The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Wyllow
One of my daughters is about to divorce her husband for very similar reasons.
I have warned her to expect criticism, because from the outside, he looks like a good man.
But he’s manipulative, bullying (not physical) extremely mean although he earns a very good salary.
I could go on, but my point is that I completely understand your feelings, do what you need to do, other people aren’t living your life.

Assigning blame for a parent/child relationship on a third party is a slippery slope

Not recognising the possibility in some cases is also a slippery slope. Coercive relationships do exist and isolation from family is a classic part of that, well recognised. I am not saying that that is always the case in estrangement, ofcourse it isn't, all cases are different, but not recognising the possibility is as blind as not recognising that there are cruel and abusive parents who exist, (or whatever reason given by anyone who is estranged - estranged or estranged)

You hear lots of really sad stories here from parents whose children have estranged them because of the behaviour of a partner.

My husband had a very close relationship with his parents. But at the beginning of our rather tricky relationship, he said if they weren’t happy with it, he would walk away from them.

Luckily they had the sense not to push him, but he would have done it, that’s the power of love I suppose.

It would have made him very unhappy, but he would have been in absolutely no doubt where his loyalties lay

I’m not condoning it, I think choosing a young girl, who you’ve been with for a very short time, over good and decent parents who you’ve always gotten on really well with, is probably not a very good idea, but I can see how it happens, and then it’s hard to go back.

Wyllow please reach out for some support. Here is one option.

www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/

I think it is so important for you to find out why this happened. Too many abuse survivors blame themselves when they shouldn't.

It may be a good idea for you to look into ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) too as they can impact our adult relationships.

I'm sorry people are being that way. It is probably best to take a break from those people to give you time and space to recover.

You should be proud of yourself for ending a toxic relationship

I’m not condoning it, I think choosing a young girl, who you’ve been with for a very short time, over good and decent parents who you’ve always gotten on really well with, is probably not a very good idea, but I can see how it happens, and then it’s hard to go back.

I'm not sure that scenario is the same as when a coercive relationship is entered. I hope that things worked out for all of uou Sara, it sounds like they did

Sara 1954 thank you, I'm glad you are supporting your daughter. A couple of things that really stand out: their inability to take responsibility for their own actions. if things go wrong, they always blame someone else. And their world view is the only one possible. You are either wrong or right, and because they are nearly always "right", therefore you have to be wrong, mad, insane, weird, not know your own mind.

I agree with Violet, ACES are very relevant and worth looking into

This article and I guess this thread is there to support those making a hard decision

Not those making an easy decision, a coerced decision or an emotionally violent decision

I see that Violet and it is a good article. But I think it could also provide support to those making a hard decision to lea e a coercive relationship whether that be parent , child or partner. The article makes relevant points to consider I think in those scenarios, even though coming from a slightly different angle.

No Madgran, I get that the scenario is different, all I’m really trying to say is that that if you allow yourself to be distanced and maybe eventually estranged from your family due to the manipulative behaviour of your partner, it would be very hard to go back without destroying your relationship with them.
Once again we come back to needing a peaceful life, especially if children are involved.

Wyllow
I think it will be tough, I think he will make her life hell, I genuinely think, that he thinks that he loves her, but his actions say otherwise.

He’s a decent man in a lot of ways, he’s a good father, a good son, very close to his siblings, but as a husband he’s dreadful, I couldn’t have lived with him all of these years.

We have said for years that he needs psychiatric help, because his behaviour is just not normal, and since covid he’s been working from home, and he’s just got worse.

I’m sure she’s doing the right thing, but like you, I think it will be a tough journey.

You said a very important word in your post Wyllow subtle. In adult relationships where one is abusive it is subtle, if it was obvious you wouldn't become involved with them to begin with.

It's a gradual process that happens over time and it's only when someone is free from that relationship that they as you have done, begin to unpick the behaviour and see that it is indeed controlling, manipulative and coercive.

The last two sentences of your post @ 07.57 describes our ES's wife exactly and the for us, the distressing situation that our ES and no doubt our GC are embroiled in.

"From the outside he looks like a good man" which is why your D and I'm sure your family were taken in by him Sara. If their true nature was visible from the outset, those that become involved with them in all probability, would have never have done so.

