I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
“ Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all.”
That is pretty much saying don’t express an honest opinion?
I dont think any thread has to be an argument. It can be a discussion, a debate, it doesnt have to be an argument and yes, certainly shouldn't get personal.
That is pretty much saying don’t express an honest opinion
It looks that way doesn't it Lucca? 
My opinion/advice is to send a birthday card. It's the first birthday since the breakdown in the relationship and so is an olive branch. If the card elicits either no response or a negative response, a decision can then be taken as to how Dibbydob can move on.
Not really no, that's just my honest opinion. You can obviously do as you wish. I'll leave you to it
For me Toadinthehole's post was very informative and gave a perspective from an EAC I haven't seen before.
It's being assumed that Dibbydod's D wont welcome a card from her but we don't know do we. I advised her to think carefully as much for her own welfare as her D's, as not having a card acknowledged may hurt Dibbydod even more and she's been through so much already.
It's a card. If her D doesn't want to read it she can just throw it away. If her D regards it as harassment no doubt she'll contact her and say not to send anything else.
On the other hand she may view it the way Toadinthehole viewed receiving cards from her mother, that that was all she can do in the circumstances, she may appreciate the effort and see it as the door being left open by her mum, should she ever see things differently.
I agree Madgran, no thread needs to dissolve into an argument and should never become personal.
As you say Chewbacca depending on any response from her D, positive or negative or no response, Dibbydob can then decide how to proceed.
Thank you all for your comments / advice it’s much appreciated. I’m still in bit limbo as to what to do , but, after reading all your posts , I think the best way forward is,, as most say , send her just a simple card saying with love from Mum .
I never thought for one moment that I’d be in this position, I’d always been led to believe that I’d had a fairly good relationship with my daughter, and this could not have come at a worse time . I do feel so very hurt by her attitude towards me , and even though she is my first born , deep down I don’t think I could ever forgive somehow , as I could never ever have done this to my own mum . I also feel so desperately for my son, as he says he feels very upset his sister has done this and feels that his family are falling apart . When my son told me how it hurts him , I did post a little note through my daughters letterbox to say that can we please resolve this as she is not just hurting me but she is hurting her brother also , but even that has been ignored . It’s beyond my wildest dreams that she can do this to me as all I’ve done is love her . This has hurt me so deeply .
Dawn22
Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.
Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.
Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.
Hi Dawn 22 , thank you for your comments, and yes ,you are right, I’m saying that I’m proud I’d my daughter, but, like you say , now is NOT the time to feel proud of her as I have well and truly been let down by her treatment of me . I have mixed feelings , one of love for her because she is my daughter and one of dislike for her because of the hurt she has caused me , and her brother. If I had done or said something that is totally unforgivable then I could well understand her attitude, but, I know I have not , I have always been decent Mum , worked hard to give them my best ( I’ve been divorced 30 odd years ) and have always been there to help and to listen to all that she has to say . I may not be perfect , I have my downfalls , but then so does everyone else , but on the whole , I've been kind caring and a happy mum . x
Diddydod if you can't forgive her anyway, what is the point of sending a card?
If you feel your pain at your daughter wanting space is more than whatever prompted her need for space, I don't think this will be resolved either. I also think that is probably the reason why it won't be resolved.
Your daughter will probably also know this. There is no room for her feelings here.
It is not a good idea to involve a third person in adult matters.
If your son has a problem with his sister, he should bring it up to her himself.
AgnurseI’m not sure how sending a card of love is harassment. What kind of world do we live in if a patent says they live their child and wishes them a happy birthday or whatever. Sending a card keeps the four open. And since when does a child dictate what you can or cannot do? Let them deal with it. Why is always the parents fault.
I go with my heart and send a card every year to my son. It makes ME feel good. Too bad if he doesn’t like it.
Sorry for the typos.
It's very hard for an EAC's siblings Dibbydod. I know our DS had similar feelings about our situation, that his family was falling apart especially in the beginning.
It's not a matter of you involving him, he's your son and his sister's brother so, to a certain extent is automatically involved. Our DS spoke to us a lot about the situation with his brother to begin with, and still does occasionally. TBH I wish he wouldn't but he says he's unable to talk to his brother about it because he gets so angry; he has to be able to talk to someone doesn't he.
It's not a mater of your pain being greater than your D's and it shouldn't be a matter of her pain being greater than yours. I don't agree from what you've told us that there is no room in your life for your D's pain. If anything it appears to be the other way around.
You've lost your partner of 22 years, by your own admission struggled to come to terms with the loss and recognising how difficult this has been for your D, have apologised.
Life can and does take it's toll on us all one way or another. We can't always be the rock that our AC would like us to be and as adults themselves, they should be able to accept that. Even if they are unable or unwilling to give the support that may be needed at a particularly difficult period in their parent's lives, that shouldn't make it necessary for them to turn their backs and walk away.
"And since when does a child dictate what you can or cannot do? Let them deal with it. Why is always the parents fault."
We are not talking about a 'child'... OP's daughter is an ADULT.
And that "she is the 'child' so I can do what I want and she better 'like' it..." attitude is why some EP's are estranged.
As adults we absolutely DO have the right to walk away, whether our parents agree with our reasoning or not...
Don't send anything.
I agree, we are talking about an adult, an adult child.
IMO it's the OP's AC whose displaying 'I am the 'child' so I can what I want and she better like it attitude by telling the OP that if and when she's ready to talk to her mother she'll do so on her own terms.
With an attitude like that from an AC, I agree it's no wonder some parents are estranged.
Two thoughts
1. Even if the child is a minor, he/she may have very good input on what he/she thinks and that should be taken into account by the parent.
2. Estrangement - the actions after the breakdown of communication may cement the resolution on the EACs' side
For example: messages exchanged between the parties
So it's not all about what caused the estrangement but what happened afterwards
Yes I agree that it's not all about what caused the estrangement but what happened afterwards.
I would go on to say on point 2. Hithere that what happens after the breakdown may also cement the resolution on the EP's side too.
An EAC may at some point wish to look for reconciliation with their parent(s) but depending on what's happened, that may not be something their parent(s) desires.
Not because the love their parent(s) has for them isn't unconditional but because their parent(s) feels unable to put themselves back into that precarious relationship.
i wonder what the daughter would say about all this.
If you don't send one you will feel worse than if you do.
I know it's not all about you, but that is my considered opinion
It’s a card, if she puts it in the bin will it matter you won’t know. Forget she didn’t contact you, just send your daughter a card, love from mom x that’s enough, you don’t know what problems she might have.
HolyHannah Mayve you misunderstood me. My children are all adults but they are still my children. Why are you so offended? I feel that if a parent want to send a card they should do what they want. If their child doesn’t like it so what. I never said they better like it so please don’t put words into my mouth. Look at you trying to control all is us by saying don’t send anything. Wow!
Dibbydodd
This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel
Best wishes
It doesn't seem to matter to EAC that their parents don't like being estranged does it Rhinestone so what's an unwanted card in comparison?
Toetoe
for you and your sister.
Smileless2012
*Toetoe*
Thank you smileless. Very kind
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