Do not let estrangement ruin your life.

Sadly, although our estrangement with our daughter is over, my son has now turned against us. I think he hates us. I think the reason is jealousy. He was supportive whilst we were estranged, but now we’re not estranged, he has turned against us. We must have been bad parents, I can’t think of another reason.

My daughter in law wanted to move to the Isle of Lewis.My son worshipped her.She was consumed by jealousy and had a poor opinion of herself,she felt it would keep him away from women and that she would get pregnant.
Two days after my gd was born,her parents went to see her.She left the island that night with them. She started divorce proceedings,remarried as soon as possible and had another baby.Never allowed any contact.My son used a 'specialist' lawyer,always excuses when contact had been arranged.She left the area and we have never seen them again.No arguments,no explanation.My son has never really recovered,he loved her very much.I see and hear people with grandchildren and I just have a void.July 2008

Teddy, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what else to say.

Thank you,maddyone. Never ,ever thought that anything like that would happen.

Quite a sad thread this. All I can say is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt - "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". Don't give anyone your consent eh? Easier said than done I know, but hey, hope it helps?

Oh, TeddyIII, my heart aches for you and DS. What an odd young woman XDIL is. Or maybe just a manipulator (to the extreme). It sounds as if she is very unhappy w/in herself, thought the island would make things better, but it didn't, so went home w/ her parents. Unless something happened on that island that you don't know about, then I imagine the problem is w/in her. So sad that is has affected DS and, also, of course, you. Hugs!

"She started divorce proceedings,remarried as soon as possible and had another baby."

Are you saying she was pregnant w/ DS' 2nd child when she left him? Wow. Again, so very sorry.

Maddyone, OMG, I can hardly believe it! Lightening isn't supposed to strike twice, etc. Please don't jump to the conclusion you were "bad parents" though. The issue may have to do w/ sibling dynamics and nothing to do w/ you and DH at all. As you say, it's may be jealousy - he resents it when you have a good relationship w/ his sister and likes it when you're upset w/ her. Or perhaps your son likes to be the "good one" who's there for you when you're having trouble w/ your daughter. But now that you're not, he's unhappy. Or maybe he just thrives on drama, and if his sister isn't creating any, he will. Childish stuff, IMO, but could be just the same. Or hey, you may simply have difficulty dealing w/ AC, many parents do. Hopefully, he'll come around - w/o your D 'having to" cut you off first. Hugs!

Day6, what an awful experience! Hugs! And I'm sorry about what an awkward position it put DH in, too. I know you may feel "sidelined" sometimes. But, IMO, you are better off w/o this nasty person in your life.

So much pain and suffering, so many sad stories of abandonment and yet, so much courage.

I salute you ladies, each and everyone of you.

Please don't say you must have been bad parents maddyone, even the most beautiful of trees can produce less than palatable fruit.

Thank you Starlady, I really thought I wouldn’t have to go on the estrangement threads again, except now and again to offer support. We are of the opinion that it is to all to do with sibling rivalry/jealousy ourselves. But I can’t help feeling responsible in that we must have done or not done something in their childhoods to create this situation. Of course with our first estrangement, I suspected, and was subsequently found to be correct, that there were some mental health issues, and now my daughter has had treatment, she is much better. I don’t feel that there are any such compncerns with my son. Given that both have in the past accused us of favouritism of the other, it seems likely that is the cause. But if both accused us of favouritism, how can one of them be the favourite? What is so sad is that we love/loved them, all three of them so much, and did everything we possibly could to give them a good life and opportunities. At this point, we are not fully estranged, but with the email we have just received, I don’t see a future to be honest.

But at the end of the day Smileless, that’s how I feel. If it happens twice it must be our fault. Maybe we didn’t love them enough, or show them enough attention. Maybe it’s a genetic flaw, since my sister did it to our parents. I don’t know, somehow it must be our fault. But thank you for those kind words.

Maddyone

I get why you feel that way, we haven’t had anything like what some of you have had to deal with, but when things go wrong, I always say it’s down to us, no one else to blame, but my husband says we’ve done our absolute best in every way, and continue to do so, they’ve had the very best educations, we’ve supported them in everything they’ve ever wanted to do, it’s down to them now. I think he may be right, but I still feel I went wrong somewhere.

Thank you Peonyrose at last positive and encouraging advice for those of us estranged. Enough of the crying and beating ourselves up for something we have absolutely no control over.
Time to realise we have a choice. Live in the past and continue to be miserable or take a good hard look at what is left of our lives. Choose to be great full for what we have in our lives, keep telling ourselves we are worth more than one persons opinion of us.
If we choose to focus on the wonderful people and good things we have it really does start to lift the gloom and unhappiness, we have to work on finding happiness, it won’t happen overnight but believe me it does work eventually.
Thank goodness we have this forum to support each other.
Let’s keep this going to help others in this awful situation.
My very best wishes to you all.

