My daughter is 7 months pregnant after 5 years of operations to correct damage caused by the hopital after several miscarriages. Then IVF followed.She is having to follow very restricted diets due to intolerances and allergies, and emotionally is not in a good place. She has kept quite distant from us for the last 2 years, somewhere along the line she has been told to avoid stress, and I have been included in that. Recently she had a 20 week scan while we were baby sitting for her 6 year old, and was told there was a problem with the baby's heart. She was in pieces, as were we. The next day she with husband and D went to stay , a hundred miles away, with his family, for a party. I know how she feels about some of the family, and was very worried about her mental state. On day 4 after no replies from her phone, I rang her FIL see if they were all ok. We often speak to them on the phone. His response was that she was just herself. No information . I knew that they had been told the news. My husband asked him not to tell her we had rung in case she was cross. He immediately phoned his son, who then told her. 2 days later a further scan showed that there was nothing wrong with the heart, but she has abused me with such vitriol, and her husband joined in, accusing me of something 22 years ago, which I had not done. All I can get out of her is that I must apologise for everything or that will be that. It's to do with boundaries. We travelled 80 miles every week for 3 years to look after the first child, and have given them thousands of pounds to support them through the pandemic, I thought she was my soulmate, and am devastated. When I was cornered on the zoom meeting by both of them, I was silent at first until the lies started. Then I let out something I regret.
It feels like a set up. What on earth can I do?
No, not the best timing, I agree.
Still, the only way around it, when the time is right, is to thrash it out and get to the root of the problems, which sound as I'd they are about more than the current situation.
MissAdventure
Did you never walk on eggshells around your mum, violet?
I would be surprised if not.
Never quite sure of things were going to be twisted, or celebrated, or ignored?
I've always been, sad to say, quite a naive person.
So no, not really, there was a voice that tried to warn me but she was my mum and I loved her. I always thought it would be OK. When bad things happened or good things. I wanted to share with her, she was my mum.
I'd just come home thinking the reason I didn't get the support or love I needed was my fault. So there was always an aftermath for me but it was mostly physical, I'd get severe IBS after seeing her as one example.
Towards the end I started to realise it was her not me and I started to react to her behaviour and get angry rather than hurt. There is only so much anyone can take. That was the beginning of the end.
It's hard to explain.
Grandpanow
If my son’s in laws called me to ask for information my son and daughter in law had chosen not to share with them, I would be concerned the in laws were not respecting the couple’s boundaries. I would find a request that I not share the mil had called me as an obvious indicator she knew she was in the wrong doing so. I think if you have to ask for a secret to be kept, then you have an inkling you are doing something upsetting to your daughter. I would suggest reflecting on how and why you knew it would upset her, and try to do better at respecting her boundaries in the future. I’m sure this is a tough time for all of you, and I hope you can take some time to engage in self care.
But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.
I can understand that.
Children are supposed to be naive, and expect their parents to look after them.
I had a very good friend at work, who changed completely when she got pregnant. She became short tempered and prone to abusive outbursts - not just to myself, but others in the workplace. Things came to a head when out of the blue she accused me of being jealous of her pregnancy - I was unable to have children, but had accepted it long before this arose and the notion had never even entered my head, never mind come up in any conversation. I, and several others began to give her a wide berth. After she returned from maternity leave, she apologised to me and quite a few other people who had been on the receiving end of hormonal rants during her pregnancy, saying that she suffered from raging hormones for the whole pregnancy and didn’t feel in control.
Perhaps the trauma of receiving news about the possible heart problem and the other health issues your daughter has had, together with the pregnancy hormones, go some way to explaining her behaviour. Perhaps let things settle for a while and then approach her to sort things out with regard to contacting FIL and explain it was only out of concern for her. There are clearly issues from the past, which you may be better discussing at a later date, when things aren’t so fraught.
I think the important thing for the OP is whether the daughter of the OP minded her mother calling the FIL. If she did and the OP knew this, I would suggest trying to better respect her boundaries. If the daughter cared and the OP didn’t suspect she would, I would take it as a lesson learned and avoid acting as such in the future. If the daughter didn’t care about the deception, then this advice is irrelevant. All of things are an one potential answer to the original question, what do I do. How you, I, or any other poster choose to act with respect to lies by omission doesn’t really matter for the OP.