Their view of the world and themselves is so skewed that they are unable to see that they could possibly be at fault, it's everyone else who is to blame. Their way or no way.

You Willow and your D Sarah have taken a brave and very difficult decision and I wish you and all those involved a positive outcome.

I agree Madgran that not recognising the significance in some child/parent estrangements of a third party is a slippery slope.

Doing so effectively ignores one section of those who have been estranged, cutting them out of the conversation all together and as you've posted, the possibility of providing support as the article can do, for someone facing a choice of the partner or their parent(s).

It cannot be easy to estrange the parents you once had a loving relationship with at the insistence of a partner, any easier than any other reason to estrange.

Between a rock and a hard place especially where there are children involved which is why parents can find themselves being sacrificed.

I think it becomes difficult when there are multiple posts made blaming this parties when it is so blatantly obvious to so many that that is not what has happened.

Apologies Sara for putting an 'h' at the end of your name.

I don't understand your post Bibbity. Not all estrangements happen for the same reason and it can only be obvious to the individual what is applicable to their particular situation.

Then again, some men choose a young girl they have known for a short time compared to parents, and end up being with that person for much longer than their parents. My husband has now had me in his life longer than he's been with his parents by a long way.

Of course, the issues are still all my fault, not that:
- the MIL expected the DIL conform to her wishes and way of living, not respecting that she had her own dreams for her own family and had a right to them, just as MIL got to do things for her own children her way.
- her son, for whatever reason, had no motivation to keep a relationship going with his own parents.
- the only reason they had any relationship with their son at all for the first decade of his marriage was because the DIL made it all happen (until the DIL decided she was done and DH could make it happen himself).
- it's easier to blame an outsider than look at their son or themselves.

Sometimes that young girl they've hardly known is a longer term investment than the parents.

Smileless2012

^Other people do not live the subtle nuances of our lives and relationships so cannot judge^ but some do don't they Mandrake and that just makes an already hard situation even harder.

They do but I have been able to get to a place where I don't give a rats what anyone else thinks. I don't associate with people who judge something they know nothing about (even if they think they do).

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

I do think it's important to differentiate 'judgemental' from 'having an opinion' though. There is a difference. I generally prefer to associate with people who are open minded.

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

I think it becomes difficult when there are multiple posts made blaming this parties when it is so blatantly obvious to so many that that is not what has happened.

Blatantly obvious to whom? Only the people involved can know what happened. Others can suggest different perspectives on what they are told, hopefully in a constructive way, but one person's "blatantly obvious" is another person's " "not understanding/believing what actually happened".

Hence all the comments that estranged people say the hear from others!!

The original article that Violet posted can be excellent food for thought and consideration for so many people in their specific situations, regardless of what may seem blatantly obvious to anyone.

JaneJudge

Mandrake, would you honestly voice your opinion to someone regarding their estrangement? I have had people I hardly know tell me it was my fault or I must have done something wrong. Or cant you try harder, they are lovely really. It's just their way, cant you just let it go. It is completely our of order

No, I wouldn't. The approach I would take is that, as a friend or acquaintance, I can offer them my support without judging who is right or wrong. I will be well aware that there are two sides of every story but that isn't even my concern. My concern would be to acknowledge the hurt of the friend and support them in their own experience and truth.

JaneJudge, when I said 'opinion' vs 'judgement', I was thinking more of discussions here. Often the OP invites feedback, so saying that I disagree their adult children are being unreasonable and why, seems right for the context. In real life, I'd only offer that kind of thought (gently) if asked for it.

Sorry Mandrake, I am most probably being a bit defensive

Not a problem, JaneJudge. It can be harder to read and convey intent in this format. I suppose my response might be situational but the above is my usual approach to things.

I don’t care what people say about me. People who know me, know that I’m not in the habit of cutting people out of my life.

My husband perfectly understands, and although a lot of her venom was aimed at him years ago, he still visits her.

My children I’ve never involved, but they still visit her.

My best friend knew her from our teens and never liked her.

If all her golf club cronies think I’m a nasty piece of work, I really couldn’t care less.