Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

maddy it is never too late to take your power back

Thanks Sara1954 you're so right. I've tried not to go NC, but Im LC...

I was told in therapy that I was abused by a narcissist. I think many of us were.

I copied and pasted this in case its helpful :-

Female narcissists exclude other women who they perceive to be competition: whether in social activities, praise, attention, or even just basic respect. If you are encountering a female narcissist who seems to go out of their way to be vicious toward you, recognize why. It’s not because of your lack of worth, merit or power - it’s because of it. You threaten them and they rely on dimming the light of others in order to gain any semblance of shine. You deserve to be included in circles that nourish and support you - so only include those who have the empathy and energy to do so. In this context, exclusion from toxic people is a gift.

I hope it helps someone. The truth hurts, but it can also help us draw a line and make sense, in order to move on and heal. x

Thank you Violet, and you’re correct of course. I’m just a bit annoyed with myself for not understanding the problem before. I just knew that things weren’t right and my mother was the reason. But then again, I started to know she was different than other mothers as a child. At ten years old I’d worked out that other mothers were kind and caring towards their children, whereas my mother wasn’t. I did have a lovely dad though and he loved us children very much.

OnwardandUpward your therapist was right. Children of narcissistic mothers are abused.It’s emotional abuse mainly but can be physical abuse too. I think I’ll never heal or have peace until mother is no more. I recognised that long ago, even though I’d never heard the word narcissist, or if I had, I presumed it just meant love for oneself, which it is, but in actual fact it manifests itself in all the cruel behaviours that our mothers engaged in.

Maddyone
I had the same experiences, gradually I realised my mother was different to other mothers.
Some families had fun together, laughed, hugged, put themselves out for each other, and my friends mums were welcoming and kind, and some of them were very kind to me, and seemed to tolerate me always hanging around.
Like you, my dad was kinder.

I remember being young and going to friends houses and just thinking I was bad and that's why I wasn't loved like they were. Just little things like, mum writing a shopping list and asking if they needed anything and them saying, I need deodorant and sanitary towels...

My mum didn't even tell me about periods, she didn't buy me deodorant. She didn't buy me my first bra. All those subjects were taboo. I actually stole my first bra because I was bullied at school, I stole one of her razors so I could shave my legs. I used her conditioner because she only bought me shampoo and my hair needed it. All things I thought made me bad when she lost her mind at me, not her for neglecting me.

My dad was also good to me, it does help.

The problem is that as children we knew there was something different about our mothers, but didn’t know what it was. I grew up thinking her behaviour was normal even though I knew other mothers behaved differently. It takes a lot of time to finally realise what’s going on, and in fact it took most of my adult life.

VioletSky
A lot of your experiences mirror mine, almost every subject was out of bounds, I didn’t know about periods, a kindly headmistress explained it all, and convinced me I wasn’t dying!
So many things made me feel ashamed and a bit disgusting, perfectly normal things, like as you have said, deodorant, hairwashing, I used to go to a friends to wash my hair, or if she was out, I’d wash it in the sink with washing up liquid!

Aww all of those things are neglect, really sad. Mine was pretty good with those things because she was always concerned with keeping up appearances to others, but it was the emotional abuse that crippled me more- and no one seemed to notice that.

For those of you had both physical neglect and emotional neglect, I am so sorry. You deserved so much and got so little. I can't even find the right words, but am so sad for you.

OnwardandUpward
I always feel really guilty whinging about my childhood, because so many people have endured so much worse.
We were at least fed and clothed, and nobody beat us

Don't feel guilty. Yes many people have endured worse, but it doesn't invalidate your own suffering. We have all suffered different things in different ways, some that we haven't talked about.

I think the worst parents have got to be Fred and Rose West or people who kill their kids.... but still, in order to process things we do need to talk about them so don't feel guilty.

We had the same mum, shame we didn't get to be sisters!

Please never feel guilty, it's widely understood that emotional abuse is just as damaging as other types of abuse now. I've had all the types and I think the emotional abuse by my mother damaged me the most and was the hardest to finally see and overcome

Violetsky
I would have liked a sister

Sara1954

Violetsky
I would have liked a sister

I have 2 but one was adopted and another grew up in another country

I would have loved to grow up with a sister

I’ve got a sister, but she was very damaged by her upbringing and now suffers from severe mental health problems and is also alcoholic. She did go completely no contact with the whole family, not just our mother, for seven years. In that time she had a complete breakdown (set off to kill her mother in law with a knife in her hand) and then received two years of treatment by a psychiatrist. She appeared to recover and made contact with the family again, but after her husband died, she deteriorated again. At this point in time I’m not in contact with her because of the vicious texts she sends and the way she behaves. A relationship is no longer possible with her.

That's so sad Maddyone . I'm so sorry for you and for your sister, and I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion.

The things my siblings and I have gone through make it impossible to have a close relationship. Everything is superficial because they have secret lives that the parents don't know about. I have started to do the same. They are more closely bonded to parents than I am and live in fear. We all do a bit. Its probably trauma bonds rather than love, anyway.

I am popping in to say that I recognize everything you all are saying with my own mother.

