I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
Smileless2012
It doesn't seem to matter to EAC that their parents don't like being estranged does it Rhinestone so what's an unwanted card in comparison?
Not true of all EAC Smileless. Estranging a parent can be heartbreaking but absolutely necessary for mental health reasons.
Please don't make blanket statements, it's unhelpful.
If you could ask your mum* dibbydod* what do you think her advice would be.?
In our situation of estrangement ..and I fully understand that all situations are different...we have been advised by the professionals to keep communications open but that is exhausting emotionally . I’d send a simple card then move on.
That takes practise. ?
Yes, send it. Let her know you love her. If nothing else, it is the anniversary of a significant day for both of you and it’s a nice gesture. It shows your door is still open and that she is in your thoughts. Hopefully it may prompt a response. If not, I would still carry on sending Xmas and birthday cards. It’s not worth cutting her off. You will always be her mother and she only has one. She’ll come round eventually I’m sure.
You're right, I should have put 'some EAC'.
Thank you Smileless
Toetoe
Dibbydodd
This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel
Best wishes
Thank you @ Toetoe , and also to all that have given their kind thoughts . I feel deeply for anyone in similar situations as it’s really out of our control. You see someone on the news that have committed the most terrible of crimes , and when they go to court they always have their nearest and dearest hugging them and holding hands with them , yet , this situation is so very trivial in comparison , and my daughter decides not to speak to me , ignores Mothers Day and my recent birthday, her actions have caused so much hurt and pain , made so worse by the loss of my partner , which couldn’t have come at a worse time .
Don’t know how the future would be , if and when she decides to start taking to me again , as things could never go back as they were before because I would always be on my guard , worrying if I’ve said or done the wrong thing , as I feel I couldn’t go though this situation with her again . People don’t realise that their actions now can cause a lifetime of uncertainty as the trust has been broken and can be very hard to recover .
Granniesunite
If you could ask your mum* dibbydod* what do you think her advice would be.?
In our situation of estrangement ..and I fully understand that all situations are different...we have been advised by the professionals to keep communications open but that is exhausting emotionally . I’d send a simple card then move on.
That takes practise. ?
Granniesunite , ..in answer to your question, if my mum were here with us now , I know that she would be deeply hurt by this also , it’s not the sort of behaviour that would be accepted by my mum and dad . Think that my mum would advise me to leave her well alone , let her come around in her own time , and that would include in not sending her a birthday card , mainly because as I’d just lost my partner , there was no need for my daughter to bring this extra hurt upon me while I was already grieving, and I feel,that my dad would say the same thing .
Sorry to hear of your own hurt in your estrangement, but may I say that the professionals are not always right , it’s about how you feel , as it is you that has to deal with the hurt and pain , not them .
Dibbydod
Toetoe
Dibbydodd
This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel
Best wishesThank you @ Toetoe , and also to all that have given their kind thoughts . I feel deeply for anyone in similar situations as it’s really out of our control. You see someone on the news that have committed the most terrible of crimes , and when they go to court they always have their nearest and dearest hugging them and holding hands with them , yet , this situation is so very trivial in comparison , and my daughter decides not to speak to me , ignores Mothers Day and my recent birthday, her actions have caused so much hurt and pain , made so worse by the loss of my partner , which couldn’t have come at a worse time .
Don’t know how the future would be , if and when she decides to start taking to me again , as things could never go back as they were before because I would always be on my guard , worrying if I’ve said or done the wrong thing , as I feel I couldn’t go though this situation with her again . People don’t realise that their actions now can cause a lifetime of uncertainty as the trust has been broken and can be very hard to recover .
Xx?
This lockdown seems to have some people saying just what they think to relatives, sadly.
I don't know if it's because that have had time on their own to go back and dredge up every last real or imagined bad thing that some people (who may well not have realised at the time) have said or done in the often distant past.
It's a great shame that at the time , your daughter could not have been a bit more understanding. She obviously had an axe to grind with you over something and just let rip, or maybe just thought that because you and your partner were not married, that his death shouldn't bother you as much as if you were! Or maybe in the past, she felt rejected or left out because of you spending time with him rather than her.
