Letter to my mother

Abusive people hate No Contact absolutely, they may think they want someone out of their life but when they've gone they have to find another victim and finding one may not be as easy as they think.

It is a worry though when you think someone you love may be the next target, if they're not already of course.

Helen .

One of the harder parts of estrangement for me now is finding the things that feel 'ruined' and trying to heal them again.

I have favorite TV shows from when I was younger that are feel poisoned from watching them with my mother. There's one show that I loved to watch in the fall but I'm not sure I will be able to feel good about it again. I've been thinking about it the last few days and think may give it a try again because it has been a while now.

My birthday is in the fall, and I can never get up the energy to do anything about it. My husband goes overboard every year of course, but I have a lot of sadness around it. I never felt special or celebrated growing up and it still feels wrong to celebrate myself or want to be celebrated.

I feel guilty when I get rid of things she has given me. I did a lot of that early during estrangement, but I still find things occasionally. When I first moved from her house I tried to give her the bible she gave be when I was a child back. She cried because I didn't want to keep it. It had her handwriting after all, and wouldn't I want that handwriting after she died?

I was still in deep then, so I gave up and packed it. First thing after I cut her off it was in the dumpster. She should have taken it back when I offered.

I wish I could just reset my brain sometimes, or write over the terrible memories with new ones. I'm over the person she is now, but not over how she failed me in the past. It does get less painful as time passes and considering it took decades to get here, I'm being patient with myself.

I have been NC with my mother for some months now. The damage of not being seen and heard is severe even when one understands why their parent behaved that way. I see it now as a blessing as it means I can NOT repeat this damage to my own children. I hope you felt better after writing your letter. Best wishes

Guilt!! I struggle with that a lot. From an Indian background my "job" is to be taking care of my elderly parents which I am not doing. Oh the shame in that! I keep having to change those thoughts when they arise within.

Thank you Loveandpositivity1. I appreciate your comments.

I don't have the added cultural pressure you describe, but I already dread when my mother eventually gets sick. I know what my decision would be if I was asked for help, but I also know it will kick up new guilt when I have to say no. I think a lot of members of my family who haven't contacted me about this will have something to say then.

My phone's block feature will be getting a massive workout when that happens.

I hope I have the strength to say no when the time comes, I recently told someone I didn't have a mother and left it at that

VS having read a lot of your comments about your mother, I hope so too. You’ve always approached the situation with empathy and grace, but the boundaries you’ve set yourself are clearly benefitting you!

Helen this was beautiful to read, strange as it may sound. You’re doing the work, as they say in therapy, and the fact you feel confident sharing your thoughts and experiences here suggests you’re genuinely starting to heal. Ignore anyone who would prefer you brush it aside or gaslight yourself - you know your feelings and you get to take care of yourself the way you need.

VS, when the time comes I will definitely be relying on my husband to make sure she doesn't come back into my life. He has a similar situation so we are that person for each other. Just gotta remember that getting sick doesn't make an abusive person suddenly realize they were wrong or want to change. Usually if someone reaches out when they fall ill it's because they want help.

Amber thank you so much. I do feel like the healing is genuine. It is hard to tell when I've been raised to think that "moving on" is the only way forward. Talking about the past is throwing family under the bus from family's perspective. So it's good to allow myself this space to say what I want to say.

I read a quote today, it said:

Some people hate you for the way other people love you

And doesn't that just sum up an abusive parent? They hate those who have qualities they cannot aspire too. They hate your innocence, your youth, your energy, your passions, your empathy and your ability to be loved exactly as you are.

