Mum and Dad relationship

DiamondLily
Same here, I have never tried to stop my children having a relationship with my mother, and the oldest one is quite close to her.
Even my husband goes up to visit her a couple of times a year.

Absolutely 100% agree with you JaneJudge, there is clearly a history of abuse and trauma and that's why some/most of us are agreeing with OP's 5 counsellors, who have all advised him to walk away. The only part of this that raises for me is his reference to inheritance. Like others who are estranged from their families, I can't get my head around why you'd want anything from the estate of someone who's made your life an utter misery and who you despised and wanted nothing to do with. I've been in that exact position.

I don't think anyone's suggested that it isn't OK for the OP to be angry JaneJudge.

I can never get my head around that either Chewbacca. The last thing I'd want would be to inherit anything from my abuser.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing and I think it's great that you never stopped your children from seeing their GM Sara.

Chewbacca
Everyone could always do with a bit more money!
But I definitely want nothing from my mother, sometimes I worry that she might meme something, and how will I get out of that one?

You could pass it onto your children Sara.

Yes, that’s what I would probably do, but I’d much prefer she left me out of it.

Sara1954, even I have my standards! I've wondered the same thing Sara1954 and have decided that I'd simply ignore, ignore, ignore any missives from solicitors or family members. I've come this far in life without her help, I sure as hell don't need it now!

I thought of that too Smileless2012 and so discussed it with DC but received a very firm NO!

It happens. One child gets scapegoated, no one else does.

Or, triangulation goes on where both children get drawn into it but often in different ways.

The OP's reaction seems very much like my sibling's. Although we suffered the same abuse, my sibling sees me as the favoured child. It isn't like that at all, I am just more compliant (and recognise that my mother won't change) because I find it easier. She rails against everything and gets angrier trying to get an apology or acknowledgement. I don't think either of us are wrong, we just handle it differently. We were played off against each other as children and my mother continues to do so if we let her.

Looks as if a donation to a charity would be the way to go Chewbacca.

I would like to just repeat - my inheritance comment was a joke.

They don’t have much money to start with!!

I’m leaving this now, thanks to those who have messaged me.

Bye ?

I'd like to know what your son was threatened with if he lost the pencil?

JaneJudge

It was your choice to let her carry on a relationship with them. I imagine if you had seen those behaviours she applied to you repeated with your own children your choice may have been a different one

Of course. The children should always come first. Adult relationships are secondary.

I agree DiamondLily. I didn't see my parents in law for about 7 years but the thought of preventing them from seeing their GP's never entered my mind.

Mr. S. continued to see his parents every week and took the boys on a regular basis. The issues I had with my m.i.l. were mine, not theirs.

Smileless2012

I agree DiamondLily. I didn't see my parents in law for about 7 years but the thought of preventing them from seeing their GP's never entered my mind.

Mr. S. continued to see his parents every week and took the boys on a regular basis. The issues I had with my m.i.l. were mine, not theirs.

I did go NC with my ex MIL, but that was because her toxicity was directed towards my kids. It was a no brainer.

But, my mum (and dad) were nothing but loving towards my children, (and later, my grandchildren).

I'd have chosen them if I could!?

JosieGc

It looks like OP has left & after reading some of the insensitive comments on here, especially from yesterday, I really don’t blame them. I will be following them. This thread makes for very uncomfortable reading indeed - this is a person in pain. Dreadful.

Sadly

It was the same for me DiamondLily but somehow we managed to get through it and ended up with a lovely relationship, one I'd never have thought possible.

She died last year and I miss her.

When I took a break before estrangement I offered for them to see my children and they said no, not without me.

Then my older children started telling me why they didn't want to see them, so I made the decision for the younger children who... Well weren't bothered.

Now, I wish I had estranged myself and my children earlier.

Maybe it's OK to let children see them but given how abusive people manipulate children and how long it took me and my older children to figure it out...

Well...

Taking a risk with your children's mental health just because you can't be sure the person who abused you would abuse them...

Not a risk I would take now I know better

Cut them off completely - they’re not going to change and you’ll be happier and a better parent for doing it. Ask your child’s football coach if they can ask your father to leave and make it clear he’s uninvited and unwanted. Continue the therapy and don’t give them a second thought. They clearly don’t deserve it.

Nothing is clear when we only hear one side of a situation, and great care should be taken when giving advice on any delicate family matter like this one.

Delila

Nothing is clear when we only hear one side of a situation, and great care should be taken when giving advice on any delicate family matter like this one.

I agree Delila

Advice on family relationships given on a forum like this should be treated with caution. Posters' advice could well be influenced by their own experiences and we only know one side of the story.

I think OP already knew what the next steps were and was just looking for support to take them

Interesting.

We only ever know one side of the situation on GN. And I can remember countless times that advice should be given based on what we know from the OP. So that is what we have done.

Icer123. I really think this anger over something so trivial is not a healthy environment for your son. I would think your father avoiding confrontation is self explanatory. I couldn't imagine drafting and sending such an email to my own parents. I feel sorry for your son he is caught up in all this anger. You could have easily have just said over pencil comment, oh we will give it back next time,.Difussed and not excavated. No problem. You have your mind made up but I wouldn't expect an apology.