I do have 2 sisters. One I am very close with, the other (the GC) is a clone of my mother. I can't imagine living my life without my close sister.

I am still dealing with my mothers hospitalization and estate. The nice thing is that I saw my mother twice this week and we got along well. I know that never lasts, but it important that it happens while she is recovering.

I’m so sorry freedomfromthepast, there do seem to be rather a lot of us don’t there? You’re right in saying that sometimes we can appear to get on okay with our mothers, but as you say, it never lasts. Both you and onwardandupward mention poor relationships with siblings. It goes to prove how these situations affect all the children in a family. It’s really sad.
My sister has moved on towards having a very toxic relationship with our mother. Since she lives 250 miles away she doesn’t have any of the day to day responsibilities that I have. She phones mum up and speaks to her for an hour or more a day. This from the daughter who didn’t speak to her mother for seven years at one point. Unfortunately for my sister she has now cut off three of her adult children and consequently she has cut off eight grandchildren too.

I know it doesn’t suit everyone, but for me a total break was the only way, I am so relieved I did it, twenty years ago now, and I know that nothing will ever make me talk to her again.
The only thing that saddens me slightly, is that although my brother and his family haven’t exactly cut me off, they have definitely distanced themselves.

I had to make mine a total break too Sara because I just couldn't stop trying to have a good relationship with her which was allowing her to hurt me. I had to protect myself.

Some people are able to low contact and it is enough but when I trued to distance my mother just tried harder to make life difficult.

Maybe if I had known or understood what she was at a much younger age I could have handled things differently and set the tone for our relationship with both of us being adults but I was too mired in thinking her behaviour was my fault.

With the wealth of knowledge and support available now, people are picking up on it younger. I guess time will tell if that has different outcomes

Thank you for beginning this post Violetsky. I can see that you had a difficult childhood in many ways and I hope you can move on positively with your life.

Already have Antonia

With the right help and support I was able to come off anti depressants

I went back into education in my 40s and now have a job I love

Went to a therapist and then counselling

Had a bit of a crisis with my health but almost recovered now.

Have times like anyone when I feel sad and wish I could have had a good mum but they happen less and less

Estranging was the best thing I could have possibly done and I only hope talking about it helps others going through the same thing

Maddyone that's such a shame about your sister! It really does affect all generations, unless someone does the hard work in therapy and stops passing it on.

Freedomfromthepast so sorry you're knowing that the good feelings with your Mother are temporary. I know that feeling. Just as she lies about the others to me, I know it will soon be my turn to be lied about. I am realistic. She has told me terrible things about my siblings, which I know not to be true. One of my siblings tells me to have nothing to do with her, the other time limits her and the others have differing ways.

Yes I do seem to have fragile sibling relationships. I can explain why, from my perspective-
The reason (as I see it) is that my parent has caused dramas they they are at the centre of, everyone must revolve around them and serve them. No one must be close to each other because they must always be closer to her. She has pitted against each other as far back as I can remember.

Most people have sibling rivalry, naturally, but my mother has fed this and I have realised she actually enjoys the upset, confusion and hurt that ensues when she causes trouble within the family. Unfortunately one of my sons takes after her in this.

Violetsky that's awesome , well done about your education and job, therapy and moving forwards! I think accepting what is, can be healing and talking about it is definitely beneficial seeing as we have probably had our feelings invalidated our whole lives. (At least I have)

I hope I never invalidate anyone's feelings. I think when you have been through stuff it makes you not want to be like that or pass that on to anyone.

maddyone, like you, I was aware that other families were different, but assumed mine were (some variety of) 'normal'. There was always that awful guilt, thinking it must be all my fault. My own mother didn't love me - because I was (obviously) unloveable.

I've mulled it over my whole life. Why was she so vicious and nasty? Why would she be jealous of me? What was wrong with me? I was very pretty, maybe a little loud, perhaps hyperactive?

Onwardand Upward's 'female narcissists' fits her like a glove!

There have been compensations for the lack of a bond, though:

When she was very elderly, I tried my best to ensure that she was well cared for (she was ill, after all) but there was no anxiety, no panic or sleepless nights - just a calm, detached sense of duty. Any elderly person should be cared for, of course.

When my father died, I cried such a lot, it was so very sad.
When she died, there was no grief at all - just an overwhelming sense of relief - our troubles were over.

Reading all these posts is like my own life flashing before my eyes. I’m so sorry that we all have had to endure this. My family has a saying that I’m an only child and still not the favourite. Growing up I knew no different and recently I met a friend from my childhood, she asked after my mother then said she and her family were always so sorry for me as I had such an unloving mother. The fact they noticed validated what I went through and the fact that
I am now trying to make sense of the impact her narcissistic behaviour had on me my whole life. She now has dementia and is in care and I will never be able to confront her about how she treated me but even if I did she would deny it and belittle me to think it was my fault. Even knowing how narcissistic people work doesn’t take away the deep feelings I have. Luckily I have a very supportive family and for many years my own AC haven’t had anything but minimal contact with her as she tried to do the same to them despite me trying to protect them. I shall shortly be starting therapy to hopefully unravel it all and get some peace. Finding this thread has given me hope.