SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

So sorry for your tears Hilltop xx

Fingers crossed Pixie that your kind & thoughtful son gets married and gives you some GC to love. xx

Onward I would send my son an e-card every year on his birthday & Xmas [had no contact add] On the last year I thought the same as you I'm not sending him a card this year but on the day of his birthday I just couldn't not send one. I had never had any reply over the 6yrs of his estrangement, so wasn't expecting anything. One month later, out of the blue' I got a long email from him. a month after that he came back home to live and is still with me now. We get on very well indeed, as we did before all this. So just goes to prove you never know what's round the corner for you!

}}}Hugs{{{ to all on here and some too.

Oh yes, we've been scapegoated BIG time haven't we Onward. So convenient to have your parent(s) to blame for every failure you've ever had and for every wrong decision ever taken.

They must be so proud of themselves, to have become what they have despite the awful childhood and parents they were lumbered with.

Oh I remember that Yogin like it was yesterday. Those of us here at the time were so thrilled and it's wonderful that he's still there with you.

If I remember correctly there were no recriminations from him, just 100% responsibility for how he'd behaved. It always makes me smile when I think of the two of you together again

Yogin so glad you got your son back. Nice to hear a happy ending . ?

Just finished Sharon's book. Really good. Funny enough done and do lot of things she suggests.

One she mentions finding a family. Think that's what we have here. A family to be proud of . Who will support us when we need it but also give us a shake if we need it. A lovely extended family .

Yesterday I was at the bus stop. Always at least 10 mins early and was thinking about all the different types of love and what we do and put up with for love. So lost in thought saw the bus coming and only remembered to put my hand out at the last minute. ??. Luckily the bus drivers here are lovely but did say sorry. Need to watch what I am thinking about today.

Wise words as usual Smiles. We are easy targets for our children to blame . Always easier to blame someone else instead of facing what the real problems are in your life.

Modern technology makes it to easy for people nowadays to get rid of their parents . Email or text and problem solved. But you can't fight back against an email or text or even a hand written letter. Because if you try you get deleted or the letter is returned unopened .

So no point. At least with my son it was a clean break zero contact. Not a constant dip dip of abuse and blame.

On a happier note. I did some walking exercises without my stick yesterday. Must admit I was pleased. Wouldn't go outside without my stick that would be asking for trouble.

Last class next week of the year. Christmas party the week after. Then I will be in mantainance class in January. It's only because I have completed the basic 12 weeks. Aren't ready for Jane Fonda yet?.

Craft group this afternoon. Will wrap up warm as it was frosty this is. ?

Have a good day everyone ?

So good to hear what you're up too Whiff.

We go home on Sunday after a lovely stay, so much so that we may come for Christmas next year. I was saying to Mr. S. how much easier and more peaceful life feels here.

This is the first time we've been here so late in the year and it's been great. Warm and cosy and very relaxed. There are a few staying for Christmas and have put up their trees and outside decorations and lights; it all looks lovely.

I'm glad you liked the book. I read it in the early stages of our estrangement and it was like being given a verdict of innocent which, especially in the early days is so important because the guilt we feel is so oppressive and silencing.

What we do here is very important. The support and understanding we give and receive and for those whose estrangement is new, a glimmer of the light that really does exist at the end of the long, dark and hostile tunnel we feel trapped in.

I agree that we here are a family. Strange isn't it to have been so badly hurt by members of your actual family, and find one another on the internet. This is the place to unburden your pain, share the positives we have in our lives and where strangers become friends.

Hello Everyone....yes we are like a family on here. A family that cares and doesn't judge.

Whiff...well done on the walking, I should really but had my covid jab yesterday and I'm a mass of aches and pains. I do suffer from fibromyalgia. Most of the time it's manageable but whenever my body is stressed for whatever reason, including vaccinations, I do seem to have a bit of a flare up. Never mind, it's in a good cause. Flu jab next Monday and hopefully that's me done for a while.

Smiles.....your holiday home sounds wonderful. I bet Christmas would be magical.....especially if it snowed.

