AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

This is why I am online more lately so I'm not flapping about him being overly helpful and annoying. Thank goodness work starts again Thursday where flapping about being helpful is a big part of the job description

That made me laugh Starblaze

A good post @ 8.23 rosecarmel. The effects of estrangement can last a life time for the estranger and the one who has been estranged.

For us, being estranged by our son and as a result also being estranged from our only GC is abuse. That is not sending a message to all EAC that they are abusive, that is our experience.

We know that not all EP's abused their child(ren) but acknowledging that some did does not and should not send a message that all EP's are abusers.

Starblaze, I don't suppose people will ever treat each other as equals, even though that they are- But there will always be one thing or another that fosters prejudice, for example young vs old -- despite the fact that many activists are "relics", so to speak-

So, yeah- I'm intently "listening"- And I caught the hypocrisy-

Loud and clear-

There will always be people who will attempt to disguise their sinister side with innocence, so all the more reason not to coddle but teach truth and caution to students in order to prepare them for dealing with and understanding reality and wisely apply that knowledge going forward and change the real world rather than the one they imagine or have been taught to imagine-

rosecarmel I think I've been stuck between generations for a long time, the forgotten generation in current arguments lol

I understand both points of view quite often, it only really annoys me when the younger generation wants to change the world in ways that realistically don't affect the older apart from maybe remembering that some have experienced trauma or have experienced constant Microaggressions and its like a seesaw... Eventually they reach tipping point and rather than worry about whether the weight they carry was added all at once or a little bit at a time, deal with the weight itself

But of course I don't mean to make sweeping generalisations and shouldn't do so.... I know a lot of older people with the same concerns as some younger and vice versa too ?

As for other ridiculous arguments I'm quite happy to change the way I talk and express myself and I am always happy to clarify when asked what I meant because I don't mean to upset anyone.

It is hypocracy not to get the same respect back and focus on what it has been assumed estranged children meant rather than what they actually mean and use that as an excuse to get away with your own bad behaviour without apology or shame having to be felt.

Saying No Contact is abuse is a blanket statement about a term primarily used by abused estranged children when it would be easy to use something else like "cut off".

There was literally an entire post about us being "the no contact cult". With much agreememt by EPs.

I see it too!

Ironflower it's such a difficult thing to explain to people who haven't experienced it isn't it?

It's very hard. Talking to someone using DARVO is like going in circles. There are no clear answers or resolutions. I have never experienced this with anyone else. With other people, I ask a question / talk about something and they respond. I can have a 2 hour conversation with my mum and absolutely nothing is really said or resolved. It boggles my mind. I added my hubby to the call so he could hear and he was just astounded to how much was deflected or redirected.

I need to make some sort of artwork out of DARVO or some sort of physical reminder for myself so that I don't get sucked into it as often Ironflower because it happens without realising it until its too late

There was literally an entire post about us being "the no contact cult"

I didnt see that. Was it recently?

I don't think "cult" is a word that should be applied to a group of people just because they have made the same decision. It seems completely inappropriate to label any group of people who happen to be experiencing a version of the same thing really.

Re assuming one has understood what someone means, I do think sometimes that is a genuine mistake because we all read things differently, use words differently and are influenced perhaps in our interpretation by our experiences and context. Not always a genuine mistake, but sometimes

I wasn't aware that no contact is "a term primarily used by estranged adult children" but even if that is the case there's no reason for it not to be used by EP's. In my experience estrangement and no contact are terms regularly used by both.

Can you provide a link or give specific information to "an entire post about us (EAC) being the "no contact cult". With much agreement by EP's".

I'd like to see that having posted on another thread this morning that I don't agree that no contact has anything to do with an EAC cult.

Madgran

“The brainwashing behind going no contact"

A post of quoted text that takes some unreasonable things (in context) said by some AC (possibly, I've never seen those comments personally to judge) and talks about how "going No Contact" is exactly a term estranged children made up as a cult like instruction manual on how to get rid of perfectly warm and wonderful parents.

