Letter to my mother

That was good advice eddiecat. Sometimes especially following a bereavement, we can feel guilty if we laugh but we shouldn't. Life is for living and it isn't always easy, but we need to find happiness in what we do have because we owe it to ourselves and those that love us to do so.

People take different paths to happiness

As long as those paths aren't unhealthy or harmful to others, it doesn't matter which way you go

When I was a kid I was so busy surviving I didn't get to love. Now I'm processing all of the things I couldn't. That's moving forward. I've been told not to dwell on the past before, coincidentally by the very same people who inflicted the pain I'm supposed to forget.

Maybe it does come down to personality.

I meant "live" but "love" also applies.

Oh my gosh - this is all so intense. I’m wondering now whether I was/am a good mother - all I can say is, I did/do my best.

Another great quote from Susan Forward (different book)

People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion—not at the beginning—of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them.

In the last few months I have taken in so much new and useful information about trauma, what it does to children, and how to undo the damage. Many people cannot or will not ever understand my perspective. If you are triggered by talk of bad mothering, do not read because I am not being delicate here. It's an ugly and intense topic.

My blood boils when I hear certain phrases that I've heard my whole life because I recognize them as gaslighting tactics. I can't unsee it now.

They all follow a similar unwritten game plan to maintain their image and continue to exert control over their children.

Here's a list of some of the dismissive and harmful things that have been said to me either by my mom, other family members, or any random person that thinks they have a say. These are in the context of trying to address an issue in the relationship:

"I don't remember that conversation"
"That's not what I said"
"You know I had good intentions"
"Only you can control how you feel about that"
"Dont dwell on the past"
"I prefer to move forward"
"I just want what's best for you"
"But she's your mother"
"She sacrificed so much for you"
"She tried her best"
"But she loves you"

I would also like to note that a mother isn't a loving mother just because she thinks so. I've never known a bad mother who would ever admit it. It's frustrating that mothers can and do call their children spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, hateful, etc but then call themselves loving. A loving mother would be very concerned if their child felt hurt enough to cut them off. And I don't mean concerned in a "something must be wrong with them" kind of way. So many people blame children estranging on the child's "mental health" but don't stop to consider how it got that way in any meaningful way.

My mom didn't love me enough to reflect on herself or attempt to see her own behavior as anything less than perfect. Or when she was fake apologizing she "did her best". Someone best isn't always good enough. Unfortunately when you're caring for a developing child, your best can still cause lifelong harm. Maybe we shouldn't always be content with our best and instead strive for better.

Helenwaspushed Is there a forum/website where you share your insights and information with other estranged adult daughters and sons?

So true Helen

I've never met a good mother who wasn't constantly questioning themselves and trying to grow

Debs8

I don't. This is the first place I've ever talked about it online. I'm a little fearful of what being more open personally would mean. I have members of my family that might harm me if certain details were shared. I think it's an irrational fear (these people are cowards) but it's what I'm dealing with.

Crazy Horse, don't question yourself, you did your best, if that's not good enough, you can't beat yourself up. No one can do better than their best, it's ridiculous.

A loving mother would be would be very concerned if their child felt hurt enough to cut them off very concerned doesn't begin to describe how loving parents feel when their child estranges them.

Devastated, distraught and heartbroken barely describe what estrangement does to a loving parent.

No one can do better than their best, it's ridiculous well yes sometimes it is Allsorts. We see posts here in GN from EAC who accept that their parent(s) did their best, who as adults have learned about their parents history which doesn't excuse how they parented, but explains why they were/are the parents they become.

Estrangement was the best and only course of action but that doesn't mean in some cases that they didn't do the best they could, which some EAC do acknowledge.

We've been in the receiving end of dismissive comments too, not from family or friends thankfully, but from random person that thinks they have a say which can be a downside to a forum like GN.

You must have said/done something
There's no smoke without fire
Children don't estrange loving parents
Only abused children estrange
But he's your son
What about unconditional love.

