SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

My son made it easy for me last year about what to do about sending cards and gifts. When he sent back his and his second son's birthday cards and gifts plus gifts and card for my new grandson and as I always send to siblings when a new baby is born something for my eldest grandson all unopened and the gifts crushed luckily they were soft plus his letter stating zero contact. So that's what they have had . No cards ,no gifts, no nothing.

What really hurt was that my son and daughter in law could be so spiteful to my grandson's and not let them have the things off me.

My grandson's are now 5, 3 and 1. So the 2 eldest would have forgotten me by now and the youngest never knew me. I miss them everyday. But I will never contact my son .

If he wants to contact me he will have to face me. But can't see that ever happening . So have made peace with that. I had to for my own sake as well as the rest of my family. And it's hard . But I have wobbles. But as I have said before my husband dieing broke my heart and it's still broken . You can't break something twice.

I love my new life since I moved here. And with your help I am happy. I promised my husband to live the best life I can. And those promises mean more to me than anything my son has done.

We all have to find a way of coping for our own peace of mind. Also I am stubborn and will not let my son destroy me. If that was he's aim he has failed big time.

Feeling myself today. Heard from the AF clinic got an appointment on the 12th December. They operate 7 days a week. My GP hasn't had the letter about my new heart tablet yet I checked with them today. Perhaps tomorrow they will get it. Be glad to be back on a heart tablet and it can settle down again.

Exercise class tomorrow. Hopefully still feeling ok and can do all the exercises.

Enjoy the rest of your day ?

Hello everyone.

Good to hear yiu are feeling a little better Whiff, you sound upbeat and positive. And that's what we have to aim for. Even in my sad, dark days I tell myself "this too shall pass" and sure enough it does. It will take time,

Onward your son not wanting his children to go to main stream school is concerning.......I appreciate some children are best home schooled but only if school fails them or they are really unhappy in school. But I do think they should be given a chance. Your DIL really needs to address this because it does smack of coercive control. You are right to be alarmed.

Well I've got my little car back, all serviced and spruced up. I have also sold another two items today. I've got the bolognese in the slow cooker so a good day.

I actually slept for a straight 10 hours last night, ??. It was really late (for me) when I finally surfaced. Oh well I must have needed it. Haventt slept like that since I was a teenager. ??. Felt great when I did finally wake up.

I think the "discarded when no longer of use" scenario is very true. That's how I feel.

I was part of their bubble throughout covid whilst DIL was pregnant. Both son and DIL were trying to work from home. They had a 2 year old and DIL wasn't having a very good pregnancy with baby no 2. I literally put my life on hold for them, helping out several days a week, seeing only them, not even my second son. This continued even when restrictions were lifted last summer because of DILs being pregnant.

I went nowhere, saw no-one but them. Now the children are back at nursery and I'm surplus to requirements. Still at least I now know where I stand.

When the children start school my son and DIL will suddenly realise they need help with school runs, after school care etc. Well they can whistle. They have well and truly shot themselves in the foot. I wont be available,

Sure if I relented it would ensure that I did see the children but you can bet your boots that once they were older and I was no longer needed I would once again be cast aside.

Do they think I will be taken in a second time. For all their fancy education and PhDs they aren't very smart are they. ??. I wont allow myself to be (mis) used again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Well I certainly won't get fooled again.

My son and his delightful wife will learn the hard way.

I am not a "Warrior Queen ". I wish l could be, but l met someone new recently and said l had only one child. I thought of you all and what l have read on here and wished l could have told the truth, that l have an ES but l guess l still think l will be judged.
When l was being estranged my son said his childhood had been very happy, but " I had changed lately ". No, he had been changed. He had said before that his wife was "fragile " l now realise a different word would have been more appropriate! I alternate between being very sorry for him, cut off from his family, and being very cross and angry. Though these days l disassociate myself from it and get on with my life. It's nearly three years now.
Best wishes to all on this supporting thread. I'm so pleased it's here

Hilltop you have got through nearly 3 years without your son and are getting on with your life. That makes you a Warrior Queen. Don't put yourself down.

Here is a safe place for you to talk about your feelings. No one judges or criticises. You will get help, support ,advice if you want it ,friendship but most importantly people who understand what it feels like to have your child or children turn against you.

