History repeating itself

It would take a lot more than what you’ve posted for me to “call it a day” with any of my children.

Do you have any examples of your daughter favouring her in laws other than spending Christmas with them this year?

You were invited to hers on Boxing Day. I think I must be missing something because I don’t know what is wrong with her saying “we’re not rushing”.

It seems like you see your grandchild often.

How are you sidelined?

As long as there's communication, which you have and you are seeing your D and GC, which you are, why are you thinking of "calling it a day" Lozlin?

Take it from me, estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 9 years, this is not something you will want to happen to you. That is a real test for one's sanity.

It's interesting that the title you've chosen is "History repeating itself". Is there a part of you that thinks that perhaps your D doesn't 'value' her relationship with you because for her, your H didn't 'value' his relationship with his own parents and estranged them?

I am not questioning the validity of your H's reasons for doing so but it does seem a curious title for this thread.

Have you discussed this with your D? Did she have a relationship with her GP's prior to the estrangement which then ended and if so, did you explain to her why this was the case?

If not, it may be worth pursuing in case her own child hood experiences are impacting on how she's behaving.

...for our own sanity, we had to estrange ourselves from them. Although they instigated the breakup, they never contacted us again...

It didn't take long before I was lost. You estranged, but they instigated the breakup?

?Someone had the, "Super Flu"? and you made plans to share a buffet? Hope you aren't talking about someone that might have Covid-19.

Since you asked, call it a day for tonight, but remember tomorrow is a new day and renewed opportunities abound.

I would ask if it is necessary to 'call it a day' or whether you can just accept the relationship you have, rather than the one you'd prefer. Does it have to be all or nothing?

Lozlin Please bare with me because this is purely speculation I know but basing this on issues that can occur after estrangement this is my advice.
You were in a difficult relationship for a long time and you put up some strong boundaries.

The problem can sometimes be that, those boundaries stay and are too strong and can impact other relationships and make expectations too high.

Some people don't express their love towards us the way we want or the way we express it but that doesn't mean they don't love us, they just don't communicate the same way.

What's different about her inlaws? Why are they the closer relationship? What problems or pressures aren't there?

Look for the positives, the happy times and replicate those with your daughter and SIL. Lower your expectations too a compromise. Ensure that you aren't too needy too involved in her private life or having her too involved in yours or relying on your daughter and grandchildren for your happiness.

Counselling is always very useful.

I hope things get better or you

How are you being taken for mugs? You are the ones who have your granddaughter at the drop of a hat, whenever the need arises, as the in-laws are providing support to their own daughter.
Don't you want to have your granddaughter? Have you ever said no? Or felt pressured to cancel something you'd have preferred to do instead and felt "taken advantage of" in looking after her?

As you see your granddaughter all the time it's maybe not unreasonable that they spent Christmas Day with the other grandparents.
(In those circumstances we would just have our own Christmas celebrations on a different day, we always do this when our sons' shift patterns mean they'll be working on the 25th).

You were invited to join the whole family on Boxing Day, which all sounds perfectly amicable and welcoming unless you really don't like them.
History will only repeat itself if you choose to let it happen ?

Why can't your relationship with your daughter be independent of her in laws? She has a family of her own now with extended people. Why not just enjoy each interaction you have and not weigh it up against them?

May I ask why you feel you are in a competition with your daughter's ILs?

Those posts do not give any reasons for you to pull the plug at all.
What I get from them is that you are not satisfied with the relationship you have now, so it's all or nothing?

I think you are looking for trouble.
Stop.

Lozlin, don't give up - and don't sweat the small stuff, it simply isn't worth it. Do stop comparing your daughter's relationship with her inlaws to your own.

Maybe become a bit devious? I certainly wouldn't have said that I could only be there for a couple of hours - as it's bound to raise the heckles.

'What time are we eating?' could seem a little rude too. Instead, ask about mealtimes 'As I need to know when to take my indigestion tablets/painkillers etc.

Then, you can just arrive late (my brother always does) and leave early - as 'My back is playing up/I think I'm starting a migraine etc. Just little white lies to ease things.

You get to see your daughter and GD, you babysit - and get invitations. Accept things as they are. Don't ruin everything because you feel 'sidelined' - that's just madness.

(heckles? hackles)

How very sad it would be to lose your daughter and your grandaughter. Do you really want to do this?

History repeating itself? Your FIL/MIL favoured one sibling over another. You don't mention any other children. Very different circumstances. Is this Grandparent jealousy?

As parents we take the lead on loving and giving. I think you're doing the right thing. You're not being mugs you're just being parents. Would you rather your DD's PIL use their 'wealth' to buy favour with your DD and squeeze you out?

Perhaps don't get too hung up on who sees who on Christmas day but enjoy the time you do have with DD and her family. Als, maybe if DD is an only child she is simply enjoying spending time with her SIL's family, being same age group. And she did want you both there on Boxing Day.

Your first few lines could have been my experience. We didn’t have the ‘ golden child ‘ scenario, but nonetheless, we ended up estranging.

Your children are different though, and to make such a harsh decision on a pre empted idea, is the slippery slope downwards.

Just enjoy what you do have, and don’t hanker over what you don’t. Situations change all the time, and in a few years, you could be more involved than your SIL’s parents, without realising how it happened.

Please don’t make this into a self fulfilling prophesy, as then you definitely won’t have them in your life.

