My daughter is 7 months pregnant after 5 years of operations to correct damage caused by the hopital after several miscarriages. Then IVF followed.She is having to follow very restricted diets due to intolerances and allergies, and emotionally is not in a good place. She has kept quite distant from us for the last 2 years, somewhere along the line she has been told to avoid stress, and I have been included in that. Recently she had a 20 week scan while we were baby sitting for her 6 year old, and was told there was a problem with the baby's heart. She was in pieces, as were we. The next day she with husband and D went to stay , a hundred miles away, with his family, for a party. I know how she feels about some of the family, and was very worried about her mental state. On day 4 after no replies from her phone, I rang her FIL see if they were all ok. We often speak to them on the phone. His response was that she was just herself. No information . I knew that they had been told the news. My husband asked him not to tell her we had rung in case she was cross. He immediately phoned his son, who then told her. 2 days later a further scan showed that there was nothing wrong with the heart, but she has abused me with such vitriol, and her husband joined in, accusing me of something 22 years ago, which I had not done. All I can get out of her is that I must apologise for everything or that will be that. It's to do with boundaries. We travelled 80 miles every week for 3 years to look after the first child, and have given them thousands of pounds to support them through the pandemic, I thought she was my soulmate, and am devastated. When I was cornered on the zoom meeting by both of them, I was silent at first until the lies started. Then I let out something I regret.
It feels like a set up. What on earth can I do?
The joys of the English language instead of "blunt" how about curt, dull, gruff, thoughtless, forthright, brusque, pointed.
I hope the baby arrives safely and everything settles down a little. A chat about what went on 22 years ago might help.
To be fair, i wasn't being thoughtless, i was very much thinking how awful a series of events that is to live through. My mother can be pretty thoughtless at times, but at THAT time she held my hand and let me process my pain and worry the way i needed to. She treated me like an adult because i was one. This was many, many years ago now but i do remember that she didn't expect me to put my energy into her. She knew i didn't have it to give. She didn't say 'i don't care how much you have on your plate you'll show me good manners'. It astounds me that anyone would treat their child so coldly. This isn't the sort of advice that will help op imo.
I do think the op has been overbearing. I actually think its entirely possible the fil came clean because he wanted the calls to stop. Op did say this isn't the first time they've called ils. We'll likely never know.
I think that sounds about right Herefornow. It isn't usually personal when people are very stressed unless we are not being the support they need, wanting support from them for what they are going through or constantly hassling for news
Well TBF to LongtoothedGran Herefornow she never mentioned anything about her D's manners, good or bad. I and I think a couple of others commented on it wouldn't have been too much to ask for her D to simply let her mum know she was OK, rather than ignore 'phone calls for 4 days.
I don't agree that she treats her D coldly. There's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest this, quite the opposite. I don't see why the f.i.l. would have wanted the calls to stop, she was 'phoning her D on her D's 'phone, not her f.i.l's.
i was very much thinking how awful a series of events that is to live through
Yes I agree with you on that herefornow
She treated me like an adult because i was one. This was many, many years ago now but i do remember that she didn't expect me to put my energy into her. She knew i didn't have it to give
Thank goodness you had that herefornow I'm not sure that texting to ask if she is ok is "not treating someone as an adult" though.
I do think the op has been overbearing. I actually think its entirely possible the fil came clean because he wanted the calls to stop. Op did say this isn't the first time they've called ils. We'll likely never know
No we will never know and can't really make assumptions either way.
Lets hope the family can get things sorted
.
I was referring in the first paragraph of my last post to missadventure's post and your agreement with it, smileless. Sorry for the confusion.
I never had to tell my child to treat me respectfully; she was bought up to do it as a matter of course.
It's not about good manners, and we certainly had fall outs, but I don't think excusing a grown adult from thoughtless behaviour is particularly helpful.
No worries Herefornow.
It is very unwise to label daughter as abusive. Much better to let her manage her life at this stressful time as she sees fit.
FIL might have wanted OP to stop calling him to check up on her daughter.
Support in grief is described as circles or “ring theory” the people closest to the grief get support but don’t give unless they want to. Support flows in, not out. Part of that also means people taking the time to sort themselves out. OPs daughter might not have been capable of texting or talking. Very few mothers would be satisfied with an “I’m ok” text. Perhaps DD felt she was incapable of any communication?
As to why FIL told them? I’d not keep secrets from my children. Especially if I felt someone was trying to get information they didn’t want to share. They deserve to know that.
