Why do I torture myself

Oh yes you're right there M0nica.

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb

I think that is how it goes anyway. I have friendships where we have stood side by side while life was a battle raging around us so it has always felt very applicable.

Personal experience tells me you're 100% spot on M0nica @ 12.03.

M0nica

Smileless2012 theworriedwell's experience is not uncommon. It is what my grandfather's family did to my grandmother and 2 little girls after he died in WW1 and something very similar happened though not quite as drastic, to my DDiL when her father died.

Although not involving death, when a friend's father kicked his wife and children out of the house one evening, never to return, his whole family, who lived locally, ostracised them, including a supposingedly loving grandmother.

So sad isn't it and so hard to understand. My father was so close to his father, he was the eldest and they had such a bond.

On the other hand I have bent over backwards to support ex DIL, have had them in all school holidays, picked them up from school and fed them and bitten my tongue so hard when I see her doing things that hurt the children as I've felt the danger of being cut off from them was worse for them.

You'd hope she would appreciate it but she barely speaks to me, we had them while she had a romantic weekend away with then boyfriend now husband. She was late getting back and phoned to ask them if they wanted fish and chips as she'd get them on the way to pick them up. Would have been nice if she'd offered me a chip for having 3 kids for 3 days but no nothing doing for muggins.

I've gone and done it, I've sent my ES a letter. I've not been sleeping (worrying over forthcoming op) and it's been playing on my mind.
I did a very simple note just asking him what I've done for him to distance himself from me and I told him that now he's a father to understand that the love he feels for his son I feel for him and I don't expect anything from him except an explanation.

Oh Elless I hope you get the explanation you're looking for. You've done the right thing especially with your forthcoming operation and not being able to sleep.

It's not too much to ask is it, for the reason(s) why he's treating you this way.

Elless I hope that you find a way through this from his response to your letter.

I hope it works out Elless. I'm finding with GS that the more his mother tries to contact him the more determined he is not to speak to her. I keep telling him it is early days and to leave his options open. I end up with her on the phone crying, I haven't actually said to her that I think for the moment she would be better backing off as I don't think it's my place and maybe I'm totally wrong. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who are sure they are right, I doubt things so much.

I'm thinking of contacting her mum, the other GM, not sure if I'll just end up annoying everyone. I feel drained with it all and hate being in the middle. Isn't it awful for everyone involved when things get to this point, I can't believe it is making anyone feel better.

Even if there is no reply, you will know that you have done all you can to end the estrangement and the ball is now in his court.

I hope you hear back from your son and it gives you some resolution Elless. At least you know you reached out.

Agree with M0nica at 22.42. Fingers crossed for you that you receive a favourable reply.

Well it's been a week now and I've not heard anything from my ES, I gave him my email and mobile number so it would be easier to send a note or text but nothing has arrived. I actually feel sorry for him now, I know he's not a nasty person and it will embarrass him if he walks past my house because he hasn't had the guts to reply.
I sort of feel better though because I now know I've done everything I can so onwards and upwards (sorry OnwardsandUpwards) Had my covid test this morning so I'm now in isolation until I have my op on Tuesday.

That's a disappointment Elless; I'm really very sorry that your DS hasn't had either the common decency, or the guts, to at least acknowledge your letter. But, for the time being, you do at least know where you stand and that you've done everything within your power to try to resolve the situation amicably. For now, at least, concentrate on your upcoming operation and recovery. I wish you a speedy return to full health.

Yes, concentrate on your health, that is your first priority.

Elless you tried. Now you just need to concentrate on yourself. Put your son to the back of your mind. You need to go into your operation with a claim and positive frame of mind. It will help you cope with the operation itself plus any pain afterwards and help you heal.

Time for some me time. Hope all goes well and you have a speedy recovery. I know in the past going into an operation with a positive frame for mind has helped me. Hopefully you won't be in hospital long and can recover at home. And let people spoil you . And you will soon be fighting fit . ??

Elless look after yourself and focus on your recovery. I am so sorry that you have not heard , that is disappointing and disheartening for you. ⚘

I'm sorry that your son hasn't responded Elless. You've done all you can and now need to focus on you.

It looks as if he's made his decision and as Chewbacca's posted doesn't have "the common decency, or the guts, to at least acknowledge your letter". I know how heartbreaking this is but you need to let it go and get on with your life.

Wishing you all the very best for Tuesday. Take care of yourself and have a speedy recovery.

A week isn't a huge amount of time in a broken relationship. Maybe he needs longer to think it through.

You've given him an open opportunity to respond. If the letter was positive you may still get a positive response.

There is always the fact that, sending a positive letter (no guilt trips, accusations, calling estranged child any names for estranging) won't usually get a negative response.

Take care of yourself now, don't send anything else that will cause disappointment if no reply comes.

You should really block his social media and leave it that way, wounds don't heal if we pick at them.

I agree with Violetsky

OP is setting herself up for failure sending a letter with expectations of a reply, let alone such a fast one.

A week is no time at all.

There is a chance he might not have read it yet.

He will address it when and if he is ready.

I agree it is a short time and there is a clear possibility that Elles's son will respond when he feels ready or not if he never feels ready.

However that doesn't diminish her understandable disappointment at hearing nothing , a week feels like a very long time when feeling upset and hurt and expressing it helps to deal with it in such a painful situation. I don't think that is "setting herself up for failure", it is just expressing upset feelings in a hopefully safe space for doing it, rather than making things worse with her son by having a go at him for not responding or whatever...not that Elless has suggested she was going to do that I know! But fair enough to express her disappointment here.

Elless focus on yourself and good luck for your operation

I don't agree that Elless was setting herself up for failure, but for more heart break.

A week is a long time for a mother reaching out to her son for an explanation, for a reason why he no longer wants her in his life. Especially when she's waiting to go into hospital for surgery.

As some of us know from personal experience, the most loving and gracious letter in an attempt to reach out to an EAC can and does get a negative response.

I hope Elless that you will find as we have done that silence, no matter how painful is preferable to abuse.

Thank you for your comments but weirdly I feel more at peace now because I know I have done everything I can knowing the ball is definitely in his court. It's 3 years now since we have spoken and for the past two years I have sent cards on birthdays to my EGC but I did state in my letter that I would not contact him again so I now don't have to put myself through all the turmoil when its his birthday .

I'm glad you "feel more at peace" Elless. Good luck for tomorrow's surgery. Let us know how you're getting on and how your recovery goes.

I am glad you feel more at peace Elless, finding a way through a painful situation. Your son has made choices. You are now making choices about how to deal with that and move forward.