Denied contact with grandchildren

I have just read the article in the saturday Telegraph on Grandparents not being allowed to see their Grandchildren.
We to are Grandparents being denied seeing our two Grandchildren even though our daughter lives 15 minutes away from us in the next village. This all happened five years ago when the children were 2 years and six months old. We were helping out with child care but because I was having health problems and looking after my elderly Mother we explained to our daughter that we were finding the childcare too much. She became very aggressive with us and has cut us out of her life. We have stepped forward several times and have attended family therapy but she is still adamant that she was not supported enough when she wanted to go back to work and has now brought up all sorts of issues saying she was not nurtured enough growing up. She is 47 years old and we have always been a close family. We both feel we are being punished for something we are still unsure of. She refuses to discuss any further. It's hard to move on but we have no choice. She has moved house now and we are not allowed to know where she is. My name is Norma.

I feel very sorry that you and your husband are going through this Debcz . It seems that your daughter and son-in-law actually want to drive a wedge between you and them. Why on earth should they suddenly say they don't trust you and accuse you of being dangerous when they have entrusted the care of their children to you so much previously. It's such a dreadful thing to say to one's parents, so unkind and unnecessary.
I hope you'll derive some benefit from a discussion with your solicitor.

Pascall you are being punished because you were no longer able to provide free childcare.

They're unbelievable aren't they. She chooses to have children and then criticizes you for not being supportive enough when she returns to work.

You couldnn't make it up could you.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope it helps to know you're not alone

Pascall, my heart goes out to you! I can barely imagine what a shock this was to you! A DD of 47 suddenly cutting you out of her and her children's lives, just you could no longer provide free childminding services.

I'm sure if you look back, you'll see some signs along the way that she was capable of this. IME, "close families" often have one member who doesn't completely fit into that closeness and, eventually, pulls away. D might be punishing you for the refusal to childmind, as Smileless suggests. But it also may have been the "reason" - excuse? - she needed to pull out of this closeness, sad to say. I don't really get it, but I know some people are like that.

"We were helping out with child care but because I was having health problems and looking after my elderly Mother we explained to our daughter that we were finding the childcare too much."

So sorry about your health problems! Sorry, too, that you were caught in that "sandwich generation" position, being expected to look after an elderly parent and your GC at the same time. That can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. I don't blame you for deciding you had to let one thing go.

Unfortunately, D may have looked at it as if you were prioritizing your mum over her and your GC/her kids. She may have felt you could get a carer to take care of mum, etc., so that you would be freer to watch her children. This frustration may have touched off other past issues that she had, even if you weren't aware of them before. Or she could be making them up as part of the "punishment" (if that's what it is).

Regardless, I applaud you and DH for making the efforts you did to heal this rift, and I'm sorry D did not respond well. I'm also sorry she has cut you off so completely. I hope, in time, she'll reconsider (maybe she'll miss you or the kids will and it will soften her heart) and reach out again. Hugs!

Debcz - we are a farming family and 35 years ago decided to divide up the large farmhouse - us at one end, parents in law at the other. It seemed like a really sensible idea with benefits for us all. It turned out to be an enormous mistake causing a huge amount of stress. Currently husband and I are desperate to sell up and retire but cannot do so because mother-in-law thinks we shouldn`t. My advice to you would be to get out of your situation as soon as possible - even if your relationship with your daughter improves. You both need some independence and distance from each other to keep your sanity

Hi, eddiecat! Haven't seen you for a while, How is your situation going?

Son tells us they are planning to move into rented accommodation for 6 months.
Hopefully we can get on with our lives. But we will miss the gc terribly.

Hi starlady
Son is nearly divorced and we are having lots more contact with his children -, so things are much better. Thanks for asking

Glad to hear it, eddiecat! I mean, sorry about the divorce, but glad it's almost over and that you're enjoying more contact w/ your GC.

Bittersweet, Deb. Good that they are moving, but sad it ended up this way. I hope D's heart will eventually soften and she'l let you see the kids sometimes. But I doubt that will happen for a while. Hugs!

That all escalated rather quickly. It makes no sense to me that a head teacher would just invite you in. We put on morning and evening productions in order to accommodate working parents, but if they can attend neither we can't just invite them to a dress rehearsal. There are complicated safeguarding risk assessments that need to be carried out. People coming into the school at other times must have criminal checks. Perhaps that is why they do not believe it, most parents know clearly they cannot just come in to school. Is this really the path you want to go down? It sounds like the door was closed, but not permanently. You were asked for an apology, but didn't actually give one. If you say "I am sorry you think that" or "I am sorry you feel that way" it is not a genuine apology. It places the blame back squarely on them for the way they think or feel. I really hope you can resolve this before it is too late. Forcing them out of their home will probably never be forgiven. Sometimes as parents and grandparents we have to swallow our pride and be the bigger person. The fathers day gift could have been an olive branch and it was thrown back like a grenade. I would definitely try harder for the sake of my granddaughter.

trouble is snakes would love you to withdraw all your support! their win is you lose them

