Gransnet forums


Trying to cope and do the right thing.

(30 Posts)
Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 15:54:40

This is so hard and im so scared i'm not doing the right thing to protect my DGD, we had another incident of abuse over the weekend where my D wished me dead ;-(. My D has torn my GD her away from every member of Family she has and has made her say she hates us all and doesn't want to see us. She's 9 and we have been her safe place for years and looked after her fr the 1st 4 years of her life. My previous post gave a bit of an insight I just feel so alone and waiting for professional help is so time consuming and painfully slow.

Just reaching out really as I've nobody or feels it, I miss them both desperately.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 09-May-23 16:04:18

It would be best if you added your post to the last thread so everyone understands.

VioletSky Tue 09-May-23 16:14:58

It really concerns me that your daughter has been in several abusive relationships and you feel she is struggling to cope, that your answer is to try and take her child away from her.

If she knows you are calling the authorities on her and planning to get custody of her child then, after everything you have said she has been through you have fully taken away any love and support from her and instead of focusing on getting her help, you just want to take your grandchild away.

If the child protective authority where you are go in and do not find cause for concern you may lose your daughter and grandchild. At the very least you will lose your daughter.

Are you sure this is the right approach here? I'm just not getting much in the way of love and concern from you towards your daughter in your threads and I imagine she is hurting knowing this

DiamondLily Tue 09-May-23 16:20:03

If you think she's in any sort of danger, phone the duty social worker, where she lives.

Other than that, phone and ask hey key-worker to phone you.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 09-May-23 16:20:51

I would find it pretty difficult to show love and concern towards a daughter who said she wished me dead and forced my grandchild to say goodbye to me. The daughter is not acting in the best interest of her child, Nana is trying to give the child the stable and loving home she clearly lacks at present.

Hithere Tue 09-May-23 16:21:08

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 16:30:39

I'm not planning of gaining custody at all but to re-establish access as its been taken away from the entire family not just us. Its wrong that a child should be torn away from family in that way.

The abusive relationships she's been she's been the main abuser.

My 1st post was the very recent set of events, Ive loved and supported her for the last 10 years on top of her school years. Been understanding, booked appointments, took her to them cleaned houses and picked up the pieces from where she's abused landlords/friends and other family, up until now ive tried my very best to do what I can to protect them both.

My DGD is getting older and my main concern is she will be the next to get the same treatment, she's being manipulated into believing we are in the wrong. The last set of abuse was not being able to borrow a car which she legally couldn't dive. Maybe I am alone and wrong thank you.

VioletSky Tue 09-May-23 16:30:51

The thing is that most child protective services will look to give that support to mum and keep them together if at all possible.

Mum clearly needs help and support

As a parent that would be my first concern, not angry messages... I'd be very careful about alienating the daughter for good, especially as she has clearly had an awful time of things

It won't be gran who makes the decisions on the grandchild's living arrangements

Once this road is taken, it's extremely difficult to go back

Hithere Tue 09-May-23 16:36:34

It is honestly hard to give feedback and help you OP

We can read the reaction to messages and actions we have no specifics to - not that it is owed to us

Those messages and specific actions provide much needed context

Visgir1 Tue 09-May-23 16:44:07

Poor you... I have to do yearly updates for my NHS post included is Child protection which is the biggest part of the package, it's also the longest and most difficult section.

We have to identify possible neglect /abuse in all forms plus other issues. Any chance this is happing we have to report it, even if unfounded.
This concern as others have said needs reporting to Social services.

Your daughter might just need some form of support, her taking family away who are emotional support to this child could be classed as neglect?
And making this Child say hurtful words to people is not right.
Please re report your concerns to Social services.
Best of luck and best wishes.

silverlining48 Tue 09-May-23 16:51:35

I am sorry you are having a difficult time with your daughter and hope your gd isn’t witness to these arguments. She is only 9.

If there are serious concerns about her safety it should be the local authorities who deal with it and if then it’s felt a family member can provide a secure home then that person will be invited to be part of the process.
I am not sure where you are but Grandparents in the uk have no automatic rights over grandchildren, the parents do.

My advice would be to try to make peace with your daughter if you can.
This toxic situation is not helpful for any of you.

DiamondLily Tue 09-May-23 17:07:04

Just protect the child. Forget the mother or father. If you think she's at risk, then phone the duty services at whatever council, it is. Or the NSPCC.

If it's about contact, then phone the social work team (during daylight hours), and talk to them.

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 17:10:55

Thank you, I've made peace so many time's each time the abuse we get is getting worse, We don't get involved in arguments, she starts yelling in front of our DGD and the calls ended to protect her and NEVER go back with any, we are not able to control what she's like not being there and what she's saying to her. Ive told her time and time again we love you no matter what.

