Do you send gifts to GC when estranged

LovelyCuppa

As an ‘outsider’ with no vested interest in this topic, no-one is coming across particularly well here.

Agreed, taking a mental step back

Estrangement is a very emotive subject LovelyCuppa and emotions run high. I stand by everything I've posted on this thread.

As an ‘outsider’ with no vested interest in this topic, no-one is coming across particularly well here

Not sure vested interests or otherwise have anything to do with it. Reading the whole thread, plenty of posts are clear and come over perfectly well, even when emotions are running high, in my opinion. Not that I have a "vested interest" either!

I should think posters who don't justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE) are rather just doing as they see fit regarding GC they estranged -- when leaving a box after death. A lovely idea.

the only GP who chose to cease contact with their GC referred too on this thread is CafeAuLait's m.i.l.

Those of us leaving memory boxes to our GC in our wills, in the event that we never get to see them before we die, have been estranged by our GC's parents. We haven't estranged our GC.

I agree with some replies but not all and let me explain why, I was estranged from my narcissistic mother for over 40 years and from the day of our argument she ignored me and my two young children never as much as a birthday card.
I just couldn’t understand or forgive her not sending the children a card, there may have been a glimmer of a chance of me speaking to her again if she had shown she thought about them.
So my advise would be always send cards and birthdays and Christmas put money in a savings account for the children, that way when you reconcile they will know you cared

Thank you for your post Lesley.

We stopped sending cards to our GC this year, after 8 years. We don't believe for one moment they'd ever have been given them and feeling able to stop was for me, a sign that we were continuing to let go and move forward.

We do still buy cards for their birthdays and at Christmas for their memory box so if we never do get to see them in our life time, they'll know one day that they were loved and never forgotten.

In my situation I didn't pass cards on for 2 reasons.

1, They had problematic messages in them. Some were "we are so sad we are not allowed to see you for your birthday" and others there were letters to me inside the cards for my children. So I couldn't risk my children being upset.

2, My lovely daughter was the only one who never got any and her birthday is within days of my mother's, who was very glad of that "you can't have her on my birthday, that's My birthday". My NM always disliked her and even though I estranged I wanted to protect her from that. I've since found out she knew from quite a young age sadly.

Agree with you Leslies comments.

Smileless2012 *"have been estranged by our GC's parents. We haven't estranged our GC."

Should have said: By set of circumstance regarding ones GC, I should think posters who don't justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE) are rather just doing as they see fit -- when leaving a box after death. A lovely idea.

Not sure if I've understood your post correctly Norah but if I have then yes, GP's who leave a memory box for their GC in their will, because they never had the opportunity to see those GC in their life time, are "just doing as they see fit" and IMO it is a lovely idea.

Smileless 2012 Yes, you agree

By whatever set of circumstance, by whatever fault -- the leaving of a box, by will, for GC is lovely.

Norah It might not be after death though. Who knows what will happen as our grandchildren become older and able to think for themselves.

lesley60 answer to me shows she has her children’s emotional stability at the heart of her descion I applaud her for that, difficult as it must have been.

Smileless I was attempting to say, those who don't JADE are doing well, my view.

Granniesunite You must be correct as well, I'm elderly -- the during life facet doesn't come to my mind.

I live in hope norah.

I sent a small gift and bday card via an Internet company who unfortunately sent it on tge wrong date. My adult gc who took her dad's side of things in our falling out, will think I don't know the real date of her bday now. But I've had no acknowledgement of them. I think they think they can cut me off like they did their other grandparents for 2 years. I think it's dreadful. I wouldn't have treated anyone like that at their age. I'm at a loss. Seems like j just have to get used to it. I feel used and discarded now I'm not needed. How heartless.

Socksandsocks it is heartless I agree but as you say, it's something that we just have to get used too because there's nothing we can do to change it.

Socksandsocks01 sorry you are feeling used and discarded . But know where you are coming from. Do you post on Smilesless 's thread can't remember the exact wording but support for those living with estrangement. Post on there and you will get help,support, understanding and friendship.

Last year my son sent me an email that was awful and said he needed time that was May . In August it was his and his second son's birthday the same day. I knew they where expecting another son in July. So thinking as I hadn't contacted as he asked for months I foolishly sent birthday presents and card, birth presents and card and something for my eldest grandson. As I always give to siblings when a new baby is born. Everything came back the day after their birthday all unopened and presents looked like someone had crushed them in their hands luckily they where soft. With an awful letter stating zero contact.

So that is what he has got. I will not let them hurt me like that again. And knowing my son and daughter in law where that selfish not to let my 3 grandson's have presents from me. Hurt so much.

My grandson's haven't had a card or presents from me since.

I miss my son and grandson's everyday. But I will not let them hurt me again . You must protect yourself and don't let your child and grandchild hurt you again.

How our adult children can treat us the way they do is beyond me. I have done nothing to hurt my son , daughter in law and grandson's. I don't even know the name and date of birth of the youngest. But they are now 5,3 and 1 now. And the older 2 I know would have forgotten me by now.

But I am lucky I have a wonderful daughter, son in law and 2 grandson's who I see every week.

Hope to see you on the other thread.

You are not alone. ?

Thank you Whiff. How awful for you. They inflict such pain on us without a second thought.

That was wicked Whiff

2 of my husbands children have somehow found to have a ‘go’ at their dad so since just before Christmas last year has been enstranged. My husbands reaction re the grandchildren of his 2 is if he doesn’t have a relationship with his own how is he going to get a relationship with the grandchildren & there still buy for birthdays and Xmas etc. If it was my kids & GC which I haven’t got yet I would still do the presents bit etc. It’s a shame for the GC to suffer when it’s not their fault. People have to do what’s right for them.

The children suffer as you say bevisp1. I'm sorry your H's been estranged. Sending cards is an option an opening savings accounts which if he's unable to do in their names, he could do in his own, giving the money to them at a later date, or failing that leaving details of the accounts in his will so they'll inherit them.

I was considering sending a Christmas card and maybe a vouhcer to my EAC and DiL but I've watched this video www.facebook.com/watch/?v=764429337312533 I will probably send NOTHING to them.

Like you said Smileless we have been estranged by our GC's parents , so those EAC do not deserve to be rewarded by gifts. It is not the GC fault, so I think we will send gifts to our GC with no expectations of contact. My worry is that EAC will see it as "manipulation", but as we aren't in contact, that's his problem. I doubt whether he will bother to send the gift back because it would take "energy". One of the things he last complained about talking to me was that a response would take his "valuable energy!" sigh

Much as it goes against the grain to ignore family, I will ignore EAC and DiL's birthdays and Christmas's from now on the way they are ignoring us and depriving us of GC. The way they have deprived their own Kids of love and relationships with a wider family who care about them is absolutely reprehensible. What they deserve is the same amount of "energy" and consideration that they have (not) given to us.

OnwardandUpward, are you able to sum up the five reasons?

Without listening, the reasons I would give as the estranged AC, who had parents/GPs that kept sending gifts, are:

1. The gifts reflect that you really don't know the children at all.
2. You estranged us. You can't have it both ways. Either we're estranged or we're not, make up your mind. If you're estranged, don't send gifts. If you're not, adjust your attitude and come and visit instead.
3. We see these gifts, after you estranged us, as an attempt to manipulate and keep your foot in our life somehow. It's not working.