I saw the writing on the wall

It probably doesn't feel like it right now but you have done the right thing. It will be painful but not nearly as painful as it would be if you said nothing and let this behaviour continue and (in my experience) escalate over many years before standing up for yourself. Believe me, I know.

I've been estranged for 4yrs now and although I don't post much, I felt I had to reply when I read your post. Things have happened recently that make me kick myself for not acting sooner and nipping it in the bud. To keep the peace, I took every nasty shot she ever fired at me for a decade before I finally said enough but by that time there was a child involved and it was one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever had to make.

It was heart breaking and so very painful in the early days, the child was only 5 at the time. I've recently discovered that she doesn't remember me at all now and that is a HUGE relief because we had formed such a close bond.

I finally have closure and a clear conscience.

You have put your boundaries in place and now everyone knows where they stand, it might just save the relationship before any children come along so well done!

Keep notes or a diary/journal. Someone told me to make a list of all the things that she'd done to me over the years and how they made me feel at the time, then read it back any time I needed reassurance that I had done the right thing because lines do get blurred with time. There are so many things on that list that I don't even need to read the detail, just to look at the length of the list - don't make my mistake, keep your list short.

GrandPlanFail I'm glad that you have finally found closure ans that your conscience is clear.

Learning to live with estrangement and moving on with your life is so hard. Ours came so quickly that thankfully our list is short. There wasn't much time for the nastiness to be endured and as our eldest GC was just 8 months old when the cut off came, we'd never established a relationship.

To have your 5 year old GD who you'd bonded with taken away from you must have been heartbreaking but don't look back on those years, when you tried so hard to put up with the abuse to sustain the relationship, as a failure or a weakness on your part.

You know you did all you could, you did your best and in the end that's all any of us can do.

Nicegranny Yes, you think you are doing the right thing is staying quiet and letting 'it' go. You do not want to cause trouble so you say sorry even when it is not your fault. Then later down the line you can't help but wonder if you actually gave that person/persons license to treat you like that? I have no easy answer. I doubt anyone does. However, for you now, I would do nothing for a few weeks. Let the dust settle. everyone needs to calm down and see how you feel then. They may well settle as well and feel differently too? I do hope so for you. Then if things do settle and you continue to see each other, then try to stay neutral. talk only 'chit chat'. Nothing of particular importance and definitely nothing where strong opinions will be needed or put forth. Hopefully, in time she will be less aggressive towards you. Could be jealousy?

I think I'd make it very clear that my son (on his own) was welcome to call and/or visit - and blame it on a 'personality clash'. That way, he's free to contact you and communication is potentially open.

You could agree not to discuss his relationship, if that helps. The relationship may not last, after all.

Bless you. I too think you’ve done the right thing. We were the other way round. Difficult parents/ in laws. We baled while the ship was sinking. You sound like you’ve had the foresight to go quicker....so well done.

You’ll reap the benefits later on. When, and I’m sure they will....any future grandchildren want to meet you, you’ll be in a much better place, than if you’d let yourself be pummelled to death trying to revive something that is dead.

I wish you all the very best ?

love0c, yes, jealousy and possessiveness, the need for complete control. It often stems from deep insecurity. If you let go and refuse to fight back, they can't play that game. Later, they may realise that you were never a threat.

That is what I have done for the past year or two now Hetty. Surprisingly, to me, it does not bother me much now either.

You can't put a price on your mental welfare and protecting that is the most important thing you can do.

The passage of time does make a difference doesn't it love0c. I'm glad that your situation isn't affecting you as much a it was.

"jealousy and possessiveness, the need for complete control" is so destructive isn't it Hetty and there's nothing you can do for someone who finds themselves in a coercive controlling relationship, unless the victim can see it for themselves.

Letting "yourself be pummelled to death trying to revive something that is dead" that's very powerful DiscoDancer and true.

Thank you @Smileless2012

don't look back on those years, when you tried so hard to put up with the abuse to sustain the relationship, as a failure or a weakness on your part

I no longer do, thankfully. I sometimes struggle to get my head around "why" and think about how things could and should have been. I don't think any of our lives are better for it but I can now genuinely hope she is happy.

No 0ne should have to stay in a relationship if it makes them unhappy. There is nothing wrong with reaching your limit and saying "enough".

We only have one life to live and if we aren't spending it finding a way to be happy and surrounding ourselves with people we have good loving relation ships with, it's wasted

I think we'll always struggle to get our heads around what's happened and why GrandPlanFail.

I love your user name. We all had grand plans didn't we, being GP's to our GC and enjoying time spent with our AC, their partners and their children, as you say "how things could have been".

Our plans may have failed but we didn't.