Do you send gifts to GC when estranged

I dont pass on cards to my children because they all had little messages in them like "we are so sad we aren't allowed see you on your birthday" which would have just made my children feel bad... On their birthdays.

How can I trust someone who speaks like that around my children. Thank goodness when I offered for them to see them after I estranged, they said no and I didn't have to change that later after counselling opened my eyes.

No good relationship with me now means no good relationship with my children so no cards.

How can anyone who calls me cruel, disgusting, a liar, difficult, wicked, mentally ill, selfish, bitch, nasty and evil, in the contact still sent to me, expect things to ever change?

I've estranged. Unkind words won't bring me back.

It's pointless because all the reasons I've estranged are the truth but what if they weren't? That would mean I was mentally ill and believed a fantasy or I had been abused by another and deliberately separated from family so unkind words would not help then either.

Kindness, understanding and love would have brought me back. That would have worked even from my abusive mother, because I was desperate to be loved.

Unfortunately for her she stayed just as unkind after estrangement as she was before it.

I understand that any contact from the person whose estranged you is problematic CafeAuLait.

Last year after almost 8 years of estrangement our ES emailed me after my mum died. For me it was an unwanted intrusion on my grief. He did the same thing when Mr. S.'s mum died in August this year. It wasn't the shock it had been previously as it was almost expected, but still an intrusion which for me he had no right to make as it was him that ended our relationship.

When we were sending Christmas and birthday cards, the messages were short. There was no point in us saying we missed them because we've never known them. They in all likelihood never got them anyway which I guess happens in the majority of cases.

If there has been a close relationship with GP's, I would think that to get a card from them saying they love and miss you would be a comfort, if they love and miss the GP's they're not allowed to see anymore.

How awful for a child to think that GM and GD don't love them anymore.

So I finally got a moment to listen to the link posted a few posts ago. I think every point is true and it's definitely worth a listen, whichever side of estrangement you are on.

CafeAuLait I thought it was very good too. I imagine that my mother wouldn't pay much attention or would pick and choose the bits she did/didn't want to hear.

It was valuable advice though

My big failure was to reward gift sending with a thank you letter full of information and photos. It's hard to receive gifts and not say thank you. Silly me. When I stopped rewarding it, a few years later the gifts stopped.

I also felt the video was very well done. I felt it was very balanced and good advice.

In retrospect sending gifts is not a good idea, mine never were passed on. A card at Christmas and birthdays, plus a couple of random ones in the year, just a simple message, love and thinking if you, one day they will be able to pick up their own post, perhaps then they will question the estrangement. I know if I had grandparents who were never mentioned, I would seek them out.

The video was good, well worth listening to.

I think cards are the way to go Allsorts and as you say, one day when they're older they'll be able to get their post before it's intercepted.

I won't be sending any more cards or gifts as these have been clearly not wanted by adult granddaughter. I'm hurt I admit. I have good days and bad days but hopefully remain strong enough not to do any grovelling. They know me well enough not to forget me. If they choose to prefer their fathers version of events eventually they will come to realise their nana wasn't a bad person. Nor a bad mother. Everyone sees me differently to my EAS.

I’ve sent a gift again this year and sent it with all our love..

We’re not giving up hope that one day we’ll be reconciled again.

We’ve loved and cared for her all her life and always will do
no matter how much undermining goes on.

I hope you are all doing well and finding a little bit of Joy in your lives.

I have drawn the line this year, I cannot handle the heartbreak of gifts and cards being returned, it hurts doing it either way.

I do understand that Bridie22 You really have to walk that mile don’t you before truly understanding our lose.

I struggled this year as I don’t know what she’s interested in anymore and I do think a “joke” will be made of whatever is sent anyway. But the wee girl I knew is in there somewhere…

We drew the line at the beginning of this year Bridie. We never sent gifts to our GC but cards on their birthdays and at Christmas.

Non were ever returned, even when we lived just down the road but I don't think for one minute they ever received them.

Yes it does hurt doing it either way so try and choose the one that hurts the least.

Hope you are feeling better smileless, its so hard to stop hoping and thinking but I need to stop and try to be grateful for what I have.

Yes I am thank you Bridie.

You know that it's like of you go on a diet, all you think about are the foods you shouldn't eat because if you do, you wont lose weight. I think the same applies here. The more you tell yourself to stop thinking and hoping, the more you do.

You can't stop, that's the problem. All you can do is continue with your life without them and as so many of us have found, as time passes you don't think and hope as much as you used too.

I wrestle with this every year, not just xmas; birthdays, easter. I've followed my heart, will be 3 years this year, my grandson is 8 today. Turns out, the children do get what I send, whether by post, via another granny, my daughter does allow them to have they're gifts.
Xmas is a non event for me, more so this year. I see no point.
I enjoy getting things I think my gc will love, its strange, I still feel connected, I 'guess' a lot, seems I get it right. The parents can't destroy my love for my gc, I have that, and memories of happier Christmas's with them

nananet & }}}Hugs{{{

Children need to know their grandparents are there for them, even when the parents are estranged. They will always remember the cards and gifts, which don't have to be huge. Life is fleeting and giving to your grandchildren will make you both feel good. One never knows what is around the next corner. Always be kind. It's good for you.

I did send a gift to GC and it ended the estrangement because EC sent a gifts back to us, so we decided to take a massive chance and turn up on their doorstep. We were welcomed in!

What have you got to lose?

Im truly sorry for anyone who can't do this because it's not welcome- but if you aren't sure, it's worth taking a chance and trying because you never know- and even if you don't "get anywhere", you'll have given your GC pleasure, whether they know it was from you or not.

Ok, I should add to "what have you got to lose?" I did have to put any pride aside.

Onward I am glad for you that it worked.

That's amazing Onward I'm thrilled for you and hope this is the beginning of a new and better chapter in all of your lives.

Thanks so much Madgran77 and Smileless It seems to have worked . It was suggested to me that as he's quite insecure, he might need to be chased. I would have liked him to make the effort to get in touch, but I did put my pride aside as I realised that we would be losing out if he was not able.

I have the same situation. I have a five year old GD and a GS who is nearly one and have only seen once. Isent voucher with a card for Xmas and no acknowledgement.