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Estrangement

Struggling Sundays

(62 Posts)
Yennifer Sun 02-Feb-20 22:48:18

I haven't been in contact with my mother for a long time, years even but Sundays were always the day I went to visit. I would come home very ill with stomach cramps, partly because I have food allergies she thought were nonsense and I didn't want to risk the anger if I didn't eat and partly stress of holding it together and not rising to her nastiness I think. Now all that is over, no more stomach issues but every Sunday night without fail I don't sleep until sometimes 4 or 5am. I don't know if anyone has any advice for me, how to break this pattern, I've spoken to the doctor and tried sleeping pills which didn't work. It makes for an awful start to the week. Has anyone else experienced anything similar and know what I might be missing here? x x

Nezumi65 Sun 02-Feb-20 22:54:33

Have you tried melatonin?

It might be worth a go, but if sleeping tablets haven’t worked may not help much.

Have you had counselling? It sounds like unresolved trauma or something similar. If you don’t want to go down that route (understandable) then maybe mediation might help. There are apps that can help with that (look at mindfulness ones) or lots of meditation classes around these days. Might be worth a go?

Yennifer Sun 02-Feb-20 23:09:54

I have had counselling but not for very long, after we had talked it all through she said I was doing well and she had no concerns, they are very busy too I guess. She did say to come back if I needed support again so maybe I could ask. I've always been rubbish at meditation as I'm a fidgit but I will try again, thank you Nezumi65. A friend just suggested white noise and I will try that too. I remember my littlest baby had a toy that played white noise and it was so soothing that I missed it when he went to his own room lol x

Nezumi65 Sun 02-Feb-20 23:26:14

That sounds a good idea xx

agnurse Mon 03-Feb-20 01:52:48

You might also try listening to ASMR videos. Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, or ASMR, is a tingling sensation that some people experience, usually going down the back of their scalp and/or neck. Many people find it very relaxing. It's usually triggered by sounds such as tapping or whispering, or by personal attention, such as having one's hair done or having makeup applied or a beauty treatment. YouTube has dozens of ASMRtists who create videos, some just individual triggers, others role plays of personal attention. Emma Whispersred (whose channel is called Whispersred ASMR) has written a book about ASMR, available on Amazon. I use it to help me sleep and relax.

Sara65 Mon 03-Feb-20 07:08:55

Yennifer, from other posts I know you have a lot of issues, I too am estranged from my mother, but it’s only ever given me a wonderful sense of freedom, I always hated visiting, and I love that I don’t have to do it anymore.

Even so, nothing is quite that simple, I know that you can’t walk away from a lifetime of issues, I think you just have to be patient, and be kind to yourself, spend Sunday doing something really nice. You are free don’t forget.

Bbbface Mon 03-Feb-20 11:14:52

I feel for you

Counselling should really really really help disconnecting Sunday from such negative memories

In the immediate term though, start making Sundays the best day of the week. Make it a real treat day for you

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 11:26:21

Thank you so much! I just mentioned it to the doctor and she said that Sunday insomnia is really common. A lot of people stress about the work week ahead but over time it becomes more worry about not sleeping which stops sleeping! She said as long as I sleep well the rest of the week my body won't mind. She also said to try the breathing techniques for panic attacks. Well we had a little celebration because I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack! It's also been 4 years off antidepressants and 2 since she prescribed anxiety medication, I still have some unused in the cupboard! I feel so so pleased and I'm going to definitely take all your advice too x

Annaram1 Mon 03-Feb-20 11:31:03

You don't say f your mother is alive or not. If she is, I would suggest contacting her and just talk about what issues you both have. Once you and she have made up you will be able to sleep better. She is probably upset also, and she is getting on in age and may not be around much longer.

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 11:33:46

Annaram1 Im not going to explain too much to you but my mum is abusive and she's definitely not upset! I think 20 years of my adult life trying to have a good relationship with her was enough for anyone and if it was fixable it would have happened x

polnan Mon 03-Feb-20 11:39:13

o.k slightly off track, but lack of sleeping, and some of you suggest youtube etc... so some people suggest that blue light, ie. computers? can affect sleep, so how does one watch/listen to youtube, white noise etc. to help sleep when the blue light is , apparently , counter productive?

edsnana Mon 03-Feb-20 11:46:47

Is it worth changing your routine on a Sunday? maybe do something you've always wanted to do but haven't got round to? Mixing it up a bit might fool your body/mind. Well done for ditching the abusive relationship. 20 years is certainly long enough to put up with it. Wish you well x

Googes41 Mon 03-Feb-20 11:55:41

Try 7/11 breathing.Breath in for 7 and out for eleven counting
Each breath . Takes a bit of concentration but it does work.
My father had a saying “things without remedy should be without regard” I have found that useful in darker days.

Moggycuddler Mon 03-Feb-20 12:02:32

Googes41, that's a good saying of your father's. I will try to remember that.

vickya Mon 03-Feb-20 12:11:26

Ok, CBD oil is very good for stress. It is extracted from Hemp and does not contain the hallucinogenic elements of hemp but does relax you and can ease pain too. It is perfectly legal.
cbd.co.uk/collections/cbd-oil-drops/products/summer-fruits-cbd-oil-drops?variant=21708347637820 there are various flavours and strengths and if you get the 1000 you only need a few drops so it lasts for ages. Doctors are aware of it but do not prescribe it. I find sometimes it helps me sleep and sometimes clean sheets work better! After sheet change day I really do usually sleep well. That might be because the duvet is heavy etc. I'm arthritic and a friend suggested it and they were told it is sometime to try by their consultant at the hospital.

