Gransnet forums


In need of advice about DIL

(105 Posts)
AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 19:49:19

Hello everyone, a friend recommended me to this page. I would appreciate some advice to this issue.

My lovely son had been with DIL for seven years, married for three. They have a beautiful little 2 year old girl that I adore, although I’ve never been allowed the amount of care that I’m used to with my other son’s children.

About a year after they had GD, DIL had a miscarriage. It was during the Christmas season and she was reasonably upset. I did my best to sympathize, without it effecting the rest of the family’s festivities, of course.

The following May they had another loss. We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit over Mother’s Day (we live a few hours drive from them) and DIL did not seem pleased. The visit further soured when my son told us she was experiencing yet another pregnancy loss. She spent all weekend shut away in her room while we played with GD in the main room. She didn’t come to Mother’s Day lunch and asked not to be given a gift, and didn’t even say goodbye when we left.

After that weekend DIL distanced from me and DH. She removed me from social media and wouldn’t chat with us on the phone when we called my son. It was obvious she was losing it. When I recommended that she go visit a physician for her mental health, she threw a fit. I was no longer allowed contact with her at all, or my lovely GD. This was last May.

We saw DIL, my son and GD at Christmas with family, but she didn’t speak to me nor even look in my direction. We heard through the grapevine that she had another loss in September, and I was outraged I wasn’t told by her or my son. For goodness sake, these are my grandchildren she’s losing.

Anyway, come to find out she’s pregnant again and due in September. This one seems to be progressing fine as she’s well into the trimester. I’m hurt that my son waited so long to tell me, and they didn’t let us know what has changed to cause this pregnancy to thrive where the others hadn’t. Life changes? Medication? IVF? I believe we have a right to know.

But my biggest issue is that she hasn’t warmed back up to us yet. Yes, we still have occasional contact with my son and see GD over FaceTime, but she still doesn’t include me in pregnancy news and hasn’t invited us round or to stay for the weekend in nearly a year. When should I expect her to be over this? She has her baby, shouldn’t she be getting over this?

hallgreenmiss Mon 13-Apr-20 12:00:21

Hithere sad but true sad

Sallywally1 Tue 21-Apr-20 00:03:19

I think the sentence ‘for goodness sake these are my grandchildren she is losing’ says it all. The whole post is full of narcissistic leanings. I am not surprised the young couple do not tell her anything, I certainly would not!

Naty Fri 03-Jul-20 15:57:43

If I were your DIL, you would be cut off.

Don't ever show up for any surprise visits.

These are YOUR grandchildren she's losing???? Oh my God, woman.

You sound like you need the professional help.

Thistlelass Thu 22-Oct-20 22:14:53

I must be very lucky to be able to pop in and see my son, daughter-in-law and their two young children. I only live 10 miles away but if it were further I would not turn up and expect to stay, especially on Mother's 'weekend'. But for heavens sake this Gran is coming on a forum and using it as a sounding board! She does not deserve to be berated at every turn. I did not understand when my first grandchild was born that I would have to make an appointment to visit lol! Well it was not like that back in the 80's when I was shelling kids out like peas. People turned up at hospital to see you/babe and you smiled through the hormonal tears. Friends and family visited at home and you all got on with it. My in-,laws lived 100 miles away. They would come down on an occasional Sunday and I would do lunch for all (ok my teeth were clenched till they were fed). We all have to learn about our own families.

Yes your son and his wife have gone through more than one miscarriage and that is very frightening and sad. I have had one, which was my third pregnancy. I grieved for the child I had lost and I knew he/she would have been amazing because the first two kids were.

Well I do not know how it will go in your situation but you need to tread really carefully as permanent estrangement happens all too easily. I have not seen my nearly 8 year old grandchild since she was one. At one point my son was hiding the presents I sent in the loft rather than let his partner know about them!

You must be genuine in your attempts to make this right. And finally I would just give you my condolences in respect of the grandchildren who did not make it to the earth plane xx