They just haven't realised they had a choice to go about life the hard way, trying to be compassionate, stamping down the negative emotions, driving away jealousy and anger and impatience. They took the easy option and trapped themselves in an endless spiral of covering up their own shame denouncing responsibility and accountability

Yet we know life is happier the hard way

What is it you want, is it validation, is it sympathy, understanding for a situation others see one side of, if you have cut someone off, how has it achieved anything if it’s your sole
preoccupation and results in such negativity.. What is happening to your partners and families whilst this is fore most in every thought? It can’t be something you just put in a box and pull out for messaging, it’s there in your head

constantly,. How has cutting off helped? It is unresolved. If it were, you would not think about it. I think it needs confronting and it seems sad that after a poor childhood you are still punishing yourselves, letting it affect your well being. It sounds as if the people you estranged have others that see them, I don’t know whether you see them or not. You let go for a reason, a last resort, so there’s no fixing, they won’t change, the past won’t either. I know a lot of people have counselling for years, all that does is open wounds, I heard some actress saying she couldn't go on without her therapy would need it all her life, I guess a lot do that, but why?
Life is too short to try to change the past. Embrace the now, who and what you have.
I am saying this as an older woman, I look back and see how fast my life has gone, my parents and family gone now and my husband. I was fortunate with the people in my life, I never expected perfection because I’m far from it myself and how boring would that have been anyway, but I miss them. It’s all gone with the blink of an eye looking back. Don’t waste what you do have.
.

All sorts, my family is doing very well, we get closer every day, thanks for your concern

Have a wonderful day

Some people hate you for the way other people love you that's a very powerful and insightful statement and as well as being applicable to abusive parents, also applies to the third party whose presence in a family results in estrangement.

Our ES's wife hated his close relationship with us and in particularly me. She admitted to me that she was jealous but claimed to have 'got over it'; sadly she never did.

Allsorts, a lot of assumptions made here. I will not answer your questions as they aren't well intentioned at all.

To everyone, I have been trying (and will keep trying) to hold this thread for abused children who did the estranging. The constant counterpoints and EP perspectives is so unhelpful. We all know it.

I will also add that our healing (EACs) is important and valid. We are not your ACs so please stop responding as of we are. If you continue to argue with recovering abuse victims it does seem a little unkind.

Your own perspective doesn't always need to be heard. It isn't about you.

You may not find the contributions from EP's helpful helenwaspushed but others might. If they don't they can choose to ignore them or challenge them, but as this is an open forum where EAC, EP's, those with no experience of estrangement and those who worry it may happen read and post, it is inevitable that the only ones reading and choosing to contribute will not only be those who took the decision to estrange.

There are many similarities as my previous post illustrated. Being aware of these does not undermine or invalidate the personal experiences shared here by EAC.

Of course EAC's healing is important, as is the ability of EP's to heal. We are not the parents you chose to estrange, simply EP's sharing our opinions and where we think it's relevant, our experiences too.

I did make this post for and about my own experiences. Of course you can share your opinion wherever you want. I'm just saying it's disrespectful. It also shows your hand I think. It is an unkind decision you're making, but it's your own. I'm going to disengage from you.

I hope we can move the thread forward as I intended when I started it. I can't control anyone but I am asking for the basic respect to let abuse victims have space.

EAC's, there is always going to be someone who has a problem with your choices. It takes immense strength and courage to cut off a toxic parent and I'm proud of all of you who have made that decision.

Please understand that you have been fed lies about yourself your whole life by the person who was responsible for your growth and happiness. It's a huge betrayal because we are forced to make the decision but we really had no choice at all.

You broke the cycle despite the many forces trying to keep you down!

I do wonder why you chose Gransnet for your posts. You must be aware that is mainly an older audience who are more likely to be affected by being estranged by their children, than still be coming to terms with abusive parents. Perhaps I am wrong but I have the impression you are closer in age to the Mumsnet audience - if so you are more likely to find people that are sympathetic to your situation there

Unless the content of a post is disrespectful, I see nothing disrespectful in anyone other than an EAC posting here.

EAC aren't the only victims of abuse or have always been abused. I'm not an EAC but am an abuse survivor.

I have no idea what you mean by my contributions showing my hand and there has certainly been nothing unkind in any of the posts I've made here.

As for moving the thread forward, the only issue I see that may prevent this from happening is a desire to make a thread on an open forum exclusive.

