SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

I did make me smile Whiff. Thank you for sharing such lovely memories.

Lovely post Whiff.

Glad you had some fun smiles.
I hear you Derbyshirelass. I do see quite a few younger people who seem to have an opinion on everything and a feeling that they have a right to insist everyone shares it. And as for social media nonsense - I really feel like it takes over from real life for a lot of people now.
Oh, that's lovely Whiff. It did indeed make me smile.

Smileless, We are of the same opinion of adult children who simply cast you adrift from their lives with no explanation, no way to find a way through the difficulties they are experiencing with parents, just write them off as if they are not worth the effort, no thought for the damage it causes, because everyone suffers. It’s cruel and cowardly, says more about them than us. It’s a pity we punish ourselves for a long time as we are stunned, goodness knows what they tell the grandchildren to justify their reasons. Glad you and Mr S danced the night away.
Whiff your memories of dancing made me smile, I did the same until I fell in love with jiving in 3” stilettos, it pushed ballroom back, no wonder my backs bad. I now love it but no one to do it with and to be fair my husband if he were alive he wouldn’t be ballroom dancing.

Glad you liked the memory . As usual very good posts from Smiles, hugshelp, Allsorts and DerbyshireLass.

One of the things my son accused me of was using my grandson's as show and tell items. I have talked about all my grandson's on various threads but never plastered photos of them on line.

My daughter in law plasters everything thing they do on line. I have never been on Facebook and don't want to be. It's how my brother and daughter found out about some of the lies they told. Don't tell lies then plaster photos of what you where actually doing on Facebook.

So as not to hurt me my daughter and brother didn't tell me a lot of things they did until my son decided last year he didn't need a mother .

I don't tell lies because that's not me also I forget things. If I am unwell can forget what I am saying half way through a sentence. As my neurologist says my brain and body are out of sync.

One of my husband's and children's favourite games was let's see if mom can tell a lie. They had a great laugh at my expense. ?

Think our children think they are bullet proof. Can't wait until my son's boys grown up and give them grief.

But to be honest I miss my son and grandson's . But glad I don't have to put up with all the lies and my daughter in law's rudeness.

I have found peace. And that's thanks to all of you. Knowing I am not alone helps so much. Only someone going through the same thing can help as they know how you feel. And sharing their stories it isn't so lonely anymore.

❤️ to you all.

One of the things my son accused me of was using my grandson's as show and tell items

That is such a strange take on normal grandparent pride and joy in their grandchildren Whiff. How sad

So your son accused you of using your GC "show and tell* Whiff, our ES accused me of regarding our GC as "show ground attraction", which was a complete farce as we'd hardly seen him.

Smileless another very strange take!!

The things they dream up to beat us with. Beggars belief.

Smileless.......over the years I have been kept at arms length too. Around once a month and always on DILs timetable. Except when covid was at its height and the nursery was closed......different story then of course when all of a sudden they needed help with childcare. .

During this last episode I have been accused of "not doing enough". Never mind that since nurseries reopened once again I have been held at arms length,, only seeing them once a month, every offer of help rejected. (Rudely).

Any clothes I brought for the grandchildren were obviously not considered good enough because they were never worn so after the third time that happened I stopped buying clothes.

The eldest never even got to see some of the toys I bought him. Again presumably not good enough, so again I tend not to buy many toys.

I did keep a small selection of toys at my home, some new and a few were preloved - lovely toys, all as good as new and of course I washed and sterilised them.

Basically Just a few extra bits so they would have something different to play with on their visits. The children loved them and would make a beeline for the toy box, I was accused of being a cheap grandmother because some of the toys weren't all brand new. I have now donated them.

DIL constantly plasters pictures on social media. She has even taken to photoshopping her face to make herself look prettier.

It's all style over substance.

Whiff.....you're right. They do think they are bullet proof but DIL especially is going to be in for such a rude awakening one of these days. She thinks she is invincible, better than anyone else, she is a raging snob who looks down on every one else, especially if she thinks they have less money than her. She is obsessed with money. She confuses expensive clothes and gifts with love.

