How do I forget they exist?

Thank you so much pinkquartz I believe she does enjoy hurting me, she has been a real bully at times. She didnt have the perfect childhood but she definitely had a better one than my grandson & I considered her, acted in her best interest, ensuring she was happy at all times.

It is like communicating with a child at times & you're right I don’t believe she’s grown out of her teenage rebellion at all. There is hope that the new baby will bring maturity out of her & a positive improvement to the situation.

Thank you so much Bluebelle you could have a point but I can not be around her anymore. I used to ask if she wanted to come to dinner or lunch. I thought it was healthier than just collecting him & taking him back. He needed to understand that I’m her mum & we are a family. Sometimes it’s ok & sometimes is horrible & very unhealthy for us all.

All my spare time was spent on my daughter as a child & we had a lot of fun, which balanced out the struggles.
We laughed all the time that’s why I find it so hard to hear her say her childhood was bad but that’s her opinion. She even contradicted herself at the councellor & said I was her best friend when she was a child, her everything. Which the councellor pointed out to her because she was not expecting her to say that.

She maybe jealous, my mum even said that but she is an adult & he is a child. She essentially threw a tantrum over Lego when my grandson was happy to know he’d get more because he is always a good boy. I have struggled to see why she acted that way but you might have a point we do have a lot of fun.

Thank you for your message Glammanana unfortunately I feel the good has been lost now & I would feel nervous to even consider buying him anything else for here for a while.

It seems to me that the more obsessed parents were with their children when they growing up, the worst they behave in adulthood as they have been totally spoilt. It's a case of 'reap what you sow', I'm afraid, but you can't go back and change those years. I think the more you beg to see your grandchild, the more control over you your daughter has and is enjoying seeing you suffer. What a nasty person she has become, but is it nature or nurture?

Write your will leaving everything to grandson and just enjoy the time you do have with him and don't be drawn into arguments with his mum about what you do with him when he's in your care.

Wow she's a millennial down to a tee! Awful, just awful situation for you. I agree with previous poster that you shouldn't need to pretend they don't exist. You have given your little GS so much love.. You hurt...of course you do and will continue to feel that way until you reconcile and see him again. Poor little pup is going to be missing you badly too. That's the worst of it, he's caught in the middle. Your DD sounds like an absolute nightmare. I too agree with previous poster who says she's hasn't moved out of the teenage emotional state of up and down. You need to admit what's happened to a couple of close friends. Confide in them, let them in.. You need support. It is like a death. Horrible.

JEMz you poor thing, opening your heart to us all is a big thing for you, it must have taken you a while to decide to. You obviously have done all you could for your D and GS but everyone you are close to see what she is doing to you and advise you to back off, easy to say isn't it? All you want is a 'normal' (whatever that is) relationship with your child and her child, we all do our best but it doesn't always work out.

Sadly I think your D has problems that need to be addressed, but whether she appreciates this who knows?

I truly hope things improve for you, keep in touch with them but do not force things.

3 generations of women using shame tactics to enforce principle while teaching the tactic to a 4th (generation)-

Somebody has to take the initiative to break the chain-

It isn't uncommon for people to finally reach a point when they are brimming over with emotion and decide to vent- They do so seeming to be seeking support- But when support is offered, it's revealed they are seeking to be agreed with- Once agreed with, their behavior that led to the rift to begin with becomes justified as the possibility of meaningful reunions with the people they are estranged from fall further out of reach-

I think it was really mean of you to buy him new Lego and not let him take it home.

Couldn't get any further than that. It all sounds very silly and self centred.

Gonegirl

I agree. My parents have toys for when their GC visit. But those toys don't belong to anyone in particular and everyone knows they are Grandma and Grandp's toys that live at their house.

If something is bought as a gift it's not fair to turn around and say "you can't take it home".

Thank you Quizqueen you’re right I was totally obsessed with her & totally accept that was my mistake.

I’m seeing him in a couple of weeks, his dad is accommodating it. I will try to leave it a while before asking to see him again after that. Although it is his birthday next month.

Thank you Joyfulnanna, his dad is facilitating me having him in a couple of weekends time.