Well I think my sons ears have been burning. Either that or he has had a Damascene conversion.

He sent me a text inviting himself for a visit at the weekend. Not sure if his delightful wife will be coming. Obviously I would prefer it if she doesn't but I will be gracious if she does. ??.

Anyway I've had several chatty texts from him and he even asked me how I was after having had my covid jab. Could have knocked me down with a feather because, as I have said before, just lately the conversations have been terribly one sided......all about him and zero interest in me.

I think he's feeling guilty. Well good, because he needs to. I am not going to be difficult but I won't be killing the fatted calf and hanging up the bunting.

I wonder if all this niceness is because it will soon be DILs birthday, plus Christmas on the horizon.

Cynical, Moi???? ?.

We shall see what shall see. Que Sera and all that.

I can truthfully say that I am over the initial shock and am actually feeling quite relaxed, so whatever happens next I feel quite sanguine.

Yes I still have the odd low day, but if I'm truly honest I think that is more down to missing my husband than missing my son and DIL. And it has to be said, my life is so much more peaceful now. I feel a lot less stressed now that I'm not constantly walking on eggshells, sleeping better, no anxiety attacks.

I am really looking forward to 2022 and the next phase of my life. I shall be glad to kiss 2021 goodbye.

? and hugs to all.

DerbyshireLass that's very painful to have. I know someone who has got it.

A loss of the love of your life far outs the lose of a son. Or it is my case and I suspect in others here. For me the years don't ease that loss. Just makes it worse because he has missed so much. Also because I have been ill since I was 29 always thought I would die first. Never him.

But we have to carry on and I live my life for him as well. Otherwise I would be letting him down. Feeling weepy today it's really silly I have a cold. Don't get one very often but they make me miserable. Cancelled my Covid booster for tomorrow and rebooked it for the 7th. Didn't go to craft group as by lunchtime couldn't get warm .

One good bit of news my GP has sent the prescription for my new heart tablet to the pharmacy hopefully get them delivered tomorrow.

It's so stupid getting weepy over a cold. I cope really well with everything else . No matter what new thing is wrong I just get on with it.

Hope your son comes on his own and behaviours himself. Last thing you need his all his woes. You are right to be syndical I would be to.

Smiles your lodge sounds so beautiful. My husband always wanted to have Christmas in a lodge in Scotland but I wouldn't. I used to say wait until the children are older . But we didn't have time. But we had a wonderful life together all be it cut short.

Right need to give myself a good talking to and get out of this pity me mood.

Whiff I don't know what it is about colds but they make you feel really crap don't they. Good news about your heart medication. I hope it does the business and you'll soon be feeling the benefit.

Well, well well DSL looks as if your son isn't finding his life without you as great as he though it would be. I hope he comes alone and you have some quality time together.

I know you'll do this anyway but keep your guard up love. Sorry if that puts a damper on it but you need to be careful. Our love for them makes us vulnerable.

Whiff, Sorry you’re feeling weepy and not well. I was like that last week, had an infection and felt so down, different story this week. I’m sure when you’re cold is gone and you get those heart tablets, you will be on top form.
Now I have finally, after so many years, made that emotional break from my d, I feel myself feeling more my old self each day, I still think that the emotional toll of hoping things will change for something I didn’t instigate, is very damaging, we take on a kind of guilt, but we have done nothing wrong, it’s them that should feel guilt but don’t and are at fault. It came to me that my d would not know if I was alive or dead, that is in my book, shameful and I am ashamed of her, the money I would have spent on presents I have already spent on myself.
Lovely very light but very warm down long line jacket.

Good for you Alsorts spending on yourself I'm sure is better. I'm going to be better off too due to not spending on them. I can only think I've be written off incase I need them more than they need me. But I hope to prove them wrong. I'm going to be mobile and healthy for as long as possible.

What it does Socks, when you finally let go, is free you to put yourself first, not something most of us do, families come before us. I married quite young and had my children, so I’m making the most of doing things just for me. I think a lot of young people despite the help we give them are worried they might end up being asked to care, as if we are a burden.