I know when I had my miscarriages I was unable to talk to my parents. I was in so much pain and barely holding it together. Even kind supportive words from them were too much. Some people do retreat to find their strong place before being capable of talking. Had they gone to my in-laws when I didn’t respond to them, I’d have been very angry and put out.
Quercus I tend to agree re labelling "abusive" but I think it is evidence of just how stressed and upset the OP is ...or it suggests there are very much bigger problems beyond this immediate one. Without more information we will never know
Understanding Someone trying to survive through a stressful situation not picking up the phone isn’t excusing a grown adult of thoughtless behaviour.
Getting upset and calling around for information on their well-being certainly is though.
Threatening to cut her mum out of her life unless she apologises "for eveeything" (which presumably wasnt an issue whilst accepting her money and babysitting) is, to my mind, not on.
So, we will have to agree fo disagree on that.
I think we would need to know what "everything" is to judge MissA
If we advised not to apologise without it and OP was cut off that would be awful for all of them
Understanding Someone trying to survive through a stressful situation not picking up the phone isn’t excusing a grown adult of thoughtless behaviour
Possibly a bit of "understanding" from all parties would help really. Making a few allowances might as well.
I know as a mum I would be worried if child was ignoring me..
But if I knew my daughter was with her partner and her partners family so not alone and not unsupported and hopefully enjoying a break from the stress, I'd have not tried to contact in the first place
But if I knew my daughter was with her partner and her partners family so not alone and not unsupported and hopefully enjoying a break from the stress, I'd have not tried to contact in the first place
I see what you are saying. For me it would depend on the relationship that I had with my AC. As an AC I do know that I would definitely, in these circumstances, have been in touch with my mum to tell her I was ok, even before she asked. But then that is because of my relationship with my mum.
The op can apologise or not, depending on how she chooses, and knowing the backstory, which we don't.
My point, which stands, is that I would and could not spend my time walking on eggshells in order not to be cut off.
Absolutely nothing to do with "good manners", everything to do with 2 adults having a respectful, adult relationship.
I've never understood the walking on eggshells thing?
Close family relationships, you can't really "walk on eggshells" without the other knowing you aren't being yourself.
Also why walk on eggshells rather than find a time to sit down together and have a conversationabout what is wrong in the relationship?
I know my mum once said "I'm always walking on egg shells around you" but that seemed a bit more her holding back from saying the mean things she wanted to say during the times she could tell she had pushed me too far and I was about to walk away.
That's the point I'm making.
Better to have a discussion, an argument if necessary, and say what needs to be said.
Did you never walk on eggshells around your mum, violet?
I would be surprised if not.
Never quite sure of things were going to be twisted, or celebrated, or ignored?
Ah, I agree MissA but obviously not the time for OPs daughter
"Walking on eggshells" can develop in many different relationships - close relationships; abusive relationships; "mixed bag" relationships. Often it can be linked to the feared consequences of trying to address things eg "not seeing grandchildren"; "being estranged" or whatever. It may be caused by a third party who becomes a part of an established relationship. It may be caused by one personality. It may be caused by several personalities. It may be caused by "troublemakers" outside of the immediate relationship. It may be caused by circumstances.
How people end up finding themselves treading on eggshells will be different in each case and unless someone has found themselves slipping into that situation it is probably very hard, looking from the outside, to understand how easily it can happen. Once someone is in that eggshell situation then only they can actually find a way out of it that will work for them in their particular situation .... and a big part of that may be overcoming the fear/accepting the possible consequences of stopping the egg shell treading!
There's nothing to suggest the f.i.l. wanted the OP to stop 'phoning him so not really helpful to make assumptions. I wouldn't have been annoyed with my mum if she'd done that in those circumstances, but I wouldn't have ignored her.
That doesn't sit well with me MissA, and I posted earlier on this thread, it does seem disingenuous to accept so much financial and practical help, while being prepared to deliver such a harsh ultimatum.
We do know from the OP that false allegations have been made and I've never understood why anyone thinks someone should apologise for something they haven't done. What does "everything" even mean?
The OP has said "I know how she feel about some of the family, so was very worried about her mental state" which suggests she wasn't convinced that this break away would be free from stress.
I second that MissA and wouldn't walk on eggshells to avoid being cut off, and I say that as an estranged parent. Even worse when the threat has already been made.
"everything to do with 2 adults having a respectful, adult relationship" exactly.
VioletSky Also why walk on eggshells rather than find a time to sit down together and have a conversationabout what is wrong in the relationship?
Only possible if all parties are willing to do that
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