Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Iam64, I somehow mistakenly thanked AmberSpy, who was of course gracious in her response, but of course it was meant for you. ?

freedom I read this earlier and thought it might be useful

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists

That is a very accurate list. I still haven't ordered the books. I have been utterly lazy the last few days!

Shelbel, hugs to you.

V3ra, I know in my case, the toxic behavior I grew up with was normal for me. It was not until I got out in the world and had my own kids that I learned that her behavior was anything BUT normal.

I, too, am the eldest. I married young to get out. A marriage that she had a hand in destroying. Since I am her favorite scapegoat, she hates for me to have anything that is my own. I wish I had known that back then.

I'm also the eldest and Beelzebub in action

I am also the eldest!

My mother was alone when I was little and my first memories are not good. As much as I don't like my controlling stepdad, at least the physical abuse stopped when he moved in

I am also the eldest..
My mum is still making life difficult for me - not going into detail.

The reason to work these things out and come to terms with them is because the effect it has on us as people.

We are not simply picking over the past. Mother’s that control and criticise you as a young person can have a big effect on your emotions and self esteem for the rest of your life.

Obviously these mums have had their own issues, and I understand that.

But what’s important to me is my mental health. I had counselling for the first time last week, and I wish I’d done it years ago.

He wasn’t blaming my mum - we both recognised the harm she continues to do - but it’s about building my self esteem and so helping me enjoy my life.

Mental health is so important

Counseling has been the best thing for me Hakuna, as does talking with people in similar situations.

Lately, I have been trying to understand my mother more. Why she is the way she is. I guess that is the road to forgiveness. Though I am not looking to forgive her right now, I hope it will come eventually. Maybe I am looking for the reason as to why she made the choices she did in order to understand how a mother could hurt a daughter or a grandchild so that it makes sense to me?

This is definitely a lifelong journey.

Violetsky. What a refreshing post. So brave and helpful. Don't let the dross damp the fire .

Counselling was so helpful to me too.

Mollymalone thank you

I have started The Body Keeps the Score and it is so interesting

Understanding can I think ease the road to forgiveness freedom but I think the ability to forgive comes in it's own time.

There are some things that will never make sense; questions to which there will never be answers. Perhaps being able to forgive requires transcending these things.

freedomfromthepast

Counseling has been the best thing for me Hakuna, as does talking with people in similar situations.

Lately, I have been trying to understand my mother more. Why she is the way she is. I guess that is the road to forgiveness. Though I am not looking to forgive her right now, I hope it will come eventually. Maybe I am looking for the reason as to why she made the choices she did in order to understand how a mother could hurt a daughter or a grandchild so that it makes sense to me?

This is definitely a lifelong journey.

I think, sometimes, its less about forgiveness, and more about accepting, throughout life, that some people are angry, unpleasant, and full of spite. There’s not always an “acceptable” reason or excuse.

You can’t change their behaviour, all you can change is how you react to it. Accepting the past is what it was and can’t be changed, being at peace with yourself, and enjoying the future, is a great healer.

Those that have harmed us don’t always deserve forgiveness. Nice if you can forgive, but you’ve got nothing to apologise for if you can’t.

?

DiamondLily I competely agree with you there

Some people need to forgive their abuser to move on.

Some need to stop forgiving their abuser to move on.

Some need to forgive themselves for blaming themselves, not putting a stop to it sooner or anything that occurred due to abuse that was out of the victims control at the time because they were still under their influence.

I think forgiveness should always start with ourselves

One of my daughters uses alcohol to "cheer herself up" when depressed or anxious. Despite her being the most horrid person when drunk she still thinks she is not dependent on alcohol. When I asked her to give it up for 6 months and offered to give up facebook for 6 months she made excuses and put it all on me. She has been better since by husband died in February but sometimes when she talks to me on the phone I can tell by her tone she has been drinking even if she is not drunk. Everyone tells me no one can help her until she admits there's a problem. I sometimes dread it when she calls as I have to think twice about everything I say so as not to start her off. I love her but sometimes I don't like her. I am worried what she is doing to her liver too.

MaggsMcG I'm not sure this is the right thread for your issue, maybe you should start a new one so that others can see your need and support you

VioletSky

DiamondLily I competely agree with you there

Some people need to forgive their abuser to move on.

Some need to stop forgiving their abuser to move on.

Some need to forgive themselves for blaming themselves, not putting a stop to it sooner or anything that occurred due to abuse that was out of the victims control at the time because they were still under their influence.

I think forgiveness should always start with ourselves

Yes, I do think that anyone harmed by their parents, as children, in any way, needs to shake off the guilt and the feeling of somehow being responsible for how their parents behaved.

Parents are the adults, and the children are powerless in that situation.

All they can do, as adults, is to make sure they are better parent/parents than their one/s are or were.

Alcohol is the worse thing if you're feeling depressed Maggs as 9 times out of 10 it lowers the mood even more.

I understand your concern but unfortunately she needs to recognise she has a problem and seek appropriate help.

You say she's been better since February, so that is a positive. Do you know what the cause(s) of her depression and anxiety is? It may help you to help her if you know what's upsetting her.

I think forgiveness is for the forgiver. So that they don’t carry the weight

It does not mean allowing the offending person back into your circle

I agree Summerlove.

Exactly, Summerlove

I think that there's often confusion between 'forgiveness' and 'reconciliation'.

I also think that forgiveness is a highly personal thing, and not something that can be demanded or expected or prescribed.

For some people, they see 'forgiveness' as saying what happened will no longer impact their present/future. Others see it as letting go of the pain as best they can, but never forgetting. There are some that weaponize the concept of forgiveness as well, using it as a bludgeon or goad, ex: "You should be over this by now." "I thought you were *insert religion here*"

I think it's as variable as the person involved. For myself, I find a lot of value in Maya Angelou's words, especially, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." and "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I think you are correct DiamondLily, VS and MercuryQ. I have accepted she is who she is. Maybe that is not why I am not seeking forgiveness and feel a bit ambivalent about forgiveness as a whole.

So many words that also have many meanings but with more importance...

Like happiness and peace

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean you want reconciliation. I hope to be able to forgive one day but reconciliation is definitely notwhat I am seeking.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". It's hard though when you've known someone their entire life, thought you knew them only to discover you didn't know them at all.

Yes Smileless, that was one of my dear mothers sayings, when people show you what they are like believe them, also, be a little kinder than necessary as you don’t know what troubles they have.