Son and DIL won't see me any more

Your DD has been to uni and got a doctorate! Yet she cries when you tried to talk to her. What nonsense on her part. She's a grown woman.

How did you know that your son and his family didn't want you hanging around? They might have wanted some help.

Filling in forms is not difficult - how many do you have to complete? Perhaps a tax return . Most of us go through life not having to fill in forms all the time.

I think you should see a therapist before you try to resolve things with your DS because you might just say/think the wrong things.

Bibbity I am not saying her actions are "innocent".

I am saying the actions and her thinking now are the result of coercive control. Do you know the level of impact that coercive control can have on someone? They really really can't see that they are not thinking for themselves. The coercive controller being present or not makes no difference to their thinking and what they might say ...they are driven to follow through with the thinking imposed on them by the coercive controller.

Their behaviour may well be "enabling" but that is the coercive controller driving that!

I DO agree that the son and DIL appear to have behaved with some integrity. I am not surprised that they do not want to maintain contact in these circumstances but just telling the OP it is "her fault", "she is an abuser", and "enabler", "went along with it for an easy life" without acknowledging the level of what has clearly happened to her is not helpful to her or anyone else.

Asdf PLEASE please consider the coercive control aspect of this and please get some independent financial advice

I agree her daughter and husband are controlling and abusive. But the OP is abusive as well. The actions of others do not make her innocent. And the fact she is failing to see through the actual issues show that right now her son should not be subjected to more abuse.

She’s explained the situation very clearly so she has enough insight for that - at some point she’s accepted the situation because she thinks it works for her. It feels deliberately naive and yes, I struggle to find sympathy.

I noticed that, in your second post, you wrote that your husband and daughter gave your son some money, after your daughter had received yet more money to purchase her second home.

Was it really theirs to give? You told us that you were left that money by your late parents and, yet, you do not seem to have been involved in how it was spent.

I think that if one understood the level of what coercive control does to someone it would be more possible to find sympathy at the mess she finds herself in. It is not about "innocence"!

I am conscious that this discussion about the OPs life and situation is not helpful to her and is becoming too potentially personal to her, so will stop commenting now.

But I do suggest that looking at the potential IMPACT of coercive control on people's behaviours might be informative.

I agree with posters who say OP should leave her son alone. I am not buying into all she was coerced, poster stated her in laws were trouble makers and she did not see them so she is capable of making her own decisions.
She stood back and did nothing when the husband and daughter were bad mouthing the son and dil.
Your posts are about you and how you feel, and your defence of your spiteful manipulative daughter are sickening.
Let your son be, you have probably done considerable damage to him by now. I know I felt badly and still do about my parents and sister.
It's not about you now and how you feel, it is what is best for your son.

I see one child, the daughter, being the 'golden child' and your son being the scapegoat. Sorry but that is really not acceptable. You have gone along with it for a quiet life, the fact that your daughter is academically gifted should not give her the right to run your life;again it's the path of the least resistance for you. BTW I understand about coercive control, but you have come here for advice and have insight for that. why no insight into the poor treatment of your son?

@Grannyben it was some money DH got from the sale of his late mother's house so not my decision what he does with it.

I miss my DS if he doesn't want to talk to me right now I should just leave it. He knows he can come back any time because I haven't told him to go. I just find it hard I shouldn't have to choose sides.

If he phones me or knocks on the door I'd talk to him like there had been no estrangement and carry on like normal.

I don’t think the author will stand back and look at her daughters behaviour as she is far too enmeshed and unable to see anything but wonder, for this abusive child and user, born of an abusive husband
The amount of money being thrown around sounds massive 80 grand here and there houses left right and centre certainly not brought any happiness to anyone has it?

Your son and daughter in law sound sensible and have removed themselves from it all and I hope they have a very happy life without you in it You’ve pinned your flag to the flag post of your choice I feel for you, when you can’t be helpful to your abusive daughter you ll be dropped like a hot cake

A counsellor should NEVER be your friend ...outrageous

Don’t you feel any kind of remorse or regret for the way you have treated your son?

Poor little boy. Poor lad. Poor man.

I’m glad he has made a family of his own to love him as he deserves.

You have already chosen a side.

FFS You do not get it do you? Your son has been treated disgracefully by the three of you, you cannot carry on as normal, too much damage has been done.
This has to be my last post as it is making me angry and anxious at the memories it is bringing back for me.
You say you should not have to choose sides, you already have by keeping quiet because it

suited you and defending that manipulative daughter of yours.

You have acknowledged that your husband and daughter have consistently been unpleasant to your son and his partner and have said horrible things about them.

I should think the last straw was when your son explained how he and his partner felt about their treatment and you denied it. Furthermore, your husband and daughter seemed to be overly concerned about property and money in what I consider to be a very unhealthy way.

I really don't know where you go from here as I can understand how hurt your son is and why he has cut off contact. In my view, you should have acknowledged past hurts and expressed regret for allowing your husband and daughter to behave in such an unfair and unkind way without challenging them.

I wouldn't be too convinced about your daughter crying, saying she no longer has a brother. If she were that bothered, she wouldn't have ganged up against him with your husband.

Asdf. You asked for advice and you have had many responses. It’s up to you now, you can break this cycle and make a better relationship with your son and family,if they are agreeable, or else carry on as before. It’s all in your hands. I wish you well.

I find the behaviour of this OP defies belief. I really believe that when she started this thread she thought we would sympathise with her and agree how badly her DS and DiL were behaving towards her.

Her capacity for kidding herself that she is the poor maligned one and then saying the most outrageous things about her son and wife astonishes me.

