Mum and Dad relationship

DiamondLily, I disagree with you. The lad was being made anxious and nervous over a pencil because the GP was causing mental abuse. Nothing I'd want for my child. I'd estranged to the GP.

The OP seemed to be the one causing the stress, with still fretting about childhood fights with his brother. Siblings fight. All normal.

Nothing that suggests abuse by GP..

Unless the OP gets a grip of his anxiety, I shouldn't think GS life will ever be calm.

But, there could be a huge backstory, and the OP hasn't been on for weeks, so it's all hypothetical.?

All seemed a bit of a storm in a teacup over a pencil.

The Grandfather is abusive, that is clear. Estranging is for the best interest of the child. GP made GS anxious, nervous and now life will be calm for GS.

I agree eazybee there's a lot more to this IMO.

I have read all the posts.
Very dangerous to label the grandfather as an abuser.

Allsorts

I fail to see how original poster was abused based on what he said. It was a massive over reaction to something trivial that he wanted an alology for.! But wasn't going to get. If I was the father I would be worried myself about contact if your labelled an abuser when you don't want confrontation in front if a child. It's hard dealing with peope who read something into nothing and are super sensitive. Very wearing.

You don't think that someone continually undermining your wife, phoning their parents to complain about them and making your child overly anxious as abusive behaviour when you have asked them to stop? He may be super sensitive about other things but the above is surely sufficient to say, enough is enough. If people don't respect your boundaries then you have the right to remove yourself no matter what the relationship.

I'm not sure you have read the whole post Allsorts or understood the dynamic being described here.

Its not OK

I fail to see how original poster was abused based on what he said. It was a massive over reaction to something trivial that he wanted an alology for.! But wasn't going to get. If I was the father I would be worried myself about contact if your labelled an abuser when you don't want confrontation in front if a child. It's hard dealing with peope who read something into nothing and are super sensitive. Very wearing.

I think Norah has the right advice here

1cr, People who abuse children should not be allowed in the children's lives, that relationship is not in the child's best interest. Please estrange yourself and family from your parents, they won't change their abusive ways. Stay on with therapy.

[wink

No worries

Yes I know one of my posts was deleted and apologised to the OP for upsetting him.

Just reading back through this thread and noticed one of your comments has gone from page 3 Smileless for breaking guidelines.

I didn't report it or I would have said so but as gransnet doesn't let us know these days I thought you would want to know

Yes, I fully agree with this. My maternal Nan, who also thought my mother was a nightmare, was the main support and guiding light in my life.

She'd had an extremely difficult life growing up in Eastend London, especially during the war, as she'd been widowed when my grandad was killed by the last German rocket to hit the East end of London. She was left with nothing other than two young children and a 4 day old baby.

As a toddler, she'd also spent 3 years in a workhouse orphanage after her mother died, until her father remarried.

She taught me to deal with adversity, to face up to things and get on with it, which has come in handy at times.

An original East End matriarch - known as a "character" lol

But, she loved me, I loved her and we had a fantastic relationship, as I did with my Dad as well.

Unless something reminds me, my mother has sort of faded into obscurity in my mind.

My memories of childhood are generally happy ones, and I've long put any sad memories away.

Nothing's perfect in life. ?

Oh, that’s nice

That's right Sara1954; and it's those little acts of kindness that I prefer to dwell on; not the negativity; that I can do nothing to undo and would only be perpetuating the damage by not having moved on. I have often read your posts and have recognised and identified so many facets that you've revealed. If I had a sister, I'd wonder if she were you!

and oddly, good things come out of it.
I still remember incidents where neighbors were kind to me. One in particular stopped my parents finding something out which would have landed me in a heap of trouble.
A kind headmaster who took things into his own hands.
Parents of friends who helped me through various things.
I think I’m also fortunate, that from knowing my husband since we were teenagers, he knows very well what my mother was like. Things I thought were normal, he says were very much not normal.
I quite often think of the kindness of those women, much more than I think of the unkindness of my mother.

That's a lovely post Smileless2012, very positive and inclusive. I too believe that, whilst we can all learn from our pasts and recognise that our histories are what shaped us; it doesn't have to define us; it doesn't have to make us who are are, it is possible for it to be only a component of us, not the totality.

DiamondLily said it best: The best revenge is to live a happy and fulfilled life.

I agree Smileless

No judgement on the individual process or journey...

When I look at myself now compared to then, everything I have achieved... I would never have thought it possible.

I am so much stronger and more resilient and I owe a lot to gransnet and estrangement for that.

It's good to heal at our own pace and for others to see it is possible

For me, when I talk about letting go and moving on, I'm not doing so from a 'brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened' stand point.

I've learned that in order to have any quality of life, any chance of peace and happiness, that doing one's best to let go and move on is the only way.

When I first joined GN the one thread about estrangement was new and it's great to see that this once hidden subject is openly discussed, and for sometime now has been worthy of its own forum.

I think it's both helpful and positive to hear from those who are still prepared to share what it was like for them 'then' and what it's like for them now. Knowing that others have managed to some extent let go and move on can give hope and reassurance to others.

It's good to read your posts Sara and DiamondLily.

There are some similarities and differences about the ways you have successfully negotiated the difficulties you've faced, but what you've both managed to do, is enable your children to have a relationship with their GP, despite not wanting one yourself.

After so many years posting on this subject, it's not the first time I've seen how some have made this possible, and I always think how fortunate your EP's are that they still had their GC in their lives.

For many, the more we talk and share about estrangement, the more we learn not just from our own experiences, but from the experience of others. It can help us to better understand, try not to judge and support one another on what can seem like an never ending road to healing.

For me, it is important to really be sure I have healed.

Personal growth is ongoing.

I accept everything that happened to me as a child. I accept my part in estrangement and the things I could have handled differently or better. I accept what cannot be changed.

What I don't accept is the rhetoric that people should "just move on".

That is exactly how these abuse cycles continue, when people accept they were abused but cannot see how that abuse has shaped them.

It is a healing journey, not a marathon and certainty not a sprint.

Wherever anyone is on that journey, whether they are only starting to take steps or finally seeing some sort of destination, I will cheer them on.

Always.

DiamondLily
You are right. I think moving on and putting it behind you is the best way forward.
I know some things can never be forgotten, but dwelling on them can do no good.
I really admire how you have dealt with things.

So many very similar past experiences and attitudes to moving on as you DiamondLily; It's just life really - some you win, and some you lose is a mantra we could all strive to live by.