Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Toetoe

Bless your heart dibbydod. Although we ( my sister ) and I dont know you , please know we are both thinking of you . X

Thank you so much Toetoe for your kind message x And thank you all for your comments/advice , I’ve taken note and decided I’ll send my daughter a birthday card , just something simple with simple message, because I feel that if I don’t I’ll always regret it , she is my daughter after all , I just hope that she will appreciate it , which deep down , I think she will x

Well done you , good decision. Sometimes you have to do what feels right without tying yourself in knots about it, and it’s just a card after all.

I'm glad you've reached a decision that you feel comfortable with Dibbydod I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.

Take care.

All the best to you Dibbydods . Not an easy descion I know.

Hope that now you've made up your mind you feel a little bit easier in your mind. Send her your love then practise letting the hurt go and be kind to yourself.

You won’t regret it, I’m sure. My mum did eventually stop sending me cards, but she may have died, I have no way of knowing. I am grateful she tried though, in the only way she knew. God bless, and I pray your daughter will come through. Take care?

Starblaze I apologize but I don’t remember your backstory. Was your mother verbally or physically abusive to you? If you had siblings how did she treat them?

Mostly verbal Rhinestone, occasionally physical. Both covert.

You OK?

Overall I have changed my stance slightly on this one after considering everyone else's comments.

Now I think:

If you have just had a child stop contact with nothing saying otherwise, send the card. Keep it simple.

If you have been told not to contact them, send nothing. Then if they come to you and say "you ignorded my birthday!" you can just say you respected them too much as an adult to go against their wishes.

Thank you for inquiring Starblaze
I am doing ok. I’m trying to u derstand both sides of this . I hope you won’t mind me asking if you ever tried to confront your mother about what she did? Does she have a mental illness perhaps?
Would she have gone to counseling with you?

Rhinestone yes I did try to discuss it. I'd tried to discuss it as it was happening but she could deny saying something 5 minutes later or simply dismiss it no matter how much pain she caused me. I discussed in depth what the problems were and why not stopping them meant I would estrange and also sent a long contact with my reasons. I do think she has a mental illness but she is in control of who she targets with it and hides it from others. Yes I did offer to go to counselling, she laughed at me. I think it's probably fair to say I tried every approach possible to have a good relationship with her.

I don't want to give too much detail or depth incase she found me here. To be fair though I've heard the same story told back to me by many other estranged children.

Starblaze To me being dismissed or laughed at is horrible. I’m sorry she couldn’t be more open to communication and your feelings. I wish my son would tell me anything and I would go to counseling in a minutes notice.
It sounds like you tried and for that you have my admiration. Mental illnesses are tough because we try to be the rational one and they cannot be.

Some people aren't good communicators Rhinestone I've always been very wordy and filled with the determination that I can make someone understand if I just put the right words together in the right order. So putting an end to contact was hard for me because I had to know that I had tried my best and didn't realise I was just repeating myself in different sentences.

It must be very painful for you to not have had that. Maybe it would have been painful if you did too as others have said. It's a tough one. Maybe one day he will be able to do so. We can't always fix things, especially mental health problems, no matter how much we want to. It has to come from them as adults in charge of themselves

Starblaze While it’s true that some are not good communicators, that shouldn’t stop them from wanting to repair a broken relationship. Showing that you would go to counseling or listening to what the other person has to say means you intend to make amends. I’m sorry that didn’t happen for you. And like you but in an opposite circumstance, I have tried everything to get my son to explain what happened. But, as he lives with my X and has not worked in two years, there is more to this story . He is using his silly fight with his sister as an excuse to not see me. He THINKS that I sided with his sister when my DH and I told him we didn’t . No abuse from us just a perceived notion that we took her side . How wasteful of both our lives to allow an estrangement for three years. Even my X has said it’s all so petty but that he clearly has some irrational mental issues. And being an adult who thinks he’s always correct , he’s not going to get help.

It's such a waste isn't it Rhinestone, all that time that neither of you can ever get back.

