The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Thank you, Smileless and VioletSky. Wyllow3, I hope the counselling helps and you are eventually able to completely walk away.

Bibbity

As I said. Some people like to blame third parties but it is clear that it is not the third party that caused the estrangement

You are so right.

This article is for those realising the truth of their own parent and understanding how hard estranging can be.

I so agree about how finding good relationships as an adult can really help highlight abuse for adult children and help them finally walk away.

Not only by realising their childhood was abusive but by finally having that loving support and the strength it can give

No one should ever feel any guilt for walking away from an abusive relationship and it is a huge red flag for me when people try to assert otherwise these days.

As the article says, you can unfollow people in real life and I would say for real healing, enablers have to be pushed away.

And those who reveal themselves to be abusers too by changing the narrative, doubling down, getting nasty, hurting without apology... Well they just don't deserve space in your life or in your head. The signs are very clear when you can see the truth

I agree that the signs are very clear when you can see the truth it's a sad fact of life that it can take so long to be able to see it and we can at least be thankful when we eventually can.

As to others entering the equation, I think if you have always been treated badly from babyhood upwards, you are more accepting of the behaviour because you don't really know much different. As you reach a more mature age and meet someone who has experienced a much different childhood, you start to see how things can and should be done. This moves you towards estrangements when you try to put down boundaries and the parent won't accept them. Then when you decide that there is no solution and make the decision to estrange, the third party gets the blame

Yes that can be the case icanhandthemback but not in every case. Different scenarios can bring about similar outcomes. Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods. Coercion is subtle and very clever.

Before I estranged, I hadn't had a lot of contact from my brother and only really heard from him when he wanted something or wanted to show off about something.

I made excuses for years really. I now realise he is just incredibly self absorbed.

He came at me hard after the estrangement.

With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks.

He said "I just need you to sort it out with mum because I am sick of her going on at me about it"

It was all about himself for him.

He doesn't even like them that much, given the abusive behaviours he described over the years as they impacted him, it becomes obvious their behaviour is only a problem if it affects him.

If we couple that with the fact that he behaves in similar ways to get his own needs me and so excuses their behaviour and his own against me....

He feels at liberty to perpetuate that behaviour himself.

I think he sees himself as so special and important that only his own feelings and needs matter.

Thus he is one that perpetuates the cycle

The problem I find is who is the one making the statement that the childhood was good. Or the relationship was good.

Because only 1 person in that scenario can actually make that statement as a fact.

With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks

I really hope that is true Violet, in terms of someone in my own life

I can see that, from what you describe, your brother is perpetuating the cycle. How sad.

I laughed at that a bit bibbity

My mother has said many times " You had a lovely childhood, we went on holiday every year"

That is almost true, for 1 week a year, they were always happy and fun to be around. The camera was always out. The photo albums would be updated.

I lived for that 1 week a year

And she unknowingly admits that every time she says it

Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods

I should have added to that ..."as they can and sometimes do attest if and when they get out of the coercive relationship and estrange from that relationship - be it partner, parent or AC".

Madgran77

*With all self absorbed people, the truth eventually leaks*

I really hope that is true Violet, in terms of someone in my own life

I can see that, from what you describe, your brother is perpetuating the cycle. How sad.

It is... I hate the way he treats his wife and cheats on his wife but he is very clever at what he does and she won't find out for a long time I don't think and definitely wouldn't hear it from me.

Being the family scapegoat, they tell you quite a lot of the truth because they know they have already put in the work to ensure on one will ever believe you.

My brother grew up to be "one of them".

The saddest thing is that actually, he achieved something I couldn't... being loved, wanted and accepted for who he is by his parents.

But he has no idea what price he paid

oh yes the photos and occasions
all edited to make us look like a happy family

This has affected me very recently as I got given someone else's photographs after their death and the parent who estranged me is on NONE of the ones with me and I mean NONE. It has really made me think about the narrative of oh look how happy we were vs the fact I was frightened and insecure and didn't feel loved and wasn't loved and there is nothing wrong with me. Other people love me. Oh well

Yes that can and does happen Madgran. We've seen here on GN EAC contacting the parent(s) they'd estranged.

We have the same hope too but the longer the relationship lasts the less likely it seems and then of course there's the time that's been lost and the pain that's been caused to try to come to terms with.

Other people love me. Oh well

VioletSky

I laughed at that a bit bibbity

My mother has said many times " You had a lovely childhood, we went on holiday every year"

That is almost true, for 1 week a year, they were always happy and fun to be around. The camera was always out. The photo albums would be updated.

I lived for that 1 week a year

And she unknowingly admits that every time she says it

There is an actual long standing thread on Mumsnet called Statley homes.

