8 things we should avoid saying to an estranged child.

I'm around, your comment that as I was not an estranged child perhaps I should pass this post by, why? Half the posters replying are estranged from their children and not an estranged child. I was saying, I would say nothing, if I were asked that would be different but only if I knew that person well. I said there are some who were awful children and parents who were dreadful parent, who knows what category either fall in to. What is troubling is that so many years after estrangement from a parent it seem to be not put to rest but still troubling to the person that did estrange, which means no closure.
I don't come on a thread and be judgemental. I don't know that person, can only say how estrangement affected me, but obviously as the estranged and not the estranger I come from a different perspective. People walk away for many reason, abuse, different aspirations, just don't get on. So I answered the question. Few do it with out consequences.

Just come across this list Violetsky, very interesting, I’ve definitely had a few of those comments made to me.
I tend not to talk about it, but if I’m in a position of having to say I’m estranged from my mother, I’m always surprised to hear that they are also estranged from someone in their family, there’s a lot of it about.

But of course there will always be the smug, know all types, who think everything can be solved with a frank discussion, and me saying I’m sorry!
As if!

Allsorts
There are awful parents and dreadful children, but sometimes it’s not really either, it’s more just not liking one another, and you can’t fix that.

I used to have all of those said to me (luckily it doesn't happen anymore) but I never understood the you must have done something wrong thing, why on earth would you say that to someone

Allsorts there is a wonderful quote at the end of the article:

"It's dangerous and dismissive to assume that because we talk about our stories, we still exist inside them"

Good post Allsorts. We have our own experiences and we share our stories and our opinion, that is what they're based on.

I'm glad these things aren't said to you anymore Jane and like you, I wonder why anyone would say to someone who has been affected by estrangement 'you must have done something wrong'.

I wouldn't venture any sort of opinion, as every circumstance is different.

My "best" friend was estranged by her eldest daughter over 30 years ago.

It started when the girl started taking drugs, she went to her GP for help with this, but, unfortunately, the GP just prescribed anti-depressants and offered no help with the drug problem.

The combination of drugs and medication sent things into freefall.

She went to counsellors who seemed to encourage her to think of herself as some sort of perpetual victim. To be fair to them, though, the girl lied about everything. Every few months she was accusing some man or another of raping her, and then, a few weeks later, confessing it wasn't true.

Since then, her life has been a car crash - her three children were taken into foster care, and her life has been one of ever harder drugs, violent men, and evictions.

She has estranged her mother, siblings, previous friends, extended family, and her own children. Her father died during the early stages.

I was very close to this girl, because of my friendship with her mum, and the fact that she and my daughter were best friends for years. She used to call me "her second mum".

Because of this, I have always kept lines of communications open with her (her mother, my friend knows this and is happy about it).

Periodically, she contacts me, saying she's in rehab, and wants to reconnect with her mum.

We talk it through, I have suggested a "starting point" text or letter, and she agrees. She wants to make the first move, without actually talking to anyone, as she says she feels ashamed of all she's done.

All good - but only when she's in some sort of rehab.

Unfortunately, rehab then discharge her, she returns back to her local area, and the drugs and lifestyle have a bigger pull than her family.

My friend, happily, has kept contact with her grandchildren, and they have a great relationship. But, she would like her daughter back, although has given up on it really.

There's nothing I can say or do, if AC's wander down a "car crash life", it's just impossible to solve or advise on.

Drugs can be an unbeatable force.

My friend doesn't dwell on it, she has a great life, with friends and her family, and we rarely speak about it, but it's very sad.?

Madgran77

That is an interesting list.

I am supporting a mother who has estranged herself from her daughter because of very very serious financial abuse. She has been told on numerous occasions "But you only have one daughter" ...."You will regret this, daughters are precious!!" and similar!

I am truly not mentioning this in a "Oh but it happens to EPs too" way or to undermine the EAC experience in anyway atall ...in case it comes over like that. I just think how telling it is that some people's instincts are to prioritise the familial relationships over the actions, the same in the list above presumably. The people who have said that to her are from all generations, I'm not sure that approach is a generational thing.

Either way it's hard!

Its good to point out that this can happen the other way around.

There are abusive daughters, just the same as there are abusive mothers.
It's more unusual for parents to estrange from a child but it does happen.

DiamondLily

Estrangement hurts both parties, I would imagine. Estranger and estranged.

Perhaps we need a list of what to say, or not say, to both sides.?

My sentiments exactly.