I would send a card and keep sending a card each year regardless of her reaction.
It will be too late for her to do anything when you are gone and as an adult, she must surely realise that no one id infallible!
Lockdown has also had the effect that people have realised not seeing some family members has had huge positive impact on their mental health.
So they are looking into why that may be the case.
My psychologist said the same thing ... send a card and keep the lines of communication open. She can always throw it away or rip it up but in your heart you will have done the right thing for you. Remember you are communicating with love.
People don't realise that their actions now can cause a lifetime of uncertainty as the trust has been broken and be very hard to recover. That's so true Dibbydod and must impact on the possibility of a reconciliation taking place and whether or not it's successful.
Sometimes too much time on your hands to think about the past isn't always a good thing is it jaylucy. We went to some friends for a BBQ last night, just the four of us and for the first time in a long time, talked about our ES who they'd known from childhood.
I ended up with a headache which is only just subsiding
.
I remember you telling us about your psychologists advice Rhinestone and if helps an EP to send a card I don't see anything wrong with that. The card can be thrown away unopened.
That's what I do, throw them out unopened. I didn't get one this year though which meant a much more enjoyable birthday without remembering she exists
With or without a card, is it ever possible for an EAC to forget the existence of the parent(s) they've estranged? I don't think EP's are able to forget the existence of their EAC and cards are never received.
I had a good birthday and I didn't think about her. That's a positive and not a negative. It's taken me a long time to even see a birthday as something special to be enjoyed and not about her hurting me or otherwise making it about herself. I spent 3 teenage birthdays completely alone as they went on holiday and left me behind and I wasn't allowed anyone in the house. The neighbours were "watching".
Same regarding mothers day. Which had to be about her completely and wasn't to be celebrated for myself in any way ever.
I can even talk about her without it having a detrimental effect on my mental health.
Every day I forget she exists is a blessing
Those are milestones aren't they. I remember the first time I didn't think about our ES on my birthday and Mother's day and sometime later, it not registering it was his birthday, until the day was nearly over.
Mixed emotions on that one; it was good to get through the day without being upset but it's not something I ever thought would happen.
It's probably a lot easier for me as my parent was abusive. I hope she forgets I exist but she was probably happy somewhere talking about:
How evil I am for estranging her (I'm not).
How I've taken away her precious grandchildren (she never really bonded with them, they were just accessories to her).
How it was my husbands fault for being abusive (he isn't).
How actually she wouldn't want me back in her life anyway (why pretend to be upset about it then?)
Its amazing how different things look when you realise it's an abusive person doing them.
Yes it makes it easier somehow because you know it's not you that's got the problem, it's them.
While I can understand why an adult child might cut off an abusive parent, that abuse has to be pretty serious and maybe yours was Starblaze but I was reminded of something by your example. If you were deliberately left out then ignore the following.
We had a situation years ago with our fairly stroppy teenage daughter refused to come away with us on holiday, which caused a lot of upset. Cutting the story short she stayed home alone with the same rules as you, including the watching neighbours who we saw as adults to call on if there had been a problem. It would have been irresponsible to leave a young girl home alone with no backup. I worried the whole time we were away and it was not the happy relaxing holiday we had hoped for.
I was just left out silverlining. I'm sure I was a stroppy teenager at times though, pretty normal development phase. Been through it with all of mine, now a stroppy adult due to menopause looming.
I'd say I was at the mild end of teenage behaviour though as with my children.
I had a good birthday and I didn't think about her. That's a positive and not a negative. It's taken me a long time to even see a birthday as something special to be enjoyed and not about her hurting me or otherwise making it about herself.
That is good that you can now see your birthday as special and to be enjoyed Starblaze
Dibbydod, if you usually send a card, then just send one. Whether she rips it up or not is irrelevant. Don't try to hurt her back, just be your usual old self.
When people can't cope with a situation, they often get angry and victim blame. It suits them - and gives them 'permission' to ignore it. If you can forgive her, she may, in time, resume contact.
Good advice Hetty.
Bless your heart dibbydod. Although we ( my sister ) and I dont know you , please know we are both thinking of you . X
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