Why do I torture myself

I agree March and Chewbacca. Making assumptions about abuse is extremely upsetting for anyone who has been estranged.

Posters are looking for advice not judgemental assumptions.

Madgran I know what you were saying but I think it's probably not a good idea to just dismiss OPs sons feelings about it

My intention was not to dismiss. If the son was here he could explain but he isn't. My comment was based purely on the information that is available which is from his mum.

March I take your point and sorry you had that to deal with. I don't know if as you describe was the case for Elless's son.

Smileless2012

Sorry Summerlove I don't understand what you're saying.

It was posted on this thread that the OP had been estranged from two sons and that was wrong. She's been estranged twice by one son.

I read it as two sons. Based on her own posts. I’m obviously not the only one.

Maybe she’ll come back and clarify.

Elless is having an operation today so doubt she will be in any fit state to clarify anything Summerlove.

I wasn't going to post as but why is it some on here have turned it into her son estranged himself from his parents because of abuse.

Many on estrangement threads have never abused their children in any shape or form me included. But still our kids turn their backs on us .

Whiff

Elless is having an operation today so doubt she will be in any fit state to clarify anything Summerlove.

I wasn't going to post as but why is it some on here have turned it into her son estranged himself from his parents because of abuse.

Many on estrangement threads have never abused their children in any shape or form me included. But still our kids turn their backs on us .

I said nothing about abuse whiff, nothing.

I simply stated it sounded like there were two sons who had their own issues, based on OPs own posts. Others read it differently.

I haven't seen any comments accusing OP of abuse either.

Unfortunately that's not uncommon on GN Whiff.

Despite those of us who have been estranged sharing our experiences there are some who simply seem to be unable or unwilling to accept that there are EAC who estranged non abusive parents.

And so it begins......

I was thinking the same thing Chewbacca.

Page 9 of this thread @ 21.38 "To be fair to estranged children with abusive parents the last straw can be something that might seem inconsequential to others. Not directing that to our OP at all ......"

Why introduce the topic of children who have estranged abusive parents to a thread that has nothing to do with that particular topic. It's irrelevant to this thread.

I still had three sons living at home
ES had invited my brother to the wedding, who we hadn't spoken to for nearly 10 years

Simple arithmetic indicates that OP has 4 sons, one of whom she was estranged from for a couple of years but then reconciled, only to become estranged for a 2nd time when he was planning his wedding. Therefore: 1 son: 2 estrangement periods. 1 brother not seen for 10 years. The brother is the red herring that appears to be confusing some posters.

Just leave it Smileless; nothing has changed.

Elless I hope you will understand that I haven't said anything negative to or about you and I was responding to someone else's comment in general.

I do think we shouldn't dismiss our children's feelings even when we don't understand them. Feelings are real.

I am only participating with genuine concern that you can come back together with your son.

I think it's helpful to have feedback and advice from different stances, from EAC, from parents who wish to be reconsiled and from parents who do not wish to reconsile to find what helps you or works for your needs.

I do hope your operation goes well and that if you can't find a way forward with your son you can find some healing.

You're right Chewbacca.

Madgran77

*The suit may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, given the difficult relationship you had with him before then*

I really can't get my head around this. I accept that there had been difficulties previously. However his dad wanting to HIRE a suit in the requested colour rather than BUY one... that really is a very flimsy straw and a very weak camel whatever had gone before!!

Anyway Elless I am sure you will consider the point, or probably have done already, and will draw your own conclusions.

Maybe he didn't just want blue suits, maybe they were all going to have identical blue suits. I've known weddings like that, groom, best man, father of the bride/groom all in the same suits and ties. It could have been a misunderstanding where the father thought he was being reasonable and son thought he was being awkward about buying the same suit as the others. I think misunderstandings like this often causes upsets that seem way over the top.

On a positive note my GS who is estranged from his mother and living with me has had a wonderful start back in sixth form. I was worried it might unsettle him but the feedback has been better than I dared hope.

That's wonderful news theworriedwell.

Can't believe we are heading down that road again , Smileless... just smile and move on?

Thank you Smileless it is certainly a relief.

I was only thinking aloud when I said that because it's been my experience that when I try to explain my estrangement to others it's difficult for them to understand how many straws it takes to break a camel.

I can see how it might be seen as inappropriate to the thread so I apologise for that but it genuinely wasn't said to cause any harm to anyone.

Wishing you all the best Elless, I don't want your thread to degenerate into an argument when you need support.

You probably wont see this until tomorrow at the earliest Elless but I hope everything went well today and your recovery is a peaceful and stress free one.

Summerlove I know you didn't say anything about abuse didn't say you did. But pointed out the Elless was having an operation today and wouldn't be able to clarify anything.

worriedwell how lovely for your GS.

Yes I agree that misunderstandings can cause upsets that seem way over the top. Upsets and arguments I get. Complete exclusion from the wedding and total estrangement, seems a bit more than an upset. There may well be more from tge sons perspective, we just don't know. Very sad for everyone.

Elless I hope all has gone well with your operation

Madgran77

worriedwell how lovely for your GS.

Yes I agree that misunderstandings can cause upsets that seem way over the top. Upsets and arguments I get. Complete exclusion from the wedding and total estrangement, seems a bit more than an upset. There may well be more from tge sons perspective, we just don't know. Very sad for everyone.

Thank you. I was a bit worried in case I jinxed it but he's come home happy and full of beans.

Yes if that was why the son got upset it was definitely over the top, if it was that what a shame he couldn't just say, "Oh I wanted us all to go shopping together and buy the same suits." Dad might have felt it was worth the price of a suit.

It's even worse with texts, when you can't get the tone it is so easy to misinterpret.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry but I've only just had chance to read through this thread. Firstly let me say that I did pop onto the forum this morning to say that my operation had been cancelled at the last minute but obviously no one saw it. I have had quite a laugh reading through because of the confusion (not funny really though).
I have 5 sons, my eldest was estranged for a while but then wanted to forgive and forget. My second eldest is the one who is now estranged and at the time I still had 3 sons living at home with me at the time of the wedding.
Can I also clarify there has never been any abuse as one person states then retracts.

Elless thank you for clarifying. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this twice.

I’m sorry to hear your op was cancelled.