At one point she says I don't think Dil is evil she's a good little mum and she's always looked after my son who has a medical condition. They have been together for many years and she is a very strong woman.

In other words your DiL is not prepared to collude with the OP and knuckle down under the DD's rule, who I would suggest is also 'a very strong woman'.

Your DS has acted with a wisdom that is amazing considering the home he grew up in. He has met and married a woman, who despite her own dysfunctional bckground could also rise above it and recognised your DS's stirling qualities and together they have stayed the course, weathered the storms that face two people with their background. They are happy together and they are bringing up their children together.

It is a sign of their maturity that they have decided to turn their back on you and your dominating bully of a daughter. Your daughter has it in for them because she is jealous of them, that your DS instead of playing the part of under dog to your daughter's top dog, has made his own life on his own terms and is part of a long-lasting and happy marriage, something she has singularily failed to achieve.

Later on you say If he phones me or knocks on the door I'd talk to him like there had been no estrangement and carry on like normal. You have got this entiely the wrong way. When you have gained independence from your daughter, put your financial affairs in the hands of an advisor independent of your daughter and sought councilling from a councillor you have found independently or through your GP, you can then contact your son, apologise for the lifetime of abuse he has received from you, as much as his father and sister, and apologise to him and ask him to forgive you and resume contact.

AmberSpyglass

Your husband and daughter were/are hideous and you went along for an easy life, which makes you just as bad. Your DS is, frankly, better off without you.

You know your DD won’t be there to care for you in your old age, don’t you? None of that money is being ringfenced for your care. I hope you don’t expect your DS to step up.

AmberSpyglass I've read every post on this thread and so many have been objective, helpful and written with care and consideration for OP and her son. But your post was so cruel, mean and spiteful and was written with the sole intention to wound. Shame on you.

It’s not cruel. The OP, has her whole life, buried her head in the sand.
Her own son wasn’t enough for her to take a stand. But above all the most important thing has been her comfort.

And she’s plodding along thinking it will always be rosy. Because she ain’t looking at the whole picture. The odds are her daughter will chose the money over her.

Chewbacca You are ignoring the fact that despite all theposts that have been objective, helpful and written with care and consideration for OP and her son This lady still persists in seeing her son as the problem, and continues to be wax in the hand of her DD.

Throughout her life she has been happy to throw her son to the lions, whenever her husband or daughter demanded it, she has never protected him or defended him and now he has decided enough is enough, she blames his wife!!

I'm ignoring nothing M0nica. I'm in complete and total agreement with the majority of replies on here, including your own post that the OP has been blind to the injustices she's meted out to her son and, as a result, has been largely responsible for the position she finds herself in now. What I take issue with is for one poster to refer to the OPs husband and daughter as hideous and that the OP was as bad. That's not a constructive comment, it offers no insight or advice; it's just a knee jerk insult.

Asdf

@Grannyben it was some money DH got from the sale of his late mother's house so not my decision what he does with it.

I miss my DS if he doesn't want to talk to me right now I should just leave it. He knows he can come back any time because I haven't told him to go. I just find it hard I shouldn't have to choose sides.

If he phones me or knocks on the door I'd talk to him like there had been no estrangement and carry on like normal.

Oh, OP - please reread that last sentence. Practically all of the advice you’ve had on this thread has pointed out to you that your “normal” has been hurtful at best, and many would class abusive towards him. I very much doubt that without a change in behaviour and an acknowledgement of how badly he has been treated that there is a possibility of reconciliation.

Please don’t think I’m trying to be hurtful, as I said earlier in this thread you have been financially coerced. But if you genuinely want a relationship with your son and his family I very much doubt you’ll ever be able to go “back to normal”, what was normal in your family wasn’t healthy or acceptable behaviour.

Asdf, what do you think is the problem here?

OP, I do think you have been manipulated and treated with absolute contempt to the point that you can no longer separate reality from fantasy, and you need outside independent help for this. A complete stranger who no one in your family knows, and you should see that ‘ help’ alone.
There is bad spirit moving through your family. Probably from way back, but we know your husband was abused. He went on to cut your brother out, and together with your daughter, turn against your son and DIL, who it seems have done nothing wrong. Your daughter is now the manipulator, and will most likely transfer it to her child/children.
It’s all about money, and your daughter is just biding her time I’m afraid. Your husband was a good ‘ teacher’ by the sounds of it.
Please get neutral help with this before you lose everything. It sounds like your son is happy and settled with a lovely wife and family. Why on earth would he risk all that to see people who, in his eyes, have spent so much time and energy stopping him getting things.?
I also don’t understand how he is in this position, if he was an executor of his dad’s Will. There are legal obligations here, so he should have been involved.
It almost sounds like you’ve been spectating all these years. Now it’s time for you to take part, to ensure this doesn’t carry on after you’ve died.
Put it right with your son now.

Wise advice Disco

What a very sad story. You have been manipulated all your married life by your late husband and daughter. I have some sympathy with you inasmuch that your confidence and self esteem have obviously been eroded over the years.

But you are now free of your husband, albeit not your daughter. Now is the time for you to set your own agenda and take back control. Also how fortunate that your dear, abused son has met and married a strong, lovely woman and has his own family.

It is perfectly understandable why he has decided to step away from his birth family. You need to reflect on all this, completely independently from your controlling daughter. And get help from an independent counsellor, not someone who is friendly with your daughter.

When you've worked through where you've gone wrong, then that is the time to get in touch with your dear son. He may be generous to reinstate contact with you. I believe however the relationship with his sister is beyond repair, for obvious reasons.