SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

PF. This time is stressful enough. Cannot you just not get involved in the reasons and solutions for the estrangement. Your husband is the priority and his needs are what matters, the rest can wait. I would tell her that.,,She certainly picked her moment.
Look after yourself, it's such a hard time for you all.,

Thank you everyone for your advice.

After we got back from the hospital, we had something to eat, then I went straight to bed, as I felt so wiped out. I awoke a couple of hours ago to pick up a long angry message from DD1 about how it was a disgrace that she couldn't even come into the family home for a cup of tea, after driving all that way and no food or drink all day. She feels that we have treated her disgracefully, that she has been ostracised from the family, that I prefer DD2 to her, that everything is due to DD2's ego. She then raked up all of her grievances with DD2 going back to four years ago. She said that she thought DH should have intervened then and sorted things out, but also said that she would be civil to her sisters for DH's sake.She doesn't want any more to do with her sisters, but wants to continue her relationship with me and DH.

I am just so exhausted with it all. I know that I can't fix the relationships between them, that the family is unlikely to be reconciled in the foreseeable future, but the family will not be the same anyway, when DH has gone. I just want him to come home and die in my arms and be at peace. I can't think beyond that, at present.

I just feel that I handled it so badly. I should have foreseen that she would ask to come in for a cup of tea. I should have told DD2 and DD3 that it was likely. I shouldn't have let DD1 give me a lift to the hospital. I have made everything so much worse. But if I had invited her in, there would have been so much upset with DD2 and DD3. I don't seem to have any judgment at present. I really feel that I am losing the plot.

Probably I have preferred DD2 and DD3, but they have been there for me, show their love every day, genuinely care for me. They just didn't want to see her and I had said that she wouldn't come into the house, so they would have been upset. Why did I allow myself to be drawn into a situation which was so foreseeable?

PF, please please please do what is best for DH and yourself at this awful time.
DD1 is an adult and although I am sure she is upset about DH she must understand how her behaviour is making a n emotion and heartbreaking situation worse for you.
I understand you are feeling confused and dare I say guilty about your decision not to have DD1 in your home for a cup of tea.... you made that decision with your whole family's best interest at heart. It seems like it would be impossible to please everyone.
I hope today is a better day for you without family conflict. Everyone is talking about 'being kind' during this virus..... we need to be kind all the time - not just during the pandemic.
Take care PF xx

You didn’t mess up! you are putting so much blame on yourself. All of my children are so small but do you still see yourself as the ‘mother’ and them as the ‘children’ they are your children but they are not children!

She is not behaving well. She is once again acting cruel and manipulative. I hate my MiL. But during the death of my BIL you bet your arse I asked how high I should jump and I did that and a backflip. 9 months pregnant. And then made the 4 hour journey weeks after birth in agony because that’s what you do during grief. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my son it was about my husband mainly. I didn’t even really care about her but you put those you love in pain to the front. You swallow any problems and trust me she caused a lot and stick a smile on and carry on.

Nothing you did needed to be addressed. She could’ve gone home and sucked it up. But she chose now! Right now! To put you through this hell?!

Thanks everyone. Everything's calmer now.

I sent her a reply saying that I respected her feelings and that it was my mistake not to have stuck to the original plan of meeting her at the hospital and I had offered to take her out for a meal to avoid such a situation, that emotions were running high and that I could not cope with any more drama.

I also said that they were all my daughters, that I loved them all, but that my priority is taking care of Dad right now, that I don't have the emotional energy for anything else. I said that I can't fix the relationship with her sisters, only the three of them can do it, and only if they want to; that DH had got everyone together because he didn't want the next time they met to be at his funeral, but ultimately he couldn't fix it either; that the past is the past and we can only move forward, even if moving forward doesn't seem like moving forward; that situations like this can bring families together or they can drive them further apart; that his illness and death will shine a light on what was, what is, and what will be, but that we will all be changed by it.

