Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

I had a wealthy friend, some years ago, who had twins. A boy and a girl.

They both attended day prep school, and then were both sent to separate very good boarding schools, at 11.

The idea was to give them an excellent education and contacts that would help them in the future.

The boy absolutely hated it, and they had two years of ructions before he finally settled down.

The girl, on the other hand, loved it and thrived, from the start.

Both are now very high flyers in their chosen careers, and both have good relationships with their family..

Perhaps it depends on the pastoral care at individual schools, and the personality of the child.

I did feel sorry for the boy though, he was unhappy for a long time, before adapting.

There are a lot of factors to be taken into account aren't there DL. The child's personality, availability and suitability of pastoral care and the reason(s) for sending the child in the first place.

2 years is a long time for child to adapt and settle down, must have been a difficult time for him and his parents. Good to know that it was a positive experience for both in the end, and that they have successful careers and good relationships with their families.

I don't have any experience of boarding schools but in the context of a support thread like this one, if it contributed to ACES or a difficult relationship with parents its is factor worth considering

Yes VS, it was the ACES that made it seem relevant.

Not all ex boarders identify their parent as "toxic" although it seems quite a high number do. There seems to be a fairly common pattern of denial until middle age or when something traumatic happens, and then buried understanding of what happened as a child starts surfacing.

Evidently women tend to show different signs of ACES to men in terms of boarding. I wonder if that is the same for sons and daughters experiencing abusive childhoods/toxic parenting aka your thread title.

The Boarding School Survivors Programme (developed by Nick Duffell) runs separate programmes for men and women and focuses on identifying ACES and how these impact on one's responses as an adult to different circumstances.

That's wonderful that there is help available for people who struggled with it.

Triggers are extremely difficult, even when you know you have them.

I didn't wake up to my childhood until I had a nervous breakdown. Sure I was not happy in the relationship but even friends being shocked by things my mother said or did, weren't enough because of that internal feeling of not being good enough and deserving of bad treatment.

Lots of people wake up to it in different ways.

I could guess that even a child who had a good relationship with parents might unknowingly suffer with attachment or abandonment issues after attending boarding school

I'm sure that the home/family life as well as the personality of the child have a bearing on the boarding experience

This is a difficult one isn't it. A child removed at a young age from a happy family life may experience real trauma by that removal. They have been a confident child until this experience floored them and then they can't cope, or have to find new ways of coping. A common response is shutting down emotions (certainly an aspect "taught" in BS in the past, but maybe changed now, different world today) and this can carry on into adult hood, impacting on many aspects of life including relationships. Another common one is "being a coper" "never needing/asking for help" often stated as "boarding made me independent!" Kneejerk responses to any concern "I'm fine"! Ofcourse other experiences might also create those and other traits but here are quite a few commonly found in ex boarders regardless of home life or personality.

The strength I think of the BS survivors programme is the goals on identification of childhood causes of adult behaviours and a focus on moving beyond those behaviours to something better. A focus on Recovery, as in the title of the thread.

I could guess that even a child who had a good relationship with parents might unknowingly suffer with attachment or abandonment issues after attending boarding school

Indeed.

If you can't recognise these issues or ACES in yourself, you can't recognise how those issues impact your own relationships or children.

You can't recognise how your own methods of coping might be harmful to others who need or want to do things differently.

It becomes infectious in a way I suppose

My head has been awful lately.

In the way my mental health causes issues with physical health I think my physical health and trying to level off after stopping thyroid medication and perimenopause seems to impact my mental health.

I've done with the housework so going to take the book into the garden and see if I can get my chapter done, maybe more.

If I can somehow disconnect those ties I think life will be much easier

My father was a diplomat so we all went to boarding school when we were 11. I was fuelled by reading Enid Blyton books of Mallory Towers where everything was great fun and friends for life ethos. How could I have been so wrong?

I was to,d that if I was still unhappy after a year I would be taken away. I was and asked to be moved but no. I can still remember that sick, miserable feeling in my stomach and head as we got nearer to the school after every holiday, half term or exeat. My mother resented us two elder children being home as she found the two younger ones easier to deal with so she intended us to stay at school for a long as we could. 7 miserable years, the impact of which I am still trying to deal with.

That must have been awful Lucy and compounded by the fact you were told that after the first year if you were unhappy you'd be able to leave, to find that that wasn't the case.

I agree Madgran that a child going to boarding school at a young age could experience real trauma. Something that should be picked up by the parents as well as the school.

If it's a matter of convenience on the part of the parents, I can see that any signs would be conveniently ignored where the welfare of the child is secondary.

No one knows how a child will respond until the placement takes place. I'm sure there have been cases where an outgoing and confident child was unable to settle to the surprise of their parents, and a more introvert and shy child was happier than initially thought possible.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

7 miserable years, the impact of which I am still trying to deal with

Yes LucyLocket And brave when you admit it. Interestingly many boarders never get to that point.

This isn't about something being witnessed whilst the child experienced it. It is the impact that is left from the experience which is different.

From the book

Interesting VS

It is, and the book is careful to point out that its not always a parents fault if they weren't attuned enough or were dealing with other issues which impacted their childs development

But it is all preventable with the right support and education

Interestingly many boarders never get to that point.

You appear to be saying that there are many who won’t admit they were traumatised by boarding school presumably because they are in self denial ? Is this what you mean? Do you have experience of this or is it just your opinion?

I wasn't suggesting self denial, everyone is different. I was referring to Nick Duffell's book and research and findings.

Yes I have experience.

LucyLocket I'm so sorry you were left in a situation you weren't happy in

Agedp1953

How fantastic for you that you did not see anyone dealing with issues at boarding school.

I must admit, but find this whole conversation about toxicity and middle age trauma a bit of a modern day concoction where abuse can be applied to almost any and every situation. Goodness knows what todays children weaned on this stuff will come out with in the future.

I find this however so completely degrading to those that did, and to the younger generation. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be so dismissive though.

Lucy

How horrible

hi again.
i've finally finished reading the 350+ posts on here, most of which have been interesting, informative, enlightening. we're now at aces (thank you, and for the whole thread, violetsky) and boarding school (thank you madgran).
i now need to catch up on some of the links kindly included.
"together" we've pored over many aspects of childhood abuse, and "where to go from here". for me there's a big question of whether this is the right moment to put other aspects of my life on temporary hold, while i read and discuss and plumb the depths. there are certainly many people watching/contributing to this thread with insightful and positive understanding to contribute.
on the other hand ...
i'll be back!

Riete; I totally understand having to make that decision. It is a huge undertaking that needs to be done, but is now the right time?

ACES was not something I have read much about, but will do so now. I am glad that the scientific community, and much of society as a whole, is recognizing that trauma as a child can and does affect adult lives and can lay dormant until middle age. Younger generations are also recognizing that good mental health is a part of a healthy lifestyle.

I do not have experience with boarding school. Where I am in the US it is not a common thing, though it is more on the east coast where there is big money. I have never understood it TBH, but do understand that in some societies it is a normal occurrence.

Sometimes we have to heal without bullying parents and sometimes we have to heal despite bullying parents

But either way, healing is possible

I have a few women friends who enjoyed boarding school.
I’ve never met a man who wasn’t wretched at BS. I have 5 close male friends now aged 50-73. Without exception, they hated BS and still feel traumatised by their time there. They still struggle with intimacy, would never send their own children to BS