I have also spoken to a friend this weekend. She was aware that I haven’t seen my grandson for a while but not the extent of the situation.

Thank you Avor2 I also believe there are problems that she needs to address. I have suggested this to her & tried in the past to refer her but she’s an adult so there’s not much I can do.

I do wish I had a ‘normal life’ with my family. Just have to accept it is how it is so I do not have another weekend like this one.

Rosecarmel I am confused by your comment & not sure it was meant to be helpful or positive.

Quizqueen I think that’s a spiteful post telling the poster to write a will leaving the daughter out and leaving everything to the grandson How on earth will that help
life it short and it’s really bad to spend all of it in hatred surely not good for the child either
I still think if you make an effort with your daughter you will have more peace with your grandson and life in general
Don’t forget we only hear one side
Going back to the toys I had a cupboard of toys and games that all the grandkids,( cousins etc) used when at mine however if I had been asked if one could be taken home I would have happily said yes it never cropped up as they always played with those particular toys at mine and put them away in the cupboard

Gonegirl & Agnurse not sure how you came to the conclusion that I was being mean to my four year old grandson. I was previously told not to buy him toys for his house because he had too many so it wasn’t my intention to buy him Lego for his house. I was ensuring he had something to fun to play with when he visits.

It is obviously very petty & silly which is why I find it so hard to deal with. Like I said, which you obviously missed, my grandson never threw a tantrum or was upset that he couldn’t take it home. I told him if he is a good boy at school that week I would send Lego to his house. He picked it out on Amazon & it was ready & waiting in my shopping basket to be delivered straight there.

I was doing a genuinely nice thing, we had the wonderful Lego day as I had planned. Can not believe that could be interpreted as mean.

JEMz, helpful- After reading your initial post in its entirety I noticed what appeared to me to be a pattern of using shame by all 3 generations of women to manipulate the situation that you described, the occasion where you were visiting with your mum: the LEGO debacle-

I've not pointed out the pattern to be a hater, but mentioned it in an effort to suggest that perhaps you might want to consider an alternative response to such situations when they arise-

Your daughter has every right as a parent to determine what toys her child is allowed to play with and when as well as where- As a grandmother you have the right to consult with your daughter regarding any aspect that involves her child while in your care-

If you take a different approach going forward it may lend to improving your relationship with your daughter and as a result make visits with your grandson easier on everyone-

It's not so much that you have reached out to people closest to you to help you solve the problem, but it appears to me you are seeking to form a team that agrees with you, which only contributes to the problem you have going on with your daughter-

JEMz - your pain is so palpable.....how can anyone say you are 'needy'? If, wanting to see your GC is considered 'needy', then we are all needy. Needy is when you are constantly expecting emotional support - this little human is giving you 'joy' and you are giving him 'love'.
I feel there is some hope, because your daughter's partner has got in touch. So, be patient. I have had my share of issues with the parents of my grandchildren, and many a time I have bitten my tongue. I also follow their rules. One d.i.l. told me not to give my grandson any toys or chocolates every time I visit. I must admit I did overdo it. But today when I went to see him, I did not take him anything. I felt bad going emptyhanded, but there you go.
I want to give you a big hug and tell you, things will improve if you're patient. Your DD is pregnant and will need you.
You have a good partner, who loves you.
Don't feel too sad....

I agree wholeheartedly with Crazy H. Hugs from me too. This is a support network. Many of us are have been there.. The fact that you are going to see your GS soon must be very exciting..enjoy every moment

Please take a moment to consider your earlier response to another person on this forum where you said I “appreciate your opinion but can not see how my daughters feeling are valid”.
...I believe that everyones feelings are valid, even your daughter’s.

I realise you are hurting - but anger and self-righteousness will only bring you more pain. We all know that we cannot change others, only ourselves. Take a deep breath and try to release the tensions, anxiety and trauma. You are making a good decision to seek counselling. I do hope it will bring you the peace you need and eventually help open up a path to reconciliation.

Please keep in mind that support comes in many forms .. Just as there are infinite ways to achieve a goal-

JEM, my heart goes out to you. I am semi-estranged from one of my daughters and it hurts like hell.