When you feel able you will be able to tell people what had happened to you. And you will be surprised how many people this has happened to.

Since being on this thread I have never hid my estrangement. But have had a neighbour ,taxi driver and my window cleaner tell me it has happened to them. With my neighbour who is 91 it's his son, taxi driver his daughter and my window cleaner his 6 siblings.

Others here have also had other people tell them about their estrangement because they could talk about it.

But not everyone can. We are all different. You have shown courage posting here. It took me a long time before I could openly post. But so glad I could.

But could only do that because of all the PMs with Smiles.

Look forward to getting to know you. ?

That's so painful, Whiff, I'm so sorry . It's just so cruel, isn't it, to not even allow the kids their gift. You're doing so well despite their cruel treatment of you. I hope you have a great time at your exercise class today.

Oh Derbyshirelass, thats so sad that you put your life on hold for them and didnt see anyone but them because of covid. It sounds like you were a terrific help to them! We housed ES and DiL plus GC for part of the pandemic, but were still treated appallingly. I have wondered if its "familiarity breeds contempt"? Like you, even if they do get in touch now, I will hold back. I've always been a giver and thats fine in a reciprocal relationship. Its not nice to be taken for granted, though.
Possibly over time they might start to realise what they lost and value us more. I will definitely be filling my life with more things because we cannot ever know we would not be discarded again.

Hilltop, you are a warrior Queen. Just being here and talking about it means you're overcoming the shame and pain of the situation. I recently told a new friend Id been estranged and she said she knows someone else in the same position. I told a neighbour recently and she listened without judgement and was kind. I think there is so much of it now that its not our shame, we didnt abandon our kids- they abandoned us so the shame is not ours. Shame on those children who were loved and sacrificed for, for thinking they can discard us like an old pair of shoes.

The pain is ours, but the shame is not.

"The pain is ours, but the shame is not" spot on Onward and when we understand that this is the case, the healing begins.

Our Warrior Queen ranks are growing and a very warm welcome to you Hilltop because as Onward and Whiff have rightly said, you are one too.

I have some exciting news for you all. There's a new website, www.abandonedparents.com set up by Sharon Anne Wildey. I've only had a quick look at this this morning and it looks as if it's an excellent resource, so take a look dear friends.

A beautiful morning here, I love those cold days when the sun's shining and everything feels crisp and fresh.

It seems a recurring theme the move you helped your children and put your lives on hold to give that help the more they hurt you when they decided they no longer needed a parent or parents.

Because I don't drive and only moved here 2 years ago. I could only help when I visited . It wasn't until I moved I was available full time to help. Which I love doing.

But both my children are fully aware of my health problems and always checked if I ok with a visit. Think I have said only realised recently all the things I never did with my son's 2 eldest that my daughter has encouraged me to do with her boys. She says she loves how much the boys adore me. And she trusts me with them.

It seems looking back my daughter in law and of course my son didn't trust me with my grandson's and that was very upsetting to realise. But I was just happy to be with them.

I went through years with blinkers on. How they must have laughed at that.

Did a really stupid thing this morning. I love cross stitching and seeing what other crafts people do. I saw my daughter in law's name and press it was an Instagram site. I didn't join it but you could see a picture of her plus her crafts and something she had written July 11 2020. I now know my third grandson by them was born early July. She looked tired and had lost a lot of weight.

Why oh why did I do it. It's just upset me.

Smiles we crossed posts. I will take a look as her book is wonderful.

Smiles went straight to that link and watched all the you tube videos on the site . I wouldn't be signing up to her Facebook site as my daughter in law lives there. But will be getting her other books. Thank you and Yogin for recommending the book . It's a must read for estranged parents.

Thank you. Yes, you are all right, it should not be my shame that my son has discarded me. He moved house about a year ago and l am not supposed to know where he is. I have narrowed it down to two houses in a village miles away from me. But why on earth did l bother to do that ?? I certainly would never ever go anywhere near.
I can now see that perhaps l should have seen the estrangement coming, but l didn't. All had seemed good with my DIL and then suddenly everything was misconstrued and altered. I couldn't believe what they were saying. No, not saying because it was done by texts and no way would they come and discuss the situation or even phone, though l think my son would have come (if she had let him). I had asked them both to come as texting and email was sureley not the way for such a discussion.
When l write on here l can see that people who don't understand can easily think it must have been my fault but l know in my heart that it wasn't. Writing that has made me cry and l haven't cried about this for some time

I don't do FB Whiff but Mr. S. does which is how we keep in touch with her. I have the 'Healing beyond Understanding' but not the 'Invitation to EAC' so must get that.

