Child's wishes

It's a travesty that kids are used like pawns in parents disputes. I could not stand my ex husband, but I always asked my child if they wanted to see nan and grandad on his side. My kid wanted to see them, so they did. Perhaps I gave my child too much autonomy. I feel I did the right thing, even though they bad mouthed me over the years to my kid. My AC now knows how to think for themselves, instead of listening to others. AC now middleaged and can see the reality of all involved

You're a strong and brave woman Whiff.

You did do the right thing User disagreements and disputes between adults should be kept between adults and children should not be drawn into them.

Chewbacca only brave and strong because of all the support from Smiles and everyone one else. Otherwise I couldn't have got through this last year. Without you all I could have ended up a wreck.
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silverlining48

Why not keep a notebook to write to your grandchildren, talking to them about things you have done together, are now doing, what you feel about them. Just chatty things. Include photos and birthday and Christmas wishes. Whatever helps you to feel closer to them.

I am not estranged but kept a book for over 20 years for my children and also grandchildren, which they will get when they are old enough.

I always send them a postcard from holidays too, you could do the same and keep them together with the book, so that one day they will know you have always cared. I wish you well.

Well, this one got to me. Monday morning tears here. x

Whiff... you are truly astounding. I wish you love, luck, hope and further strength for the future.
Such good advice on here already. xx

Get a solicitor and go via grandparents rights - its long and depressing but you do get contact. The children then realise you do love them and intend to be there for them no matter what.

i have had to go through this twice first time my son got divorced ad his ex would not let us see GD, second time my daughter decided that as i was going through a divorce husbands fault i was not going to see GD but ex could, i am sorry to say i was informed bty a solicitor unlss i took them to court for acces to visit i didnt stand a chance. so lost touch completely ith GD1 but GD2 now 16 has got in touch and we are currently emailing but not yet feel comfortable meeting

I lost my Dad 2 years ago tomorrow and mainly due to him favouring me for something in his Will the whole family has turned against me including my 2 sons. I have 4 GC - 2 from each son. The eldest I keep in contact through their mother (his ex) as it's what the children want and we enjoy video chats every few weeks. I asked about taking them out to lunch and she told me that my son is paying 'additional' maintenance over the csa set amount on condition that I am prevented having contact with them that would not involve him at all, so just done out of pure spite .. rotten parent!! Their mother sends me video messages with them opening birthday presents which is lovely and I really appreciate her help with this.
My youngest son has cut all contact and my youngest GC is almost 1 and I didnt even know they were expecting. I send cards and token gifts for birthdays/Xmas and get proof of posting and take photos of everything I send for a memory box and hope they make contact when they are older. Using children as pawns to hurt people is disgusting behaviour and not only hurts us GP but the children also

If, under the Children Act, children have a right to know their extended family, would this apply to uncles and aunts as well as grandparents?

Of course children should be asked....

I can't agree with going through the 'other grandma' to communicate with the children. That would just come across as going behind my back to get to the children and wouldn't help the situation at all. As the other grandma I wouldn't get involved in that either. I'd give any communications to the child's parents so they can decide whether to communicate it to their children. I'm not going to be piggie in the middle.

Children don't have a say, there are grandparents out there, genuine ones who lose touch through one thing or another but there's that handful that aren't nice people.
Children can't understand that or separate the good ones from the not so nice ones.

That's where the parents come in, they get to say who they want in their children's lives and want to protect them.

Only other way is court, maybe see a solicitor about it.
Or try and build a bridge/relationship with the parent.

And definitely not the other grandparent. Their loyalty will be with their child.

Gosh this is such a sad situation. Can I suggest you open premium bond accounts for each grandchild, pay in whatever you might have spent on a present. It will accrue over the years. You could also buy birthday and Christmas cards, in which you write a short chatty letter. You could add postcards from places you go on holiday as well. You can then keep these - don't send them - and when the grandchildren get in touch in years to come they can see it wasn't you ignoring them and that you cared about them and thought about them. You probably need to get in touch with a family lawyer and have a discussion about access. I don't know how much it would cost, but you can't be the only people in this situation. It might be worth the investment in proper legal advice to put your mind at rest. I've got a feeling that you can apply for visiting "rights" when the children are 16, but that needs checking. Good luck!

Theoddbird

Of course children should be asked....

No they shouldn't at young ages. Children can't know the underlying issues and dynamics of the relationships at that age, nor should they. They don't always know why a situation isn't good for them. It's the parents' responsibility to make those decisions. That doesn't mean that it's always fair to grandparents or the right decision. Ultimately the parents will have to account to the children for the decisions made.

I'm glad I didn't give into my child when they were angry and crying that I wouldn't let them spend time with someone who rang all the alarm bells. Now that she's grown my child can see exactly why I said no and completely agrees with me.

Checkout CAFCASS

www.gov.uk/contact-grandchild-parents-divorce-separate

User7777

It's a travesty that kids are used like pawns in parents disputes. I could not stand my ex husband, but I always asked my child if they wanted to see nan and grandad on his side. My kid wanted to see them, so they did. Perhaps I gave my child too much autonomy. I feel I did the right thing, even though they bad mouthed me over the years to my kid. My AC now knows how to think for themselves, instead of listening to others. AC now middleaged and can see the reality of all involved

For what it's worth, I think you will have done your child a great service.
Best wishes to all your family.

I'm so pleased that you are now in contact with your GD2 bear you must be overjoyed as you'd have thought you'd lost her for good.

Thank goodness for your son's ex Gran16. What a nasty and spiteful thing to do, essentially blackmailing your GS's mum into not allowing you contact by paying "additional maintenance".

"Using children as pawns to hurt people is disgusting behaviour and not only hurts us GP but the children also"; absolutely.

Yes it would apply to uncles and aunts as well as GP's montymops and as with GP's there would need to be proof of an established relationship and bond with the children over a period of time.

I write a letter to each of my estranged grandchildren on their birthday, I am keeping the letters in the hope that one day they will be able to read them for themselves and understand that we never stopped loving them or thinking about them. I also find it very therapeutic for me- having a conversation with each child and reminding myself that I am part of their family. It is such a difficult situation- and as grandparents we seem to have no rights.

I don't see myself as having any rights over my grandchildren. I raised my children. It's the parents of my grandchildren who have the rights and decision making position over what is their children, not mine.

Please contact a family solicitor for half an hours free consultation - I know of a couple of cases that went to court and grandparents were given access rights It is very rare but does happen x good luck Other than that all the other suggestions are brilliant

Cossy - were they GPs who had lost contact due to bereavement or divorce? Just curious because that's the kind of situation that GP's rights was designed for.

I'm glad I didn't give in to my child and hand them over to someone who rang the alarm bells
What were the alarm bells saying?
Was this a court ordered situation?

The courts usually consider all aspects of the childs welfare, which is why somtimes an ex that is abusive to their partner is allowed access to the child. As there is no history of problems, and the dynamics between them are different.
Especially when the child is away from both parents and gets to spend time with them without tension.

Parents obviously allowed their own prejudices to influence the situation when courts arnt involved.
As in access to GP.
In the same way the GC has a different relationship with GP than the parents do.
But the gchildren have to abide by their parents rules, whether the parents intuition is real or imagined.