Overcomplicated

Bridie -- I read and post what I think is relevant regardless of the age of the article. If it isn't of interest to you...

But times change, research changes, what was relevant in 2018 may not be applicable today.

I enjoyed the article Holyhannah she has a way with words that is very reassuring. I will look for more

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Star blaze.
But they aren't Holy Hannah words, they belong to the researcher/therapist.

Starblaze -- Oh yes. That's another one.

No. My 'mom' wasn't always "walking on egg-shells" with Me. As always it was the other way around but oh she would disguise it. It would be the pity looks and, "Well if I say this in this tone you'll know I'm not trying to be 'nice' but anyone looking in might think so, so when you react I can say, 'But I was trying to be nice!'...." add immature/dumb smile... And of course this leads to the, "You're too sensitive." in a snotty tone...

Sorry everybody, my last post was meant for another thread.

Mind games HolyHannah ?

FriendlyGhost

That must be a difficult call for grandparents. I think I would be cautious and report such things as abuse can escalate to loss of life very suddenly and children have paid the price in the past. Grandparents may not be aware how bad things truly are and that must make a decision terribly difficult if they don't consider that they don't have all the information.

My grief counsellor was my lifeline Madgran77.

Rosecarmel I understand and I do not mean to oversimplify. There is no book. Just a tool for understanding that I wanted to share as it changed my outlook.

Conversely that suits my daughter very well Starblaze. I backed her into a corner and she became aggressive which just meant I needed to regain her trust. I have it now and our relationship is being rebuilt understanding why she became that way. There is no blame.

^Thank you all once again for sharing your thoughts with me, it is a struggle to keep up^

I understand that realizing something can at times appear sudden, and that asking questions can facilitate the process- But the circumstances that led up to the realization have usually been occurring for quite some time-

I do think, I think like yourself, that once the process of realizing is completed it can become easier each time-

Bridie -- I state the same things myself. What is wrong with quoting an article/researcher who backs what I am saying?

When I write and say, "This is how I believe a situation is..." and provide my personal example do you know what happens next?

I get accused of "making stuff up" or get asked to provide 'something' to back up what I say/believe as the truth.

I am doing just that and yet somehow it's not 'good enough'...

You don't have to have been a perfect parent to have done nothing to deserve being estranged. I don't recall ever seeing a P, estranged or otherwise claiming to have been perfect.

For me it's unrealistic to assume that all EAC had good reasons for estranging their parents especially when there plenty of examples to show that that isn't the case.

Can't ever recall you being accused of "making stuff up" HolyHannah.

Thank you for that article HolyHannah. I found it very informative and it certainly rang true with my own situation. MIL loved using the silent treatment as a form of punishment and to get her way. Me going no contact was not to punish her, but to put an end to her emotional abuse.

Birdie I don’t see how an article from just two years ago is outdated in any way, inlet your looking at statistics. It’s not like it’s from 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that you want proof, but when handed proof you find a reason it’s not good enough.

HolyHannah,but if you are using out of date research to back up what you are posting surely then there is a chance you could be misinforming people ?

Mama bear 20,
No one has shown me any proof, can you ?

Birdie I'm lost now.

What exactly is it you want proof of?

Recent research to verify HolyHannahs postings as correct information.

All of them?

Google may be your friend here.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't intend googling for them, I'm only awaiting verification from HolyHannah who posts the information.

Silent treatment is awful isn't it MamaBear and I agree is emotional abuse, used by parents and AC to punish or push to get their own way.

Bridie I'm so sorry I had your name wrong. It was a genuine mistake. I am having a break from my glasses. They are new and they are digging in behind my ears.

No problem, thank you.

Smileless2012

You don't have to have been a perfect parent to have done nothing to deserve being estranged. I don't recall ever seeing a P, estranged or otherwise claiming to have been perfect.

For me it's unrealistic to assume that all EAC had good reasons for estranging their parents especially when there plenty of examples to show that that isn't the case.

"You don't have to be a perfect parent to have done nothing to deserve being estranged"

No, a person doesn't have to be a perfect parent- The idea that a perfect parent is real is delusional/just an illusion-

Equally delusional/just an illusion is holding on to the notion "have done nothing wrong"-

Figuring out what was done may not be easy- Nor is accepting the fact that an exact answer may never be arrived at-

"have done nothing wrong" is habit behavior- Similar to any habit used to provide some measure of comfort to numb pain-

Where as accepting that something was done, or something had been neglected to be done, is liberating-

Where there's relationships, there are mistakes being made-

Rosecarmel.
That works on both sides of the estranged relationship.