Child arrangement court order

Well DHs versions would be far more "me" he would re-tell my stories and memories as I told him

My mother would tell her "spin" / perspective. Which would be her memories rather than mine.

The kids would get a much better sense of who I am and who I was from DH

We are married. He is my chosen family. He knows how I feel about my life events/history. My mother knows how she feels about those events.... not the same thing at all.

She would describe a person that no one who knows me would recognise as me!

That's you though.
Every single family is different.
I can tell my grandchildren about their mums blonde wispy hair, tied up in a 'palm tree', about what she liked to eat, what stories she enjoyed, about the time she was bridesmaid, about her winning the 3 legged race.

A whole lifetime of memories, and the thing is, they are memories, not just things passed on.

They belong to me, and to her children.

They are YOUR memories though MissAdventure, not your DDs.

Your DDs whispy toddler hair may not have been a significant part of HER childhood to HER.

The stories she would tell about herself are the truest to her and often would be what a partner or friend would repeat.

Your examples are your memories of being a parent. Not your DDs memories of being a child IYKWIM

When we talk to our children about past holidays or homes it is amazing how differently they remember them to us. They are the memories they will tell their partners, whereas we will always remember the bits that stuck out to us.

E.g. DHs dad takes pride in his memories of their father/son fishing trips..
Whereas I know that DH has many fond memories of his dad but he HATED those fishing trips!

Missadventure,
Following your logic, why don't your memories also belong to your adult children? Why do they jump a generation?

Her partner would tell about the woman he knew, and the things she had told him about her childhood.
He couldn't know what her birth was like, he wouldn't know about her more memorable tantrums, and what caused them.
Often we can't remember that stuff ourselves, we have to ask our parents. (Assuming that is, that they're not narcissistic, gun toting kidnappers, of course!)

DH will know which of my childhood memories meant the most to me

My parents remember the parts of parenting that meant the most to them

So DHs version would be much more "me"

My daughter died, hithere.
I haven't got any more children.

He couldn't know what her birth was like

Thats your experience though. Not your DDs. Nobody remembers their own birth!

That tale would not be about her if would be about you! You having her,

Again, that is you, in your particular circumstances, with your partner, your parents, and your children, notanan.

Everyone is different, their lives are different.

My daughter was my best friend, and I hers.
She didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

More likely to tell what an awkward mare she could be!

These are all memories of you being a mother: births, tantrums, whispy baby hair: all "mother" things.

These are not things the kind of things one remembers about their own childhood . These are the mothers experiences, not the childs.

She didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

Your examples are tales of your own motherhood. Not of her childhood.

Haven't you ever been curious about your own birth, notanan?

I know my dad was trying to watch 'gunsmoke' on a Saturday afternoon when my mum told him to go to the phonebox and ring the midwife.

It's what my mum told me.
It's what families do, as far as I'm concerned.

Missadventure,
I am very sorry for your loss.

Of course they are tales of her childhood!
SHE won the three legged race. I was just a watcher.

I have no particular tales about my motherhood.
It didn't float my boat too much, frankly.

Thank you, hithere.

she didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

But where there is another parent who the AC chose to share their life with, the GPs are not main "link" to a parent that passed away. The partner and childs siblings are.

Haven't you ever been curious about your own birth, notanan

It is something that happened before my memories started so doesnt really "form" me in any way. The births I EXPERIENCED obviously do.

I know about it, because I was told. I wouldnt have asked.

I know more about DHs birth than my own as it happens.

We can go round in circles forever (and I'm quite prepared to!) but my point is that if I had been removed from my grandchildrens lives, lots of history would be lost.
My boys often ask me what their mum was like, and I always tell them she was far more naughty than they were.

That would be gone, lost, forgotten to them, and that would be a crying shame.

Surely if a family are reasonable, they are all links to the parent, because they all knew the person in their own way.

All those links are what goes to make up a family chain.

Sounds like a cliche, but that's how my family are. (Or were)

I'm only sorry some of you seem to have missed out on that.

I loved having my Nan living close to me as a child, and my Godparents living next door to her.

It was idyllic.

But as you say she didnt have a partner then that is different from someone who leaves behind a partner who is the childrens parent too and can be the main one to help them keep the memory alive

I'm only sorry some of you seem to have missed out on that.

I was and am very close to extended family members

None of them tried to "bypass" my parents though, and recognised that they are extended family, al beit ones I am close to (which is probably why I remain so close to them)

Exactly my point.
It is different.
Every family is different.
Every person is different.

I don't really think anyone can argue for how the child feels about estranged GPS, except the child, the child's parents/caregivers or people who the child confides in like nannies and teachers. Estranged grandparents can only guess at how each indicisula child in each individual case may feel. Which is a pointless exercise.

Because imagining your grandchild is suffering when they may be very happy and settled is just hurting yourself...pointlessly.