They are both very high earners but their finances are a disaster. Her spending is terrifying. She sneers at me for being canny with money........but then I wasn't the one who had her bank card declined when we went out for lunch recently.

It's none of my business of course but I do have concerns about her reckless spending, All it will take is for one of them to lose their jobs or get sick and the whole house of cards will collapse.

And even if all goes well and they don't end up with financial Armageddon I doubt that she will ever be truly satisfied and happy, because no matter how much she has, it's never enough.

My ex sister in law was money mad. If she had million pounds she wouldn't have been happy.

Must say both couples are good with money. I passed on my not being brought up with it. Like I said they both budgeted for their weddings and stuck to it. None of them are frightened of hard work .

Before I moved I didn't have any toys in my old house. But once here I brought toys for my grandson's to play with. But they are good quality but had a lot on offer. Had a lovely 60 wooden train set from Argos made by Chad valley for £12. I have 3 large plastic boxes with toys. I am lucky to have my daughter's boys to play with them. My grandson's with my son loved them as well.

I have always asked both sets of parents for ideas for birthday and Christmas toys . It's funny thinking about it the list my daughter in law gave the toys where always more expensive than my daughter's. So as I always spent the same on each family my son's boys didn't have as many toys because of the cost and had less clothes money. But it totalled the same for each family. I have set money for birthday and Christmas and stick to it.

I never babysat for my son's boys nor was I ever left alone with them. No idea what they thought I would do.

Yet my daughter and son in law trust me completely with my grandson's.

I suppose I should have realised something was off then . But I was just happy being with them.

But thinking about my life now I am happier and what if's don't enter into it. My daughter and family popped round as I needed my green bin putting out. I had filled it but couldn't move it. Also it had been year since I had my new mattress and need it turning as I only sleep on one side. So had a play with my grandson's. So I am lucky .

Also proves I am not all the things my son or daughter in law say I am.

We know our own worth and we are stronger for having this thread as we have eachother's support and understanding and that is priceless.

Priceless indeed Whiff.

Yes hindsight is a wonderful thing. I look back and think I should have realised sooner, I should have stood up for myself and not let things can out of hand.

But.....what's done, is done. The past is done. I need to move forward now, very difficult but I will find a way. It hurts like Billy O but then I remind myself I have survived worse than this.

I am strong and resilient.

Today I still feel pretty grim but I did at least get more sleep last night, so a small step forward.

I have a friend calling in for coffee this morning. I have known her for 55 years. She's always there for me. I am still fortunate - I have my other son and friends who love and comfort me. That will suffice.

Still no idea yet whether it's an official estrangement or just an extended period of silent treatment. Either way as far as DIL is concerned I'm done. It remains to be seen what will happen with my son. But I'm not going to put my life on hold any longer. Time to get busy living,

Hello everyone. I'm sorry to say I haven't read the whole of this thread, I have tried but it's incredibly sad at points. I was hoping I could just join in and try to get to know you all in future.

I have been estranged for, well I'm not sure, I lost count at 6 years. My mother was incredibly abusive growing up and while some of her ways could be down to generational differences in child raising, others most certainly were not. She was dismissive, neglectful, deliberately cruel and employed many of the techniques that we know categorise abusive people if we look it up. She was constantly invalidating of my feelings, always trying to twist what I said or convince me she didn't say things, always wanted to one up me, was incredibly jealous and I have never had or experienced a normal mother to child relationship.

Anyway I look forward to getting to know you all better and I have been exploring the other topics here and wanted to say hello

Welcome VioletSky. There can be a lot to catch up on. I'm sure you'll soon get to know people.

I'm sorry about your situation with your mother and I do hope you find the support here helpful. It has been a true lifeline for me and I know I'm not alone in that.

Quick wave to everyone else. xx

hugshelp thank you, you never quite get over estrangement and it's good to know there is support available.

It's been said so many times dear friends, but it's always worth saying again 'you just couldn't make it up could you'!!!

No, you're definitely not alone there hugshelp, this support thread has been a life line for many, past and present as long as we continue to come here to chat, to laugh and sometimes to shed a tear or two, it will continue to be I'm sure.