We all think we should have seen it coming Hilltop but of course we never do because who would ever believe such a thing could happen.

"Misconstrued and altered" oh yes, that's what they do and not at the time, always at a later date when they've had the time to re write history. Suddenly so much of what they experienced is bad, toxic even abusive. GP's who were once allowed to see their GC, even have them without supervision are no longer safe and fit for purpose.

Hilltop what you describe is experienced by many who post on here and many are at different stages of a difficult process - either waiting with a sense of doom and not knowing how to solve it - or somewhere past when the doom has happened like you are. I am sorry it made you cry but it is not surprising, it is understandable. Take heart that you are not alone, and do talk on here, it helps to get constructive and understanding engagement with others. ⚘⚘

Hilltop hope you don't mean we blame you because we wouldn't do that. Or I have read your last paragraph wrong and you mean other people.

Crying is good. Don't bottle your emotions up you will only hurt yourself. If you want to cry ,scream or hit a pillow do it. I have done plenty of that since my husband died and my son decided I was not longer wanted me.

Having a rant on here will also do you good. No one judges and you will be understood by us. Know this is a safe place . I have ranted and rambled to my heart's content. And have felt better for it.

There is no cure for estrangement but you can live with it. It's hard and have plenty of wobbles along the way. But here if we wobble there are friends who will catch us . And put us back on our feet. ?

No Whiff, l didn't mean anyone here in a similar situation. But l find it's difficult to write what happened when others, perhaps those who have estranged their parents, might read it and put a different interpretation on it.
It is such an alien thing to have happened and if it hasn't happened to someone, l don't see how they can understand and not think l must have been at fault

It is interesting to read other people’s stories - all are heartbreaking. I still cannot believe that is it coming up to 7 years since I saw or spoke to my daughter. Also I used to be really close to my eldest son but not so much now. He is close to my daughter and I have suspected for a long time that he carries tales back to her - so I don’t ever say anything negative about her. Which is hard because I just want to give her a shake right now.

My eldest two children have the same dad and he was a wife beater - he never harmed them. When I sit back and think of how things have gone over the years since I left him I can see a pattern. They are both quite like him and have tempers. My youngest son who has a different dad is completely different natured entirely. Such a kind thoughtful lad.

I have missed out so much with their children and I feel sad today that those cannot be got back.

I also dont feel like a Warrior at anytime but I dont know what I could have done in the past to make things different. I am at a loss. I do feel very lonely and left out of things when I could have been a part of it all.

Hilltop my best friend is a family counsellor. I don't take about my son with her. Because the first time I did she put that voice on. And I told her to stop I don't want or need counselling I just wanted my friend. Unfortunately they could never have children. So have no idea what it feels like. Only someone going through it knows how it feels.

I read the other parts of this thread when it happened and PM ed Smiles for long time before I plucked up the courage to post openly and I am very glad I did.

My daughter ,son in law and brother hide so much from me because they didn't want me hurt. They protected me . It was only when I moved here things got worse. My son came every week with my 2 grandson's. But was never invited to their house. Should have had Christmas day 2019 with them but my son said he was to tried. So my daughter had me. Was going to my son's on boxing day but he changed it so they came here and brought all the food which he cooked. My daughter in law sat and crocheted only talked to me if I asked a question. But I was happy playing with my grandson's.

Looking back how stupid was I.

Before I moved here after my husband's death in 2004 I had both parents and mother in law dependent on me. So that's why I lived 100+ miles away. Only seeing the family every few months.

Why I should suddenly become this evil doer my grandson's need protecting against . And my son can throw away the only parent he has got along with all our side of the family I will never understand.

We can not understand how our children can decide to throw away loving and caring parents. All our lives we protected them . There wants and needs came first. I don't mean money wise but love and understanding . Teaching them to be good and caring adults. My son was I don't know who he is now. But then again I am not the mom he knew.