And it came about from the quote that I believe a parent said to a poster

"But we took you to Statley homes"

Does what it says on the tin

JaneJudge

oh yes the photos and occasions
all edited to make us look like a happy family

This has affected me very recently as I got given someone else's photographs after their death and the parent who estranged me is on NONE of the ones with me and I mean NONE. It has really made me think about the narrative of oh look how happy we were vs the fact I was frightened and insecure and didn't feel loved and wasn't loved and there is nothing wrong with me. Other people love me. Oh well

I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better.

Violet
I’m sure if our parents thought we actually did have lovely childhoods, or if they are just trying to convince themselves?
My mother would say I was lucky, never went hungry, always clean and nicely turned out, decent presents at Christmas.
But what about all the things we didn’t have, affection, approval, kindness, I can’t remember ever laughing with my mother, I actually can’t remember her ever laughing.
I don’t think I was what she wanted, she loves my oldest daughter and never tired of telling anyone who will listen, that her life would have been so different if L—— had been her daughter.
My dad was a fabulous dad when I was little, but I think he just got sick of living in such a toxic atmosphere.

Sara1954

Violet
I’m sure if our parents thought we actually did have lovely childhoods, or if they are just trying to convince themselves?
My mother would say I was lucky, never went hungry, always clean and nicely turned out, decent presents at Christmas.
But what about all the things we didn’t have, affection, approval, kindness, I can’t remember ever laughing with my mother, I actually can’t remember her ever laughing.
I don’t think I was what she wanted, she loves my oldest daughter and never tired of telling anyone who will listen, that her life would have been so different if L—— had been her daughter.
My dad was a fabulous dad when I was little, but I think he just got sick of living in such a toxic atmosphere.

My MILs entire personality is built of three things what an amazing mother she is. She will go into detail of how extraordinary she is.

What a victim she is. Always everyone fault..

And the grieving mother when her son died

Out of 3 living sons she has been estranged on and off with everyone.

Sara that's one of those questions that always baffles me...

Do they know they are abusive?

I think I have the answer but then I read another comment and... I just don't know again.

Maybe all those tactics they use on us, they also use on themselves?

Always an excuse, always a justification, always a "but" and never an apology

I've never ever found it hard to be accountable for myself and apologise

VioletSky

Sara that's one of those questions that always baffles me...

Do they know they are abusive?

I think I have the answer but then I read another comment and... I just don't know again.

Maybe all those tactics they use on us, they also use on themselves?

Always an excuse, always a justification, always a "but" and never an apology

I've never ever found it hard to be accountable for myself and apologise

I find the inability to apologise when proven wrong a massive red flag.

It just shows that they lack the most basic understanding of those around them and how to maintain a healthy relationship.

there seems a theme of lack of affection, approval and kindness there was an infliction of every day cruelty as well, generally verbal but I know I used to do it myself to other people when I was younger as I'd been conditioned to do it. Thank goodness I channelled the best version of myself, even though I am imperfect

yep inability to apologise too
it's unbelievable isn't it how predictive it is

Madgran77

*Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods*

I should have added to that ..."as they can and sometimes do attest if and when they get out of the coercive relationship and estrange from that relationship - be it partner, parent or AC".

ACEs research has some very interesting thoughts on this...

Also remember ACEs once did not exist and some standard practices in parenting are now understood as unacceptable.

Some ACEs do not involve parents directly. Like sexual abuse.

Some ACEs are beyond parents control like depression and anxiety or bereavement and divorce.

Many things can be mitigated and children can grow up resilient by the simple fact of recognising children are intelligent, experience real stress and emotion and need support.

More and more people are estranging abusive parents and have information and support readily available which will help them become resilient adults thus breaking cycles.

If my child were ever in an abusive relationship and manipulated away from me, I'd be asking myself some hard questions about whether or not their childhood was free of ACEs and I would never ever stop loving them.

Abuse is like a disease. I blame the disease not the victim

I so agree on not apologising.

Without apology there is no accountability

Without accountability there is no personal growth

Just a stagnant person, invested in their own lies and self importance

Madgran77, you are right, people with happy childhoods can embark on a coercive relationship without realising it.
In my experience though I have found that the people who come from vulnerable backgrounds though are likely to keep missing the red flags so they end up repeating their mistakes until they start to examine the legacy from that childhood.

I think sometimes we just have to accept we don't need an apology for the other person to be wrong. They are still wrong.

Covert narcissists are really interesting in how they avoid apologies.

The often seen go to is the lie

"I didn't say that"

"I didn't mean that"

"Other people wouldn't be upset about that"

Once they have initially lied over any challenge to what they actually said or did, they double down and continue to repeat the lie, perhaps imbellishing and justifying more.

They are convincing themselves, changing the narrative.

We don't have to fall for it.

That lack of apology has to be seen for what it is, a symptom of toxic behaviour.