Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Hello again , I do pop on now and again and mostly am coping but Thursday ( yesterday) I struggled again . My daughters birthday was Wednesday I sent a card and usually buy a beautiful hanging basket and take it over but when I text the day before I was told it would be a normal working day . That was until I saw on the eldest grandaughters face book page a pic of the girls and mum out for a walk, my mind made all excuses that she was too busy etc but I didn't even get an invite for a cup of tea and cake in the early evening , and I know the usual routine for birthdays is a huge personally made cake and neighbours and friends all round the house . I did get a text thanking me for the card .

So yes I'm feeling the pain again and am lost and lonely, and I know it will pass , I did ring samaritans, but tbh it didn't help.

Sorry I dont contribute much or I may not write much in support but I do feel for you all when I read your posts .

My elder grandaughter is 17 in August and I am giving her money for driving lessons as I know she's saving for a car , my gift is a bit of a two way thing really as I hope when she gets her car she will come drive and visit me , its 27 mile journey of about 40 mins .

Meanwhile I will carry on and tomorrow is another day . Thankyou for letting me talk

Toetoe at the risk of repeating what I have said in other posts. Smiles made this and the threads before a safe place for us to come and talk about how we are feeling .

You are rightly hurting I would be in your place. The Samaritans can help some people but only someone going through what you can really understand. That's why this is the perfect place for you to voice how you feel. We all know the feeling of being lost and lonely. I had a major wobble last weekend. It just hit me and cried my heart out. Then I posted on here and didn't feel so alone and writing down how I was feeling helped me. Because I didn't have to pretend everything was fine or that I wasn't struggling.

It's doesn't matter if you just read what we write and I am aware I ramble on but that's me in real life.

Don't ever worry about what you write just write how you feel. And never feel you won't be understood and supported.

Don't struggle by yourself we are here for you. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and Easter are all hard. I won't look on Facebook or anywhere I know my son and daughter in law are. I only go on a closed Facebook page that deals with my neurological condition which after 34 years I know what it is. As it's closed only to people with the condition I am learning a lot.

As usual strayed from what I was staying . We are here so use us. ?

Thank you Whiff , I'm making myself go out today, I'm going to a beautiful place called Little Bredy in the country surrounded by trees a lake and nature , and hope my spirits lift because im still struggling . My friend knows but doesn't understand , how can she , her sons visit regularly and she has family , I'm grateful to her though and for her friendship . When I get these awful lost feelings I become reclusive and hide away so had I not had her phone call I'd be shutting myself in again today .

It's horrible and so wrong our kids can shut us out as though we are no one , not ring , no contact , no thoughts of kindness , its so alien to me , shocking . My silly sense of humour says "I'll pay them back by dying, then they will have a shock " but maybe it won't be . I've recently cancelled all my funeral plans and there is a written letter beside my bed telling them I want a direct cremation and no funeral , because , no one speaks to each other as daughter shut us all out , its arranged and can't be changed . How on earth did it come to all this , my daughter has said and done some unkind things , I can't forgive her and it's overwhelming me again . Thankyou Whiff , thankyou all for understanding . I wish you all a gentle healing day

Iseethruit

My perspective will be very different from those here because I have several decades of professional experience helping couples and families repair their relationships.

Though people may not have seen an estrangement coming, and believe they has no part in it, as I’ve counseled several thousand people, I never found even one person who contributed nothing to the estrangement.

In therapy, working with those affected by the rifts it usually takes people a few months to get to the place where they can understand their part, which is out of their awareness. Their part is known by their family members and often times they haven’t spoken anything about it, but rather held things inside of them for a long time. It’s what’s been largely or entirely unspoken that leads to these cut offs. After all no one can resolve a problem that remains unexpressed.

Though, my professional experience has been such to work with people in these ways, I am humble to say I have blind spots just like everyone else and know that I too in some way that I’m unaware of now contributed to the estrangements.

No relationship is ever healed without both sides listening to one another’s grievances and taking responsibility to make the requested changes needed to repair the relationship.

To believe I am blameless will only further the rift and do nothing to allow healing to occur. Somewhere along the way I’ve caused hurt that I’m not aware of - just as each of you here has done.

There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. Therefore, looking for the truth of my part is what I choose to do, so that my family can be restored.

People don’t walk away from previously loving relationships for no reason. They leave because they’ve been hurt some way.

You say it takes a few months to recognise what you've done to cause the estrangement, I have been almost 10yrs now and still have no idea, so in your wisdom, after all these years, how do you propose I 'see the light'?

