Repairing estrangement

So very true Iam64 and it's precisely because of that that I'm perplexed as to exactly how joint therapy can be achieved when the very definition of estrangement is that one side is no longer communicating with the other; making any dialogue about mediation or joint therapy somewhat difficult. I'm fairly sure that I remember an EAC posting that they had suggested joint therapy with their estranged parent and received a less than warm response. I can see no different outcome if Allsorts were to suggest it.

Sara1954, of course I accept therapy/counselling isn’t for everyone.
I also agree with the point you made at 19.30 today that memories can differ.

To quote the Queen, ' recollections may vary'! Here lies the problem.

Thank you all. I have made my decision. She has what she wants, I won’t try anything else, I gave it my all, I can never forget what’s been said and done. Theres no way back from some things.
I do think a lot of those estranged will get back on track because the loves there and things get better with maturity and time.

I hope you feel better now that you’ve come to that decisionallsorts

It’s a hard one but you need to have a life without looking back all the time you owe that to yourself.

As you say with time comes maturity and perhaps an understanding. Who knows.?

I am someone who wanted to cut my mother off after over 50 years of nastiness and abuse but never did.
At one point she wanted to talk through our relationship but by that time I couldn't face her either denying what I would tell her about her behaviour or being conciliatory during the discussion but misinterpreting things I would have said afterwards and returning to her old ways.
I am not accusing allsorts of any of these things and it may be that her DD is a very difficult person. I am just pointing out that even if she gave real-life examples of what you did to upset her you might not recognise them or even remember them.
Unfortunately it is very hard when you feel like your parent has mistreated you. It is hurtful and cruel and still makes me angry if I think about it and my mother died in 2012.

I think when I was first estranged from my parent I would have agreed to joint therapy tbh if I felt it would have helped rather than the good person/bad person rhetoric
but maybe we are all different.

A big decision Allsorts and it has probably given you a huge sense of relief. Now concentrate on the rest of your family and take their love to fill the hole in your heart.
Wishing you a happy tomorrow and all the days following.

Memories can become distorted over time by both sides, so an AC's memories can be 'wrong', just as a parents can be.

As someone posted earlier, talking about the past may lead to one or both rethinking about what's past, may result in one or both seeing that they need to apologise or feel that there's nothing to apologise for.

As you have said Chewbacca, the very definition of estrangement it that there is no contact, no communication and without that, there is no possibility of reconciliation.

It's sad but I also feel Allsorts "that there's no way back from some things", somethings that have been said can never be unsaid, and some things that have been done, can never be undone.

The love remains, as does the pain of the loss.

A lovely post Jaylou.

Thank You Smileless2012

And for Allsorts

Dreadfully sad that people can love so much yet have to go sleep feeling so alone.

I'm so sorry, I don't have answers particularly, but all I can say is that at Christmas when I sent a gift (no words) to my GC, they sent gifts back- and then we just took a risk and turned up. They did let us in and we have seen them a handful of times since.

What we haven't done is discuss anything....I still don't know why- and I'm worried to spoil the now by bringing it up.

Maybe words are over rated - just send a gift, no strings?
Other than that I have no ideas and hope there are answers for all who seek them

About ten years before I estranged my mother, and while my dad was still alive, i distanced myself quite severely and very suddenly.
I stopped making my weekly duty visits, I hardly spoke when I saw them, they must have realised something had changed, but never mentioned it.
The fact was, nothing had happened, but I started remembering some things, not even specific things, more a sense of how it was for me when I was little.
How could I have ever articulated that? and yet the memories were so powerful, that when an opportunity arose for me to say, okay, that’s it, I grabbed it, and have never looked back.
I think prior to that, I felt that everything which was wrong was my fault, and then I knew it wasn’t.

Onwards and upwards, so glad that you have contact again.

Sara1954 , I also used to think everything was my fault and then realised it wasn't. I didn't estrange my parents though, they cut me off. Unfortunately the toxic runs deep in our family.

Thanks Allsorts I wish I could offer more help, but everyone is different so what works for one may not work for another. People can ignore a letter, but I think a gift is harder to ignore.

Onwardandupward I am so pleased it seems to have turned a corner for you ]smile] Everybody is different. For me it has worked letting so much 'go'. I do not bother about stuff anymore. We do not get upset, worry, overthink it, we just ignore! We find it much better being like this and having them in our lives than being constantly sick with grief that they are not.

It's been 9 years for us and there are still times when we get upset and worry about our ES and GC, but it's better than it used to be and we're no longer "sick with grief" that they're not in our lives anymore.

Letting things go for the sake of the relationship makes sense love0c and not raising the matter yourself Onward makes sense too.

I'm not in this position but I do have a sibling who barely bothers with me and it hurts a lot. Over the years I have been good to him but it isn't appreciated. His values are shallow - money, big cars etc. My point really is that we are all so different. We can't get inside anyone's head. I am emotional and get upset easily. My sibling is more selfish and hard-hearted. This is how human nature is. It's so sad that someone can turn their back on someone close to them but, in my case, I have just accepted he doesn't really care and I can't change that.

Allsorts

Thank you all. I have made my decision. She has what she wants, I won’t try anything else, I gave it my all, I can never forget what’s been said and done. Theres no way back from some things.
I do think a lot of those estranged will get back on track because the loves there and things get better with maturity and time.

I think you're wise. If she can't give any clue as to what the problem is, then there's nowhere to go with it. An apology, without having a clue why, would be totally pointless.

Discussion is the only way forwards, but if she won't, then that's her decision, and issue to deal with, and she needs to do what she needs to do, if she feels she has to.

Sometimes, if a relationship has got that bad, and one party refuses to discuss it, then for our own health and well-being, we need to walk away and accept the status quo.

Concentrate on those that love and value you.

If she wishes to ever contact you, then she can do that and you can decide whether to respond or not.

Best wishes ?

It isn't easy DiamondLily but it is the only way to look after and protect ourselves.

Smileless2012

It isn't easy DiamondLily but it is the only way to look after and protect ourselves.

No, but sometimes you have to admit defeat and look after yourself.

Constant stress and worrying, and trying to do some sort of "Eggshell dance", frightened to say anything, in case it upsets or offends, is no good for anyone.

Although I'm living my life without any hope or expectation that things will ever be resolved, I'm not the sort of person who can shut, bolt and lock the door.

I am always willing to forgive someone who is able to be accountable and apologise.

I can't trust people who aren't accountable for their actions and don't apologise so I could never be happy in a relationship with someone like that. I don't know how anyone could.

I've always been sensitive person and that has never caused any issues in my other relationships, the opposite actually.

It is definitely mind over body.

The last few days I have found myself genuinely hungry twice and it made me realise that, that is a feeling I hadn't actually really felt for a while and also that it is a feeling that really isn't all that terrible!

Sorry wrong post lol. Forget which one I am on half the time

VioletSky

Although I'm living my life without any hope or expectation that things will ever be resolved, I'm not the sort of person who can shut, bolt and lock the door.

I am always willing to forgive someone who is able to be accountable and apologise.

I can't trust people who aren't accountable for their actions and don't apologise so I could never be happy in a relationship with someone like that. I don't know how anyone could.

I've always been sensitive person and that has never caused any issues in my other relationships, the opposite actually.

You can only be accountable and apologise if you know what for.

To say "I'm sorry, but I don't know why or what for" is pointless.