I have done a bit of research, both from books and internet sites including this one, but also ones that look at the child's view. Mother/daughter relationships can be very complicated and your relationship is possibly more complicated because it was just the two of you for so long. It is clear from what you have said that you and your DD were everything to each other for many years and that she has come to depend on you. In effect, you are still in a parent-child relationship although you, not unreasonably, feel that you should be in an adult-adult relationship and that your GS is the child here.

The impression I have from your posts is that you see your relationship with your GS as being the priority here, rather than with your DD, which she doubtless picks up on and is the main reason for her behaviour. She is used to being the centre of your universe and now she is not. She does not sound like a very mature young woman and she is trying to gain your attention and maybe your love, as she sees it, by using your GS - yes, she seems to be jealous in some way of her own son or your relationship with him, or is feeling that her position as the beloved child has been usurped.

I am not sure that I have any solutions other than to back off and wait for her to grow up a bit - the emotional landscape changes as time passes. But I think you also need to try to demonstrate that she is your first priority and that you love her very much. At least, that's what I am trying to do - no guarantees of success, but I am not sure that there is any other way. Good luck, anyway

I feel your pain and I havent seen or spoken to my daughter in over 4.5 years. I have tried to text, phone and write with no reply. I do manage to see my two grand daughters through her ex husband. It hurts. You could try and back away, especially as she is pregnant and hormonal. Try and write a letter and point out that you are there for her and your grandson. Tell her that you love them both and ask her to get in touch, if and when she wants. Dont make an issue about the toys being only at your house, that sounds too petty to me. My grand kids take them house if they want to. Take care. x

Rosecarmel It’s a shame you only chose to read the initial post as I have continuously explained my reasons for purchasing & keeping the Lego at my house. Also the reason I believed this to be the right thing to do, following orders not to purchase toys for my grandson’s house, by his own parents.

Again if you had continued reading you’d see that I am afraid to purchase anything for my grandson for some time, thus preventing further confusion or problems.

My mother & I feel the whole situation is extremely shameful. Unfortunately my daughter does not understand shame. Although reading comments & taking time to reflect maybe she felt shamed that she did not feel the need to have a Lego day with her child herself as her priorities are completely different to mine.

My family & partner, the ‘team’ you describe has not been formed to agree with me. They all have, out of love & concern, tried to talk to my daughter in the past without me asking. My elderly mother & father had to stop my daughter from shouting & essentially throwing a tantrum over Lego. Throughout the episode, apart from trying to explain my position, I remained quiet to prevent escalating the situation.

My partner, after seeing me extremely tearful & broken, offered to send a message. I then asked the next day & then subsequently asked my mum. This was genuinely asking for help to see my grandson. I didn’t need them to agree with me. Unlike you they know my daughter well & are completely aware of her attitude & lack of gratitude.

Like I said it’s a shame you haven’t continued to read the rest of the thread. Yes ‘support’ comes in many forms & clearly not what you was offering.

Your daughters feelings are valid just as much as yours.
This is nothing to do with Lego, that was just another argument.
This is everything to do with a poor mother daughter relationship.
I imagine your DD felt ganged up on getting messages from her nan, aunt and your partner all telling them what to do with her child.
I know from experience how well that would of gone down.

I think your DD is full of hurt and emotion for whatever reason and doesn't know how to deal with it. She's lashing out.
From your post you don't think much of her as a parent or a daughter.
She's backing off because that's what she feels is best. Maybe she feels attacked.
Her feelings aren't taken on board because she's a nightmare.

Unless you can understand that you have hurt her, just as she has hurt you then the relationship between you both won't get any better.

Hopefully you can still your Grandson through his Dad.

JEMz no wonder you got promoted at work, you are capable of such thorough and honest work commitment. No wonder you are in a new and loving relationship too!

I wonder what your daughter is rebelling about. My guess is that she feels a failure compared with you and is trying to make show-offy statements about her powers and abilities(e.g. showing -off buying all these lego sets online in public). I guess that she feels less able as a parent than you as grandmother are parenting her own child.

Low self esteem?