Why would you wish to estrange?it’s a very extreme reaction. Is that what you want? You haven’t the relationship she has with mil, but a relationship nevertheless less. You can’t expect it to be 50/50. If your husband had a super cold he shouldn’t go anywhere for 5 minutes never mind to eat from the buffet. If anyone did that to me I would be very upset with them after 20 months being super careful.

A parent's love for a child is, or should be, unconditional love. However, sadly, it sounds as though your husband's love for your DD and DGD is conditional, possibly because he has been damaged by his own family's dynamic.

I have read your post twice and I cannot, for the life of me, see the slightest reason for cutting your DD and DGD from your life. Why would you put yourself through the pain of an unnecessary estrangement? Are you trying to punish DD for having a good relationship with her in laws, instead of being pleased for her? And why would you want to deprive your innocent DGD of loving grandparents?

And I agree with previous posters, why would your husband even consider putting his family's health at risk by eating from a buffet, when he has been unwell.

You've raised an important point IMO PF. It could well be that the OP's intolerance when it comes to family relationships is a result of his experience with his own.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I realise that your experience 20 years ago with your in-laws still hurts, but don't repeat their mistake with your own daughter.

There is no law giving you the right to see your grandchild at Christmas, you know.

I live in Denmark where the younger generation usually spend Christmas with the one set of parents/grandparents one year, and with the other the following. It saves a lot of this hard feeling about not being invited.

You were invited to your daughter on Boxing Day. Your husband was unwell, so you stayed at home. With hindsight it would have been more considerate of you just to ring your daughter and say that as her father was down with a cold, you couldn't come rather than expecting her to change her arrangements so you could come "for a couple of hours".

Did it strike either of you that handing a cold around as a Christmas present was unreasonable, or that the cold might just be Covid 19?

Please let this go and apologise to your daughter for your thoughtless suggestion.

Thank you for your response. Just for clarity, we do also take turns at Christmas, (Christmas Day one year, Boxing Day the next) which was discussed and agreed years ago when my daughter and son in law first became a couple, although I appreciate this information was not in my initial post. However, the year our granddaughter was born (in August 2019) it was our turn to have them for Christmas. My daughter advised that my SiL wanted to go to his parents instead, and so be it. We said ‘fine’ and it was said with good grace. This year was our turn to have them Boxing Day, however, in October my daughter advised that she was hosting Boxing Day for his family (having already been with them for Christmas Day) and invited us, which we were happy to accept, although it was not in the spirit of what had previously been agreed, but we let it go without comment. My daughter already knew her father was unwell prior to Christmas (we did not need to ring her to tell her this) and if you read my post, we did not ask them to change their plans in any way, we just asked if we could attend for a shorter period of time (which would not have impacted at all on their or their guest’s day, so I don’t think it could be classed as a thoughtless suggestion) and asked for a time frame (two, three hours) for the serving of the buffet, so we could arrive and depart and at no time inconvenience them or anyone else. My daughter just advised they ‘wouldn’t be rushing’. Fine, we didn’t ask them to rush, we just asked for a time frame. My husband had been unwell for two weeks (and yes, thank you, it did strike us that it may be Covid) prior to Christmas but the virus he had (which was not Covid, lateral flow tests having being taken every day) had taken its toll on him (he is awaiting heart surgery) so he felt he was unable to socialize for more than a couple of hours, but he wanted to see his daughter, SiL and granddaughter, as he had missed out on everything previously. After 2 weeks he was very unlikely to still be infectious with whatever cold virus he had had.
As a side note, thank you all for your comments and insights. Why did so many of you think I’d post here if what I commented on was just one incident? (There have been many slights by our daughter over the years, but you need to put them behind you, as many have said, and I hope we have). It would not have been appropriate to list them, but I understand how people thought I was just ‘ going off on one’ about Boxing Day. My mistake. In answer to someone’s comment about my husband valuing/not valuing his relationship with his parents, is 20 years of effort not enough? It nearly broke him. All he wanted was to value (he did them) and be valued by them in return. When we explained what had happen to our daughter, (14) (the final breakup) and asked her if she’d still like us to arrange contact with her grandparents, she said ‘no thanks , they never liked us anyway’ and I can assure you, she never heard anything like that from us. Please, don’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes, and please, if you respond to someone on this site, try to be kind, you might think they’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, but if they’ve posted here, they may be in distress, no matter what you think of their post. Your mole hill might just be their mountain. I know I am in distress presently, but I believe ‘all things must pass’, and I’m working to preserve my mental health. Please remember that when you post replies, other people may not be quite so robust. Again, thank you all, I hope you will accept this post in the way that it’s intended, which is not as a criticism of any you, as we all hold our own truths. Happy New Year to you all.

I'm still trying to Grasp what your daughters actual crime is?

She didn't know what time the buffet was going out because she was in the festive mood and going with the flow?

Lozlin I think part of your problem might be that our children can read us very easily. They know when things aren't right and there is bad feeling even if we say nothing.

There is a build up of bad feeling no matter what you have tried to put behind you.

They have tried to make boxing day about both families and probably guessed your reaction so when you cut your visit down, they have seen that as punishment.

This is what I am getting from what you have described.

I think you really need to take a step back and remember that you are wanted and you do matter and while it is not the way you wanted it that's jut life raising children. They go off and create their own families and we are not their priority

What other slights has your daughter committed over the years?

I’m still not any clearer on why you would want to “call it a day” with your daughter.

FYI. You need to take a PCR if you have symptoms and isolate until it is back. Lateral
Flow tests are not for symptomatic diagnosis. It may well
Have been Covid Sonia lucky you didn’t attend and spread it round!