Your money or your grandsons

Chewbacca

I have heard of adult children saying, "I need you to give/lend me £xxxxx and if you don't, I won't visit you anymore", or "I won't let you see the children anymore." When the parent has given whatever is requested, either because they feel blackmailed into it or because they are generous, they still don't get to see their adult child, or their grandchildren. And they don't get their money back either. So there's no fulfilment at that end either and I'm not ok with that.

Whilst I personally have never known anyone to do this, I have no doubt that it happens.

However, asking for a house to be signed over is a big and extreme demand.

That’s why the context is important.

Perhaps if/when JGran comes back, she'll give more background information but, until then, none of us know the full story and so it's all conjecture.

I can see scenarios in real life where a son asking to be given the home may make sense: the person is paying for the mortgage, the person living there is not maintaining it well and the other person needs to step in, the person living in the home is declared incapacitated and is given a guardian, the home was given to another person in a will and the mother is living there, etc.

In this case, the son hasn't talked to the mother in 1 year and this request comes in.
If anything, a relative being sick gets the family closer together, unless there is another set of dynamics in the mix.

I hope OP comes back and explains more

I knew of a case where a person claimed their relatives wanted her home and leave her homeless. She truly believed that and by talking to her, you would believe her 10000%
In reality, she was mentally unstable, refusing medical attention and family wanted to give her a better quality of life on her own home, nobody was kicking her out.

I am not saying this is the case of the OP at all.

There is a regular poster on this forum who has experienced this MrsWarren.

"That’s why the context is important." I agree and have been trying to make that point.

"none of us know the full story and so it's all conjecture." -- Exactly. So why all the attacks on the AC?

Chewbacca

There is a regular poster on this forum who has experienced this MrsWarren.

Has experienced her child demanding money or that she signs over her house?

The former.

Chewbacca

The former.

I am not familiar with that poster or her story but yeah, I have no doubt it happens.

HolyHannah

jenpax and MissAdventure -- Yes. It IS absolutely wrong to demand a parent give up a house. That may be the story but there could be FAR MORE to the 'story' then that.

While I don't have a personal experience I have heard of parents saying, "I'll give you/will you insert if you do 'this' for me." When the AC does whatever is requested and says, "Okay... I looked after you after your surgery etc. when are you going to take care of fulfilling your end?"

Parent says, "I never said that." and then the AC realizes that it was just a tactic for the parent to get what they wanted and had no intention of doing what they said they would they pull away/go NC.

Now I'm not saying that is at play with OP as there is NO CONTEXT to her situation. I think the general sweep to "son is rotten" is being based on 'nothing' and I'm not okay with that.

I know of a family where it was agreed that if one parent passed and the surviving parent remarried, the house would be signed over to the adult children to protect their interests. The surviving parent would live in the property until their death.

Well, after the mother died, the father remarried and refused to sign the house over to the children.

You can imagine the fall out that took place over that.

I know of many cases where agreements were made, but people didn't honour them; particularly in cases of remarriage, step children, and so on.
A legacy is a gift, not a right though, and it's a bit much, when the person is still alive!

MissAdventure

I know of many cases where agreements were made, but people didn't honour them; particularly in cases of remarriage, step children, and so on.
A legacy is a gift, not a right though, and it's a bit much, when the person is still alive!

I agree.

I could see the situation from both sides.

I'm afraid I can't, given the limited info on this particular situation, anyway.

MissAdventure

I'm afraid I can't, given the limited info on this particular situation, anyway.

Well, the children didn’t get the house in the end anyway. I don’t have a strong view on that, it’s none of my business.

I am not saying at all that this is the case with the OP, but I have seen the fall out when promises are not honoured. That’s why I asked.

As I have said, based on nothing/absence of context/information it has been said:

"A man who makes that threat will never give you what you want but will have no problem throwing you out."

"what a money grabbing moron."

"he will have you out of the house as soon as he could if you did this."

"see a solicitor and get a will cutting him out completely after your death. What a piece of..."

"surely nobody could behave this badly. But, assuming it is true, I would not give in and I would cut him out of your will. He sounds like a psychopath."

"what a dreadful man your son is! Personally, I would be tempted to cut him out of the will too."

"what disgraceful behaviour from a son. He will THINK about letting you see him. Tell him to get lost and write him out of your will."

Sometimes children (adult or otherwise) act like little s##t's... I don't mind if someone says, "Your kid is acting like a little s##t." and if they were, I would agree. If someone said, "Your kid is a piece of s##t." I'd lose mine.

Calling son horrible names and ascribing/projecting motivations on him that have no basis in evidence is unhelpful from my POV.

Emotional blackmail. Or holding Grankids to ransome. A neighbour I had once left her house to her grandson. She died when he was about 20 ish. He did not want to live in it. So his parents did until they died. Not sure why the grandchild was left it. It has now been sold and the grandchild has inherited the proceeds.

It is possible OP has become confused. Cancer can leave you with a weak immune system and we are still in a pandemic.

That's why I suggested professional support to understand and unravel this.

Jgran might be horrified that her son is being called names even if she is upset and angry with him herself.

I hope she hasn't returned because she is getting support

I will contact them. Thank you. It is really the emotional pain that is the worst. I miss my grandsons so much. The eldest is 17 this year. The little one is only 5. It is a very long story behind all of this and I admit I have indulged him for many years, but buying him the boots he really, really wants and getting to this point, no...this came out of nowhere for me.

Yes, I have left one property to each of my grandsons. The income from the properties now goes into a college fund for them. Originally, my son would have inherited, but I changed that in light of what happened. Now, My grandsons and nieces and nephews will inherit and my baby sister is the Trustee. She's been the trustee almost the whole time because I know my son is not good with money.

Have you got a mobile number for the 17 year old?

OP

If you start from the beginning, we can give you better advice.

Was it always your intention to leave the properties to your grandchildren? Perhaps your son feels that is inappropriate. Is this why he has asked for the properties to go to him instead?

I don’t think either of my sons would be mature enough at 17 to know what to do with an inheritance like that and you run the risk of the money being squandered. Perhaps a Trust holding the funds until the children are a little older would be a better route to go down.

But this is all just assumptions on my part.

Hithere is right, if you start at the beginning, you will get better advice.

Jgran how does your son know you have changed the will?

Are you sure what he is demanding is a house rather than that just him being upset you have taken him off the will? Because that sounds like a punishment for something.

Perhaps the problem is that he feels punished unfairly and you actually need to address the long story issues with him properly. When AC estrange parents, their children are usually a package deal because the AC feels if they can't have a positive relationship with a parent, their children won't get that either.

Also, from your update, it seems you have multiple properties. Is it one of those properties your son asked to be signed over to him, because your OP sounded like your son was trying to take your home from you.

Does he need the money for something? Is he in debt? Your son’s financial situation is not your responsibility at all, however, if you have been upfront with him about what he is due to inherit, and he is in a situation where the inheritance would make a huge difference to his family’s circumstances now, that could be the reason. Have you asked him what he needs the money for?

Speak to your local CAB, and if the threat is repeated, tell him that coercive control is a crime and if he says or does anything else to bully you or manipulate you out of your house you will go to the police.

Good advice M0nica, CAB will be able to refer JGran to the most appropriate place for legal advice.
It makes no difference how many properties JGran owns, what expectations any relatives have from her estate on her demise, nor what the son wants/needs the money for. The bottom line is that, from what she has said, she's already been more than generous in the past and has made financial provision for her GC. An inheritance is a gift; not a right. And if she's being coerced into giving more than she is comfortable with, she is wise to seek further advice.