Unconditional love and being an estranged parent aren't mutually exclusive. We love our ES in spite of what he's put us through and that's what unconditional love is, just as EAC can continue to love the parent(s) they've estranged in spite of what they put them through.

I'm sorry you're upset.

My thread isn't about your feelings though. So I will leave my response at that.

I finished "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward, which I quoted earlier.

If an EAC only reads one book, this should be it. It lays out all kinds of strategies for how to set boundaries and protect yourself. The last few chapters are especially good and useful. It has very practical info about how to speak to an unloving parents. There are also strategies for maintaining contact if that's what a person wants.

I'm considering my options for what to start next but I haven't decided yet.

Helenwaspushed

I'm sorry you're upset.

My thread isn't about your feelings though. So I will leave my response at that.

It really isn't fair to make lengthy posts which are likely to stir up upsetting emotions in readers and then just blandly say your thread isn't about other people's feelings

Fair or not, it's how I feel. I gave many warnings about what content is here.

I really don't understand why you continue to post on a public forum if this is your attitude

That's okay. I don't need you to understand. Have a wonderful day though!

EACs, you are not responsible for the feelings of your parents. They are adults who can and should make their own effort to comfort themselves.

Guilt is such a powerful emotion and will control you. My own personal thoughts were poisoned for decades, agonizing over how my every move made HER feel. Guilt is a weapon in the hands of an abusive person. Everything they say is another grab at control.

The damage to me hasn't been totally undone yet, but letting go of guilt is clearing the way.

Everything you say or do will be "wrong" to an abusive person and that's okay. It will take time to be able to brush it off, but that day will come of you learn to advocate for yourself despite how others feel about that.

The problem with abusive people is that they think everything is about them and even when you explain it isn't, they think it should be about them. You aren't allowed to be sad or stressed or anxious around them as they will take it personally whether it is about them or not. Often in revenge for you having your own life and feelings meaning you can't constantly pander to their need for attention... they will punish you for that by telling you it's your own fault.

Abusive people never let you recover either. You aren't allowed any space or time away from them. When they aren't getting the attention they need from you and you start shutting down and backing away... they you might get an angry "sorry" immediately followed by a short burst of love bombing and then by anger that you haven't gotten over it yet.

This is why we eventually go no contact, because we cannot ever heal and recover in that relationship.

The problem with abusive people is that they think everything is about them and even when you explain it isn't, they think it should be about them.

That's my experience as well. It is very tiring to justify my feelings over and over to keep the peace.

My mom's narrative was that I was too sensitive, and that's what I believed about myself for a long time. But really, her entire personality is trying to compensate for her own sensitivities. So I'm working on not catering to others so much when expressing my own feelings.

Whose upset? If that was in response to my post I'm not upset bu if I think someone maybe because of what I've posted I'm not dismissive of their feelings.

I think everyone whose had experience of abusive people have learned that everything's about them, even when it isn't. I totally agree about how tiring it is to constantly feel the need to justify ones feelings time and time again and/or to try and ignore the abuse for the sake of keeping the peace.

Walking on eggshells and biting one's tongue leave you in a constant state of anxiety in case despite your best efforts, you stand accused.

There is peace to be found in estranging and being estranged, it just takes time in some cases to realise that you really are better off without them.

Helen

Abusive people absolutely hate No Contact, as much as they will still get supply by playing victim and telling everyone how awful you are and as much as they look for other outlets for their own "sensitivities" as you put it... They will never get over the fact that you ultimately won and they can't hurt you anymore... I am glad you have taken your power back

My adult son was telling me to the other day, that he has noticed so many positive changes in me since I estranged, that I was always a good mum but that I have really grown as a person and a parent

That absolutely meant the world to me

Wow, that's a huge compliment VioletSky. I'm so happy for you!

I have heard similar from my loved ones and I feel it about myself too. Especially over the last few months.

It's very heartwarming to feel that love from someone and return it.

Smileless2012, I'm glad you're not upset.