Your money or your grandsons

Perhaps he feels you should already know jgran but you are ending with a situation where everyone seems to get a property but your son... That is going to hurt him deeply.

I wonder if despite the issues, and you must remember that relationships are 2 way and you have had a bigger part than he has being his mum and an adult for longer, if the message you really want to leave him with is, he didn't deserve anything from you.

As to the comments that he had too much on his plate? I'm going to have to go with no on that one. He was really at most working two days a week and then my chemo one day a week at first and every other after the first five weeks.

Now, as for the scary stuff. Yes....and I remember what it was like when My mom died and then my first step-father died. Then one grandfather, then the other. I do understand how scary that was. I was angry at my mom for not fighting, but years later after going through chemo myself, I kind of understand why she made the choice to do nothing and just let the cancer take her.

You may have done so already and told us so, so I apologise if this is the case but if not, could you ask to meet with him so you can talk about everything that may be upsetting/annoying him to the extent that he has now made this unreasonable demand?

Without communication, without him telling you how he's feeling right now and how he's felt in the past that he never told you, you're never going to be able to find a way forward.

My advice FWIW is even if you have done this and he's refused, is do it again. If he refuses, you could tell him that if there ever comes a time when he does want to talk, you'll be there for him to listen.

In the meantime don't give into his demands, if your relationship with your son can be turned around IMO that is not the way to do it.

From what you wrote, you and your son have very different business styles and they are not compatible.

The funny thing is Hithere is that we generally work well together. He likes the things I don't and I like the things he doesn't and it goes well together.

Smileless2012 Yes, I've asked him several times. He wants something with his new job to be where he wants it to be before he talks to me or sees me. I really don't know what it is.

Oh, and someone mentioned seeing a therapist....I tried to get him to go with me and even his wife, but he refused.

Oh my- just seen this. That is truly awful - I am so so sorry.

I based my statement above on him vehemently disagreeing with you when a coworker quit for a mistake on his part and when you said his plate was not full as he only worked 2 days a week

Btw, how do you know he wasnt swamped? Were you in the know of everything he was doing?
Maybe for you, it was an empty plate and for him it's full

Then I suppose all you can do is wait until he's ready JGran. You've done all that you can so I hope for now you can concentrate on you and other family members.

I do agree with the last two posters. Just a thought though, as someone pointed out, when you pass and everyone inherits property except for your son, that is a very strong message you are sending him and singling him out like that is going to hurt - a lot. Whether justified or not, think carefully about if this is how you really want to leave things with him when you are no longer here.

I am hoping that we can resolve our issues long before passing and I am also hoping I can look forward to a long life. However, if I pass today...lightening...a bus??? Then, no, he will not inherit if we do not resolve our issues. I have also just found out that he is only working part-time. They can't be having an easy go of it because I can't imagine that he has even come close to what he was making working for me or with me. I contacted my DIL to see if she would be there for me to drop off a couple of boxes. Masks I picked up for all of them, a few gifts (small items) and the balance of the China set that I gave them for their wedding. It was the one set that she loved and she has known that I had the extra pieces for her. I am trying to go through my house and get rid of the things that I just don't need or use. She stated that she didn't want me to go by and that my son was only working part-time and would come pick them up, but I wasn't going to be home at the time she gave me so I had to decline. I'm hoping to make another appointment date this week for him to come by so, we'll see.

It would be good if you let us know if your sons does drop by and how that goes JGran. You do seem to be 'keeping the door open' which for now, I think is all you can do.

Just a suggestion to ALL: When someone posts here try to consider the following; 1) They may be in a different time zone. 2) They may not be skilled at getting around on this site. I'm a nerd and yet it took me a few days just to figure out how this site is set up. It is not particularly user friendly. 3) They are probably hurting or they wouldn't be here. 4) You jumping in with accusations, interpretations, etc., only confuses the other posters because some of what is said gets confused with what the original poster is saying. 5) Ask questions to find things out. So much of what people have said here just on my post is a lot of statements of unrelated information. 6) Try not to fight with each other. If someone says something that is rude (like telling me that something that happened didn't) is telling me that you think I'm liar. While that was extremely rude and insensitive...I simply replied by stating that it was EXACTLY the words used. While that may not conform to what the RUDE poster knows of a religious group, it is what was said and I would have stated other words had she used them. 7) BE KIND - So many people these days have become keyboard cruel. Why? I'll probably never understand it. The quickest way to have a resource for people who need it, is for people to create a toxic environment.

I will let you know if I get anywhere with my son this week. I am not on every day.

thanks for updating us.
does yr 17 year old GS drive to school.
just wondered if there is any way you could just happen to be passing at going home time...
or would that be too risky ?
by the way, i agree with yr comments re the use of the site.
all the best.

Good luck Jgran. Be prepared for your gesture not to to be taken in the spirit intended.

Jgran

In the nicest possible way...

You are upset that he won't have a relationship with you unless he gets his inheritance (house)

You say he will never get any inheritance unless he has a relationship with you.

Why did you disinherit him?

Is it possible that him knowing you disinherited somehow is the reason he has stopped having a relationship with you including his children?

How he is working and supporting himself is his problem not yours though.

All 7 points you have made have provided good feed back especially as you are a new poster and the points raised give an overview of the initial impression that GN can give JGran. Like welbeck I also agree with the points you have raised.

I couldn't agree more, that the quickest way to lose a resource that may be needed is to create a toxic environment.

You've spent a considerable amount of time giving a detailed account of not just your situation as it stands at the moment, but also of what's happened to bring you to this point.

Your son is unaware that he has been disinherited, so your decision to do so has nothing to do with his being estranged from you for a year and now using contact with his children, as a means to get what he wants.

