SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

A 'phone call, that's great NanaPlenty.

Oh, it's nice to see some bits of good news on here. I know there's still an awful lot of pain, but it's good there have been some good things.
Thinking of you all. x

How's everyone doing?

So glad we had a long walk with the dogs yesterday afternoon as it's raining hard here today so it's good they had a long run off their leads.

Mr. S. has just come in and the dogs are so excited to see him, they welcomed me too and I've been here all morning!!!

PFI am hopeful that your DD’s will be okay and come together for you and your DH. Just concentrate on you and your DH.
NanaPlenty I’ve crossed everything that can be crossed for you.

Thanks Rhinestone. DH is very weak. DD1 and SIL and DGDs are coming tomorrow. I have said that they will be very welcome and I will cook them a special meal and get some Halloween bits for the children. Effectively, DD1 is coming to say good bye and bringing the DGDs for DH's benefit and, to be cynical, probably also for her own, so she can be the loving and dutiful daughter.

Smileless, I am so glad you enjoyed your walk. Pets are wonderful aren't they? They understand when something is up. The first night DH was home, I accidentally left the door to his room ajar and when I wen to check on him, the cat was sleeping at his feet and one of the dogs was on the sofa next to him.

Isn't it wonderful PF that your DH had your D and your GD's in his life before it was too late.

Our pets are so special aren't they. Because we had two of my cousins staying for mum's funeral I slept in one of our downstairs bedrooms and the night before the funeral, we hadn't secured the gate to our little poodles crate properly and in the early hours of the morning, he came into bed with me.

Difficult days ahead for you all. Sending love and hugs xx

PF That is the best it can be at this time of your husbands life.

So glad your DD1 has been to see DH, I'm sure he will rest happy now ❤

I'm wanting to ask you all for advice.... I know the subject of wills can be emotive so I hope this post doesn't upset anyone.
We are looking to rewrite our wills and adjust the beneficiaries to reflect DD estrangement and the support shown to us by DSs. DD is in a great position financially and wouldn't need an inheritance from us (running a successful business, childrrn at private school etc).
Our soliciter has advised we write a letter of wishes which would describe our reasons for excluding DD and assist executors in carrying out our wishes if she disputed the will.
We have been advised to describe DD financial position in comparison to other family members included in our will but we are what more concerned about reflecting the emotional support and love shown to us by DSs. They have continued to visit, have us at their homes for meals, days out, allowed us to look after grand children etc during what would have otherwise been an intolersble time for us. AIBU to ask for any funds we have left after ourcdeath to be distributed as we wish?

Mary - it is entirely up to you how you rewrite your wills, assuming that you are UK based (France, for example, has forced heirship rules, so wills need to be written in a specific way, so that English law applies).

You have been sensible in taking legal advice and I trust that this advice is in writing, in which case I should do as your solicitor has said, in order to ensure that your wishes are implemented.

However, the real reason for changing your wills is, it seems to me, as a result of the huge hurt and pain which your daughter has caused you by the estrangement. I don't think that you want to cut her out of your wills because she is relatively well off (and financial situations can change rapidly, especially with Covid), but because you either want to punish her/hurt her back at some level, or because you feel that she has not acted as a loving daughter, so should not be treated as one.

I think that this is an entirely valid viewpoint. During my estrangement from DD1, I considered this very point and whether or not she should be excluded, although my DH was against it and I could not bring myself to do it. The exclusion of a child from a will sends them a message from beyond the grave that they have been rejected and are unloved, however deserved such treatment may be. There is no prospect of reconciliation, it is a final statement, and will be deeply damaging to the child who is excluded.

In the end, what my DH and I decided, just before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, is that we would include DGC in the will. We have three DDs, so the will provides that the estate will be divided three ways, with each DD sharing her legacy with her own children. It made sense to us, in any event, that the next generation is also being helped at a time when they most need it. It reduces the legacy to DD1, who has two DC, whereas the other DDs have no DC yet, but is not something which she should have any reason to be upset about.

