Estranged from adult son

Ohh thanks, that looks interesting. Will watch it when I get a quiet moment.

Good for you healing.

Couldn't resist doing the test, got 5. Not sure if that's good or bad. It might be medium? VS

Mine was also 5.

There are other factors though that those tests don't really measure.

One factor is how long an ACE lasted, another is whether you suffered bullying at school or whether you struggled socially or if anything negative like sexual abuse happened outside of the family home.

A mitigating factor could be having a positive adult role model and developing resilience or having a good supportive circle of friends as a child.

Another thing is toxic stress which is worth looking in to.

Realistically the links between ACES and outcomes people struggle with as adults is extremely high. Research has proven that ACES makes people more prone to health issues (anything from heart problems and diabetes to fibro), addiction issues, mental health issues and more.

Sorry all off the top of my head so I'm probably leaving out way too much.

So healing ACES is fundamental to healing the outcome of those ACES.

Which is where someone has to ask for that help and sometimes that is a strength people do not have. Especially men. For example, to admit to someone that something happened like sexual abuse is incredibly difficult for many people and they are never able to access support.

Oh yes, I can see that there must be gaps because of all the other places a child will go- but it's a good basic framework to look at home life.

Sorry you had a 5 VS I don't know if it helps to know you are more susceptible to certain conditions though? I am extremely careful to eat a low GI diet to avoid diabetes as much as I possibly can. Pretty much don't eat sugar most of the time except for the odd blip- loads of veg and high protien.
Probably not addicted to anything (except eating) but crisps may feature on tonights agenda! Haven't had those since Christmas.

I am not an educator in these things I am afraid, I'm a student of them.

Control is also a form of addiction, just as much as is alcohol, smoking, or drugs. Control can manifest in lots of ways like overexercising, under eating, fastidious cleaning of home or body, trying to manage others around you or assigning thoughts, beliefs or motives to others that aren't there.

For me it was smoking and over eating. I gave up both.

I also have fibro, reflux and IBS, as a result of toxic stress. All 3 have improved since estrangement. We used to joke my mother was poisoning me because I would be ill after seeing her.

So healing ACES and toxic stress have positively impacted me.

I also moved away from a lot of... behaviours that were learned from my childhood... toxic people can still bring those behaviours out in me but otherwise healed which has benefited my relationships and especially my children.

I've done parenting courses and educated myself on ACES, not just to prevent them gaining ACES, but to protect them from mine..

I've always said that on this forum, I've taken responsibility, which is not the same as shame or blame

I don't have a kid with substance abuse issues and I'm sure that would be more complicated and more painful. But I have had three close family members with it.

One of them I maintained a friendly but distant, fake, uneasy relationship with until he died. One of them I stopped talking to because I got so tired of the unending, unnecessary chaos. The third one got help and I happily resumed my connection.

I don't think it's really possible to have a reasonably decent close relationship with anyone who is an alcoholic or addict. By definition, their behavior is erratic and crazy-making, if not predatory in one way or another.

Fixing it starts with them period, as far as I'm concerned and that's just the reality of it. Tbh I actually feel a bit relieved for you that he just leaves you alone, at least.

Sorry. Not sure my post is helpful but that's how I see it. Best wishes.

That's awesome VS, you have come a long way!

I haven't ever smoked and I don't drink much or do drugs (quite boring) I'm not an overtidier or over exerciser (sadly) things at face value- but over eating is my drug of choice. I've been working on things, but in a different way for over 20 years so I guess.
Even though I didn't know about ACES when mine were little I did my best to protect them from things I knew about.

So sorry about your family members Blueberrypie Thanks for your answer because yes I have been subjected to abuse, crazymaking and yes it has even seemed predatory at times, definitely threatening and very disturbing. Over the last two years it has wrecked my health and my sleep at times.

I feel relieved for me that he leaves me alone as well, even though I miss what he was previously and I miss the family life we had at times when he was healthy and not on drugs. When I stopped replying it was because he had gotten threatening and was trying to put fear into me, showing off that he "knew" I was scared of him etc.

You need to consider that your behavior has led to his addiction. It is a parent's duty to protect their children from such things. Washing your hands of the situation will not bring you peace. Ask God for the answers.

You could get support and understanding for yourself by going to a group called Al Anon (or Narc Anon if there is one). Although Al Anon was set up for friends and relatives of alcoholics apparently 30% of people now attend because of substence missuse. You will have other people with similar problems to yourself and be able to discuss yours in a confidential setting. I hope it helps you move forward, if you go and gives you some support at this difficult time. Just google a local group

Hello
It's been nearly ten years since my son hasn't spoke to me , time goes in a blink , my other two children try to make me happy and I do try to mask my pain but I'm broken hearted and I feel this is never going to get any better

Mandymoo456

Hello
It's been nearly ten years since my son hasn't spoke to me , time goes in a blink , my other two children try to make me happy and I do try to mask my pain but I'm broken hearted and I feel this is never going to get any better

Mandymoo this is an old thread. You might be best to start a new one of your own as posters sometimes only read the original post and may not see yours today.

I am sorry that you are in the situation you are with your son. There is a Support for those affected by Estrangement thread that I think you might find helpful. Look in Forums -Estrangement.

Hello Mandymoo. Take a look at the thread Madgran's suggested which offers support and friendship for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement.

We've been estranged for more than 10 years so I understand how painful this is, as do all those who regularly post there. It's on this forum .

My son estranged me over 15 years ago.Ran off in a hissy fit never to be seen again in my eyes. Fine. I know at first it hits you like a brick but it gets easier over time. I was just a shipping crate for the fabulous life he has now which Im not part of. The dad was always favoured over me being the big bad wolf.

I am an alcoholic in recovery of 26 years. My son stopped speaking to me 7 years into recovery. Resentment for whatever reason is No 1 offender. Im not saying it will ever be put right but he has to fix himself. The road to recovery is lifelong it never ends. We can all sit and stew in anger but eventually Im sure hell come around when he realises its not working for him anymore. Ive let my son go with love because its all I can do. He cant take that love away from me. Take care of you and get on with your life.

Well done Fethiye for being 26 years into recovery. Such a hard thing to accomplish and made so much harder I'm sure when your son estranged you.

Brokendad, Stop beating yourself up, you did your best. He cant keep blaming you. Live your life for you before it’s too late.

VIOLET SKY I copied your link for someone I know ,she says theres no questionaire on it,is it seperate from the video?