Like many on this forum I am estranged from my son whom I adore. But I have learned to focus on those that care and have finally stopped blaming myself. There are still the bad days I.e. his birthday,But generally I don't think about him nearly so much. I've also "allowed" myself to remember happier times with a smile. It's a bit like grieving the death of a loved one. Hugs to you all xx

Thank you Sara, for understanding my feelings. We did everything possible to give them love, holidays, relationships with extended family, we played with them and cared for them in every way. We then sent them to independent schools so they could achieve their best as the local schools in our area weren’t the best. I worked full time to pay for that, which wasn’t easy with three children. We then supported them through university, financially and with regular visits and love. We supported as they got married, and had families. We love our grandchildren and did childcare for them. I know millions of other families did the same, so I ask myself, what did we do wrong? Thankfully our daughter is better now and we have regular contact with her and the children, but our son first cut off our daughter, and now has attacked us verbally by email in such a way as I cannot see a way back. But still we love them.

Hello Starlady,thank you for messages. My gd was only 2 days old when she left.She never spoke to the islanders,she said they all looked down their noses at her.She made no friends and had none in the little village that she grew up in before she went up there. She could get cross at the smallest things,a cup handle facing the wrong way when it had been put in the cupboard. The next baby belonged to the new husband. It left our close family completely devastated. I have three younger sisters and a younger brother,all married and children. They were hearbroken,not to ever know their tiny relative. Nothing like it had ever happened in our family.

Maddyone don’t ever reproach yourself for doing your best even if it seems for some it’s not enough.

Please understand that nothing will ever be enough for them. It is their problem, which they can’t handle, so they turn it around to make it yours. It is manipulative and controlling and horrible to see and hear about, let alone experience.

Enjoy the good things in your life, I’m sure you have lots.

Maddy

Pantglas is right, but I know how you feel, as I said, we’re not estranged from any of our children, but we have had problems, and I totally relate to what you’ve said about jealousy, I think that’s the basis of all our problems, we try to be scrupulously fair, but one child has needed more support, her problems are of her own making, but we love her, and help as much as we can, how can we not?

That’s a lovely post Smileless ?

Agree Sara, thank you for support ladies. I’ll probably go back on the estrangement thread I think, it was helpful to me last time, and this thread is also supportive. I can’t see any real way forward after what my son has said.

Recently when discussing estrangement from the perspective of the EAC, there's been some references to AC no longer living in the FOG. Apparently this stands for fear, obligation and guilt.

Once they realise they've been living in this FOG and no longer want to do so, they cut their parents out of their lives.

It seems to me that there are plenty of EP's and GP's living in this FOG. Fear of being cut out, feeling obliged to put up with whatever their AC throw at them in case they are, and then when they do, guilt for not being a 'better' parent.

The mistake I made with my son, was thinking he loved me as much as I loved him ??
He didn’t !!!!
Hard to come to terms with. It also seems a lot of entrancement happens when your child meets someone and falls in love, there new love and family become so much more important than their own family.
This hurts so much, the new partner I get but why the family. ??? ?

I really don't know how to live with the pain. All this talk of start a new life. My kids are/were my life and I don't know how to live without them. They've got each other but have both decided they don't want or need me. We used to be very close. I messed up for which I have grovelled and apologised for, but have been told saying sorry doesn't fix it. I'm missing out on their lives, which I have always been there for, and that of my soon-to-be-born grandson whom I have been told I have to wait for an invitation to meet. I've said some things in the past which I regret but I am getting some very very hurtful things said to me that I am finding hard to live with.

Mississeff

At least you’re being honest with them and admitting you made mistakes, which let’s face it, don’t we all?

Keep trying, it sounds like the door hasn’t been completely shut

MissiseffI'm so very sorry.

Sara is right, we all make mistakes. Could you block the means they are using to deliver their hurtful rhetoric?

If it's via text messages and/or emails you could block them. Before doing so say you'll only be available for contact on your 'phone (landline) that way, there is a way for them to get in touch but it's being limited and if during a 'phone conversation they become abusive, at least you can end the call.

Thank you Smileless you give such solid practical advice.

Thank you Can only but try for your understanding and empathy.

Estrangement is hard to deal with especially when our natural tendency is to like and to love. Through no fault of my own many very tricky personality types were put on my path, family, friends - you name it, l have it.
Dawn