Do you send gifts to GC when estranged

Amber at 16:36
I agree

I also admit it could be cases of abuse from the parents where the grandparents tried to intervene and got cut off.

Bad relationships harm children so the best way to be a part of grandchildren lives is to find a way to have a good relationship with the parents.

If children have a good relationship with their parents (and how could any good person hope otherwise) then as Amberspyglass said it will just be seen as a manipulation tactic.

If these parents aren't good parents then the grandchildren will hopefully be in touch while their grandparents still live and will be happy and grateful to have family who loves them. If it comes after the grandparents passing, they will just be devastated and feel a loss they may nit have otherwise.

I can't see any scenario where this is a win for grandchildren at all.

Bringing their parents choices into the argument has absolutely no baring on this at all. Unless it is tit for tat and people want to make their last dying act to be some sort of last word in an argument the poor grandchildren didn't start.

I'm speaking as someone who would have reached out to my nan had she been alive and I do actually have a letter from my nan chastising my mum for constantly shouting at me and wish I'd known her love and protection. I was also estranged and alienated from my own family members.

I don't speak from solely my experience as an EAC.

My granddaughter won't be a child when she gets her box. Thats the difference.

We've got documents at present that would prove that lies are being told deliberately. That would destroy her and blow the whole disgusting mess up. But we'll take the flak instead because we love her and give her time to sort it out in her head....

But in time she'll need to be told the truth because its the truth .

It isn't a false hope AmberSpyglass. It does happen. We know of a GM who about 4 years ago was contacted by her GD, her D's child when she was 18.

They see one another on a fairly regular basis and have regular contact. I don't know if it's still the case but her GD's mother didn't know she was seeing her GM.

That's one of problems with estrangement, it can forge dishonesty and secrecy. It's not a good thing for a D to hide the fact she's seeing her maternal GM from her mother. No doubt, if she thought her mother would respect her right to make her own choices this wouldn't be an issue.

As for manipulation, well what about EP's who manipulate their children so as to make them not want to make contact with their GP's.

I find it rather offensive when EGP's talk of leaving memory boxes for their GC for it be deemed as "tit for tat", as wanting to have "the last word in an argument the poor children didn't start".

"Their last dying act" I'm sorry but that's a ridiculous statement. I started putting aside momentos for our EGC's memory box 8 years ago when I was 52; dying was the furthest thing from my mind.

Parents need to consider, that they denied their children their GP's due to an argument their children didn't start.

As far as I'm aware, the mother of the D I referred too in my previous post wasn't a bad mother. It's wrong IMO to assume that an adult GC would only seek out their GP's because they had bad parents.

The only way to be a part of your GC's lives is to have at the very least, a workable relationship with the parents but that's an impossibility when the parents estrange you.

All I get is that, these boxes aren't truly coming from a place of love. It's coming from anger and determination how dare their parents cut us off and blowing things up with the "truth"... then not even being there to help the grandchildren cope with the fallout.

I feel sad for those grandchildren dealing with this later I really do.

Thats your opinion violetsky however it’s not our intention and our wishes are very clearly stated..

You can’t hide forever from the truth it has a way of coming straight back at. you.

Yes smileless I’ve heard of grandchildren reuniting with family but again it’s to be kept quiet.

The reason? “I’d be cut off”

I find it all so so sad…..

It's a feeling based on experience, not opinion.

The truth is that none of you can possibly know how these boxes will be received but you will still risk your grandchildren happiness by doing it.

It's a complete gamble and now you are doing it knowing that is the case.

My truth, well, I can't prove very much at all but I just don't need to, my children love and trust me.

I have no doubt they will get something sent in the will, my children will likely not be interested and give it to me to deal with.

How can I manipulate my GC when I'm dead!!!, I will never know if the box is opened or dumped.All their choices.

I can prove my truth .And we will one day.

Your experience is just that. Yours.

Exactly Bridie22 ….

All Their choice.

Not a choice inflicted on them when they really had no idea what was going on.

Voilet Sky you are so wrong In my case, this box is full of nothing but love, I dont care what my children will make of it, they have had their say, this box is for my beloved grandchildren.

viole sky...you again maybe proved wrong...your children may happily take their inheritance.it will be rightfully theirs, none of your business.

sorry I seem to have missed typed your name !

Send it when you are still alive and they reach 18 then? Why on earth do it in the will?

Deal with the emotions that arise yourselves and take responsibility for whatever the outcome may be.

Then if I'm wrong and your grandchildren see this box full of messages from strangers as a positive thing you can tell me so, I'll wait.

They are over 18, its not in my will just in the hands of a trusted person...you assume a lot.

as my previous post stated I am not a stranger to my grandchildren

VioletSky

Send it when you are still alive and they reach 18 then? Why on earth do it in the will?

Deal with the emotions that arise yourselves and take responsibility for whatever the outcome may be.

Why on earth do it in the will or when you have sadly passed on?

why have you repeated your last post, I understood and answered it the first time?

I’d deal with the emotions now if it was allowed.

me too !!!

VioletSky you're being incredibly cruel and unkind on this thread and in danger of going too far. Your posts are definitely not coming from a place of kindness. You appear to be goading posters on here. Please stop it.

What I have discovered is that no contact really does
“run in families”.

I agree with Bridie22post at 18.50.49.

No that's not true at all Chewbacca.

I haven't been cruel or unkind, I have just been honest and people haven't wanted to hear it because they genuinely have the idea that what they are doing is a positive thing.

I am genuinely concerned for how this will impact the grandchildren and that's where I am coming from.

I can see though that I'm not being heard so I will drop it but I hope what I have said won't be ruled out of consideration.

So many families have a person who is estranged from their relatives, in this generation or past ones.

It is truly not that unusual