Today I have received a much more measured reply, saying that of course Dad is the priority, and that she did not mean to go on about the past, she was just effectively 'getting it off her chest'. She wants to bring the DGDs to see him, when he is out of hospital. All the DDs have agreed that DH is the priority and that they will be civil to each other for his sake, but I think that after the funeral, it is unlikely that DD1 will see her sisters again for a very long time.

Mary and Bibbity, you are both right, they are adults now, and my role is no longer that of the 'fixer'.

PF glad it is calmer. Hope DHs home palliative care is sorted soon. Good that your daughters have said they will be polite for their fathers sake.

Take care of yourself and him and let them take care of themselves

Having read your first three posts this morning, it was a huge relief to read your last one PF.

Far from losing the plot, you've handled the whole thing admirably and you certainly haven't made the situation worse. None of this needed to have happened and it's DD1's responsibility that it has. Now is not the time for her to be 'getting things of her chest'.

I'm sure you're right that once the funeral is over she's unlikely to see her sisters for some time, if ever but whatever the future holds in that regard, this is the process she began 4 years ago when she estranged you all. Actions have consequences.

You haven't "preferred" your other D's. They have been there for you and their dad when their sister walked away. The bond that you have with them is the one you used to have with DD1 before the estrangement and would have been what you'd have now, if not for the way she's behaved.

Whatever her sisters decide is up to them and she'll just have too 'suck it up' as Bibbity has said. They're entitled to have nothing to do with her just as you are entitled to continue to work at this reconciliation.

The four of you have your DH to take care of now and all three of your D's have you, their mum, to take care of too.

Take care of yourself so that you can in turn take care of your DH. Sending love and hugs.

Good morning all and my apologies for not posting anything yesterday, my reason being that last week I went and ordered some new carpet which I have been wanting to do for a while, so yesterday DS came in and moved some furniture and then we hoovered, dusted and polished so everything is ready when the carpet fitters come in during the week. It left me a little tired but it will be worth it.

P.F I have been following all your updates and have been thinking of you and most of all hoping that you are looking after your- self as best you can given your circumstances.
It all became very fraught over the last couple of days with DDs perhaps they are all just "frightened" when you think about it they are going to lose their dear dad soon that can be anxious and scary and even though you are the one that is probably going through the worst time of all they are looking to you to carry them all through it.

I see from your post at 8.15am that the DDs have all calmed down and will now be civil to one another for the sake of your DH. So all that remains to happen now is to get D.H.
home palliative care in place and have some moments of peace at your sad time.

I would even stop thinking what will happen after the funeral about the reconciliation just quietly take the days one by one, when that time arises even if DD2 and DD3 do not want to have a relationship with D.D.1 then you yourself can continue to see DD1 and GC on your own.

Such a good post from Smileless2012 at 9.25 am I agree with all of it.

My perspective view that your DDs could be anxious and frightened is something that comes from my own experience.
I lost my dear mother some years ago now it was in the July, and I knew it would hit dear dad very hard and I was right.
I took care of dad but his health deteriorated and after 6 months lost him as well. He had been in hospital for 5 weeks and the doctor knew me and I told the doctor I cannot lose my dad as well, he said he would do his best but if things were really bad I could take dad home near the end.
Without making this too long when D.D. died it was like all the lights went off all over the world so from a D perspective
I would say P.F. your DDs are just trying to get to grips with everything.
All take care.

That sounds great 3nanny, which room is the new carpet for? I'm glad you had your son round to help get ready for the fitters, these jobs always turn out to be bigger than we think don't they.

I'm sure you're right about PF's DD's, it must be a frightening and anxious time for them which is all the more reason for anything DD1 has to say about how things are with her sisters to be kept on the back boiler for the time being at the very least.

Let us know when the carpet's been fitted.

Hi Smileless2012 The carpet is for staircase and upstairs landing and one of the bedrooms. Thankfully not my bedroom or we would take a week to move my stuff about.
These sort of jobs always take a bit of work but now we have got it sorted so just to wait for the fitters. The staircase should all be straight forward enough and I will just sit in the living room with the dogs and let them get on with it.

