Mum and Dad relationship

I was referring to a reaction of not getting an inheritance JaneJudge, not the loss of a family relationship and of course feeling sad about that is OK as I know only too well.

1cr, as somone who actually lived the life you described growing up and then watching ny parents do the same thing you say yours has done, I hear you.

Sometimes people do not understand if they have not lived it. Creating anxiety in a child is emotional abuse and it will get worse as they get older.

In my case, my kids were thrilled to no longer have contact with my mother. It was not a detriment to anyone other than the person who was causing the issues. And she no longer mattered. My job as a parent is to keep my kids safe. Physically and mentally.

I hate hearing how anyone should get over it, calm down or let it go. It needs to be worked through with professionals but it is something that you never can just "let go". It will always be there somewhere. None of your feelings are invalid.

That's the important thing as parents, keeping our children mentally and physically safe.

Not all parents are capable of this, we know that, we know abusive oarents exist.... so we should never blame or shame a parent trying to keep their child safe.

Emotional abuse is taken seriously now.

Even if we couldn't be sure a person would abuse our children, knowingly allowing them around a person who abused us could easily be seen as neglect.

There is no buts in that situation.

Well said “imaround” . You can’t just let it go.I haven’t and I know it will never fully heal. BUT I have recently found out through DNA that myfather was not my father. That means the family that brought me up and dished up the s..t were nothing to do with me. Hooray. There was one of them I really did love. Good to me. God Bless her.

I agree, you can't just let it go but you have to try, to work at it especially if not doing so impacts negatively on your life and the lives of those around you.

lcr123 I cannot see you getting any peace of mind while you still try to maintain any sort of relationship with your parents.

I think your father turning up at your son's football practice, when you have specifically asked him not to, is designed to provoke you.

V3ra

I thought the same thing.

More of a controlling "I exist" thing.

Why was the father asked to keep away from the football match?
Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

There’s a lot more going on here In the family. Lots of bad history!

Yes I agree, on the surface it all seems trivial, pencils, football matches.
But the massive over reaction to these seemingly small irritations must mean there’s a hell of a lot more going on here.
But at the risk of sounding boring, walk away from it, at least for the time being.

Arriving 5 minutes after football begins, standing away from the OP and leaving 5 minutes before football finishes sounds to me like the OP's father is avoiding confrontation, and just wants to watch his GS play.

Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

That was the impression that I got too. I think OP would reap the benefits of following the advice of his 5 counsellors, at least until he's got clarity of what the problems is, where it lies and the best way to address it in the best interests of his son.

Smileless
I agree

Sounds like he was trying to avoid confrontation.

Stalkers often do the same thing. It's a form of intimidation, especially if the person is an abusive one. It could also just be a visual statement of, "You can't stop me seeing my Grandchild."

If you are seriously that interested in the football, wouldn't you stay til the end? After all, if you are the other side of the field, you are not going to get a confrontation.

The GF is playing the victim by turning up,he's saying to people to know him "look at me ,not allowed to be with my GS by my awful son"Its not about the football ...its all about him!

It’s possible, but it could also be that he genuinely wants to watch the boy play football, but wants to avoid the possibility of running inside his son.
We don’t really know.

Op seems to have departed whilst we carry on twittering and making assumptions. Hope he found some help here but it was much more complex than it first appeared. Isn’t it always.

It looks like OP has left & after reading some of the insensitive comments on here, especially from yesterday, I really don’t blame them. I will be following them. This thread makes for very uncomfortable reading indeed - this is a person in pain. Dreadful.

Alternatively, the GF might not have a serious interest in football, he may just have wanted to see his GS, albeit from across a field. We'll never really know because there seems to be a hugely complicated family history here, with mistrust, jealousy and dysfunction on all sides. I agree with Sara1954 that walking away from it is in the best interests of everyone, in particular the OP's son.

I agree Sara we don't know but for me, the OP's father not staying to the end and arriving 5 minutes after football's begun looks like he just wants to watch his GS play with as little trouble as possible.

I would think that the GF is seriously interested in his GS and watching him play, rather than just the football.

It is possible to have a flaky relationship with a parent, yet still enable your child/ren to have a good relationship with him/her/them.

You son is obviously picking up on all the anxiety you feel around this, but how does he generally get on with them?

My mother was a nightmare, but she loved her grandchildren, they loved her, and I just bit my tongue for many years.

It might be best to separate out your relationship with your parents, and your brother and childhood, and honestly think about how your son would feel if he were suddenly estranged from them.

My children would have been heartbroken.

I would do what you honestly think is in the best interests of your child, and continue with trying to move on from the past, with your counsellors.

Best wishes.

Yes 25Avalon a lot more complicated than the OP suggested.

The behaviour the original poster has described is textbook emotional abuse and trauma response and I agree with Jodie. People who have been emotionally abused by their parents (and generally the abuse is barely just emotional) have the intelligence to differentiate between normal 'flaky' 'difficult' relationships and those that are abusive. I think it is pretty normal for adult children who are abused to cut contact when they see those behaviours repeated when they have their own children.

I'm sorry some of you are estranged from your children and that is heartbreaking. Lots of family relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, sometimes abuse isn't involved. It's quite clear here though that the original poster is trying to take back control of their own life and trying to protect their child. It really is okay that he feels angry, it's a perfectly normal reaction

JaneJudge

The behaviour the original poster has described is textbook emotional abuse and trauma response and I agree with Jodie. People who have been emotionally abused by their parents (and generally the abuse is barely just emotional) have the intelligence to differentiate between normal 'flaky' 'difficult' relationships and those that are abusive. I think it is pretty normal for adult children who are abused to cut contact when they see those behaviours repeated when they have their own children.

I'm sorry some of you are estranged from your children and that is heartbreaking. Lots of family relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, sometimes abuse isn't involved. It's quite clear here though that the original poster is trying to take back control of their own life and trying to protect their child. It really is okay that he feels angry, it's a perfectly normal reaction

I was being polite - my mother was emotionally abusive to me, without a doubt.

She was, however, completely different with her grandchildren.

It happens. One child gets scapegoated, no one else does.

It was your choice to let her carry on a relationship with them. I imagine if you had seen those behaviours she applied to you repeated with your own children your choice may have been a different one