Grammaretto

The list of 8 are similar to the list of what not to say to a bereaved person. I'm not sure that a list helps because everyone is different.
When DH died most people were very understanding and kind but there's always someone who says something a bit odd.
I think the commonest one was telling me they knew exactly how I was feeling and that
time is a great healer.

Yes, I agree that most people mean well.
I'm sure one of the reasons people avoid interacting with bereaved people and will even cross the street to avoid them (have had that happen to me) is that they're terrified they might accidentally say something that's on the 10 or 20 or 100 'things never to say to a bereaved person'
People aren't robots. They make mistakes and I would far rather somebody word something clumsily and interact with me, than ignore me completely.

Such a tragic story DL. It's wonderful that your friend has such a good relationship with her GC and is able to enjoy the life she has.

One of the advantages of an open forum IMO snowberry is that contributions to this subject are made from 'both sides'. As you say it is unusual for parents to estrange their own child, but it does happen.

I feel the same about our estrangement snowberry. There were times when the subject was always the elephant in the room.

We didn't want to raise the subject because we didn't want to come across as being so entrenched that we had nothing else to talk about, and some of those we were socialising with just didn't know what to say.

It's good to see this being discussed on an accessible open forum.

I did start a thread for things not to say to an estranged parent

I thought it best to keep the two separate so we wouldn't be minimising each other

Smileless2012

Such a tragic story DL. It's wonderful that your friend has such a good relationship with her GC and is able to enjoy the life she has.

One of the advantages of an open forum IMO snowberry is that contributions to this subject are made from 'both sides'. As you say it is unusual for parents to estrange their own child, but it does happen.

Yes, my ex husband estranged our two adult children for over 10 years, but then suddenly got back in touch again.

Still not sure why, and he won't say, but it trashed the relationship with our grandchildren. ?

I've seen this thread mentioned elsewhere on gransnet which is hugely positive that people are reading and acknowledging the things on the list are best avoided

There are awful parents and dreadful children, but sometimes it’s not really either, it’s more just not liking one another, and you can’t fix that.

This x 1000

Definitely agree

We shouldn't have to have relationships with people when we don't like each other

I see things from both sides, I estranged my mother which I don’t regret at all, and I feel completely justified in.
But one of our daughters is difficult and unreasonable at times.
I honestly don’t see estrangement on the cards, I certainly hope not anyway, but I do see how it can happen, eventually someone will say, right, we can’t go on like this, it will escalate, you’ll tell yourself you’re having a cooling off period, and somehow, it will seem simpler to let it go on.
I don’t think we’ll come to this, because my husband will never let it happen, he’s taken days off work before to drive up and sort things out, but it can be wearing, especially when you have no idea what you’ve done wrong.

I'm trying very hard to keep this thread on topic so it will help people have better relationships with each other.

It would be wonderful for the article to be read and aknowledged.

I do feel for people who have difficult or estranged relationships with their children, I really do and I'm not ignoring that but we have so many different topic threads available on estrangement.

I’m not saying we haven’t done anything wrong, we obviously have from her perspective, but she’s so super sensitive it could be anything.
She can’t help how she is, but she does say very hurtful and ridiculous things at times.

Sorry Violet
Over to you

Chewbacca

*There are awful parents and dreadful children, but sometimes it’s not really either, it’s more just not liking one another, and you can’t fix that.*

This x 1000

No, it's not fixable if you don't like someone. You'll probably never like them.

However, if it's in your children best interests to stay in touch (grandparents, for example), then it can be manageable.

Depending on the background/circumstances, it can then be a case of the adults behaving well towards each other, and the children maybe enjoying a different relationship with the person you don't like. ?

I always think if you have a massive row, or your maternal relationship is volatile, you possibly still love one another, and fences can be mended.
But if you just don’t like one another, no point in trying.

Children's opinions should be respected on any estrangement decision.

My older children chose with me having theor own negative memories and the biggest worry was them feeling guilty that they didnt love or like them.

Second youngest I had an age appropriate conversation about how we should treat other people and how my mother wasn't a nice person and was deliberately hurtful and she agreed with my choice.

Youngest doesn't remember them

Just to complicate things, my eldest daughter and my mother remain close, and I seriously think she is part of the problem because she’s stirs things, she will be cleverly dropping things into the conversation about her siblings, me and my other grandchildren.
She delights in other peoples misfortune, and I am obviously top of her hit list.
I’m certain she would be thrilled beyond belief if she could cause some serious damage.