Waving back at ya

You're right Violetsky "you never quite get over estrangement". Even when we can see our lives are healthier, happier and more peaceful, living with estrangement is always I think a work in progress.

Having our feelings dismissed and invalidated is so hurtful and having what we say twisted to suit another's agenda is as well as hurtful, so frustrating.

I hope you've found some peace and happiness since your estrangement from your mother. So sad when the relationships we always thought would last a life time, are destroyed by the very person we love.

Yes Smileless2012 I'm definitely happier and healthier, it's a strange sort of loss. I suppose some of it comes from my mother's inability to really see and hear me and wishing I had a good mother's love and support.

Things could have turned out far worse and I could still be a doormat taking too much rubbish from a horrible woman who can't see beyond herself.

It is a work in progress and good to have a place to talk it all through.

Hello Violet Sky.

So sorry to hear your sad story. You have come to a good place here though. A safe space to vent and talk things through.

Work in progress........ I guess that is what it will be for me too.

I am still very raw, my DIL finally played her hand just two weeks ago. So I am still adjusting to my new reality, still don't know what's going to happen long term, whether its "just" the silent treatment or whether it is officially now estrangement. Only time will tell.

I have been doing a lot of emotional work, reading various websites, podcasts etc. I now feel pretty resigned to the prospect of losing my son and grandsons. The more I learn about estrangement and narcissists the more I realise it's going to be inevitable. It's going to happen, there's nothing I can do to stop it so I'm going to stop banging my head against a brick wall. I can't rescue my son, he's 37 - not a boy any more. He's got himself into this predicament and only he can get himself out of it.

I am lucky to still have one son in my life and my close friends have been wonderful. Sadly they too have suffered estrangement from their AC so we are all in the same boat.

As they say....."Friends, better than therapy".

Still feeling somewhat delicate so,just nursing myself along. This has really knocked the stuffing of me. I need to heal my heart and my poor aching body.

I am at least managing to eat now, so from now on its good healthy food, some gentle exercise. Have started taking some vitamins to build myself up again. I've had chills, aches and pains, stomach upsets for two weeks now so I think my immune system has taken a hit, so it's TLC for me from now on.

I can't stop Madam from taking my son and grandchildren but I'll be damned if I let her take my health and well being as well.

I hadn't realised that your son is the same age as our ES DerbyshireLass. I'm sorry that your close friends have also suffered estrangement, but how lovely for you, to have people you can actually see and really know, to share this with.

You've taken a huge and very difficult step recognising that there is nothing you can do to stop this.

"I can't stop Madam from taking my son and grand children but I'll be damned if I let her take my health and well being as well". That's what I decided more than 4 years ago and looking back, it was then that our lives began to improve.

It will be the same for you. Stay strong and stay true to your self x

Smileless. .......I have been truly astonished at just how many people this is happening to. A couple of people have opened up to me about their own experiences when they heard what was happening to me. They had kept it to themselves. Maybe a misguided sense of shame or fear of being judged unfairly. No idea but it's like I've uncovered the tip of an iceberg.

I have been blown away by the support I've received, the kindness and good advice, both on here and RL. And you're right it's been a steep learning curve.

At first I did think that maybe if I fought hard enough, was clever enough and played her at her own game I just might get to salvage my relationship with my son. But now I realise that that is a fantasy. We might be able to limp along for a few more weeks or months but I am now pretty much convinced now that she won't stop until she completely isolates him.

It's a done deal. I have reached acceptance now, so hopefully I can now find peace and calm.

Derbyshirelass I truly understand how abusive women can be and the damage they can do all while appearing innocent to others. It can be so hard to find good support because people don't want to see women that way. I'm sorry you are in this situation too.

I'm glad you won't let it spoil your health and happiness.

DerbyshireLass What is RL? You say that you have recieved kindness and good advice from there.

Sorry, my friends in real life. (As opposed to here on the thread)

DerbyshireLass Oh right, thankyou! And there was me thinking it was a different forum or something1 Real life support is good to have!

DerbshireLass it matters not how clever you are; the only way to win with a narcissist is to stop playing.

You're right, Smileless. I can't win, so I won't engage. Best to just walk away. .