Re OP I was talking with a friend about how we both have mothers on their own, and how selfish and demanding they have gotten as they got older. There have been times I’ve had to distance myself for my own mental health. I work 2 jobs, but shifts, have a young child, and not a huge amount of time. My mother will constantly guilt trip me, playing the “woe is me” card. She doesn't drive but can walk to local shops. She has plenty of money and could easily afford a taxi to the shopping centre. She wants me to go over all the time, get this, fix that, take me to the shopping centre. I do it all and it costs me a fortune, in fuel and getting stuff, she rarely even offers to pay for a coffee when I take her out. I get stressed out and lose a day out of my week. If she got even more needy I would probably have to distance myself more. I don’t have the capacity for it. So I think we must really bear in mind that if we expect children to stay in touch keep it light and fun, don’t moan, don’t expect your children to do everything for you, mental or physical. When my dad was alive there is no way on earth she would have expected him to give up a day each week to see her mum. She used to visit twice a year! But because I’m a woman she thinks I should just do it.
Send your daughter a card, brief message, nothing more, Xmas and Birthday. If she gets in touch ask about her, be positive, don’t complain. You might start to build bridges. Ask her what you can do for her.

Rhinestone it must be awful for your children fall out. I don't know what I would do in that situation. It does worry me though as I no longer speak to my brother but we didn't fall out until after the estrangement and it was his choice.

What happened between them? If they were able to repair things would that make it better for you?

Starblaze I really think there are some mental issues with my son . My brother has them and my mother is bipolar. So it’s in the gene’s unfortunately and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I was spared. My DS wanted my daughter to apologize for hitting his hand away when it was in his face after HE started two ridiculous fights that day over global warming and her beliefs. When her daughter asked for some candy he screamed four letter words calling her a s.... mom and on and on. He put his finger in her face and she hit it away. He wanted her to apologize for that which she did in text to everyone. He called us the next day to talk about her. I explained that they were both wrong him for his starting of the fights and her for hitting his hand away. My husband told him that we had discussed her part in it with her. He didn’t believe us and thus the estrangement. But he kept upping what he wants. He won’t talk to us until she now apologizes in person. She all ready did In text but he is upping the anty so to speak. I’m embarrassed to even be writing this because of how stupid and childish it all is.

I’m embarrassed to even be writing this because of how stupid and childish it all is.

Dont be embarrassed Rhinestone , the "smallest" things are big if they matter to someone in these difficult situations

Rhinestone don't be embarrassed. I don't have much experience with Bipolar, just one friend who discribes her emotions and mental health as a roller-coaster and I'm happy to ride it with her. I don't understand it though or what it feels like. How can anyone, even the person suffering, when they have no other way of being to compare it with?

Like when I am depressed or anxious, I know I am. I have experience of not being those things to compare it to.

I think you just need to know and understand that you handled that situation as best you could and there is nothing you can do to make another adult understand their own minds when they have something like that to deal with. That's why we have professionals with years and years of training yet we can't force another adult to go to them either.

Be gentle with yourself

RazzyJust wondering if you have time to even see friends. You sound so busy.
Maybe you could help your mom find a handy man to help her so you wouldn’t be burdened of having to see her once a week.
Maybe you could be part of the solution by having a talk with her and explaining your problem. In all fairness she did spend tons of money raising you. Maybe there is a “ home” you could put her in where you have no responsibility.

Rhinestone -- People who have to deal with abusive parents or parents with unrealistic 'expectations' of their children get very tired as being seen as the "problem".

"Maybe you could be part of the solution by having a talk with her and explaining your problem." -- This 'solution' is a useless endeavor. As soon as you try to explain "your problem" it becomes more abuse. How dare you have 'problems' especially if you think they are the 'problem'?

"In all fairness she did spend tons of money raising you." -- So what. I was planned and 'wanted' by my 'mom'. I didn't ask to be born and didn't sign a contract saying because she 'raised' me I owe her. I don't owe my abuser anything. No one owes an abuser anything.

HolyHannah-No. No one owes an abuser anything but Razzy is still doing for her. There must be a reason there is not a complete break. And of course what is abuse is different to many people I guess. But if you continue to see the abuser than
complain about seeing them, it does seem counterintuitive to your mental health. If a parent put you down, called you names, bullied, neglected or physically abused you then you are correct, there wouldn’t be any need to see that person.
So it’s confusing to me why there is contact.
I didn’t see Razzy day there was abuse . I just saw her say it was inconveniencing her life and costing her money. Am I missing a pist?

Meant Post sorry.

I’d like to say thank you to everyone who replied, it’s helped me so very much . My daughters birthday was few days ago now , and after reading all your kind and helpful messages I decided I would send her a simple but nice birthday card ,and just signing it .... ‘ with love from Mum x ‘. ....,,Thought this the best way as then not being intrusive but just kindly thought from her Mum ....I just hope that this situation will eventually be resolved and we can be the happy family we once used to be .x

You've done as much as you can Dibby; I wish all goes well for you.