You are right it is not the time for a drama to play out with DD1. and not good to take the moral high-ground when her actions have caused such upset. Sadly all actions have repercussions and consequences and this is not the best time to air her grievances. (just to clarify I mean P.F. daughter)

I'm glad things were calmer today PF. I can only echo what smiles and other have said, you are handing everything admirably, I don't see what else you can do in these circumstances. I hope one day your DDs sort themselves out, but that's up to them. Look after yourself and DH for now. x
Hi, 3nanny. We had the HSL and a bedroom recarpeted a few months back and you're right it makes a lot of work. Everything to move out, clean up, and then put back. But it's nice when it's all done and dusted. Hope you enjoy yours.

Hi new here looking for the estrangement forum.

You've found it Izzy13.

Welcome Izzy, you will find a lot of support here.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I had a long call with DD1 yesterday after I got back from the hospital and she apologised for her long text the other evening. I said that it was better to let things out and clear the air, but that we all needed to put the past behind us now and move forward, that Dad was the priority. She agreed and was concerned for me and how I was coping.

I also thanked her for giving me a lift the other day and she said it was no trouble. She wants to visit DH with the DGDs, as soon as he is out of hospital, which we are expecting to be in the next few days. She said that there would be no difficulty on her part and I said that there would be none here. We said that we loved each other.

DH's illness and expressing our feelings has caused something to shift. All that is past is unimportant now. My estrangement from DD1 ended yesterday. As for her sisters, who knows, but DD2 said that she didn't have any issues - I am not sure that it's true, but it was good that she said it. What I have learnt is that I need to leave it to them to sort out or not, rather than trying to fix things. By pushing someone, you make them resistant and also assume the responsibility, so effectively giving yourself the burden of trying to make something work when, in fact, your intervention is more likely to escalate the problem.

The next few weeks are going to be very challenging, but at least I feel that we are all moving forward as a family now, even if we might be following different routes. That is a huge relief.

And for all of you on these threads, dealing with the uniquely painful situation of estrangement, please do not give up hope. Situations change, people change, nothing stays the same. Love conquers all things.

Thanks for the update PF. I agree with the post from Smiles yesterday morning, you are managing these difficult times so well.
Let go of feeling responsible for helping your daughters resolve their conflicts. I hope the improvement in communication with DD1 continues but don't forget what has happened and be sure to protect and take care of yourself.

Lovely to read that you feel you’re in a better place with your DD1 Petitfromage after the difficulties of the last few days.

Hope that you continue on an even keel, with your DHs welfare paramount within the family ?

That's wonderful news PF and for me shows that the honest conversation you had with DD1 was the right thing to do.

Your love for her and your strength shone through. My estrangement from DD1 ended yesterday what a lovely thing to be able to say.

Thanks everyone for your support - following my last post my DH spent half a day composing a heartfelt letter to my stepdaughter to try and reach out to her - he showed it to me and he cried a lot. It made no criticisms of her and was well written - he declined to
Mention our forthcoming move in it - not sure what I think about that but he said he wants to try reaching out again and not make it about moving. Let’s hope he gets some positive response.

Keeping everything crossed that your DH gets a positive response to his heartfelt letter NanaPlenty.

P.F. It was good to read what you wrote :
"My estrangement from DD1 ended yesterday"
To be able to say that gives others hope for themselves.
Hope DH move from hospital comes soon and everyone can have some moments in the comfort of home.

Smileless2012 thank you - and this afternoon he got a phone call! First time I. Well over a year, it was civil although she said she still feels the same as she did last time they spoke. Still it’s something and I said he needs to accept that she is the way she is and that their relationship will never be the one he wants but some relationship and seeing the grandchildren albeit infrequently is better than nothing. Fingers crossed ?

Nanaplenty ? fingers crossed indeed!