Thank you for your thoughts PF, especially at this time when you are dealing with so much yourself.
You are right in thinking that we don't want to exclude DD because of her financial position, rather because she hasn't acted as a loving daughter.
The new proposed will makes provision for her children (our VErY dearly loved DGS and DGD) out of the share which she would have inherited.
I have found it hard to bring myself to rewrite our wills but cannot rest until it's done.
Hopefully I may be in a position to rethink at some point in the future but for now the new will reflects our wishes.

I truly admire the way you are coping and wish you and your family the best possible in days ahead x

It's a difficult decision to make Mary, one that we made 4 years ago, 4 years into our estrangement.

For us, it would inappropriate for our ES to be a beneficiary. Inheritance is a gift, not a right and TBH, I don't see why anyone would wish to be receive a gift following the death of someone, who they refused to have any contact with while they were living.

We considered leaving our ES's share to his children, our only GC but as we don't and have never known them, that too seemed inappropriate so as things stand our DS is the sole beneficiary.

I don't agree that disinheriting sends a message of ultimate rejection and of being unloved. If an EAC wishes to believe the parents they estranged didn't love and rejected them, they'll do so regardless of whether or not they receive an inheritance.

Of course there is no possibility of reconciliation when someone dies; something that perhaps some EAC should be mindful of when they decide to estrange.

Thank you Smileless, it is always good to hear others thoughts.
We are fortunate that between my husband and I we have 7 children (and a great relationship with all of them appart from DD) we decided to give part of what would be her share directly to her children ( now age 10 and 6) who we had a very strong bond with before estrangement happened. We want to give them a strong message that we didn't want to stop seeing them and that we never stopped loving them.
It's awful having to do this and something only understood by those who have experienced the sutuation themselves.
Thank you again for your thoughts x

We'd have done the same if we'd known our GC but it would be like leaving it to strangers. We had a memory box made with their names engraved on it and that will be their inheritance.

I hope this weekend goes well PFx

Oh thats a lovely idea Smileless, I may borrow that idea from you . We have very strong winds at the moment but managed a quick walk around our local park this morning. Hope everyone has a good weekend x

Hi All, and hope everyone is well as can be expected.
I have had a busy few days getting the house all tidied, and am more than happy with the new carpets that have now been fitted and look fresh and lovely.
Once the fitters left the dogs were allowed freedom of the house again. The 10 year old dog took herself upstairs and had a good sniff about and inspected the place, and a bit later went up to the landing and was having a roll about on the new carpet probably her way of saying she approved of it. The other dog is not interested and has not even had a sniff around on the stairs although she rarely goes upstairs anyway so she likes her special chair with the covers on and that suits her fine.
I think I organized my carpet just in time with the likelihood of a lockdown coming some time next week.
On that note I I must get out to the shops it will be chaotic I suppose and people buying in extra provisions.
P.F : I hope your DH is doing well and have a good weekend
with your family and the GC.

I'm glad you're pleased with the new carpet 3nanny and as you say you may have got it just in time before a lock down. There's a press conference this afternoon at 4.00pm with BJ et al so looks as if an announcement will be made then.

Just seen that Sean Connery has died. We're none of us getting any younger and he was 90 but still sad news.

Smileless2012 ; I have been watching the Boris press conference so by Thursday we will be back in lockdown. I think I have a fog brain with it all, TBH as it seems to me I have been wearing face coverings for months constant hand washing social distancing and now it looks like I just have to keep on with that.

I also saw the news about Sean Connery and found it almost unbelievable that he was 90, I don't know why but I thought he was in his seventies.
I remember doing our english project at school on the Goldfinger book of 007. When I was about 18 I had a big crush on Sean Connery and thought he was gorgeous and so sexy. (naughty of me) I have always liked him and the only other Bond actor I usually remember is Piers Brosnan
Sean Connery was the Bond legend for me so R.I.P. to him.

I too feel sad about Sean Connery. THE James Bond and he was great in the Indiana Jones films!

New Lockdown ...Bleugh!! Wondering when all this is going to end!!

PF I hope all went well yesterday with your special Halloween dinner for D&GC. Also hope your DH is ok and enjoyed his time with his D&GC too.

