Your money or your grandsons

It makes no difference how many properties JGran owns, what expectations any relatives have from her estate on her demise, nor what the son wants/needs the money for

I think it does make a difference, actually.

There is a huge difference between the property in question being the OP’s only home, or it being a rental property where the income is not being relied upon by the OP.

There is a difference between the son feeling entitled to the OP’s money, and the son being in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home.

I have asked the OP such questions, not because I think she should be giving her son anything (she is entitled to do with her properties and money as she pleases), but because I am trying to understand her son’s motives. Is he attempting to coerce her, or is he asking out of a genuine need?

It makes all the difference because:

1. The OP’s son is either a bully who the OP would be wise to stay away from and/or contact the appropriate authorities about; or
2. They have had a falling out over inheritance, which is fairly common, and which could hopefully be resolved.

Also, the eldest grandson is 17. The OP does not need to go through his father to speak to him, surely she has his phone number?

There is a huge difference between the property in question being the OP’s only home, or it being a rental property where the income is not being relied upon by the OP.

Whether th OP owns it or rents it out, is of no consequence to her son or anyone else. Any income that she derives from her property is her business alone; she has no obligation to accommodate or suppirt her son financially or otherwise. He is an adult, not a dependent child and, as such, has his own responsibility to support himself.

There is a difference between the son feeling entitled to the OP’s money, and the son being in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home.

Why is this OPs problem? If the son is in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home, that's for him to resolve, not his mother. OP has clearly stated that she has changed her will. She has every right to leave her estate to any one she chooses; she has no obligation to leave anything to her son, especially if their relationship broken down. Whilst her son may expect to inherit, he has no legal right to do so and if he is coercing his mother to do so, she needs legal advice to get him to stop.

No, absolutely not. Please tell someone you trust what he is up to and ask them to keep an eye on you.

Exactly what Chewbacca said.
Elder abuse is becoming recognised as a serious problem, thankfully.

Chewbacca, I agree with everything you have said.

I don’t believe the OP has any responsibility to support her son financially. I believe the OP is entitled to leave her estate to whomever she chooses to leave it to.

I have not said otherwise.

She has posted on the estrangement boards. I am assuming she doesn’t want to be estranged. I am trying to establish whether the relationship is salvageable. To do that, it is important to understand the son’s motives. Is there anything else going on?

Asking a few questions to determine if anything can be resolved is more helpful, in my view, than writing the relationship off completely.

The OP will know whether her son is coercing her or not, and if he is, there is good information on the thread already. She can take what is relevant to her and leave the rest.

Son has been disinherited, I think the why of that is important.

There were terrible problems that area long story.

Son was disinherited

Son has now estranged

Why was he disinherited? Is that the best way to resolve relationship issues? It seems more like a way to say "I don't like you anymore, you are cut out of my will".

Why did it get to that stage?

The best way in to have good relationship with grandchildren is to have a good relationship with their parents.

There was a court case today where a man in his 40s, with professional qualifications but incapacitated by mental illness, tried to have his parents forced to continue to support him as lavishly as they had in the past, after they reduced his income after a falling out.

The case was thrown out of court because the judge said under British law, parents have no responsibility at all to support adult children.

Yes, I saw that too M0nica and I immediately thought of this thread. His parents had funded his qualifcations for a degree in modern history, a qualified solicitor and a master's degree in taxation and he still thought they owed him! Some entitlement issues.

M0nica

There was a court case today where a man in his 40s, with professional qualifications but incapacitated by mental illness, tried to have his parents forced to continue to support him as lavishly as they had in the past, after they reduced his income after a falling out.

The case was thrown out of court because the judge said under British law, parents have no responsibility at all to support adult children.

I seen this!

The court made the right decision. But some parents do encourage dependency in their children - it sounds as though the financial help came with strings attached.

Sounds like he needs to get himself a copy of Who Moved My Cheese.

I agree, there is a great deal to everyone's story. I am happy to answer any questions. New here, so I don't know if I'm responding correctly, but let me know. I feel that we were building up to this for many years. Actually, ever since he has been in communication with his father. I know that his father has said some negative things about me but he's never been a topic in our home when my son was growing up. I would call him once a year and update him on his son's progress. My son never had interest until he was 19 and then he asked me for his father's number and he called him that day. Even though my son knows that I never hid him from his father, that was his father's claim. Since then my son has been very confrontational with me about everything. Very demanding for control over my estate.

