The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Yes, ACES are very relevant. And the fact that they are not necessarily in the direct control of the parents is I think, one of the reasons why no assumptions can be made about estrangement or the reasons for it.

I'm not sure parents stop loving their children if they estrange, in the same way as some ACs say that they still love their parent even though they have estranged from them. I think when estranging or having been estranged, self-protection plays a big part in responses from then on, understandably. But that doesn't preclude love.

Apology is only worth it if it is sincerely meant. Otherwise, there is still no accountability and no personal growth despite the words being spoken.

If it is sincerely meant, then each has to make their own decisions about what accountability means for them. Others can't really make that decision for them.

The only issue I have..... there is a huge difference between fault and responsibility

When we get that right maybe we can break all the cycles

there is a huge difference between fault and responsibility

Yes. Which is why I think each has to make their own decision about what accountability/responsibility means for them. Others can't make it for them as they are the person who has to take that responsibility/accept accountability

It's easier as adults

I'm responsible for myself

But children need someone to be responsible and accountable for them

And that's what we sign up to when we become parents

Yes indeed VS. And children become adults who can take responsibility and be accountable for themselves, as you are proving.

Thank you for saying that Madgran

Just re-read the article in the O/P again. These jump out at me: Forgiveness is worth having, but you can only do it and stepped back through no or limited contact. (or even sometimes the death of the abusive one).

Anger, hurt, emptiness, long struggles and grieving, and only be healed by being compassionate to myself and a DISTANT compassion for ex (or parent if that's who is under discussion). Where if appropriate, you take steps where it concerns their well being but not because you have been tricked or pressured into it. I do agree with the point that society probably judges you harshest if your parent is older. We live in quite a hypocritical society in some ways that "virtue signals" what One Is Supposed To Do. I'm struggling with the financials of a divorce, I think I will be OK, as going for a clean break where I've lost out but shall be free....but ...

...I d wonder for those of you who have to go no contact with a parent what happens when money, an inheritance (that one may need for family) is involved?

Wyllow
On the subject of inheritance, my mother told my husband years ago that if I didn’t go and visit, I’d be disinherited. This was a red rag to a bull, the fact that she thinks I’m the type of person who would pretend to forgive everything for money makes me dislike her even more.

My brother can have the lot, he’s earned it.

I can understand that you would have felt insulted Sara. Inheritance is a gift isn't it, not a right or to be used as a form of blackmail. Why would anyone want to know or even suspect that someone was visiting them purely for financial gain?

Smileless
No I agree, it doesn’t make any sense.
But I think it proves that she doesn’t know me at all.
As you say, why on earth would you want someone to visit you, just so that they could get their hands on your money.

Sara, maybe they care aboout appearances and having others think they havee great relationships with their children?

VioletSky

Thank you for saying that Madgran

You're welcome

I have learnt that part of that process is recognising that different people "take their accountability" in different ways and with different actions ...and was reminded of that by your post Wyllow.

Mandrake
I think you are probably right.
I can’t think of any other reason to be honest.

I did not think about inheritance when I estranged. Last thing on my mind.

I don't expect to get any and if I do I will use it to benefit my children.

Tbh if I had good parents (mother and stepfather) I'd be telling them to spend it and enjoy life. I wouldn't care

JaneJudge

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

This is true imo.

I find the worst examples are those who pass judgement on relationships which they themselves are not apart of. To presume to know the inner working of families and couples who do not share the details of their lives with you is also arrogant beyond tolerance. All the more reason to fortify yourself in your family and relationships that are closest to you. People from the outside are just that—outsiders. I am a huge proponent of leaning into the love and relationships that bring you joy. The fulfillment of these relationships eclipses whatever negative effects the judgmental people wish to pass on. They are sad.

Very wise, Limcha. Although sometimes it would be nice to have a thicker skin.. ;0)

Limcha

JaneJudge

I think this thread illustrates how judgemental some people are but I think it is always best to remind yourself that people who are judgemental and projective are generally -in my experience - not very nice people anyway.

This is true imo.

