The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Violet we had a similar experience with my in-laws. My older children met them as they came along before the estrangement, my younger ones had the right choice made for them. They didn’t need to be exposed to manipulative , emotionally abusive people who played favorites, used guilt trips to garner attention, and played the martyr victim like they were getting awards for it. It wasn’t until years later my older children spoke so how happy they were when we cut contact and they no longer had to deal with it all , or watch their parents be treated so poorly. We all make the best choices we can in the moment , while I wish we had spared the older kids knowing them as well, when we knew better, we did better. Perhaps we should have known sooner that being a blood relative didn’t entitle them to a relationship with our children, but we felt very pressured by a society that screams “kids need grandparents “ and “but they’re family “. The truth is as much as I love my own grands now - those thoughts are incomplete - “kids need GOOD grandparents “. And family isn’t a pass at treating others poorly. I’m so glad for younger generations these attitudes are changing.

Grams2five

So agree with you

I’m sure children don’t actually need grandparents, but I feel that’s a decision for them
I may be talking differently if my children had all been younger, but I would have to have severed a bond already made.

No doubt my mother is different with her grandchildren, and actually, not so bad with my brother, so it’s really a me and her thing.

Sara you don't need to defend your situation

If mine had a good relationship with their grandmother possibly things would have been different and I let my older children choose. My younger children were too young to make that choice and when the older 3 said "no thanks" it made it easier on me.

There is also the fact that, while I was taking a break to get mental health help, before I estranged, I offered for her to see them and she said no, not without me.

We make the nest choices we can with the information we have

At the end of the day, children reach an age when they can make their own decisions.

In that case all we can do is show them what a healthy relationship looks like.

Things are changing now, we have so much information available to us about what abuse actually looks like.

That wasn't there when I started my parenting journey. It just wasn't.

For me personally I have now shown my children that we don't put up with certain behaviours just because someone is family or say they love us.

That's a positive so there is no point living in regret or worry about it

The majority of my friends have lovely Dads, I have always envied them. At the age of 65 I am very sorry never to have been loved by my Dad. Unfortunately his parents didn't show him any love, he had a terrible childhood.

I haven't seen my Dad since 2011 when he was at my uncle's funeral, we have exchanged the odd letter but that has now stopped. He is now 90 and in poor health, I dread the day my aunt will phone with the news of his death.

Every case is different.

I tried to keep my problems with ny mom between us, she didn't. In the end, one of my kids became suicidal because of her.

I am always happy when I see that some people were able to keep relationship problems between them and their parents. It does not happen in every case.

Imaround
I think I was only able to keep things simple, because the children were older, my husband used to take the ten year old to visit, twenty years on he still goes with her, because she finds it awkward.

imaround

It never becomes any less shocking when you share that and my heart goes out to you all

Razzmatazz ? Sorry you didn't get a good dad, mine was lovely, not perfect that would be boring, always there for us and totally dependable, unfortunately I married a man who didn't make a good dad so I know how bad it makes children feel. I loved enough for both of us but many tines I thought it wasn't enough. You just do the best you can though. I found the absent parent can often be put on a pedestal as they know so little of them, the one left has to be everything.

Allsorts
One of my grandchildren has a father who has shown no interest in her at all, recently hasn’t seen her from one year to the next, no Christmas or birthday presents, not even a card. It used to be, oh I can’t wait to see my lovely daddy etc, which was very annoying, but we never said anything against him.

Now it seems his latest relationship has broken up, and he’s been texting her, she just doesn’t want to know, doesn’t reply and doesn’t want to see him.

Sad in a way, but she has a fantastic step dad, and she really has no intention of seeing him again.