It's not an easy decision to disinherit one's own child, but sometimes difficult decisions have to be made in case current circumstances don't change, no matter how much we wish they would.

Hoping all goes well if your son visits this week.

I'm so sorry. What a complete shit Isn't that Coercive Control? It's against the law if it is. Just might be worth saying that... Conniving little wotsit!

And yet, youre still giving gifts. At this time you need support and kindness, but you're looking out for him and sorry to say it,p but please stop giving. Its rewarding bad behaviour. I know its in your nature to give ( and I am the same) but recently I pulled back and feel that if we continue to be kind and giving in the face of unkindness and hostility, they will not respect us.

Im so sorry for the cancer battle you're going through, but you need to be a little selfish and stop giving. There's a saying - "stop rowing the boat and see if it still goes along!" It's painful to take stock, but if they are treating you like you don't matter, step back. You DO matter.

My son treated me in the worst ways, financially using me. It's painful, I know - and the isolation is bad too. But keeping giving and having a one way relationship is also bad for you.

You're right Lavazza1st JGran's situation is coercive control which as you say here in the UK is against the law but I don't know if that specifically applies to America.

That said there must be laws to protect parents from their abusive children.

UK seems to be leading the way in protecting people from abusive people.

Let's hope that sticks because it is very hard to convince others that family can be abusive and while younger people seem to accept that more often, you can come up against some real brick walls.

I had a bad experience when I tried to report harassment to the police and was told "grandparents have rights" by an older policeman. Completely biased and unhelpful, not to mention factually incorrect here. I informed him that actually, children have rights and I have protected my children and their right to be free from harm.

Apparently people can stalk/harass others online to their hearts content... I'm not sure he was correct but if he is, that's an avenue that needs addressing here.

I think a lot depends on the nature of the abuse and for some, it's hard to recognise that an adult is being abused for example by their AC, if they're being given an ultimatum that unless their P gives them what they want, they wont be able to see their GC.

Maybe because they'll think 'well just say no' and refuse to give in to emotional blackmail, but that's a lot easier said than done if you think you'll never see your AC and GC again.

As for stalking and harassing people online to their hearts content, online makes it so much easier for those who want to do so. Cyber bullying is becoming real problem with at times tragic consequences.

Starblaze, sorry, I don't know if you're in the UK or US. I don't know much about US law but here in the UK, grandparents don't have rights. The Children Act is clear, children have right to maintain existing, loving relationships. As you have said in previous posts, if the relationship between parents and grandparents has broken down, its difficult for contact between the grandchildren and grandparents to take place.

Difficult but not impossible. Its a bit like separated parents, in that if the adults are able to set their anger/distress aside and focus on the best interests of the children, positive relationships can continue between children and grandparents.
It goes without saying, that if the grandparents abuse of their now adult child is the root of the conflict, that puts a completely different light on things.

"Difficult but not impossible" quite true Iam. Where there's a will there's a way and it's the children who should be the most important people here not the adults, which is why the Children Act states that it is a child's right to maintain existing, loving relationships.

“Apparently people can stalk/harass others online to their hearts content... I'm not sure he was correct but if he is, that's an avenue that needs addressing here.“ .
Who is being stalked and harassed here?

Iam64

I'm in the UK. That's why I told him he was wrong. I spoke to 2 very lovely people on the phone before I went in, they were so kind and sympathetic. They told me I had a harassment case and to take the evidence in. He was AWFUL. Obviously no training at all on domestic abuse. Didn't even know the related laws. Maybe he had a personal story of his own.

When it came down to it I was able to find ways to protect myself physically where possible and emotionally where not.

So many victims out there are not able to protect themselves and the thought that people like him are out there not particularly caring or fulfilling their job roles is soul destroying when there are so many people in much more dangerous/precarious situations.

If we had grandparents rights here and my children had all been too young to make their own decisions when I estranged (apart from my little late baby who doesn't know them at all) people like that police officer could have put my children in the hands of an abuser.

Because estranged children are not believed far more often than they are. Every single time it comes up to anyone new, will they judge me? Do they believe me? Do they want to believe me? Would they rather look for justification why I might be the bad one because if you push me hard enough, I will defend myself and give them something to use. Mothers are all wonderful in the eyes of general society, to think otherwise is too hard. Maybe one or two bad mums, you know, the ones who actually end their children's lives, that's it. Can't allow for more.

I have people in the surrounding area that spy on me for my mum. I can't even describe to you what that feels like. Not being able to exist without wondering if you are being watched. Getting letters from a woman who should not know the information she knows. Having certain people start conversations knowing that you can't just chat or relax because they're friends with your mum.

It's always my word against hers. Always has been. I have evidence of harassment, not evidence of abuse. How does anyone ever prove they have been torn apart emotionally by the person they loved the most? The person who should love them the most? Especially when that person presents a fake exterior to the world so perfect, they love her.... Because my mum doesn't have "friends" anymore, she has many many aqauntances that she works to impress. She learned a long time that people she let too close, eventually saw the real her and walked away.

Sometimes it's my word against hers to people who never met her.

I can go to a group for just EAC and have a thousand comments repeating a similar story back to me or a much worse story following the same patterns. Every one of them questioning themselves and afraid they might be crazy because someone/anyone just didn't believe them. Because the only people who accept their stories with no judgement seem to be other abuse victims and the other end of the scale, people who had real unconditional love growing up who are genuinely horrified by the contrast.

The other thing the police office said?

“you should find a way to get on with your mum"

Its incredible to me lately how often I have heard a variation of

"you are bad for refusing to talk to people who harm your well being"

The world is a strange place sometimes but I have hope it will get better.

I can now see from your post that your reference to being stalked and harassed applied to your mother and her friends.