I find the worst examples are those who pass judgement on relationships which they themselves are not apart of. To presume to know the inner working of families and couples who do not share the details of their lives with you is also arrogant beyond tolerance. All the more reason to fortify yourself in your family and relationships that are closest to you. People from the outside are just that—outsiders. I am a huge proponent of leaning into the love and relationships that bring you joy. The fulfillment of these relationships eclipses whatever negative effects the judgmental people wish to pass on. They are sad.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Thank you

I haven't had huge amounts of judgement in general.

It has only really come from 2 sources:

Family members
People who are estranged from a child.

For my family members, I think that my maternal family has been a bit of a toxic appearance obsessed nightmare for a long time except for 1 brother, a cousin and my lovely nan who passed away.

With people who are estranged from a child (I'm of that age group now where lots of people have adult children amd i meet those who have lost that relationship), some (nowhere near all thankfully) have said some pretty awful things.

I haven't really thought too much about why they do this. Perhaps they are judging a strangers child in the hope that somewhere somehow a stranger is judging their child. Perhaps they are taking out their anger on me having lost their own emotional punchbag. Maybe they just like throwing their opinions about without really thinking about or caring who they may hurt in the process.

It's an interesting one that is for sure and I've reached a point where I can just observe this behaviour now and wonder at how they can't understand that this is the sort of behaviour that may have caused their own fate.

But that works both ways, I think. We're estranged from my adult stepson, and some ACs would assume we must be at fault somewhere in all this.

We don't justify it or explain it, and I don't bother to observe anyone, because we don't need to, but we know it's stepson's behaviour that is the entire cause of the problems, aided and abetted by his wife.?

It's all about one subject - money. Stepson wants it when he demands it, we don't obey the demands.

Every estrangement is different, and ACs, regardless of what others might think, aren't always the victims in the situation.

DH is the real victim in our situation. On a personal level, I couldn't care less about my SS or his wife, but he causes my DH pain, which, by default, upsets me.

So, we are both victims of his tantrums.?

I'm sorry to hear that diamondlily

VioletSky, I'm not saying this applies to what you've said at all, or others who have posted but IME there is another source of bitterness, and it's a strange one - envy.

One may think, "who could be envious of me, why?" but sometimes it's as simple as the happiness one has managed to find, despite all.

That's, idk, that's beautiful really Wyllow isn't it?

What I do not understand is why if someone estranges anyone, they would be taking about it years after? If they were comfortable with their decision there would be no need. I wasn't happy about being the one estranged, so for me it was good to have the help and comfort of a forum where others knew how I felt and I was going through. For reconcilliation both parties need to reach out, if only one side is interested and you have done your upmost to try to engage but rebuffed at every opportunity, there is no alternative but to pass that burden on, you owe it to yourself to be happy , you cannot let anyone with a closed mind, even your own child determine your happiness. It takes a long time to reach that stage from my own experience, but my conscience is clear, very important to me, not everyone I know. It's very much a throw away society now for a lot. If you have made that decision, through abuse,to cut a parent off, surely you have to be at peace with it or it was a futile act as they are still controlling the way you think.

I think envy was a large part of my relationship with my mother.

She sabotaged my exams by creating a big drama to do with my dad. When I started to do well in college she threw me out. She hated that I had a relationship with my dad. On the one hand she told me a lot of awful things about him and on the other she would talk wistfully about how she wished their marriage had worked out, even 40 years later. Lots of other things but, essay is not needed lol

She blamed me for not finishing her own education, not achieving buying her own house and ultimately for my dad leaving. All her problems were my fault.

Getting out of that relationship, I finally went back into education and achieved my dream job.

The only envy I really remember growing up was the good mother daughter relationships I came in contact with. That's probably still the only envy I carry now... but the thought of sabotaging that is vile to me.

It does work both ways as you say DL. In our experience it's usually because it wasn't until our ES married that things began to change, rapidly escalating when his first child was born. Doubt is sometimes cast on our account when there's an unwillingness or inability to accept that a third party can destroy a once close and loving relationship.

When someone shares their personal experience that is not too, or intended to say that it is always the fault of the EAC's partner but as you've posted "AC aren't always the victims in the situation" so it's important to accept what we're told, even if it's outside of our own personal experience.

Envy can be very destructive Wyllow and can be the catalyst in estrangement situations. Envying a particularly close relationship can be the reason to tear it apart .