Pascall, my heart goes out to you! I can barely imagine what a shock this was to you! A DD of 47 suddenly cutting you out of her and her children's lives, just you could no longer provide free childminding services. - GETTING CUT OFF IS A COMMON THEME. It is all snakes splitting families up. age 9 they cut me off from all my aunt and uncles family as well as grandparents. This happened to my dad we only saw him once a year. Now my two eldest grandchildren are being prevented from visitng my house. They used to visit. Now they can't. It is all caused by SNAKES AND ONE PARENT GOING WITH WHAT SNAKES WANT

Gransnetters who are living with estrangement have said:
"I can only describe my feelings as a living bereavement; at times the pain is unbearable. I have now reached a place where I consider the best way forward for me is to channel my energy in a positive direction."
"I'm afraid you can only hope for a reconciliation, keeping quiet and not saying anything against them. I know this is an almost impossible thing to do, but it's the only way."i was frozen out first then my son, now my two grandchildren who live with sons ex wife. this is all uk securitys doing!

It’s hard for parents to swallow the fact that their children love their gp.- parents should be pleased for extra family to care. sons ex wife parents are dead but she blocks me seeing them. They wont be coming to your house when I asked today. I made cakes, bought table tennis table because son said they were coming and it was all cancelled at ex wifes end every time. SNAKES WANT THE SPLIT SO HE CAN SOFTEN THEM UP TO LGBT

Razzmatazz123 the primary school I worked in invited GPs to performance rehearsals because there wasn't room for them at performances. I see no reason why the head wouldn't invite the OP if she was seen regularly at the school.Criminal checks as you call them are only necessary for people who will have contact with individual children. It would be impossible to check every adult that visited a school. I went into my GCs school recently with lots of other GPs to discuss our childhoods. No one checked any of us.
Debcz please don't feel you have been taken advantage of and blame yourself. You have acted out of love and care for your family you should be proud of that. Whatever the outcome you can say you were a good mum and GM. I hope things improve for you. Stay strong!

trisher…..Good post, explanatory and supportive

Debcz…..and I should think the GC will miss you very much too!

Good luck

Your daughters ham fisted Fathers Day present, was thrown back in her face in her eyes as it was her way of breaking the ice. Even though she started the whole thing, is such a shame you have lost your daughter and grandchildren. You were all too close for comfort. It doesn't matter who started what, I would do anything to avoid no contact. I know all this has hurt you and your husband so much, when you did everything to help the young couple. They took you for granted and behaved badly to say the least, it has all escalated to them moving into rented accomodation. Surely there must become way you can reach out to your daughter, even though you didn't start it.

I think in some cases you're right lindadrew when you say some parents don't like the fact that their children love their GP's.

Having experienced our boys when they were children, enjoying their GP's company it just doesn't make any sense to envy that GC/GP relationship.

I'm so sorry that your expected visit from your GC didn't materialize.

Good post trisher IMO Debzc this has nothing to do with you seeing the rehearsal. They were looking for an excuse and found one though goodness knows why they should want to treat you so horribly after everything you've done.

Trisher I was explaining why the parents might not believe her, not disbelieving her myself. If the 4 schools I have taught in so far invited grandparents on a separate occasion, it would be planned not spur of the moment. They would be signed in and a risk assessment would be conducted. Safeguarding is paramount these days at most schools due to known issues that have occurred.

That doesn't mean this head didn't do things differently. They should not have though. Especially as inviting one person to the rehearsal would be unfair on others who couldn't attend the planned performances.

Razzmataz stop reading into this posting which aren't there. There is no indication that the OP was the only GP invited. Perhaps the head simply asked in passing "Are you coming tomorrow" and others were invited. Please could you stop scaremongering about safeguarding the only restrictions on a school are that all visitors should be signed in and out. This has nothing to do with the criminal checks you commented on earlier. As I said you have no idea about the circumstances surounding the event, if you wanted more information the polite thing to do would be to ask not cast aspersions on the OP's statement.

Trisher I am not scaremongering I am a teacher, deputy head and safeguarding lead. I simply know my job. I was trying to help because it looks like a misunderstanding has occurred here. I was explaining what parents would not only know, but would expect from a school to keep their children safe. OP stated that the parents disbelieved her and I was explaining why they might do so. The situation has escalated through the post to what looks like estrangement and if that could be prevented that would be the best outcome. Perhaps you should re read my comments, I have no ill intention and I am not sure why you are being so aggressive.

Razzamatazz123 You posted There are complicated safeguarding risk assessments that need to be carried out. People coming into the school at other times must have criminal checks. Perhaps that is why they do not believe it, most parents know clearly they cannot just come in to school
Well actually none of this is true. The only requirement is that visitors should be signed in and out. I'm not being agressive simply pointing out that you are mistaken and that you should look at the other possibilities which you somehow seem unable to. Your school may have such stringent policies other schools do not and doubting the OP isn't helping her.

Trisher, do not speak to me further. I meant no harm to anyone and I don't appreciate your determination otherwise. I will afford you the same courtesy.

Razzmatazz123 Perhaps you should apologise to the OP then for misleading information? I'll certainly apologise to you if anything I have said is wrong or you find it offensive to be corrected.