Mum and Dad relationship

I am estranged from my mother and controlling stepfather.

I put up with her treatment for years thinking there was something wrong with me until she drove me to a nervous breakdown. My older children who I tried to hide it from, realised something was wrong and started to tell me times my mother had upset them.

It was only when I realised that they were hurting my children with their behaviour that I could really face the truth.

So I understand why seeing your son become so anxious has helped you finally see just how much their behaviour impacted you growing up

Your counsellors are right.

A long thread with some good advice.
People have talked about walking away, this is difficult when you live close by, always on tenterhooks in case you bump into them.
I know it's a very big decision, but instead of walking away, have you considered moving away? Move to a different part of the country, and then you can relax and the years of angst you have will fade and your whole immediate family will benefit as Dad is happier.
Just a thought, don't dismiss it because it is a huge decision, have a think.

Why is it difficult to understand what the original poster is saying is true and hurtful?

I keep thinking about it.

I think the answer is emotional abuse is long term manipulative and cruel and people who have not been a victim of this and have mainly 'normal' relationships have absolutely no idea or concept of how all consuming it is.

I think victims in these cases are often are frustrated because they see others being manipulated/controlled too

Also, it doesn't matter if you are an adult. You're still the child of your parents

You can't abuse a person fir years without simultaneously convincing them that they are just imagining things, oversensitive, deserving of bad treatment and not good enough.

So OP, if you need a bit of anger and frustration to get you away from their abuse and to empower you to heal....

Go you.

Don't let obviously abusive people have any of your head space

Jaylou moving away is something to consider. We moved only 25 miles away and yet it's made a huge difference to the quality of our lives.

I did suggest earlier to the OP that physical contact between his son and his son's GP's could be put to one side and there be contact via other means with parental supervision. This would avoid this 7 year old boy losing all contact with his paternal GP's until he's older when he can then make the decision to continue or not.

This could still happen if the OP moved away and as you say, would almost certainly help to alleviate the stress and anxiety currently being created.

I think Icr is the right person to decide what is best for their child in this situation.

If his parents wanted a good relationship with their grandchild they should have made sure they had a good relationship with the parents.

1cr,
I sent you a private message

What VS said 18:49

I think Icr is the right person to decide what is best for their child in this situation.

Has anyone suggested otherwise?

It must be extremely confusing for any child, old enough to know who their GP's are and to have had regular contact, to have that contact broken.

The GP's in this case have had unsupervised contact with their GS, including what appears to be child care before school, so allowing contact to continue without unsupervised physical contact seems perfectly reasonable to me.

It may well be that the relationship fizzles out, or that when he's older he decides for himself that this isn't what he wants. In any event, the relationship so far has been facilitated and enabled by his parents, and the effects on this child if he were to lose that 'over night' IMO need to be considered and should not be underestimated.

Smileless
I think you underestimate how adaptable kids are - in this case, what OP has done is very positive for his child and way overdue.

Having regular contact with a person and then not seeing them again happens very often - with friends, teachers, etc
It is not a deal breaker for the kid to grow happily

For what it’s worth this is my take on the situation. If o.p.is by nature an anxious type then that is in you from birth,part of your character. Some parents work to build confidence but some get annoyed by the trait and can bully and ridicule which Is abusive really. So if o.p.is like this he will have been affected greatly but at the same time unable to deal with the matter out of timid ness and fear. A blazing row, a shouting match, all the unpleasantness ( my m.I.laws wonderful description) is to be avoided at all cost. Mores the pity I say. Shout it out, let it put, won’t ever change anyone but you’ll feel better! That’s my advice.

To be honest I would walk away, too much anger I feel it won’t be resolved, someone has to let go of all this, I can understand why you would be angry from all the hurt in your childhood I’d feel very resentful, I’ve cut family members off, and feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders, my priority would be my son, and I wouldn’t give a toss who got inheritance as I wouldn’t want money from my parents if they had treated me badly!

I wouldn’t give a toss who got inheritance as I wouldn’t want money from my parents if they had treated me badly.

So true HeavenLeigh

When your childhood has not been happy it never leaves you.. if like me you are made to feel guilty!!!!!! What of I do not know. Not particularly bright. I am very bright. Anyhow to the point. You must believe in yourself. Be pleased with your accomplishments and carry on bringing up your boy in your way and he will thrive. Possibly make limited contact with GPS.
And possibly move away as this will limit contact. Your main consideration is your boy. Always send them cards as appropriate with upbeat messages. Hope that all makes sense. Good luck.

Not a deal breaker for all children Hithere but maybe upsetting and disruptive for some.

Like you Fernbergien I think cards and other forms of non physical contact are certainly worthy of consideration.

I would feel that way too HeavenLeigh. No amount of money/inheritance can compensate for a miserable childhood.

There comes a time op when you have to say enough is enough! You have a little family focus on yourselves, you will only destroy yourself going back over and over in your mind! You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can change what happens from now on, Stored anger can cause all sorts of problems with your health, and gets you nowhere

I think it is unrealistic to expect your brother to stick up for you; he obviously decided he wanted a quiet life many years ago. I'm not sure it would achieve anything anyway. If you and your brother have made peace and you understand why he acted as he did, don't let your father ruin that as well.

I can see why you are angry with your father. You are either going to have to find a way to resolve this or move on from it. It doesn't look like he will go towards you to resolve it so you have to move on from it. Can I just say (as someone who had an abusive childhood) that it is bad enough that someone scuppers your childhood happiness, don't let them take your (or your child's) happiness. You can't do anything about your father but you can do something about you. Take the counsellors' advice to go no contact, keep up therapy until you can see the wood from the trees and look forward to a happier future.

I was unwilling to walk away from my mother but I put some boundaries in place. One of the first things was to NEVER leave my child with my mother unsupervised by me or my husband. At first I thought her partner would be able to quietly supervise but it became apparent that he couldn't do anything about her behaviour. If my mother started her abusive attitude, we calmly made an excuse and left.
You said you threw something at your Dad. Once you do that sort of thing, you lose the moral high ground. If you keep as calm as you can externally and walk away, you will have a better effect.
Start focussing on how you have been successful in making a happy home for your wife and son. Don't let your father ruin that.

As you say HeavenLeigh you cannot change the past. Letting go is the only way to move forward and that can be walking away, or deciding that a particular relationship, despite the negative aspects is better than no relationship at all.

We cannot make people the way we want them to be. They are who/what they are, and we either want them in our lives or we don't.

Good advice icanhandthemback.

Yes chewbacca I honestly think that I wouldn’t want their money, that’s right smileless sadly you have to do what you feel is right, life’s to short to go round and round in circles and getting absolutely nowhere.

Icanhandthemback
I agree with you.
Many years ago I decided my brother was infact the smart one, he knew when to slip away, and when to keep his mouth shut, something I never learned.
Now, he has a lovely family, my sister in law does a lot for my mother, they will inherit all her money, good for them, I don’t begrudge them a single penny

Best way to be Sara or you can end up spending the rest of your life being bitter and resentful and what's the point of that.

it is isn't always bitterness, some people just feel sad and that is okay

If I feel sad it’s only because it’s strained the relationship between our family and my brothers, I would love to have had a good relationship with my nieces and nephews, but I think they probably hear some very unpleasant things about me
There will always be some fall out I suppose.