You keep writing whatever you want . Here you are safe Smiles and the ones who have been keeping it going for years have made it a haven for us.

?

I cannot honestly say that I'm missing the trouble and trauma that my EAC used to cause. My whole family want nothing to do with him. I should by rights want nothing to do with him. I'm disgusted with the way he's behaving and have decided not to even send a Christmas card. It almost feels "wrong" to not send one, but why should I reward his selfishness and silence?

If I did send him a card or gift he would probably think I'm trying to manipulate him, which I'm not even remotely interested in. I'm enjoying peace from his shenanigans, but would have appreciated the chance to be a grandparent. As that doesn't seem to be on the horizon I have had a clear out and donated loads of toys that my GC used to play with to a local kids charity. My house is no longer kid friendly. I'm moving on.

If I get my GC's gifts returned, they will go to the local kids charity that I've decided to support instead of giving gifts to my EAC and DiL At least that way, some good will come from all this nonsense. I probably wont tell them that I've decided to donate their Christmas money to charity. It would seem like I was trying to provoke a response. The thing is, actions have consequences and it's time they learned that by this being the first Christmas they have recieved NOTHING Meanwhile my GC will get a gift because this isn't about them.

Why is it that the kinder you are, the worse you are treated? From this Christmas onwards, I will be kind to those who love me back and instead of rewarding bad behaviour with a gift, I will help kids charities.

Smileless thanks for mentioning Sharon Wildey, I've watched a few of her videos. This one about Scapegoating made a lot of sense.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuxmLmubPrs&t=386s&ab_channel=AbandonedParents

THIS is what they've done to us. Rather than talk or work things out, they have scapegoated US. Relationships are two way, so they require self reflection in order to grow and work. Someone who is scapegoating does not want to look at themselves. It makes sense. It's not the first time it's happened to me (I wish it was).

Psychcentral.com says "People who scapegoat others have certain particular traits; these include a sense of superiority and pride, a large ego which needs maintaining, feelings of entitlement and grandiosity, limited personal self-reflection, poor character, self-righteousness, and hypocrisy."

Rather them than me. I can admit when I'm wrong. I won't take the blame when someone else is in the wrong, though. Their relationships will suffer. No one will love them like a Mother would have.

Purplepixie you may not feel like a Warrior Queen but by posting here you are. You have been dealing with estrangement for 7 years and are still living your life to the full. Your story is heartbreaking but it shows what a strong and brave woman you are to get away that man and protect your children.

Never put yourself down . I am sorry you are lonely and feel you have missed so much. But there is still a life worth living . Just a different life. You have a lovely younger son to cherish and give all your love to . He won't let you down.

I always try and find a positive from a negative just something silly . Like a Goldfinch on my neighbours bird feeder today. Bet you can find something every day.

A big positive to start you off you have us.?.

Derbyshire lass you could be writing my story. Exactly what's happened to me but my gc are grown up. Unfortunately hearing lies about me for years has finally got through to them too . No longer needed for babysitting or taxi service. Tossed aside now. Well they can go whistle too.

OnwardandUpward I didn't ignore you my dinner was ready by the time I wrote my last post. You are so right the kinder you are the worst you are treated. I was very lucky growing up with a large extended family . All due to my mom and she made sure dad's siblings had a better life. Both my dad and husband had the families they should have had as children when they where adults.

You are sounding more at peace nowadays which is lovely to hear.

Sharon's you tube videos are really good and she knows what we feel like. As she is estranged herself.

Socks you sound more positive and happier as well.

Thanks so much Whiff, I think I am getting the full picture now. It's only been a matter of months for me, so this will be the first Christmas without them. I probably was a bit raw when I first came here as it was all so new and unbelievable. Thanks ladies for being here

I watched a few of Sharon's videos, they are very good. Poor lady. I am guessing her EAC may know she has published books and made videos and they still have not come back.

Onwardandupward. I understand that too. I thought the other day don't send any cards to that household. They all blocked me even GC who are grown up. So I'm letting them all stew in their own juice. I can knit for the local neo natal hospital. I may donate to something like that girls oversea charity. At least it won't be squandered on fans and booze

Fags