Socksandsocks01 thats a really good idea. If only I could knit! Thats so positive!

The crazy thing is, there are young people "out there" who would give their arm to have parents to care for them or grandparents to be there for them- and yet we are not valued by those we brought up. The phrase "They don't know they are born" springs to mind!

Glad to say back to my old self . Been awake since 4 so made a cup of tea . Sitting in bed as I don't get out until 7 . I like my day planned it keeps me sane?. Accurately have that on my medical records. Not that bluntly. When I first got ill my GP got me to see a psychiatrist to rule that out. He knew it was physical what was happening to me but to stop any specialist saying that it was in my mind. My husband hated it. She spoke to me by myself and examined me. Then had him in. He sat arms folded with a face like thunder . Only answered yes or no. In the end she said Mr .... you don't think your wife should be talking to me. He let rip poor woman looked shell shocked. He didn't swear but told her told her what he thought. Always my hero coming to my rescue.

Don't get me wrong we argued but never about important things . He was a devil think he picked an argument so we could make up??.

Allsorts so glad you have let go. You can now put yourself first and find peace . Spoil yourself. It was a hard decision for you but now you can have peace of mind . Stress like this can have knock on physical effects. And your body starts fighting against you. Think of all the things you would like to do . Planning for future things is great fun. As parents we always put our children's needs and wants ahead of ourselves no matter how old they get. When really we need to concentrate on ourselves. Especially as we get older and our bodies start to work against us.

It never entered my head I wouldn't look after my parents and mother in law after my husband died. It was the way I was brought up. My husband asked me to take care of his mom even though I hated her and she got worse with age I never gave up on her. Taking my mom into my home I did because she need looking after. Couldn't put her into a home.

But I never wanted that for my children . And especially now I only have my daughter. I don't want to have to go into a home but will do if I need to. But doing everything possible to keep my mind and body active so I don't need to. But who knows what the future may hold.

Socks good for you. Healthy mind healthy body. If you are like me you find a way of doing things if your body won't let you do it the conventional way. I use the handle of my walking stick to hook things off supermarket shelves if it's to low or to high. Not fresh stuff but other things. We have to make our world work for us not the other way round.

Very true OnwardandUpward. Unfortunately our estranged children don't see it that way. We are disposable . Hopefully karma will bite them in the butt one day and realise just what they have done. But by then it will be to late.

Take care everyone.

Thank you Smiles and Whiff

Wish you well with your walking Whiff and hope that cold is all but gone now.

Hope you're feeling better now Derby after your jab.

Good morning Everyone

Great post Whiff, wise words.

Letting go of hurt, resetting, managing stress and better self care. These are so important as we age, even more so for those of us who are living solo. We have no one to take care of us, so we have to step up to the plate and take good care of ourselves. It is not selfish, it is self preservation.

Self care is often derided as mere vanity. It isn't, it goes much deeper than that. . My advice is to start thinking about our own needs and yes even a few wants. Why not splash the cash on ourselves for a change.

We have done our level best for our children, in my case making financial sacrifices and investing time and effort in them, sometimes to my own detriment and neglecting myself in the process.

If our ACs throw all our love and care back in our faces well that's their loss. We know what we need to do. If they don't want our love, then we need to redirect that love towards ourselves. and to those who do love us.

I am buying Christmas gifts but I am most definitely scaling back this year. I spent a small fortune on Christmas last year, fancy food, gifts etc. My efforts weren't appreciated so this year I will save both my time and money and invest them in myself. No doubt Madam will smear me and call me "cheap" again.....??. But I wont be the one melting plastic again and racking up debt the way she will.

If our errant offspring don't need or want our love then they don't need or want our cash and time either. So we should spend it on ourselves without guilt or shame.

Life is short..........Eat the cake, Take the trip, Buy the shoes. ?.

2021 really rammed this home to me.......We only get one life. I am not going to waste mine on people who don't give a damn about me.

Fighting talk?? You betcha!! 2022 is going to be very different, a completely different way of thinking, of being, of living. A fresh start and a new life.

Thanks Yogi. Have spent a couple of days resting, not doing much. Feel tons better.