Sean Connery; so sad he's gone, he was lovely, really like Piers Brosnan too.

As for wills; I feel the same as Smileless. My estD destroyed her birth family that loved and adored her, destroyed the special bond I had with my precious GD & my GS, drove me to near suicide & the terrible trumour my other DD went through I will never forget! So no she is not in my will and I explained why not, my GC are in though. She did all this destruction to please her jealous H, who is not my GD father, he even took away my GD name, how cruel is that!!

Thank you everyone for your good wishes. Yesterday went as well as it could have done in the circumstances, although DH was quite poorly and we had to call the nurse out twice. However, although DD2 and DD3 were going to lie low for the day, they all ended up by his bedside together, looking after him, which made him happy.

I also had some time with the DGDs. DD1 was very loving and had made a special vegan pumpkin cake for her sisters and they admired their nieces. So that was positive, although there was a lot of tension in the lead up with DD2, whereas DD3 has got to a position of indifference. I suspect that when DH goes they will have little to do with each other.

Sorry to hear about your situation Yogagirl. It sounds awful. Some people are just horrible, aren't they? I think a lot of it comes down to wanting power and control.

It sounds as if it went well PF which must have been a huge relief for you all. It's probably not a bad thing that DD3 is indifferent with regard to her sister as that in itself well help to ease any tension.

How lovely that your DH had all 3 of his D's by his bedside yesterday and being cared for by them.

"Some people are just horrible, aren't they?" Oh yes.

I do wonder if any EAC from non abusive families would actually believe that they should be left in their parents' will Yogagirl. I suppose some will but that just makes no sense to me at all.

PFSo happy it went well yesterday.
We decided to cut out my stepson as it’s been almost six years. We left his portion to his two little boys. One of the boys we cared for until he was four years old and
the other was one when we were estranged.
We have not taken my son out yet but will probably after this virus goes away. I figure we can always add them back in if there is a reconciliation. (Maybe we can pro rate their inheritance. )
On a serious note please pray for us in the states on Tuesday. We have a big election and I fear the aftermath with people running around with war weapons. Scares me so.

PF hope you are having a good day and DH is comfortable. Its good to hear your family are able to be together for him and you at this time.

I agree with you Yogagirl , I don't thing EAC appreciate how much suffering they cause not onlybto parents but siblings as well.

How many familoes must be suffering in this way... i think the lockdown makes estrangement feel even worse than normal as oir normal activities are reduced.

Stay safe everyone and enjoy the rest of Sunday

P.F It sounds like things went as well as could be expected with the family, and for DH to have his three daughters at his bedside at this sad time must have been such a blessing for him to see. It sounds as though DD1 is genuinely making an effort for her sisters and you never know perhaps when DH has gone they may actually get on perhaps only for the sake of the nieces they now have.

I haven given thought to what can be left to family when I am gone I have already spent so much money on the 2GD over the last 8 years, plus furnishings, prams, buggies you name it I have bought it. T.B.H my finances certainly took a dip when the GC came along. With the fact that over the years I have also been treated badly by my D after giving so much help I now seriously am considering just leaving money for the GC how much I am not sure yet, as who knows how long I may live and what expenses will incur for me.

The thought of wills and money does leave a bitter taste for me mainly because of past family experience. From that bitterness where money is going to be left I have seen extended family act in horrible ways and never thought I would see that happen. Not wanting to make this long I have six other cousins (all in contact with me) Then we have one other cousin that we all estranged from as she and her family coerced a dear aunt who had lost her husband to make a new will. As you can guess this cousin and her family waltzed off with nearly everything when my aunt died. It would have cost a lot to try and take her to court and then there was no guarantee we would have won.
Myself and my other cousins do not really care about it now we just say lets hope she enjoys her money because she lost all the family she had. She tried to contact a few of us a couple of years ago but none of us want to know her I wonder if her money is better than having some of her family. There's other stuff about a different uncle but it would take me all day and I do not want to bore you all.

Rhinestone thinking of you for Tuesday and hope nothing too violent occurs.