Its the post that comes up when I type gransnet in the search bar to come to gransnet for some reason. I don't understand. Perhaps I need to clear my history

Not a point of view than many of us would subscribe too and I certainly don't.

There is a point where an EAC turns up and says something crappy and gets deleted, other EAC then say, basically, wow, thanks for making us look bad on this post where we are having to defend the fact that we need those terms and those groups and those resources because our parents were ABUSIVE and that has harmed us! But here are all these EPs putting us all in the same terrible EAC sinking boat saying most parents are wonderful and blameless and most of us cannot therefor even exist let alone get help...

And well, there you go. Hypocracy

Can you provide a link if this is on the original 'brainwashing' thread or give page numbers so the entire thread doesn't have to be gone through to find what you're referring too?

Starblaze -- That thread is gross. The things said about EAC is nauseating and the level of dysfunctional thinking is shocking.

It's a cult! They are 'brainwashed'! It's the 'snowflake generation'! They don't know how to handle conflict! They're emotionally immature! More stories about being told WHY the 'parent' was NC'd but 'it' "didn't make any sense".

The general theme being -- EAC = 'bad'. Abused children have always felt that way. Walking away takes all the emotional baggage they heaped on Us with it, but when no one is constantly reminding you to 'carry' all their "stuff" it gets easier to toss their unwanted luggage.

It was a very painful read Holyhannah and a good demonstration of how unbalanced things were and still are here, even when our terms were once known to be for the use of abused children...... there is literally a whole post about why we can't have them. There have been others since.. There was the awful invalidation you suffered recently about your mums diagnosis through the symptoms you display.

Blimey, we can't see the common cold with the naked eye but we can see and diagnose it by its symptoms.

That post is like saying, your sister was naughty so I'm punishing you both forever.

But then that begs valid questions about, if people aren't willing to admit we have suffered that kind of abuse and genuinely need that level of support, and that there is quite a few of us on that severe end of the spectrum, how can they actually admit they may have hurt their own child's feelings?

I have never advised anyone to go No Contact unless they describe actual serious abuse.

Abused children need those terms, those articles and those resources in order to heal.

Trying to take them away is a horrific thing to do.

Smileless2012

I wasn't aware that no contact is "a term primarily used by estranged adult children" but even if that is the case there's no reason for it not to be used by EP's. In my experience estrangement and no contact are terms regularly used by both.

Can you provide a link or give specific information to "an entire post about us (EAC) being the "no contact cult". With much agreement by EP's".

I'd like to see that having posted on another thread this morning that I don't agree that no contact has anything to do with an EAC cult.

Someone created a thread in the Estrangement section requesting to continue the brainwashing topic but it was removed/deleted-

Regarding your response to me upthread, I don't know that preventing a relationship can be determined to be abuse technically/legally but as I indicated it can be traumatizing-

And when traumatized, it's easy to believe something is occurring that isn't- For example, the traumatized veteran on July 4th when all the fireworks are going off-

Believing that something is what it isn't is a symptom of trauma- But in some instances disbelief is a necessary protective strategy to get one through a sudden traumatic event- But ongoing disbelief isn't a coping mechanism-

Could maintaining a belief in something that isn't true also be categorized as self abuse? And damaging on some level to others as a result?

rosecarmel I didn't see that there was a new post about it this morning!

That's so weird. Glad it was deleted.

The person posting said they were wanting to write a book about cult like mentality, specifically in the area of estrangement-

Oh seriously?

Is it a cult to call a spade a spade because some want to call it a shovel when the two are actually different things?

Starblaze

I need to make some sort of artwork out of DARVO or some sort of physical reminder for myself so that I don't get sucked into it as often Ironflower because it happens without realising it until its too late

How about a mobile? Something representative of circular discussion?

rosecarmel, that's actually a lovely idea and maybe I can get on there somewhere the theme that others don't get to decide whether or not they have hurt your feelings

Maybe create a mixed-media shadowbox from an old frame and cigar box, or retablo from an old wooden spice rack-

Did you ever see the movie White Oleander?

No but I did watch the other film you recommended and completely forgot to tell you! I really enjoyed it