You do not have to engage with me, and I see you've decided not too which may help the thread to move on.

If you want to end an argument with a toxic parent or someone else being confrontational, I would recommend non-defensive phrases. I'm starting to practice these myself although I'm not speaking to my parents anymore. They do come in handy.

Directly from "Mother's Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward.

^NON-DEFENSIVE PHRASES:

Really?
I see.
I understand.
That’s interesting.
That’s your choice.
I’m sure you see it that way.
You’re entitled to your opinion.
I’m sorry you’re upset.
Let’s talk about this when you’re calmer.
Yelling and threatening aren’t going to solve anything.
This subject is off-limits.
I don’t choose to have this conversation.
Guilt peddling and playing the pity card are not going to work anymore.
I know you’re upset.
This is non-negotiable.
I don’t accept your definition of me.
No, I’m not going to do what you ask just because you insist.
I need to go now.

SETTING BOUNDARIES (POSITION STATEMENTS):

I am no longer willing to…
I am willing to…
It is no longer acceptable for you to…
I need you to…

REMEMBER TO:

Set your limits
Tell her very clearly what the new rules are
Spell out what you’ll do if she disrespects or violates them

SCRIPTS:

Q. Why are you doing this now? It never seemed to bother you before.

A. It bothered me a lot, Mom. I just never had the guts to say anything about it before. I’m no longer willing to accept…

Q. What’s gotten into you?

A. Courage and clarity, Mom. I’m not willing to overlook, excuse, pardon, or accept unacceptable behavior.

Q. Who put you up to this?

A. It’s all me, Mom. I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought, and I’m no longer willing to accept the status quo/accept things the way they are.

Q. What have I done to deserve this? Why are you punishing me?

A. Just calm down. There are some new ground rules in place and you need to hear them and take them seriously.

Q. After all I’ve done for you…

A. Mom, we’re talking about the present now. We’re two adults and our relationship isn’t healthy. I care a lot about you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to continue this [unhealthy dynamic]. It’s not okay for me, and it doesn’t feel good. I’m sorry you’re upset.

Q. Don’t you love me anymore?

A. Mom, don’t be silly. Of course I love you. But I need you to respect my wishes.

RESPONDING TO A MOTHER WHO GOES BALLISTIC:

If you continue to insult me, I’ll end this conversation.
Stop right there. That subject is off limits.
Unless you calm down, I’m going to hang up.
From here on out, the subject of [ex. the wedding] is off-limits. It’s not okay for you to [ex. tell me who I can marry]. If the subject comes up, I’ll end the conversation. If you insult me, I’ll end the conversation or leave.
I won’t tolerate criticism of [ex. my fiancé] and I won’t talk to you anymore about [ex. the wedding].
Stop right there. Screaming and berating me isn’t going to work anymore.
Your choice is to have a civil conversation with me or no conversation at all. These are the only options, Mother. I need you to stop assaulting me. And I need you to understand that [ex. who I fall in love with and marry] is my business, not yours.^

eddiecat78. Thank you for your opinion.

There are closed groups for EAC and EP's eddiecat so if someone doesn't want to here from 'the other side' for want of a better way of putting it, those groups are available.

Personally although I found a group for EP's helpful to begin with I found I was getting bogged down so left.

I would like to encourage EACs to use real facts and information as representation for the 'other side' rather than the opinions of those who don't know or respect your situation. Consider the source when you read something. Your abusers get a massive benefit from twisting reality to gain sympathy for themselves. I can't think of a reason to listen to the "other side" that isn't about them and their feelings.

Also, don't be chased into EAC only spaces of you can help it. There are many people who could benefit from reading your experiences on this easily accessible forum, who are considering estrangement and want the perspective of people who have made that choice.

You are obviously spending a lot of time composing your posts. Presumably you are finding this beneficial, but don't kid yourself that there are "many people" HERE that are benefitting from them. Gransnet is not your best audience if you sincerely wish to benefit others