Denied contact with grandchildren

Talking of jealousy. I've got 2 difficult d.i.l.s. The older one and I have butted heads often, also her husband (my older son) . Yesterday , my younger d.i.l. rang me and told me I was not to take anything for my little grandson, when I go to visit. I always take him a little something. I think she is jealous that he has a better relationship with me than with her parents and even with her. She is very aggressive towards the little boy and I had to walk out yesterday, because she pinched him for not tidying up his toys.

I think Sodapop is right, there has to be more going on here

Your daughter may have been mildly irritated by the school play thing, but this reaction is way over the top

Had things been tense between for other reasons? This sounds a bit like a ‘last straw ‘
situation

Or maybe as others have suggested, there’s something nastier going on, either way, I feel for you, and hope you can sort something ou

On the basis that you do want to maintain a relationship, the only thing you can do is to take a step back and wait for things to cool down. Some responses are interesting and seem to illustrate the point that gifts can be used as a method of control. I wonder if they are looking to get some sort of distance as it does sound a bit claustrophobic, living 30 feet apart. It seems to me that there are often unintended consequence of good deeds. Hope things are on a more even keel soon.

From what you've written, I think they are unreasonable.

It sounds as if they were looking for an excuse to fall out with you.

Based on my own experience of living next door to my in-laws and only a mile from my parents, I would never want to live close to my adult children. We were welcome to drop in on them at any time but they couldn't understand that it wasn't the same the other way round. Their 'constructive criticism' wasn't appreciated either. Is your problem with your daughter or her husband?

Our marriage was saved when my husband was made redundant and the first job offer was 200 miles away.

I also think there must be more to this than meets the eye. After all it was merely a class rehearsal for the play.
I have been wondering what I would do were I in your shoes. I think I would keep a low profile and wait and see if your daughter and/or son-in-law approaches you. Meantime be polite and acknowledge them with a "good morning" etc when you see them. Hopefully they'll want you back in their lives and their children's lives soon.

Many thanks for your replies.they have given me food for thought.
I can honestly say there is no desire to control
My son in law asked if they could do the barn. It wasn’t our idea. They asked if they could move in with us. Since they moved out I have been immobile for 10 weeks with a badly broken ankle and could only get into their property with help. I think I’ve been inside about 8 times in total. My husband had to do the school run. They sent the child over each morning. They did not bring him so there was no daily contact there.
The previous week my daughter had sent texts several times asking to send the kids over as she was tired. She came around the evening of the day before this happened and asked if she could have a bottle of wine as they had run out. The next day I was playing outside with Freddie and over came son in law and announced their was to be no contact and why. Then dragged the child away.
As to what else might be happening I can only think of 3 things
His mum died at the end of April. He was close to her.
I don’t think they are that happy with the result of the build there seems to be several issues with it.
Or as my husband says they are looking for an excuse to sell for a considerable profit.

What a terrible situation for you. From what you say this fall out is really over nothing. I do wonder if this is an excuse? for what? I do not know. Time will tell perhaps. Try not to do anything drastic. Maybe tell your daughter how sorry you are for the upset between you and what can you both do to make it better. I agree with Smileless though, we sometimes will never know why some people behave the way they do (and yes, even people we love dearly). If you do manage to speak to your daughter give it time to sink in and see if things change or improve before you do anything.

I think their reaction is way out of proportion to anything you may have done, if you are in a position of doing some school runs, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t pop in to see them rehearsing

Maybe you should have mentioned it, but it’s of so little importance, it could easily slip your mind.

If they are looking for an excuse to sell, how would that leave you? Presumably you agreed to the barn conversion because your family would be living there, a family of strangers living so close, may not be so good

I think if I was in your shoes I would keep a polite distance and let things cool down. They are being unreasonable and are blowing this up out of all proportion. They will come to their senses and realise how good you’ve been to them and hopefully will apologise for their behaviour.