Mapleleaf Mon 03-Feb-20 12:21:47

Some relaxing music may help, such as Gregorian chant or Buddhist chant. I sometimes play this if my mind is in a whirl, and often, when I do, I don't hear the end!

Tillybelle Mon 03-Feb-20 12:22:08

Yennifer
You poor girl. I do sympathise from the bottom of my heart. It is interesting that I never managed to let my hair grow long until after my mother died.
People will come up with many sleep ideas. Mine are often the opposite, strangely, as I have trouble at night. My first piece of advice is - if what you are trying doesn't work stop doing it.
Next, don't fight not sleeping. If you are awake, then just be content to read, watch TV, have a milky drink, do anything peaceful that passes the time, preferably while in bed. Many people will not advise this btw. But it works for me. It calms me and makes bed the place I enjoy and not the place I lie and worry in. Nobody died of lack of sleep and one night of less sleep than usual won't make much difference to you unless you spend that night in an anxious and fretful state.

During the day write all the things your mother did to control you in a list, leaving a blank at the top. Then at the top write "But I am my own mother now and All these things are over" and with a black marker cross them out so you can't read them. If possible burn them. (Use a match and drop the paper in the sink)

Have a little mantra to hum in your head to your own little cherry tune, with your own words along these lines:
"I'm in charge of me now,
I'm the mum round here.
What I say goes.
I give myself permission to be happy and have fun.
I only do what I say".
Or anything like that which means something to you. Don't use negatives though, i.e. do not say "my mother does not control me' or wtte. Always be positive and keep it short. Keep this little ditty or mantra going in your head as often as you can. Do it when you are going to sleep. It may take 40 days of re-educating your brain that this is the case. That is generally accepted to be the time it takes to make a memory a permanently placed change in our brain. (Look up "long term potentiation"). After that, top-ups are always useful.

I wish you every blessing and really do understand what having a forceful mother is like. Mine made me marry a 32 year old man when I was 19, he was a psychopathic narcissist. She was a narcissist. These types can really get inside you and it takes a concerted program of actively replacing what they did to you to change the automatic patterns of fear that recur in your brain because of the many years of their abuse.

You can do it. It works.

with all my love, Elle x 🦋🌈💐

midgey Mon 03-Feb-20 12:55:16

Just a thought, it is an accepted thought that Sunday night is the most problematic for people trying to get to sleep. I have been retired for a long time but still find I can’t get to sleep on Sunday night!

agnurse Mon 03-Feb-20 13:41:02

polnan

Some newer phones have a blue light filter. Mine does. You can also just turn a video on and put your phone to the side, so you're listening rather than watching. That's what I do.

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 13:43:53

You are all amazing! Thank you x

Grannyhall29 Mon 03-Feb-20 14:23:45

Both me and my hubby used to have trouble sleeping on a Sunday night, haven't got a clue why, only thing we could think of was that during the week we would have our main meal at teatime whereas we'd have it at lunchtime on a sunday then not have much else to eat, whether that had anything to do with it or not we haven't got a clue

flaxwoven Mon 03-Feb-20 14:29:39

Years ago I used to meet my sister with all 6 children on Sundays but as time went on and she was diagnosed with bipolar and paranoia our relationship took a dive and she wrote me a very upsetting letter saying she didn't want to see me any more. She said some nasty things about me and my parents, all nonsense in her head. She stopped taking her medication and no one followed it up. It used to upset me and I think of all the years wasted when we could have done things together, so I rarely visit. However when I do gather up the courage to visit, if she is in a good mood she talks and talks before she reverts to the paranoia again. I'm sad but don't worry about it any more. I would suggest counselling, talking it all out. A good counsellor will help you make your own decisions and the way forward. Would it help writing a letter to your mother telling her how you feel?
So on Sundays I attend a modern church with friendly people and nice songs (and good coffee) which makes me feel good. Afterwards I have a relaxing walk while hubby watches politics shows. In the evening I read or watch something pleasant like a "Miss Marple" or listen to Classic FM. I don't watch anything nasty like murders as I know I will mull over it and not sleep. I also have to avoid doing crossword puzzles too late as my brain will not stop after that. I often wake after 4 hours and if I can't sleep I read my book or make a cup of tea.

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 14:32:36

I think reading is a definite way forward for me, i won't stress at the alarm getting closer if I'm lost in a book x

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 14:33:46

Sorry about your sister flaxwoven, I have a friend who is bipolar and it's a roller-coaster at times x

JeannieB44 Mon 03-Feb-20 14:47:26

Having suffered poor sleep for years a Christmas present from my son is finally offering some help. He bought me an Echo dot. At night I listen to relaxing music on headphones and there are other sleep apps I can use to relax. I set the alarm to come on every morning with music which is lovely. It has been the best thing for me and I feel so much better in myself.