We've been trying to get her help for years but she simply doesn't engage with services. its a vicious circle I'm desperate to help them both its not about separating them at all I worked for the 1st four years of her life so she could be with her Mum why would I now choose to simply take her away.

Hithere Tue 09-May-23 17:18:21


How can we help you?

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 17:35:59

Its just helpful having different views if I'm honest, its a decision only I can make and carry through what I should do. My DH is by my side and supports me but struggles with looking at things from different sides and aiding in taking things through.

Its so hard another view could be we've done too much and enabled her, we bought a house a few years ago because she'd alienated two landlords and said she couldn't wait for a council place and be in B&B. The money request's we were too scared to say no too as it would have triggered her. the car thing wasn't even a no it was its not fair.

I love her so much and thats never faltered I fear so much for her future.

VioletSky Tue 09-May-23 17:46:36

Nana your last thread says you are speaking to a solicitor for access and to make sure you have parental responsibility

I would take a step back for now and let the organisations you have involved do their job.

You can save any evidence of wrong doing by your daughter for when it is needed

But I wouldn't judge her too harshly for angry messages. She clearly needs help and support.

I hope she gets it but you must understand, you may not get parental responsibility or even access. And once daughter knows you have gone through a solicitor as well as reporting her to SS, this relationship may not be as savable

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 09-May-23 17:49:30

You have done a great deal for your daughter, out of love. But there comes a time when you can’t continue to do so without becoming poor yourselves. Your daughter is of an age to work to buy what she needs. That time has passed for you. I’m afraid you can’t do more for her, she has to do it for herself. You can do your best for your grandchild though and I know you will.

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 17:55:04

Hi, The PR isnt to gain it and take our DGD away, its to see if we still have it from when social services awarded it to us. We have conflicting information from different sources. If we have retained PR in will be quicker to gain access and ensure our DGD is safe and then work toward's seeing how we help our DD. we cant do anything when any contact results in abuse.

Its very hard not to take the things she says to heart and worry the only person left to receive the insults is our DGD

VioletSky Tue 09-May-23 18:00:55

So you are unclear who has parental responsibility?

How did that happen?

Apart from preventing access to you, do you have any other concerns about your grandchilds welfare?

I would stop contacting her if the response is angry and let the professionals do their jobs. If daughter has asked you not to contact her, that won't go in your favour

You need to be very careful. You previously posted your daughters full name. Doing things like that will go against you too

Iam64 Tue 09-May-23 18:16:07

Were you given PR because you were primary carer, or did you get a special guardianship order? Parental responsibility of relative carers is shared with birth parents. Your posts are long and reflect your understandable worry and sadness but I haven’t been able to understand the PR issue

VioletSky asks if you have concerns about welfare other than contact. It’s clear from your posts you are concerned about unstable possibly abusive emotional care. A mother having a 9 year old end family relationships by phone isn’t behaving in a way that meets the child’s emotional or developmental needs.

Nana5051 says her daughter is a regular user of cannabis and cocaine. Unstable personalities aren’t helped by this.

Hopefully, social workers will be able to assess the risks and provide appropriate advice and support. They’ll be unwilling to get involved in family rows abiut relatiinships but if the side of this sad situation we are reading is accurate, they will be involved because of safeguarding

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 18:16:17

The law changed which stated that PR never ended where as when we 1st got issued with PR its eneded after 6mths full time with the parent. SS were back involved in 2017 due to our D new partner and came back to tell us we still had PR, in my view until a judge tells us we have then its unknown.

We've made no contact with her at all although its hard, she's contacted us continuing the abuse. I desperately want to send something to our GD so she knows we love her and are here but am holding back because of the abuse and backlash she will get from it.

I never even thought about her name being on the post if im honest until it was pointed out. This is the only forum i'm on and don't do social media.

Our GD is at risk of emotional harm and has been subject to emotional harm for a number of years she just doesn't quite meet the threashold for action, physically there have only been two incidents in 5 years which are recorded but no action as they seem isolated.

Nana5150 Tue 09-May-23 18:20:19

yes we were given PR because we had a special guardianship order

The care plan was always for our D to take back the care. It was felt when she started school that the weekdays were a good point for her to do the lions share as school would see her every day.

Iam64 Tue 09-May-23 18:21:01

The threshold for involvement seems to get higher as services deplete

VioletSky Tue 09-May-23 18:33:33

Have social services visited yet?

If you go for access the courts will probably ask for mediation first. This will be an opportunity for you to resolve disputes about family members etc

I would fully prepare, mediation would be a good chance to put this relationship back on track and avoid conflict through court

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 09-May-23 18:40:59

Nana, Iam is very experienced in these matters. Rely on what she says - she knows what she’s talking about.