JGran Is it your son's idea to ask for your property, or is his father behind these claims?

Your grandchildren are at an age where they can make their own decisions as to whether they keep in touch or not. Contact with grandchildren does often thin out as they become independent, start work, continue studying etc.

I think what you need to do more than anything, is protect yourself. Talk to someone, a friend, other family member, someone you trust. Speak to Age UK. Here is a link to their Factsheet on Elder Abuse. www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf
I would read it.

I know it is very hard to accept that your son, whom you love and brought up alone, is behaving like this. So many older people in your situation, understandably react like this, but you must take a step back and look at your problem as if it was happening in someone else's family and think what you would advise them to do. Then do it yourself.

JGran's GS at 17 will still be living at home so although he's old enough to make his own decisions with regard to having contact with his GM, if his father is prepared to threaten his own mother in such an awful way in order to get what he wants, who knows what pressure this 17 year old may be under to not have any contact with his GM.

There are various reasons why a P may decide to disinherit an AC; 'punishment' is not necessarily going to be the reason. In some cases the changing of a will occurs due to estrangement because for example, the EP's don't regard it as appropriate that an AC they have no longer have a relationship with should receive a gift in their will.

As has already been said, inheritance is a gift not a right.

Speak to the police. It’s blackmail and attempted extortion.

Still not enough info. Still too vague.

So at some point he was supposed to be given a home but something happened that you changed your mind.
You also acknowledge you coddle him too much for too long and it's a long story.

Still team Switzerland

JGran I agree with the others, don't do this. I would go further, if you live in the UK you should do your Lasting Powers of Attorney so that if you become incapacitated you have given someone to right to deal with your affairs. If you don't your son may be able to go to the Court of Protection and handle everything. However, because you talked of 'College' I suspect you are not in the UK where we would be more likely to say 'University' so perhaps there is something similar you can arrange with your solicitor to ensure your son cannot manage your life in the event you cannot do it yourself.

That's very good advice Nonnie.

I'm not signing it over. I decided that before and told him so which is why I can't see my grandsons. I can't just sign that house over to him without taking chances on cutting my elder care as my properties are my retirement plan.

What a horrible situation JGran and I hope you're getting good advice perhaps from a professional. Would you be able to put your property in trust for your grandchildren for when they're a good deal older? I hope you manage to get it sorted and don't get pushed around.

All of my property investments are my retirement plan. We never know if we will be sick in our last years or if we will be healthy every day to the end so I have invested and he was allowed to live there rent free as long as he worked with me and managed the real estate. He decided to not take care of the real estate during my fight against cancer. I was very sick toward the end of chemo and he just decided he was not going to continue helping me and looked for a 9-5 job. When I first became sick he began pressuring me to sign the properties over and my bank accounts. While weak and forgetful, I was still capable of signing my name.

I wish that the 17 year old had regular access to his phone, but he does not. Especially now that we are in Quarantine due to Covid-19. He has abused his use of his phone in the past so they do now allow him to have it all of the time and I have to be very careful what I say on the messages. If his mother or step-father (my son) see anything they don't like, they will remove me from his contact list. Religion is our biggest barrier as my DIL is Jehovah Witness.

So while you were sick, did your son have a job or he took the role of care taker?

Did he ever had a poa?

What is this big fight between you two that happened a year ago?

To be fair, no contact when parents, no contact with child - in general.

Your gc will be soon 18 and he won't be a minor anymore.

No contact with parents, not when parents.

JGran

I wish that the 17 year old had regular access to his phone, but he does not. Especially now that we are in Quarantine due to Covid-19. He has abused his use of his phone in the past so they do now allow him to have it all of the time and I have to be very careful what I say on the messages. If his mother or step-father (my son) see anything they don't like, they will remove me from his contact list. Religion is our biggest barrier as my DIL is Jehovah Witness.

So you are still in contact with the 17 year old.

What do you mean that “you have to be very careful” about what you say to him? Surely you should not be involving him or saying anything inappropriate to him anyway.