QuoteSmileless2012 Wed 13-Jul-22 16:47:36
Excellent post Smiles

I can't bear to look back and re-read old post, too painful, I was in a different place back then. You may remember Smiles I actually made a file for myself and one each for my est.GC, of my posts on here, never thinking it would be going on for almost 10yrs, thought the files would be like a small thin paper back size, instead of the monster depth they became. When I moved I chucked them out, I did save my copy, but cannot look at it, cannot look back at those times, I don't want to go back there, don't want to read it. But on the other hand if my GC wanted to know what happened, it's all there.

QuoteToetoe Fri 15-Jul-22 19:01:37

So sorry to read your post above Toetoe so very hurtful of your EstD

Toetoe your estD is clearly doing this to hurt you, she's not doing it to her neighbours who are popping in on her birthday is she.

I understand Yogin. For me it helps me to see how far we, and I include you in this, have come. It makes me proud of us as I'm proud of everyone here today, who despite the pain and the odds being stacked against them, have managed to make a new life, a different life, a life after estrangement.

You never need to apologise here for not posting very often, for posting because you're feeling down or for thinking that you don't offer support Toetoe.

Your very presence here is supportive. The mere fact that you found us, and felt comfortable enough to make that first scary post, encourages us all. It shows that this thread continues to do what it's here for, to help, care, understand and support one another.

We all understand how things are for you right now and all that matters is that we know you're OK so a simple 'hi everyone, still here and still reading' once in a while is all we need to know that you're managing.

Toetoe - I really understand how you feel as I am struggling also this week.

My two eldest “children” have thrown me away as if I am a rag. I went through so much to bring them up in a household where I was a battered wife. I kept as much from them as I could. Always made sure that the bruises were covered up even on the hottest day. My life was hell but I had no where to go. Back in the north east in the 1970/80’s it was tough and the police didnt see these things other than a domestic and they didnt want to get involved. Later, I supported them through some tough times in their lives. I still do not know what I have done wrong to my daughter yet I havent seen or spoken to her in over 7 years. No word from my eldest son after a terrible phone call back in December. My youngest son, who has a different dad is wonderful. He keeps me sane, along with hubby and some wonderful friends.

This post has kept me buoyant but I do get wobbly days and I could scream. Hubby is great but he still doesn’t understand and thinks that I should have turned my back on them years ago. They have bullied me in the past. My youngest son even said that they have taken over from their bullying dad. I believe that. Some days I even feel relieved that I don’t have to tackle them but it hurts. I honestly do not think that they would bat an eyelash when I am gone. I know it will devastate my youngest son though as he worries about me so much now. What can I say? I hope you have a lovely relaxing place to go to and be kind to yourself. Not easy.

PP. Because of what I read here about estrangements, I often feel relieved that we're out of it. I'm even relieved that we've never known our GC because I can't even imagine how awful it must be to have known and loved them, only for them to be taken away.

When you want to scream, scream and I mean that literally. If you can't go somewhere where your hubby wont be able to hear you, then warn him and go for it anyway.

It really does help.

Thank you Smileless. It is a fact that what you don’t have you will never miss. I have had the grand children in my life in the past so I do miss them. My mam used to say that they are only little once and make the most of it but all of that has been spoilt by my horrible eldest two “children”. I would never have dreamt of treating my mam in the way that I have been.

Thank you for the idea of screaming - something that I have often wanted to do. I often cannot get to sleep during the night and would love to stand in the middle of a field, deep in the heart of nowhere and scream my head off.

I've done it in the middle of a field, screaming that is. I've gone upstairs to do it and downstairs too.

Sometimes when I know for no particular reason that I'm going to dissolve into tears and Mr. S. is there, just before it happens I'll say "sorry love" and let the tears flow. Same with a scream or a rant. Not much warning I know, but better than nothing.

Thank you for your posts. As it is only my adult stepson causing grief in my life, I can't pretend that I have suffered any direct emotional trauma from it - I'd cheer if I knew I'd never have to hear from him again.

But, my husband does suffer - he wants his son in his life, and because of the bouncing estrangements, and because his son doesn't live with his children's mother, we wouldn't know these two grandsons if we passed them in the street.

I'm tired of the demands and abuse, and his wife (who knows nothing of her husband's constant financial demands of us) also decided to start with abusive texts, accusing us of neglecting "our position" of people that should always support them...?

She accused me of "probably" being a bad mother, and Nan, as I didn't know how to be a step-mother or step Nan . ?

I shot back a reply, and she's gone quiet with me lol ??

I got ratty when I saw that post from the new poster - the only thing I gained from it is that if she is a counsellor, I'm glad I've always avoided them like the plague.

Daft advice from someone that can't even sort out her own relationships.?

Anyway, thanks again, and I'm sorry for your situations.?

Oh dear so many sad stories today. I am so sorry that so many are struggling so much.

