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In need of advice about DIL

(105 Posts)
AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 19:49:19

Hello everyone, a friend recommended me to this page. I would appreciate some advice to this issue.

My lovely son had been with DIL for seven years, married for three. They have a beautiful little 2 year old girl that I adore, although I’ve never been allowed the amount of care that I’m used to with my other son’s children.

About a year after they had GD, DIL had a miscarriage. It was during the Christmas season and she was reasonably upset. I did my best to sympathize, without it effecting the rest of the family’s festivities, of course.

The following May they had another loss. We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit over Mother’s Day (we live a few hours drive from them) and DIL did not seem pleased. The visit further soured when my son told us she was experiencing yet another pregnancy loss. She spent all weekend shut away in her room while we played with GD in the main room. She didn’t come to Mother’s Day lunch and asked not to be given a gift, and didn’t even say goodbye when we left.

After that weekend DIL distanced from me and DH. She removed me from social media and wouldn’t chat with us on the phone when we called my son. It was obvious she was losing it. When I recommended that she go visit a physician for her mental health, she threw a fit. I was no longer allowed contact with her at all, or my lovely GD. This was last May.

We saw DIL, my son and GD at Christmas with family, but she didn’t speak to me nor even look in my direction. We heard through the grapevine that she had another loss in September, and I was outraged I wasn’t told by her or my son. For goodness sake, these are my grandchildren she’s losing.

Anyway, come to find out she’s pregnant again and due in September. This one seems to be progressing fine as she’s well into the trimester. I’m hurt that my son waited so long to tell me, and they didn’t let us know what has changed to cause this pregnancy to thrive where the others hadn’t. Life changes? Medication? IVF? I believe we have a right to know.

But my biggest issue is that she hasn’t warmed back up to us yet. Yes, we still have occasional contact with my son and see GD over FaceTime, but she still doesn’t include me in pregnancy news and hasn’t invited us round or to stay for the weekend in nearly a year. When should I expect her to be over this? She has her baby, shouldn’t she be getting over this?

3nanny6 Sat 11-Apr-20 12:04:03

AgathaRay : this comes from your post Friday 10th April.
You have said " Good luck with your delusional situations"
As bad as mine is, at least I still have minor contact.

I would suggest you re-read your post and I am already under the conclusion that it is yourself that is delusional and perhaps slightly worse.
In regard of having "minor " contact which you say many of us do not have if you continue with your insensitive, overly demanding and complete lack of empathic behaviours I can see that your minor contact could easily revert to No contact.

Starblaze Sat 11-Apr-20 12:11:51

It was a pretty awful thing to say 3nanny6 maybe people are right.

3nanny6 Sat 11-Apr-20 12:28:54

Starblaze; Do not take my reply or read something into it that is not there. On reading the original post much of what the poster expressed had little compassion for the daughter in law.

Later down the thread the poster called many of us on the thread delusional. All I pointed out that perhaps it is she that is delusional.
Also the original poster pointed out that at least she has minor contact which is something that some of us do not have. We know how estrangement occurs and this is what an estrangement thread is about I have pointed out that she could lose that contact if she does not change her behaviour.

Please tell me what you mean "a pretty awful thing to say" I understand that this forum and even this thread is open to another poster to have an opinion and I expressed mine.

Starblaze Sat 11-Apr-20 12:36:09

Er 3nanny6 I was agreeing with you that what OP said was awful. Please look again.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 11-Apr-20 12:39:35

Any woman who has suffered a miscarriage cannot be blamed for not daring to believe that her next pregnancy will result in a healthy child.

Your DIL has had more than one miscarriage. Cut the poor girl some slack.

You surely didn't expect a woman in the throes of a miscarriage to feel like celebrating Mother's Day, did you?

Frankly, I think it will take a lot of hard work on your behalf to repair all that has gone wrong with your relationship to your DIL. The only person who can really advise you here is your son. He should know how you can apologise to his wife and improve your relationship to her.

Bibbity Sat 11-Apr-20 12:46:33

You remind me of my MIL.
She’s been cut out for almost 3 years. She has never met our youngest DD.
And she never will.

She will never have a significant relationship with them while they are young. As adults they are free to peruse one that does not involve me at all.

There is nothing she could ever do to repair the damage she has done. We want nothing to do with her. There is no apology. No begging that could ever make us think that she is good enough to be apart of our lives.

3nanny6 Sat 11-Apr-20 12:46:50

Starblaze : I made the mistake then I thought you were thinking I was nasty to her. Sorry about the confusion.

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 12:56:14

I agree with starblaze that some mil are like this. They are just not so honest writing it in a public forum.

beverly10 Sat 11-Apr-20 12:59:23

Take a back seat and channel your energy elsewhere .

Starblaze Sat 11-Apr-20 13:01:05

Malignant is the word that comes to mind Hithere

paddyanne Sat 11-Apr-20 13:02:59

Women who haven't had a miscarriage dont understand what its like,my own lovely MIL who I love dearly said "maybe the next one will be a boy" after the death at 4 days of my premature daughter .Having said that nowadays miscarriage is talked about more nowadays and the OP should have at least some understanding of the horror of her DIL's situation.The guilt, was it something she did or didn't do that caused the loss,the grief and the fear as another pregnancy begins.My thoughts are with her DIL in this,I send her all my best wishes for a happy outcome for her and her wee family for a safe delivery of a much wanted child.To the OP I cant believe any mother could be this insensitve ,if you want to ever be involved in that wee family you have a lot of heartsearching to do to find any way that will make up for your attitude .I dont know if you're capable of that

hallgreenmiss Sat 11-Apr-20 13:03:28

these are my grandchildren she’s losing
Says it all I think OP

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 13:06:22

I had an idea before my mc how awful they can be.