His sad this is. My middle son still has contact within s but Christmas birthdays etc came for tea last week as it was a family event. However his wife is very brash and controlling I realised this a few years ago and I stepped back. I do see the children but we visit them and stay just enough time for us to say we've been in contact. So sad but it's the way it is would hate to be in your position and feel sorry for your situation my other two sons are fine but it still hurts the middle one doesn't have much contact with us or his brothers.

That's a good point Septimia and something well worth investigating.

I've come back to this thread a couple of times as I am as bewildered as you are Debcz.
The reaction to you seeing the play rehearsal is weirdly over the top and I just can't get my head around it.
What did you do when your Son in Law came out and dragged the child away and told you why?
Did you cry in shock?
Did you go over and knock on their door and tell them tearfully that you couldn't understand what you had done wrong but are very sorry for any upset you had caused them?
What I would do, is wait until Son in Law is out and have a heart to heart with your Daughter and try to get to the bottom of it.
But, do tell her that you are very sorry for not thinking to tell them about the invitation to watch the rehearsal and appreciate that they may have wanted to see it themselves.
Hopefully, it may just clear the air.

I just stood still in shock. They went out immediately afterwards and have blanked us since.
It’s so sad to realise how many others are in this situation.

I would try to reconcile but, if this doesn't seem possible, you could seek a court order to be able to see your grandson. It's probably the nuclear option, as it will not improve the position with your daughter and SIL and may well make it worse. However, given the high level of contact with your DGC, a court would probably order contact - although this mat well provide further impetus for them to leave, if they are not already thinking of doing so.

My sympathies Debcz, it sounds like an awful situation. I wish you well and have everything crossed for a favourable outcome, although this may take time.

I would imagine living together for two years would have strained your relationship with your daughter and son in law, so it seems odd for something to happen now, when you’ve all got your own space

I don’t think I’d do anything, let them realise how ridiculous they’re being, and of course, how much they’re missing your help

Really feel for you though , not being able to see the children

Having read through all of this I realise I had missed out the most bizarre aspect. They refused to believe the head invited me and accused me of sneaking in to it without permission. Or maybe it is this belief that is the cause of their annoyance?
Thanks for all the helpful comments.

Yes, that is bizarre and very telling Debcz. Why on earth would you have sneaked in without permission? How could you have done as a member of staff would have asked what you were doing there?

I'm sorry but I don't think this belief has made them react like this, it's as if they've been waiting for a 'reason' as their 'belief' is totally irrational.

You can't sneak into a school!!

Call their bluff. Tell them to get intouch with the head if that's their belief! Their security is terrible. You could of been anybody sneaking into there.

I know you can't sneak into a school. My husband suggested they ask the head. They refused.

I don't understand why they didn't believe you when you told them the Head had invited you.

First of all Debz, join the club.. There are lots of estranged gp on here who have been suddenly cut off for the most petty of reasons. They are despicable for doing that to you and your DH. It's not acceptable..and very hard to understand.. But the snowflake generation are alive and thriving absolutely everywhere. Manipulative, greedy, selfish, jealous, insecure bunch of twats that we have to deal with when all we give is our love and care. It never ends well to give to our AC... and so strange how we end up walking on eggshells, trying to figure out whats in their heads while they use and abuse our good nature. I can guess that they have always been nasty in private about you and your DH and just waiting for a chance to cut you off.. If you can stomach going to say your sorry, just for the sake of seeing your lovely GC again, do it.. Then retreat and give them a couple of months to themselves.. Its a hard and long wait, but hopefully they will think a bit while the dust settles and reestablish contact with you.

I think your husbands right. I presume you own the farm or are still paying it off. I would put a For sale sing up on your property. Your sil will no doubt get your daughter to question you. Tell them that you intend to retire if you get enough for the farm and enjoy what's left of your life. That will put the cat among the you know what. They think only of themselves and what you can do for them. This is what they see $$$$$ if visions of that fade, you will see a difference in attitude. Change your will and leave all to the GC but don't tell them. They will worry about loosing their baby sitters too.

Oh yeah I think the sil is the real greedy one here. GP's are forever, husband come and go, as do wife's these days.

You could get someone round to value the farm because you're 'thinking' about future retirement options, as stevenk has posted, that would give them food for thought.