Chucking it down here, but need to go food shopping and run a few errands,

Hope you all feel better today. It’s rotten weather with dark days and Christmas just around the corner. All things to make us feel worse. The lovely adverts on the TV dont help with the idea families all sitting around a wonderful log fire.

I got a surprise text from my daughters eldest to ask if she can come and stay (along with her sister) in two weeks on a saturday night. I guess her mam or dad want to go out. Of course, I said yes and suggested that we could paint some christmas cards. They are both good at art and I have plenty of materials here for them to use. Sadly they aren’t allowed to paint at either of their parents houses as it makes a mess. I say, bring it on! People are more important and the mess gets cleaned up.

Come on all you warriors lets not make this Black Friday any worse. I am back to my painting and feel a bit positive today. Tomorrow might be a different story but at least my youngest son will be phoning then.

Take care and sending love and hugs to you all. ? ? ?

Hope everyone is feel well today, just been for my covid booster, the doctor has said because Ive had the Moderna booster but had the Astra Zeneca vaccine I may feel pretty unwell - hope not .
Whiff I know exactly how you feel (hence my previous post 'Why do I torture myself) when you looked at your DiL Instagram, as if we don't put up with enough, we go and add to our pain.

Does Karma bite anyone in the bum?

Were EAC here born into abusive families because of karma?

Were EPs here estranged by their adult children due to karma?

Would we really want to wish either onto anyone else?

I much prefer the saying ' karma is only a bitch if you are "?

VioletSky you always want to pick at things. How about giving it a rest.?

Whiff it's something I've had to work on because I don't think it is healthy to think or hope harm might happen to people who have hurt us.

It would also hurt others around them.

My mum has said I am teaching my children to estrange me and she hopes they do.

Obviously I don't know what the future holds.

One thing I do know, estranging a parent can be incredibly painful. I don't want my children to go though that. Even if it wasn't painful, it is never easy to not have family support. Perhaps that is something my mother doesn't understand because she doesn't listen to me.

Allthough I don't wish harm to my mother now, I used to but it was only harming me to think that way really

It's great that you're feeling more like your old self Allsorts. You're right about the emotional and I think the physical toll it takes when you're constantly waiting and hoping for things to change.

The only thing we can change is how we deal with what's happened and beginning a new chapter, moving on and letting go is what's needed.

Me too Socks I've told DS I'll make at least 100, you should have seen his little face.

It's a strange world isn't it Onward, decent, kind and loving parents get thrown out with the rubbish and there are AC who never knew the love ours did, some who are still there for their parent(s) in old age despite the way they were treated.

Their loss as you say DSL and sadly our GC's loss too. That's what really gets you isn't it, innocent children missing out on so much. Not sure about Karma or reaping what you sow. None of us would be here if that were the case.

They may already know what they've done Whiff but they took it too far, let it go on for too long and now there's no going back. I'm sat here wondering what else you can do with that walking stick of yours.

"We have to make our world work for us, not the other way around" absolutely. I'm just loving the positive posts on here; awesome.

Making Christmas cards with your GD sounds lovely PP. Do you know what I think when I see the Christmas ads? All that food, just think how much weight they'd pile on if it was for real and they gorged on all that food.

Teaching by example, well I think there's something in that. Teaching your children that anyone's disposable including your own parents. What would they say I wonder 'but I'm your mum/dad' then perhaps the response would be 'well you did it to your parents didn't you'.

"karma is only a bitch if you are" now that's karma I can see making sense Bridie.

So VioletSky none of your children have estranged you . So you no idea what that feels like.

You have talked at great length what your mom did to you and that was awful.

But I in no shape of form abused my son in anyway nor did my late husband.

Do not tell me how to feel you have no idea what it feels to be me. Or any other estranged parents here. And don't you dare tell me what is healthy or not.

Others here like me know what you did to some posters.

And don't get my message deleted as I will get it reinstated.

I try very hard to ignore you but enough is enough.

In my case I taught my children that they don't have to tolerate abuse from anyone. I will always teach them that message. I hope they will always remember it.