But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.
As they were not answering messages, I’d assume any information was information they didn’t want to share.
FILs loyalty is to his son. Not his sons in-laws.
Wouldn't you contact daughters partner first anyway?
I'm not saying it was intended but this could easily be interpreted as contacting the "other adults" about "the children" and wouldn't go down well with a lot of people as it's quite infantising
Wouldn't you contact daughters partner first anyway?
It would depend on what the partner was like! Which of course links to what the relationships in the family are like
Summerlove
^But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.^
As they were not answering messages, I’d assume any information was information they didn’t want to share.
FILs loyalty is to his son. Not his sons in-laws.
Add to that the fact that FIL was asked to lie - that’s a clear indication that it was known in advance that this would not be well received by the couple. Why else ask him not to say anything? Regardless of any other issues, this surely is something to apologise for.
The f.i.l. was asked not to tell them about them about the 'phone call. He appears to have volunteered the information. Had he been asked if his d.i.l's parents had 'phoned and he'd said no, that would have been a lie.
Withholding truth is still lying
In this case, Absolutely VS.
I find it very disconcerting how many people think it’s acceptable to call a adults other family members to check up on them when they don’t pick up the phone. I find it even worse how many seem to think secretive calls and withholding information is acceptable.
I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if their children treated them that way.
Triple ditto
Smileless2012
The f.i.l. was asked not to tell them about them about the 'phone call. He appears to have volunteered the information. Had he been asked if his d.i.l's parents had 'phoned and he'd said no, that would have been a lie.
Even if that’s the case - it still doesn’t negate the fact that the request to not say anything was made. Why ask in the first place unless there is an awareness that there was something to hide? Regardless of how you look at it, by asking him not to say anything the FIL was being asked to lie, either by omission or otherwise. It’s therefore rational to conclude that the initial action here was known in advance to be unwelcome. Why else try and cover it up?
What was there hide? The OP wanted to make sure everything was OK. If it was, why would you want to hide that and if it wasn't, why would anyone want to hide that from a loving and concerned parent?
You receive a 'phone call from your d.i.l's parents asking if everything's OK because for 4 days despite trying to contact her you've had no reply.
I wouldn't have said anything. I would have either have been aware there was an issue or suspected there was and wouldn't have wanted to exacerbate it.
If it became known later, I would have simply said that I hadn't mentioned it because I didn't want to increase tension. That I didn't think there was anything wrong in being contacted and asked not to mention it, as the OP was clearly concerned about her D, and being subjected to her D's anger if she knew about the call.
I would add that had my d.i.l. simply responded to her mum, the situation would never have arisen.
If the f.i.l. was genuinely concerned about an adverse reaction from his son and d.i.l. had he not told them about the the call, for me, that says far more about them then it does about him and the OP.
I am confused as to how it can possibly help the OP to blame the FIL. Regardless of what you might have done in FIL’s shoes, expecting others to hide things for you is never going to be guaranteed to work. A practical solution for OP is not going to involve finding people who are more willing to lie or not tell others they spoke to her, as she has no control over whether her daughters friends and family are those type of people.
Well I'm confused as to how it can possibly help the OP by putting all of the blame on to her, and not just about the 'phone call but everything else, so that makes two of us Grandpanow all be it for different reasons.
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Oh I do hope OP does find the ‘Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life’ thread.
The very fact that there are so many different points of view and experiences on there will surely help to make good decisions rather than one biased viewpoint reiterated ad nauseum.
Yes I hope so too Pantglas, for the reasons you have given but not because she becomes estranged.
I hope the OP manages to sort out whatever the problem is, at the right time, and salvages the relationship with her DD, maybe after some honest discussion, as to what the 22 year old angst is about, but if worse comes to worse, I would say that the "support in estrangement" thread would be a good place for her to get support and understanding.
Hopefully, it won't come to that though.
Help and support is also available there for anyone fearing estrangement DiamonLily which I'm sure LongtoothedGran would find beneficial.
Meant to say it's good that you gave the full title for the thread Pantglas just in case the OP does want to take a look
.
No one can understand fully the pain of something like being estranged, by your AC, as well as those that are going through the same.
Support, without judgements being made, can be very helpful. ?
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