Pixie, Toetoe. Well done for posting, it takes courage. And if some days you feel you can't post then please draw comfort from the fact that you are not alone, some days we just have to shut ourselves away.

There are days when I just can't post what I'm feeling. It's just too painful to put it into words but I always read the thread, every day. And I get some solace from that. Just knowing I'm not alone helps.

I kept everything a secret for so long, I didn't even confide in my sister because I felt ashamed and embarrassed ........stupid I know because deep down I know I've nothing I need to be ashamed of.

But that's what estrangement does to us. It undermines us and makes us question everything we have ever done or said, trying to work out if it is our fault, were we to blame and round and round we go, in circles. It could drive us mad if we let it.

Well I don't keep it a secret any more. I have "come out" now and it's a huge relief. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and allowed the healing to begin.

Toetoe, Pixie......keep posting when you can, , keep talking. Don't bottle it all up. Let it all out so you can start to heal.

Diamond Lily. Love the cricket bat comment.

Your poor husband, how hurt he must be. And it must be+so hard for you to have to stand by and witness his pain.

As we all know addicts will stop at nothing to feed their addictions. His son won't care for anything except his gambling habit. He won't give a fig about his father, he will just see him as an ATM machine.

A cricket bat would be too good for him, ?

You see your DH's pain DiamondLily and sometimes that's harder than dealing with your own. There have been times when I've wondered if I could ever forgive our ES for what he's done to me, but somehow thinking about forgiving him for what he's done to his dad, feels even harder.

Anyway, you gave us the 'cricket bat' idea which raised a few smiles.

That's awfully upsetting toetoe. Anyone would have been hurt. I hope your nature day did lift your spirits. It's something that gives me a lot of comfort.

You know, maybe a good scream is in order once in a while smiles. I might just go for it.

All this talk of cricket bats makes me imagine us all in whites as a formidable team. We'd deserve a bit of cheering on I reckon.

Oooh yes, I can see that too hugshelp and I honestly think we could show the men's England team a thing or two.

Hope you are feeling bit happier today all of you who are having a hard time.

Have noticed a trend across several forums threads lot of first time posters causing trouble them disappearing. Noticed from the way they phrase things seems they are American not all but some. Some of the posts have been particularly nasty. I worry that people who need help are scared to post after reading some of the things that have been written.

Have others noticed this trend?

Keep cool everyone and be careful in the sun.

Whiff

Hope you are feeling bit happier today all of you who are having a hard time.

Have noticed a trend across several forums threads lot of first time posters causing trouble them disappearing. Noticed from the way they phrase things seems they are American not all but some. Some of the posts have been particularly nasty. I worry that people who need help are scared to post after reading some of the things that have been written.

Have others noticed this trend?

Keep cool everyone and be careful in the sun.

Yes, I remarked on a thread that there had been some odd posts started this week - pencil stress, Hawaiian prayers/counselling, and now telescopes, universes and who must have known what...?

Strange.

Yes I have noticed this too. Like many I took them at face value and trued to be helpful. Then I noticed the threads deteriorate and there were some very offensive and unpleasant exchanges,

Strange goings on indeed.

As those investment guru Dragons would say "I'm Out". ?.

I did a supermarket shop yesterday do no need for me to the furnace outside. Just going to stay round the house and gently potter. Might tidy and declutter a few cupboards but nothing too strenuous.

Stay out of the sun, stay safe.

Yes it worries me too Whiff. I had a feeling that there would be a few after what happened on here but I do think some of the posts speak for themselves, perhaps saying more than's intended.

Best thing we can do if we want to respond is to be civil and try and keep the discussions balanced and sensible. Yeah I know, I've allowed myself to be wound up in the past.

As you say DSL they seem to start off OK and then deteriorate with unhelpful and IMO unnecessary generalisations about EP's. Much better to talk about one's own experiences without projecting those experiences onto others.

Back home and everything put away. Our dogs are funny, they were quite depressed when they could see we were getting ready to come home. The exact opposite when we're getting ready to go to the lodge when excitement abounds; just like their mum.

It is nice to be home again though and we'll be back again in just under two weeks for a month.

It's surprising how many counsellors think they have all the answers and think they have insight into situations they know nothing about. Tells me a lot about why their one size fits all assessments often don't serve clients well.

My best friend is a counsellor. When I told her about what my son had done she put on that voice. Told her to pack it in. I needed my friend not counselling. Haven't spoken to her about him since. Unfortunately they couldn't have children. Was rather sharp her and told her unfortunately she couldn't understand how I feel any more than I can understand what it must be like being childless after wanting a baby so much. We can only help people if we have experienced things ourselves.

We have been friends since we where 18 and still are . But I can't trust her not to put that counsellor face and voice on.

So glad I have all of you. ?