It is call empathy.

hallgreenmiss Sat 11-Apr-20 13:13:38

I presume OP is in USA; Mother’s Day in May, do American MILS have a special attitude?

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 13:19:02

No, the US isn't the only country with this kind of people. They are all over the world

Smileless2012 Sat 11-Apr-20 13:24:22

The OP could be in the USA hallgreenmiss as as you say their Mother's day is in May. It's the same in Austalia.

Witzend Sat 11-Apr-20 13:41:29

Ditto to so much of the above.
As for recommending her to see a physician about her mental health, WTF????
You do realise that people can be very unhappy/suffering grief over such things as repeated miscarriages, without having mental health ‘issues’?

Newmom101 Sat 11-Apr-20 13:58:44

Thinking about the Mother’s Day situation I can’t actually believe you lacked so much empathy and insight OP.

Your DIL was having her second miscarriage, on Mother’s Day of all days, and you stuck around rather than left? And then had the cheek to be annoyed that she hid in her bedroom? Did it not occur to you that she didn’t want to celebrate the day? That she was in pain, physically as well as emotionally? And that she would have been bleeding? She needed you this leave so she could have some privacy in her own home to deal with all of that. And staying to help with your GD? Your son could do that. Your DIL could have probably done with some time to cuddle her DD and find some comfort in a shitty situation. But instead she felt uncomfortable in her own home.

As for your son, calling him a ‘quiet, sweet boy’ is ridiculous. He’s a man, not a boy, he’s fathered a child, stop infantilising him. He should have put his wife first and told you to leave. The fact that he didn’t, the way you refer to him, and the level of entitlement to knowing about the miscarriages/pregnancies speaks volumes about your relationship. I would guess that he often feels torn because he feels a lot of guilt if he upsets or angers you, so he upset his wife instead. When she was actually suffering.

You come across as entitled towards the grandchildren, an awful lot like my own mother. Has it even occurred to you that your DIL is dealing with a pregnancy, that she’s clearly wants very much, during the middle of a pandemic? That she will be worrying about her health, the health of the baby? The risk of miscarrying again if she gets ill with this virus? I’m guessing you haven’t.

I’m 40 weeks pregnant and very worried about giving birth and having a newborn during this time. My own mother is constantly saying to me how she’s so devastated that she won’t be able to see ‘her grandchild’ straight away. She hasn’t asked how I’m feeling about all of this, because she’s too self-absorbed to see past her feelings. It completely puts me off encouraging a close relationship between her and my children, she hasn’t ever babysat my DD and won’t.

You need to ask your son how you can fix this. Or talk it through with a professional, without sugar coating it.

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 14:08:09

I am so sorry your mother is so insensitive. You deserve better than that.

BlueBelle Sat 11-Apr-20 14:11:49

I too think you are totally in the wrong Agatha you are expecting far too much you seem to have little or no empathy for your daughter in law They have been bereaved three or more times the poor lady needs leaving alone to come to terms with it all You seem only concerned about your needs (seeing your grandchild and having lots of others) She is not there to produce you grandchildren
You really do sound terrible lacking in humanity
The way you speak of your loving quiet son in glowing terms but she’s just there to produce for you
Now this may not be so but it how it is coming across
So I have to agree with everyone else on here and say step back and maybe send a big bunch of flowers and a letter to say “I m sorry I don’t think I have taken your grief into account at all, I won’t interfere again but I want you to know I am here for you if there is anything at all I can do to help”
Then step right back

Starblaze Sat 11-Apr-20 14:16:00

Me too Newmom I think OP will be in for a shock. I was the one who would have done anything to please and appease my mum. Till the day I reached my limit and went NC. I'm sure the DIL will be scapegoat if OP hasn't listened but it will be her son who cuts her off.

Daddima Sat 11-Apr-20 16:13:05

I think a couple of things you say are a worry. You say you could have included more details or emotion, but to me that sounds as if you feel your actions would be approved of if you shared this information. If that’s the case, I doubt you’ll be in the right place to do what you need to to make things right, because the first thing I think you’d need to do would be to do whatever’s necessary to make things better, and, from the tone of your posts, it sounds as if you’d find this difficult.
Another thing was you thinking that you could ‘ take her mind off it’ with flowers and a lunch.
I’m sorry you feel advice ( which you did ask for) was cruel, but I feel your therapist saying things you want to hear would be counterproductive.

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 16:35:12

Apology does not reconciliation.

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 16:35:32

Does not mean to be followed by..... sorry!

Madgran77 Sat 11-Apr-20 21:19:46

Agatha I am sorry that you feel that advice has been cruel. I can't agree though as I think there is a real consistency from every reply, which perhaps could help you to reconsider your position in this situation. You appear to feel that as you have never had a miscarriage you cannot be expected to understand what your DIL was going through. One does not have to actually experience something to be able to have empathy and to show understanding and care.

Why would someone who has had a miscarriage be expected to participate in Christmas festivities by the rest of the family, including you? Why should a person who has had a second miscarriage be expected to enjoy a Mothers Day Lunch ..a MOTHERS day lunch... just after a miscarriage?!!

In these circumstances, it is hardly surprising that communication is breaking down! A genuine apology for causing pain, truly meant and accepting of how pain was caused is the first step...but then it really is up to your son and his wife how they respond. And how you behave after your truly meant apology will influence how things go forward!!

Your fears about not having a relationship with your grandchildren are understandable. But if you lose your relationship with their parents then you won't ...whatever you do or say.

I truly hope you can hear the wise advice given throughout this thread.